Emotional numbness/disconnection after psilocybin with intense anxious attachment rupture: looking for insight
I’m hoping someone here may have experienced something similar that can offer suggestions.
I took psilocybin 8 days ago during a very emotionally intense period involving someone I had become deeply attached to. I’m wondering if the mushrooms played a role in what happened afterward, or if this is more of a nervous system/trauma response, or both?
Here is the background: I met a man on a dating app in early May and quickly developed a very intense connection. We talked every day for a couple months, often for hours. There were phone calls, video calls, and a lot of emotional connection. When we spent more time together in person, my attraction grew, and also very emotionally activated because I liked him so much. I felt excited, nervous, vulnerable.
I’ve never taken a psychedelic before, but he has taken it often. It wasn’t a traditional “trip” for me. I mostly just felt more relaxed, it just took the anxious nervous edge off, similar to alcohol. He had told me that he was going to sleep over and so in my mind, I thought, even though I was scared to try psilocybin, I trusted that he would stay with me and keep me safe. I’m already a very anxiously attached kind of gal. Well right after being intimate together (for the first time ever), he told me that he was leaving, told me he needed to be in his own bed and that it wasn’t anything personal. I had told him that would be my worst fear, that he would leave after we would be intimate. I had a very intense emotional reaction, crying hysterically, panic, anger. I felt rejected and abandoned and deeply hurt, and a betrayal of trust when he left. I also haven’t heard from him since (it’s been a week).
I went to sleep, and when I woke up the next morning, it was like something had switched off in my emotional landscape. Since then, for 7 days now, I feel calm, but almost too calm, like nothing is reaching me and normal triggers don’t trigger me. I also feel disconnected from my sexuality. I can orgasm physically, but I feel zero pleasure or emotional sensation from it. I’ve lost my sexual desire, which is very unusual for me. My sleep, appetite, exercise, and other functioning are normal. It’s been 7 days and nothing has changed. I’m not on any medications.
The emotions that seem reduced are my high intensity reward/attachment states, and my sexual desire and pleasure system feel completely offline. I can “think” I’m excited but don’t *feel* it. Before this happened, I was a highly sensitive person with very big emotions, so this seems disturbing and concerning. Other emotions I don’t feel are a sense of longing, wanting something with my whole heart, that feeling of being pulled toward something, fear is gone, anxiety, anger, irritation, impatience, annoyed, embarrassment, shame, disappointment…all gone. The only 3 emotions I seem to feel are calm, I’ll laugh at something funny, and cry if something is very sad.
Has anyone experienced anything like this before? I’m not looking for medical advice, just experiences or perspectives from people who may have gone through something similar. I’m hoping my emotions come back because I really miss feeling alive and connected.