Need Help w Job and Emotional Support
This is really difficult and embarrassing to write but I need help in a lot of ways.
First and foremost, I just need work.
Secondarily, I need a guy or group of guys who can be a supporter for me. Willing to understand that I'm suffering but also encourage me with a helpful ass kicking at the same time. Maybe groups like this exist near where I live? I have no idea.
I'm smart and capable of pretty much anything but I'm just not having success getting hired. When I get interviews, I have really strong conversations with hiring managers. Then, for whatever reason I don't get moved forward or I lose out in the final round.
I'm too senior to be taken seriously for lower roles but I don't care about titles or anything right now. I'd like to make enough that I wouldn't need to keep searching (prob $75k min, ideally anything that is at or could hit $150k+) but I also just need something.
My finances would run out this month except I was able to sell some stock in a company I used to work for. That should pay out soon and hold us over for another two, maybe three months. I dodge credit card calls every day. I stopped paying so I can stretch our available cash.
Now to write the really hard parts.
I try to put on a good face and start each day with hope and optimism. Some days it works and I make some progress but that only lasts a little while. At least once a week I sit in my closet late at night so no one can hear me and cry in my hands.
Reality is approaching quickly and I feel hopeless and useless. Every day I wonder if the greatest value I have left to offer my wife and baby is what my life insurance policy says I am worth. I keep thinking my time is best spent getting documents and accounts in order so they're easier for my family to take care of after I'm gone. I'm pretty sure I'm not bold enough to do that even if I could think of a painless way. And I've lost count of the number of times I've gone to bed begging god to let me die in my sleep.
I've lost faith in god. He won't take me away and he isn't helping me get over the hump either.
I've lost faith in myself and I feel like almost everyone else has lost faith in or stopped caring about me, also. The people who should be checking on me in my job search aren't asking how it's going or sending me ideas and that's incredibly painful.
Even Reddit hates me. I posted this in the sub for depression but it got "removed by Reddit filters" lol. This content is tame compared to the stuff in there.
Apologies for the long, emotional ramblings. I don't feel comfortable talking about this with people in my life which means I have no one to say it to, and I just need to get it out.
If you know of available remote or Austin area (prefer downtown and South) work I am interested in hearing about all options. If you just feel like commenting or sending me a note to say things will be alright that's appreciated, too, even if I am having a hard time believing it right now. I know someone will shit on me and that's fine. I prob deserve it and I'm sure it's hard to resist. Who knows, maybe the tough love will snap me out of it for the day. Perhaps longer.
Struggling Sam in South Austin