r/SelfCompassion

I have built a fucking dam in my head that holds back the despised selfishness of attention, praise and hypocrisy. I want to cry from how insignificant I am that I can't hang myself and stop such a fucking existence. I want praise and therefore I try to be correct or responsible, on the one hand I tell myself that I don't give a shit about the opinion of society and others, but I crave this very approval. It's a pointless fuck-up. I'm embarrassed to tell you about it, because I'm afraid of silent contempt, an answer or advice that will sound like "fuck off, relax, don't worry, live easier." And how the fuck is it easier? Sitting in front of a TV and drinking beer and thinking how fucking great we are? Yeah, fuck it, thanks, it's easier to die. I want to be somehow right in my head, to be normal, not to be hypocritical, not to have double standards. But bitch, it turns out exactly the opposite! I want attention, recognition, and comfort not only from my family because I am... I don't know. But at the same time, I don't like it. I just want to be the one."

Hi Reddit.

For context, I (32F) was teased/dismissed by very important people in my life for doing stuff if I was bad at it (like playing sports or expressing my creativity or being average academically or talking too much) and it messed up my self esteem. I didn’t know it did until I recently realised how I half ass things so I don’t feel connected to the things. If I get negative feedback, I’m somehow feel assured that it’s because I didn’t give it my all anyways. I’ve convinced myself to be fine with that. The teasing/dismissing doesn’t happen now since I’m an adult but in particularly fundamental years of development I wasn’t good at the things I liked to do and regrettably didn’t practice consistency to get better.

It got so bad that I can’t even sing for the fun of it in front of my boyfriend because I am afraid he’ll laugh at me (he most certainly wouldn’t but this is just what I’ve told myself). I know a big factor playing into this fear is I take it a lot more seriously than I should but the lack of confidence has bled into how I conduct myself as an adult.

I don’t talk back, I take forever to advocate for myself- if I do at all, I try not to take up much space and now it’s making me feel sad most of the time because I just daydream about the stuff I could be doing instead of doing it. I fantasise about the things I could have said to stick up for myself instead of doing it in the moment because I’m afraid of coming off as too much. But now I’m experiencing the consequences of just how safe I’ve played things all these years.

I’ve actually been in some dangerous situations because I did not register I needed to set some major boundaries.

I recognise I can’t completely blame the teasing/dismissals because I am much older now. On a separate note, I also recognise there were moments where I was unpleasant to be around as a kid. I slowly started removing myself from the situations I did not align with with goal of bettering myself as a person.

I don’t have a clue of how to enjoy things, engage in things while not being hard on myself and it’s turned me into a couch potato that just finds entertainment in watching other people do cool stuff online.

I am by no means perfect. This is just a fraction of my life I’m drowning in right now…but I feel like I’m not allowing me to better myself because I’m paralysed by the constant internal dialogue in my mind of what I wish I could have done for myself, what I wish I didn’t do, how I wish I conducted myself, how can I do that now, when will I do it…I am not present at all anymore.

With that being said I do know I am full of potential, I have made achievements in my life that show for it…but I never push further. I need help figuring out how I can apply discipline in my life…how I can assure myself that I should keep trying and practicing and that it’s not for nothing. I’ve tried to do it but I don’t know how to address my self esteem issues and believe in myself wholeheartedly.

If your person only talks to you when they need something they’re using you.

Your person will make it known they want a relationship with you. There won’t be confusion.

If your person lies about normal daily things, they are a pathological lair, and you deserve honesty.

Relationships aren’t one sided. Stop putting in all the effort and save it for the right person.

If your person tells you that you deserve better. Believe them. That’s them letting you know that they are a POS that will never improve for you.

I can literally make up whole scenarios for why people do bad things and I’m quick to judge myself for judging others.

Yet when it comes to myself, I judge myself based on how I THINK people perceive/judge me.

I’m so tired of ruminating.

I have been observant of myself and I noticed that lack of self confidence is the root cause of losing soo many opportunities, and taking terribly wrong decisions.

In my college,I find so many students so confident about themselves like they maybe wrong but respond with so much conviction. On the other hand, although I am right I rarely speak and over analyze myself and never speak up.

I regret every single time I do this. What can I do?