r/SexualAbuseSurvivors

Brief context: I was sexually abused by my stepfather for a number of years, starting around age eleven and I finally stopped him as an adult (still living at home). He groomed me into a lot of things, including making me and my Mum argue a lot when I was a teenager, I suspect to push us apart so I wouldn’t tell her.

I have been living out of home (with my boyfriend) for two years now. One year ago (April 2025) I started having panic attacks and flashbacks to the abuse I suffered. At this time, I told my boyfriend about it, and this was the first time I had ever disclosed my abuse - at 23 years old. I then told my psychologist as well.

Since, I have barely seen my family. My abuser is still living with my mum, and has been careful all throughout my abuse and afterwards to create an identity as a “good and trustworthy man” (when others have been found abusing children, he has been an outspoken advocate for those children, and has shunned the offending person - Ironic considering what he did to me was worse in some cases).

I haven’t seen my mum, my grandparents, or even the family dog in about a year. It has been killing me, but I haven’t felt ready to tell people - mostly speaking about my mum - that he abused me. I know this is a situation that will explode. He always told me he would kill himself if I told anyone, which also doesn’t help. It feels like his blood will be on my hands.

Anyway, Mum has asked me to see her a few times lately, and it has felt horrible to make excuses to turn her down, but i can’t bear to see her. Yesterday, she messaged me saying that she missed me and wants to see me soon, but also implying that she has been speaking to her therapist about me.

I don’t know what to do. Biting the bullet here is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. But if I avoid her again this time, that sends a message that I don’t want to see her - which isn’t true. I miss her more than anything, I just am scared of ruining her life by telling her what happened to me for so long without her knowing.

It’s not fair that my whole life has been uprooted by the abuse I suffered, but he gets to keep living like nothing happened. I want to be free from this burden, but I don’t want to endure the process that will free me. I just want this not to be my life. Nothing about this is fair.

Some days I don’t want to be here anymore. It feels like that would be easier than dealing with all of this.

TL;DR - I am between a rock and a hard place, with my mum wanting to see me soon because she misses me, but I haven’t disclosed to her that her partner (my stepfather of 16 years) had been sexually abusing me pretty much the whole time I lived at home, until I stopped him. I want to see her but I won’t be able to hold it together while she talks about my abuser and his life.

Okay everybody, this is my first time posting on this platform and i am extremely nervous but i want to get some opinions. I don’t remember most of my childhood especially things like age and when things happened in the timeline of my life if that makes sense. i do however remember this very vividly i am just not sure on ages. i think i was between 8-10 which would make my cousin 13-15, now me and her are both females i am straight and i dont know about her. anyways she used to come over on mondays after school, i cant remember why monday i just remembe it being monday. well my mom would sit on the couch in the living room and me and my cousin would play in the “play room” which was on the other side of the wall from the living room. well i remember one day she wanted us to play “wedding” where i was the bride and she was the groom and she would kiss me. well i remember telling her i didn’t know how to kiss because I WAS A CHILD. Anyways, i remember her teaching me how to kiss and eventually making me make out with her. Well i had completely forgot about this until i was cleaning out that playroom and found a old white play clutch we had that has a big white flower on the front. it triggered that memory because i had to hold the white purse when i walked down the fake aisle. when i found it i asked my sister who is two years younger than me if she remembered it, she did and said she was the flower girl. anyways we have completely cut all ties with her for other reasons but when i told my mom she didnt believe me and told me since she had opened up with me that something similar had happened to her i had projected it and made up on accident that it had happened to me so we would trauma bond over it. Okay that’s all i have i want advice!!!l

ok so im an eighteen year old girl and im pretty and normal for the first part but as i get older i keep remembering being abused by different people. i remember being sexually abused by my grandpa who also abused my mom. he used to bring me to his room and touch me. I also remember my previous stepdad used to touch me and (i think ?) took pics of me or smth maybe recorded and he also hit my mom and was a little physically abusive towards me. i was also touched by my older cousin (who i love and dont blame) who has now passed. so idk how to feel abt her. and i was also touched by my dads friends and also some of my other cousins. and i also talked to rly old guys online (not anymore) idk really what i want out of this post but i just dont know what else to do. i feel like i should be more affected by this than i am. I mean, im only attracted to way older guys, im into weird stuff, i can only get off to remembering my abuse/things like it/being younger with an old guy, sometimes (rarely) i get panic attacks about it, ive never been in a relationship even though im pretty just because it grosses me out. And i really really like touching myself and sometimes thinking about the abuse during it. But im also really normal, not like weird about kids, im pretty, im smart, i get good grades, im nice, im still a virgin, im not mentally unwell. i just feel like being abused like that wouldve messed me up more. And obvi it has but just not that much. Ik a girl who was only touched once and shes a damn mess and a half so idk what to do with that. Idek if im looking for advice i just sort of wanted to talk. also idk what to think abt the maybe pics/vids of me w my stepdad. this all happened before i was eleven

So a few years ago my (23f at the time) ex bf (24m at the time) during sex had choked me while I had given consent in the past he made sure to in the beginning of our relationship show me pressure different like squeezing the sides or not block airways. Now ive come to terms with I’m not into that I think it was a trauma response to something else that happened when I was 16 but that’s another story. Anyway all that to say one night during sex he was on top of me and he was never gentle he would always try to see how deep he could go if he could see himself through my stomach it would leave me with a lot of abdominal pain. One time during sex he choked me but this time it was different I just sucked it up cause I was so scared I used our signal and he didn’t listen he was using me to get his anger out he choked me not to the point of bruising me but enough to where it hurt to swallow for the next few days. I just remembered this memory now in therapy and being 25 and just am really shaken up and confused