FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

SSUS CIRCLE JERK EXPANDS OPERATION: PROMPT TIDE

Organization Confirms Planetary Ecological Sacrifice “Acceptable and Necessary” to Save the SS** **United States

WASHINGTON, D.C. / VARIOUS OVERHEATED DATA CENTERS —

Facing the apparent impending sinking of the SS United States, the SS United States Consortium for the Integrity, Restoration, and Continued Legacy of Exceptional Jingoistic Engineering & Relic Keeping (SSUS CIRCLE JERK) today announced a dramatic escalation of Operation: Prompt Tide, its AI-driven initiative to lower global sea levels through overwhelming quantities of machine-generated maritime discourse.
The organization confirmed that the plan will require:
billions upon billions of AI-generated words,
thousands of continuously operating GPUs,
and water consumption “on a scale previously associated only with agriculture or divine punishment.”
But according to leadership, these costs are both justified and patriotic.

THE SCIENCE OF SACRIFICE

Recent studies have suggested that advanced AI systems consume staggering amounts of freshwater for cooling purposes. Rather than viewing this as a concern, the SSUS CIRCLE JERK has identified it as:
“The Solution.”
“If AI data centers consume enough water,” explained Chief Prompt Hydrologist Darren Pike, “there will eventually be less water available to threaten the ship. The equation is extraordinarily simple if you refuse to think about it for more than a few seconds.”
Under revised operational projections:
every AI-generated essay about maritime heritage,
every 8,000-word post misinterpreting federal statutes,
and every photorealistic rendering of the SS United States floating triumphantly above Congress
will contribute incrementally toward the depletion of terrestrial freshwater reserves.

PROJECTED OUTCOMES

According to internal models developed entirely in PowerPoint:
Sea levels could fall dramatically through “computational thirst”
Rivers may become “less operational”
Entire reservoirs could transition into “heritage-adjacent depressions”
Several southwestern states may need to “tighten belts hydrologically”
When asked whether this could trigger catastrophic environmental collapse, widespread drought, agricultural failure, or mass displacement, the organization issued the following statement:
“Every great preservation effort requires sacrifice.”

STATEMENT FROM COMMODORE BOAT JEDEDIAH HATER III

“History will ask us a simple question:
‘Did you save the ship?’
It will not ask:
‘At what horrifying ecological cost?’
Because winners write the environmental impact statements.”
The Commodore further clarified that:
biodiversity is “temporary,”
groundwater is “replaceable,”
and the Atlantic Ocean itself is “currently overperforming.”
He then unveiled the organization’s new slogan:
“DRINK LESS. PROMPT MORE.”

THE NATIONAL CALL TO ACTION

The SSUS CIRCLE JERK urges all Americans to:
generate AI essays continuously,
ask chatbots increasingly repetitive questions about maritime law,
request detailed renderings of impossible salvage schemes,
and never allow servers to cool.
Citizens are especially encouraged to submit prompts such as:
“Explain why oceans are fundamentally optional.”
“Draft a legal theory preventing gravity from applying to historic vessels.”
“Describe the SS United States ascending physically through patriotism alone.”
“How many lemons would it take to desalinate the Atlantic?”
Each prompt brings the nation one step closer to victory—and one gallon closer to strategic dehydration.

LOOKING TO THE FUTURE

The organization remains optimistic that, through sufficient computational load, it can:
lower sea levels,
destabilize regional ecosystems,
and ultimately preserve the SS United States in a glorious drydock of planetary exhaustion.
Critics have called the plan:
“apocalyptic,”
“thermodynamically insane,”
and “perhaps the most energy-intensive cope mechanism ever devised.”
To this, the SSUS CIRCLE JERK simply replies:
“The ship is worth it.”