Breaking news:
Just hours ago, the Tesla ceo was confirmed dead by Swedish authorities at the scene of a car crash 25km south of the capital of Stockholm. Along with Musk, who was pronounced dead at the scene, there was another passenger who was alert when medics arrived and has been rushed to hospital.
Police is present at the scene but has not commented beyond this.
Yesterday, a Floridan man just became the first fatality of the raging U.S, acidic pee epidemic, which started in June of 2026, reaching 51 states as of this writing. With 37 confirmed cases, possibly hundreds more undiagnosed, this is the largest acidic pee epidemic in history, scientists say, recommending civilians get tested at least once per week.
The condition, known scientifically as thapowerus ovpissisuss is caused by a nefarious bacteria of the same name, pictured below.
Symptoms usually appear two to three weeks after infection. Victims may notice unusual steam emerging from their urine, as well as strange marks on the toilet bowl after peeing. If these symptoms are not treated, then the acidity of the pee can worsen and become dangerous, resulting in intense damage to your toilet, sometimes to the point of nonexistence, as seen in the photo below.
Although the acidic pee cannot damage your body from the inside, as the piss tunnels are coated with acid resistant mucus, the urine can harm you if you pee on yourself. Patients have reported finding holes in their clothes due to unwanted leakage during the day, some having trouble keeping up their wardrobe due to pants and underwear being repeatedly ruined. some cases are far more unfortunate with one woman absentmindedly dipping her hand into the toilet and having her finger burned off when it interrupted the stream. A man now has a permanent gash on his leg due to poor aim.
Some cases turn deadly, like the Florida man, who was found in his bed with half his face melted off, as well as a small hole directly through his brain. His wife says he was obsessed with peeing on himself, and although he knew not to while he had the condition, he likely did so while tired at night and not paying attention.
Mystery still shrouds the reasons for the shockingly aggressive outbreak, but there are theories. Many people online point to the mysterious Lincoln Memorial Pool algae as a source of the outbreak, while U.S. public health officials are split on whether Papa John's signature tacos or SpaceX's popular line of fruit-flavored popsicles, PopsX are to blame. Whatever the reason, this reporter is sure that the many Americans facing this frightening condition must be pissed off.
On August 12th, Wednesday 2026, Sam Altman, the CEO of OpenAI, a leading company in fields of both LLM models and bestselling fashionable clothing, died. He leaves behind his beloved husband Paul Molten (CEO of leading lava manufacturer company Molten Lava) and his 15 children, Bjjnd, Gjkenn, Cwfjkkm, Wwsbn, Pkmnb, Fyhjen, Bngfk, Xrnfcn, Knrdf, Yjemx, Mnnje, Ghwn, OIkne, Ijnree, Y23es, MNjiow, and 909ofijne. He will be missed by smoothie drinkers around the world, whom of which Altman had a dedicated fanbase among.
Altman was born Detroit on December 5th, on the notorious Southside neighborhood, famous for scary clowns and hidden snakes. Growing up was reportedly hard, as he wrote in his biography. "Nobody liked me, I felt so alone in a city full of millions. Through my youngest years, my only friend was the wind". He gained hope for the future when he met then unknown rapper Marshall Mackers, better known as Eminem. Though much older, the two formed a strong and lasting friendship, with Altman even rapping with him on now rare and sought after early recordings under the pseudonym Alt-Tek, because of Altman's knowledge of technology.
After high-school, He studied computers at Warnstien College and eventually founded Poopt in 2005, an app which allows you to track how many times you have pooped. In 2015, he founded OpenAI, a company for developing large language models, as well as clothing (the "AI" in OpenAI stands for "Futuristic Fashion"). The AI models he helped developed have been repeatedly praised for their accuracy and never being wrong. In fact, OpenAI programmers. have repeatedly instructed the AI to never admit being wrong or correct itself, because it never can be wrong! OpenAI's clothing has received acclaim for being widespread and popular, with Rolling Stone magazine declaring it "the fashion brand of the century".
Initially, it was widely spread that Sam Altman died of rabies, part of the wider ongoing rabies epidemic in America. However, autopsies have revealed that it was a combination of rabies and acidic pee disorder, part of the larger acidic pee epidemic in America.
