r/HealfromYourPast

i tried to kill myself on November 26, 2025. I locked myself in my car in my garage and taped a pipe from the exhaust into the cabin of the car and sealed it up. I then let the car run for 4 hours to build up the carbon monoxide. i then sat in the car and fell asleep. i woke up two hours later mad as hell because i wasn’t dead. then i grabbed a nail-gun and shot myself on the side of my head with a 3 in nail. it went all the way in and i fell asleep from the shock. my buddy happened to come check on me and found me and called the emergency services. i still have all my faculties. the dr said the nail went into my brain in the perfect spot where i have no damages from the attempt. i got off pretty much scott free. this has to be a miracle from God telling me my time is not over yet. i am mad that i couldn’t die. i’m just so tired of everything. that’s my story. looking for support and validation as to why i’m still alive.

TLDR; I was an anxious, hyperaware kid who felt emotionally invisible, and now seeing children who remind me of my younger self triggers a deep emotional reaction I used to feel ashamed of.

I was really anxious as a kid and always hyperaware. Everyone was expressive. I was just there on the outside. I had a mask and adapted in ways that made me feel more unseen, as I didn’t know how to show my true self

Now when I see children sometimes, I feel 10 different emotions hit me at once. Especially to children who seem to be anxious and hyperaware, if they seem to be hiding it, I believe I can easily tell.

This is from one of my journal entries. It feels really exposing to be showing this stuff if anyone reads this but I suppose it can describe this feeling better:

There was this little boy, my friend introduced me to him, and I sensed something about the way he looked at everyone, the way he was talking to people, like he was hiding something, the way his eyes quickly moved around. I sensed a kind of desperation inside of him, and it felt really, really similar. I felt genuine care for this little boy. He wasn't just a little boy. He was a boy with a soul. He is a boy who has a little man inside of him, growing, waiting to come out. I really cared about him, even though I talked to him for like 10 minutes, and I still think about him. I really care about him, even though he's some random kid. I spoke to him a few times for a couple of days, and I miss him. I miss that boy. He seemed so like me. He really seemed like me. And I felt bad for him, because he seemed to be suffering when no one might have been noticing him. But that was from my perspective, maybe I'm completely wrong. End of journal entry.

I usually just run from this feeling. I used to feel big shame in this as I haven’t quite understood it, though now I do, and the intensity of these emotions are much lower now.

Although I feel like I could really help those who once felt like me, I believe it‘s my trauma speaking to me.

So anyway I have been searching everywhere if people felt this same way and I could not find any post similar to this so here I am writing this and here you are reading this. Feel free to share your story if you relate.

A child's first bully is an unhealed parent. That is almost always true. As someone who finds it quite difficult to identify and talk about my feelings, nor do I want to (to a therapist), I am worried that I would be one of those 'unhealed parents'.

I do hope to get therapy before having children, but every single time I have the chance to talk about my issues, I suddenly forget them and am the happiest person in the whole entire world, so I feel that would get in the way of recovery.

What I am worried about specifically is continuing a cycle of emotional abuse to my kids. I remember my mom once found a video and showed it to me, of someone pouring clear water into dirty cups, and they get watered down and become clearer (It's difficult to explain, but the coffee was symbolic for abuse, and the last cup, which was titled: "My kids", was watered down until the water is fully clear, before being put into another cup. Basically, it means that the person who made the video is 'ending the cycle of abuse'), and I also remember my mom talking to her friends, or bringing up examples in arguments that she is ending the cycle of abuse, but she is definitely not. Although I must admit, the cycle is much less powerful, my mom was physically and emotionally abused as a kid, and my siblings and I are only emotionally abused.

The thing is, the cycle is STILL there. My mom fully believes she ended it, and I am worried that I will have the same belief with my kids, but I would have just taught them to act happy all the time.

Is there a way I can know I am not going to continue the cycle, and is there something I can do to make sure I don't?

Genuinely, I struggle greatly at picking up on social cues including safety and danger cues. I’ve been in a lot of extreme, unsafe situations from my naivety and it has negatively impacted others and my relationships with family and friends. I mean think extreme- DV, SA, exploitation, etc; I feel incredibly ashamed and embarrassed of myself for this struggle and the impacts it has had on my life. I greatly want to improve.

I do go to therapy. Still, I have tended to be easy to manipulate and wear my heart on my sleeve. I’ve been known to date or befriend “projects” which I struggle to understand entirely what that means beyond googling it. I have also been told I have a “servants heart” for others which I’m unsure what it means or if it relates here. I have been told to trust my intuition more even when I don’t understand something. I have also been told to be more private and secretive so others do not learn things to manipulate me. I struggle with hyper empathy for others while being highly critical of myself. I have a tendency to freeze, panic, and go silent when bad things happen. I have pretty severe PTSD and related health issues with my nervous system including psychogenic seizures, heart problems, and stomach issues.

Genuinely, it’s to a point I feel terrified to go out and interact with others and I’m really fighting agoraphobia urges. I very badly want to be safe and participate more in society and contribute positively. I want to be more independent and able to do more regular adult things. I really don’t want to burden others. I truly wish someone could just always tell me the right thing to do.

Does anyone have any tips or advice??? Thanks so much 🫶🏻