UPDATE: AITAH for buying a hot tub after my brother's friends' parents kept refusing to allow him or anyone else in their pool that my brother helped to buy?
OG post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/phPp6SmiAE
1st update: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/YiiunxdUE4
We had our conversation.
J's dad (who I'll call Russell) and I showed up at C's parents' house after work under the guise of trying to mend whatever problems haven't been settled over this whole pool thing yet. We've all known each other for about as long as the boys have (so about 8 years for J and 7 for C). It's not like we're strangers, so it wasn't uncomfortable. We got offered some drinks and we sat down, and the first thing I asked was what this all was about. They wanted to focus on the fact that we dumpster dived to get our pool back, but we were firm that we knew this wasn't about the pool.
C's dad, who I'll call Greg, was mostly quiet the whole time. He just sat back and nodded while his wife, who I'll call Lorraine, spoke for the both of them.
I asked if they really were okay with the boys setting up the pool in their yard to begin with, and they both looked at each other before saying no, they weren't. They both thought it was a waste of money, and pools are a seasonal item so they should've bought something that they could use year round. Russell said they should've said that when we all agreed, including them, to set it up. They said it made C happy and they thought he deserved something he wanted for all his hard work. Lorraine mentioned that, at the end of the day, they felt 'pressured' to do it.
Then we got into the whole liability thing, and if that was really why they wouldn't allow anyone but C in the pool. Lorraine kept claiming yes, that was the reason, despite our attempts to tell her we could've worked something out if she wanted them supervised. It didn't matter, we both just wanted to give the boys what they worked for, and they're the ones who were preventing that, and we wanted to know the truth about why.
She went on to say that she wasn't happy with the idea of a pool in their backyard because a) she was actually planning on building a greenhouse in the same space, and b) they were both concerned that having the pool would be a distraction. Like, C would want to spend more time outside, in the pool, getting sunburnt and all that, than staying inside and studying when school started. It was all another excuse to stay away from the books. And this would give C's friends, including Pete and J, reasons to 'trespass' on their property. Lorraine brought up when Pete snuck in the pool without permission and apparently it was such a big deal that it warranted second thoughts on keeping the pool at all.
We were dumbfounded. They've NEVER acted like this before in all the years we've known them. And honestly, I didn't buy that explanation, and neither did Russell. Greg supported her comments, but they could see that we were unsatisfied with that answer. We wanted to know if they had something against either of our boys.
Lorraine then asked if she could be honest with both of us. I had a feeling we were gonna get answers so I said yes, hit us with your best shot.
She said that they both believe that Pete and J are bad influences on their son. That as they've gotten older, C's become louder, more vulgar, and less willing to join them on their own family activities. That our boys, primarily J, are loud, violent and smart mouthed and they've always felt that C should look for new friends. That they're concerned that the things and words that C has learned from our boys are gonna impact him in the long run and ruin his chances of the life they, I guess, have always dreamed for him. Then she went on this tirade about how they have 'planned' C's future already. He's gonna get into a top university that they're already prepared to pay for, he's gonna get a good job after he graduates, meet a woman and get married, have kids, and essentially live a 'normal' adult life. All this apparently is never gonna happen because of Pete and J.
We were silent. Lorraine kept saying 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry' over and over again, and that we wanted to know the truth, and it's just a concern they have.
Russell spoke first. He asked if they've always felt this way, and Greg said in a way, yes. It wasn't that bad when they were little and just hanging out at school, but as the boys have gotten closer, it's become a 'problem'. When asked what exactly is so bad about these teenage boys, Lorraine again mentioned their mouths, their violent tendencies, their habits (like video games), and all the usual stuff you hear that's bad for growing kids. They also said that, in their opinion, both of them are missing things in their lives that they believe will keep C out of trouble when he gets older. They were, of course, referring to mother figures. Pete's never had a relationship with our mom, and J's dad is divorced and J's mom lives in another country with his sister. So because neither of them has had a wise, loving mother to powder their little asses and warm their bottles like C does, they're bad kids. Oh, and because they're devout Christians and neither of us go to church, that was brought up too. They've just kept their mouths shut about these problems the whole time for the sake of their friendship.
Then, Lorraine dropped this little bomb. She basically implied that they have the means to give C a 'proper' future, meaning money, and just because we don't for our boys, that doesn't give us the right to try and bring C down to our level. Our level, according to her, is not having the means to care for children properly, denying them opportunities, and all these different little nitpicks about our lives that, in their opinion, reflect on Pete and J and their attitudes that C has learned from them.
Now we were PISSED. Russell actually got up and raised his voice, and I had to restrain him and calm him down a little bit. Greg threatened the police if there was any trouble, and that's not how we wanted this night to end. Lorraine was crying and kept saying 'I'm sorry' again and again.
When he calmed down, Russell spoke in a pretty low voice and told them both that we all have different situations, and we're raising these boys in our own ways. If there's something they don't like about either of our boys, you don't hold it against them, you mention it to us. That's how I'm gonna grow as a parent, at least. And nothing about either of our situations gives them the right to say these boys are bad influences. None of them have been to prison or had the cops called on them or anything.
We had to remind them of our histories. I asked them to consider that I'm Pete's brother, not his parent, and I wasn't prepared to raise him when I took him in. I had no choice other than putting him into the foster system. Russell brought up personal problems he had with his ex-wife and her distant relationship with J. We both said we're doing our best raising these boys, just like they are, but if they're so concerned about how they're being raised, what makes them think they're any better just because they have more money?
And if they wanna compare our kids so badly, then let's do it. C is constantly on his phone, because Lorraine always wants to know where he is and what he's doing. C doesn't like to stay home all the time. C always takes junk food from either of our houses. C would rather hang out with his friends in a hot tub than swim in a pool that was four times bigger. The only extracurriculars C does for school are the ones his friends do. C was introduced to and now loves all these geeky things that Pete and J love, and he taught them things he likes. And why were the boys working together to buy a pool to begin with? Because they wanted another reason to hang out with each other despite the heat.
And now, they were both silent. They had these ashamed looks on their faces, especially Lorraine, who just kept crying.
Now, onto the main point, how gatekeeping the pool and then throwing it away when it wasn't being used for the one person they let inside it wasn't how they were gonna treat these boys anymore. Not ours, and not theirs. That's when Greg asked if we were gonna tell them how to parent their kid now. Russell and I both emphasized that the way they're treating C is actually setting him up for failure in his life. He already has self-esteem issues being a teenager, he needs to be able to make his own choices. When asked what choices, I asked if they were sure he even wanted to go to college when he got older. Greg said he 'won't have a choice.' That they've worked too hard to let him pass any opportunity just because he was 'influenced' to do something different, and that's what they're trying to avoid with Pete and J. They were on board with him working, but helping to buy a pool wasn't what they had in mind. I asked what exactly they expected him to buy with the money, and they didn't really have an answer, just something different.
Suffice to say, this wasn't a nice conversation, and we excused ourselves out before either of us said anything that we'll regret, or do something that warrants the police being called, because believe me, we BOTH felt like punching Greg. We never demanded anything from them or threatened legal action like I mentioned in my last post. I kinda said that out of anger, so I apologize for that.
Me and Russell spent a while in his truck just talking about what we can do. What they've done and said wasn't cool, but we had to be careful. We can't control how they raise C, but they can try to control who C can hang out with. They have every right to ban Pete and J from their house if they want to. They don't have to pay for his extracurriculars if they don't want to. They could even move houses if they want to. At the end of the day, it was all about keeping the peace between the boys, which hasn't been a problem because they're all on the same page. In fact, Russell and I both agreed that the boys were behaving more maturely than any of us were, and we laughed at that.
So for right now, we're gonna spend some time thinking of what else we could do. If anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it. But the one thing I know we have to do is talk to Pete and J, and if possible, talk to C. His parents can try all they want to, but C's a smart kid, grounding him isn't gonna keep him from staying in contact with his bros. And I have a strong feeling he's got some interesting things to say about his parents. But again, we're not doing anything until we have solid proof and a solid plan.