The Death of Attention
I sometimes wonder when I became incapable of being alone with my own mind. I used to read research papers, I could spend hours immersed in difficult ideas quite happily with nothing demanding my attention except the page or the ideas. A few months back, even a few minutes without my phone used to feel strangely unbearable. I guess this is what dopamine loading does to a person. We feed ourselves small pleasures until ordinary life becomes insipid and begins to feel like suffering. For months I have been trying to reclaim it ( as my profession demands focus especially as a newbie )
Now I force myself to read reports, research papers, complicated documents. Sometimes I read the same paragraph over and over almost feeling how stupid I am and wondering how much my attention span has deteriorated. And when I remember the person I used to be and find it difficult not to feel disgusted by what I have become. Anyways looking at the positive side strangely ....I am improving. Half an hour without my phone once seemed impossible but now I can stay away for hours (again, maybe I have no choice now).
But I still have to fight myself not only for attention and deep focus but sometimes like when out of habit I use AI to check whether my articles, documents, and research papers are grammatically sound , even though I know it is absolutely error free. The only thing I'm glad about is that my vocabulary is still better than its AI-curated alternatives.
Anyways, In this ongoing process I have realised that freedom begins in the small and humiliating act of trying to become yourself again.I am sharing this because perhaps someone else is quietly losing themselves too. If you are I truly understand, please keep trying.
Ironically I once wrote an article on "The Great Algorithm Hoax - why we should not use our phone mindlessly"
And now here I'm confessing my addiction...I mean this is funny.