What do I do?
I (30M) am embarrassed to be posting this, but I been dealing with this for a long time thinking that I had moved past all of this but there have been some new events that are bringing up lots of old problems and "unresolving" them. My parents had me early, at 15-16, and then split up because while my mom wanted to be a mom, my father never let me or my mother forget that he never wanted to be a father, though he would deny ever saying that to us now. My mother eventually developed a serious drug addiction, and because of it she lost custody of me. I went to live with my father while she was doing her time. I have no memories of this time, but I have been told by family that my father was pretty abusive and I was withdrawn because of it. My mom eventually was released and overcame her addiction and was granted visitations with me. I learned a few years ago that during these visits with me, my father threatened to take away visitation rights with me unless my mom had sex with him. This was how my sister was conceived. I didn't learn this all about my father until I was in my mid 20's, and I was furious that with my poor memory and my family never telling my the truth about my father in my childhood that I had thought my father was someone I should look up to. In the last 5 or so years, I have been unlearning all of that and thought I had properly excised him from my personality, my life, my thoughts and my fears. I did this by focusing on my mom. She was a single mother of 3, she worked so that we always had more than enough. We had a comfortable life for how tight every month had to have been for us. She worked her ass off to go through drug court, overcome addiction (meth), maintained a job and eventually she went to school and completed a degree in cosmetology. Then, her and her new husband went on to create a very successful company and they have built a really good life together. I have always believed that my mother had the strength to bear the weight of the world. This was what inspired me, and helped me believe that I could get past everything with my father. That was until a few years ago when I found out that my mom relapsed. My sister found out, and tried to tell me but I didn't believe it and defended my mom. It created a huge divide in the family for about a year until my my mother finally came clean, went back to a rehabilitation center and she did the work again. Part of the process was asking for my forgiveness, and I forgave her. I understand that she is a human being and she makes mistakes, but it shook my confidence a little. I had my own health scares lately including my first seizure, but I came out of it firmly believing that I had the same strength in me that my mother does. But I just found out recently that she is celebrating another 30 days clean in a few days. That means she relapsed again. So now I have been wondering for the last week if this strength I was seeing in my mom was all a lie, and I just convinced myself of a fantasy thing that doesn't exist. How do I prevent myself from ending up like my father? How do I believe in myself after this? I feel ridiculous for being a 30 year old man still dealing with this, but I've failed so much and I can't help but wonder if I'm doomed to always be a failure.
-Sorry for the typos, I'm not in a good place.