r/MTFtomboy

As the title says, I'm a tomboy, a butch, a crossdresser, a GNC, whatever, I'm not the mainstream idea of "trans girl". Ever liked masculinity, vibed with the boys and the masc girls, I don't wear makeup, don't wear dresses, I'm gamer, otaku, for years everyone read me as a "normal boy", etc. I hadn't realized until 17-years-old (past year).

However, the more I keep thinking about my childhood, the more I start noticing some things.

First of all, my hate towards femininity. When I had 7-9 years, I hated all femme-coded things. Then, it was seen as just a boy being masc, as ever, you know, the stereotype. With the time I learned to accept it and maybe even have a bit of outsider interest. However, retrospectively, I notice something: it was masking, like if I wanted to prove so hard to be a boy, when masc boys just...don't need to do it, they just are. Here's where I think: what if I was just a boyish girl whose context made her believe she was a boy and had to prove it?

Second, pop culture. During that time, among the few exceptions were tomboys in fiction. You know, the girls who rule, who fight, who are boyish, who "aren't like the other girls". Samus Aran, Aqua and Larxene (Kingdom Hearts), Lightning (Final Fantasy XIII), some Pokémon characters (e.g. Hilda), Lara Croft (reboot and a bit Legend's trilogy, not the OG male gaze), you know. At first it looked like, you know, boy liking masc-coded things designed for boys, but for some reason they were rarely magnetic to me. What if that was recognition? Yeah, there is a historical fetishization of the tomboy, I know, same reason why I wonder that if TERFs discover people like me exist would say we are a "very specific kind of AGP".

An example of that connection is Mirror's Edge. I played both games when I was 13-14, and there was something with Faith...

Third, my family. I grew in a mostly matriarchal, feminist family, men are relevant but we women are the main thing. For that same reason, I ever knew women can be however we want. Still don't know how I lasted so much into applying it to trans ones.

All of these things separately aren't that much, but together...they make a picture. If I met my 8-years-old-me I would tell him: "well...how do I tell you what you're going to discover in 10 years?"

I don't really know where to begin, I'm having a lot of thoughts about being a trans woman, I'm AMAB, and I hate it. I hate my body hair, I hate my weight distribution, I hate the social aspects of being a man, I don't like gender as a whole. But I always have this nagging voice that says my life would be better, and I'd be happier if I were AFAB. I can't go into a lot of detail why, I'm really exhausted from talking about it, but I know this is how I feel. However I'm 22, and 95kg. I've already gone through male puberty, now I just feel big and in the way and gross. I long to be small and pretty and just, better. I don't want to medically transition or socially transition because I guess I'm just scared? I think I have a lot of internalised transphobia and I just don't know what to do about it. I don't feel like transitioning would ever give me what I want, like instead of being some gross dude, I'd just be a gross dude with a delusion. It's tearing me apart, I don't feel like it's something I'm capable of doing, nobody would take me seriously, I'd never be who I want to be. But ignoring it and living as I am is turning me into a spiteful, angry person and it's affecting my friends. I think part of me thinks that if I were afab, the people I care about would like me more, maybe I wouldn't be so miserable, I don't know anymore. I'm happy to reply to anyone completely honestly, I just need insight into this, I'm scared and alone.