Ich suche nach Hilfe wegen meinen Depressionen. Ich nehme derzeit Psychopharmaka aber sie schlagen nicht doll an. Vielleicht gibt es hier ja Erfahrung zu Ketamin oder Ekt.
This year has been a bad year for me not because I started dabbling in the ketamine, but because of all the revelations that I have had since using it, it brought up so much trauma that I had been suppressing and was really a huge daily weight that I cannot explain honestly, I wouldn’t even attempt to explain it. I will briefly explain some of the things that I was able to see in these ketamine trips and how I think it has opened the door for me to start dealing with some of these things.
My mom passed away 14 years ago from melanoma cancer and also experienced much pain and suffering. Long story short i did a bit too much and I felt like I was gonna pass away in my sleep at first, I freaked out panicked about and then I was like wait a minute I was like this is actually kind of peaceful. It doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t feel bad kind of just feels like I may be just I’m not gonna breathe in them a minute or two and my eyes are gonna close and that’s gonna be the end of it. I remember when the last things I thought that night was well I’m glad for my mom and myself if I pass away right now it’s super fine but I feel really bad for the rest of my family. I’m leaving behind. I want to believe she had a similar experience, although she was very sick from the cancer and how long were full of fluid, etc. I really think that the passing away part was really peaceful for her have no idea how we’re leaving. It was I did some ketamine not in a bad way, but in a peaceful very clear in my mind experience. my mom after divorcing my dad was the fellowship for a while. I’ll tell you it was real hell trying to get back into this stupid religion for her so she could go to her sister‘s wedding only for them to tell her by the way, you can keep studying with us for the next five years we’re not gonna be in state you until your sister’s married because you’re just trying to get back so you can go to the wedding. I’m sorry, but these elders, who the fuck told them that that’s the way shit goes. My grandmother did not like a couple of things at my mom‘s funeral that honestly I me and my brother didn’t want and she had to realize it was our mother too and we got to make some choices as well not everyone was always gonna be happy with the choices.
Having a baby has always been something that I have never taken seriously or thought it was ever for me. Occasionally, when I would be in the K hole, I could see myself with a baby and being really motherly although I’m pretty rough and used to working tough jobs and I’m kind of scared the kids.
Intimacy issues: my boyfriend wishes I would dress sexy and I’m sure he would like it if I grind on him and do some other things that you might find some strippers doing I honestly couldn’t even try some positions with him because I really could not get over the embarrassment honestly I like sex, but it was rough for me for a long time. I had vaginismus which I only learned about recently but have trouble having sex with truly looking at him I was more comfortable in the dark. Super insulted he wanted to go to a strip club. This ties into the topic above, but I also can’t like I can’t even get naked in front of my doctor. My boyfriend is really the only one who’s truly seen me naked. I don’t know if I really had any visions when I did the ketamine with us, but I know that I had way more pleasure sex on ketamine.
World ending/ bad weather on one of the more recent ketamine chips, though I ran and Israel war with the US had broken out and I honestly almost had a heart attack in the world was ending and then I was like wait a minute I was like it’s actually not so bad and then I thought to myself. It’s pretty bad when you hate Work so much you’d rather fucking be living in a war zone trying to survive every day instead of going to work still to the stair at 38 years old when there’s bad weather I call around my family and make sure they’re safe. I tried to gather myself in the cats into the basement whenever there’s a thunderstorm. I feel like my house is going to disappear into a giant single hole(my house creeks a lot when it’s heating and cooling sounds like the boards are literally snapping in the walls and I live in a semi but neighbours walking and some sort of massage chair or washing machine pretty much things that vibrate cause my floor in my living room to shake). I’m fearful of fire is gonna break out in my house when I’m not home and nobody’s gonna save my cats and my tortoise. I also have pictures on a stick that I need to get put into a lock box at the bank as they are the only pictures of my mom that I left.
Anytime I go out anywhere whether it’s local or whether it’s in another country I’m always thinking who’s gonna rob me who’s gonna rape me who can take advantage of me? It’s been really hard to go through every day having these thoughts pretty much every hour for some reason on the ketamine and I feel so free vulnerable but not scared
I guess finally my boyfriend of 20 years this year left me and I’m severely devastated. I honestly feel like my life is over. I honestly do not care to go to live much longer, but I won’t be on my part. I guess I’ll leave it at that, but I feel severely betrayed. I guess would be the word because I was with him forever even though we aren’t married and I put up with a lot of shit that I probably shouldn’t know all because I was not able to date anyone and I have no idea how to break up with somebody how to I don’t even know how we made it this long and I’m not with him because it’s comfortable. I’m with him because I truly love him during some of these ketamine things. I would see the things that he was doing to try and nip me these last few months and cause arguments because he wanted me to leave or he wanted to leave me with all this debt and just peace out. I honestly had a 10 minute the day that we got into a huge fight and he just up and left. I honestly kept having a flashback during this ketamine trip and I thought I was gonna be stuck in him breaking up with me that day in the loop forever till I died honestly that was really horrible, but I’m able to sleep at night now because somehow I gave me some peace. I don’t know how to find them.