r/SubstackPromos

Society pushes the idea of once-in-a-lifetime loves, finding your other half, and the kind of love that is written in the stars. The kind of stories in movies where the world slows down the first time the boy and girl meet and it foreshadows they will be together forever. You know in that moment they both know they are meant for each other and will tell their grandkids how they knew they loved each other from the first moment they saw each other.

Well, que my moment.

I was a sixteen-year-old girl who was excited to be out with my first old beat-up green car that had hubcaps flying off every time I hit a pothole. My friend Rhett asked me if I wanted to come hang out with him and his friend. I can still remember pulling up to his house blaring my CDs on the radio and feeling so cool to be driving around by myself. I saw him and his friend sitting on the porch. I walked up and introduced myself to his friend.

The moment I looked at him, we locked eyes. It was my moment.

His friend, David, introduced himself and stood up. He had an accent and was extremely tall. That was the first thing I noticed. He had curly, long, hair and had to be 6’6. We all decided to go bowling and we had a blast. David cracked jokes the whole time. I also found out that the whole accent was fake. Looking back the antics went on too long.

Alright, back to my moment. When we locked eyes, the world did slow down around me. It was exactly like a movie. Someone somewhere had that exact feeling and they recreated it in Hollywood for people to watch, because that is exactly how it felt. From then on, I knew he loved me, and I loved him. Now, the rest of the story is not as simple as a beautiful romance movie. I wish it was.

We dated all throughout high school. He was my best friend. I know people say that but he really was. I cannot believe how close we were. We spent all of our time together. My family loved him and I became apart of his family. I went to all of his sports games and if I had surgery or either of us went to a hospital, both families were there for both of us. We knew we were going to be together forever.

Although, he had this side to him that at the time I blamed on everything but him. I think about now you are taking guesses; maybe not. Screaming, and yelling, he would get out of the car and punch things. He was an angry dude. He blamed it on his parents, or more specifically, his dad. He blamed it on depression. I got to a point where I told him, if you're feeling this way, you have to talk to someone. Less told, and now gave ultimatums. I was a kid a scared one.

We sat in this little green car I had and talked for hours about going to see a professional one time. His behavior was out of control. My naïve little girl self just trying to talk him into going like I could fix him and he would be nicer to me. Hell, maybe he did really feel depressed. I wouldn’t even know anymore.

Side bar: Maybe its just me but I think at some time or another everyone has a time where they think they can talk someone into understanding how a behavior is not ok or effects them. I guess somewhere in growing up I learned to allow the worst. The thought that some of the things he would say was excuses never really crossed my mind. So women or girls out there- if someone has bad behavior and says gives excuse like “it’s just because my dad” or “just because im depressed” blah blah… oh well. You can be depressed and not hit someone. (for example). Identifying a problem and owning a problem are two different things.

Anyway:

I would tell him I would go with him to therapy if he just went, I was so desperate. Like I said, I really loved him. I kept telling him he had to tell his mom though. He made me tell his mom. I did. What a weird conversation. It most likely was weirder for her to have a 16 year-old sitting across from her telling her that her son needed help and he wouldn’t talk to her. He really did need therapy though. She didn’t let me go with him of course. Thank god. She did take him though. I don’t think he was ever honest with that guy; he just kept getting mad at him. The term “red flag” is really popular right now. If it was then, than I was clearly ignoring all of them. As we got a little older he would drink a lot with friends. That would spiral right into adulthood and right into our marriage.

How did I even love him? It wasn’t all bad then. He was so much fun. He was tall and handsome. He had a full head of curly black hair. He had a big smile and laugh. The kind that just lit up a room. I mean like when he was in a room he filled it with his presence. Everyone knew he was there. The true life of the party. He helped friends and family and me. He was kind when he wanted to be. Reading this you may be like, “ oh you are nuts” but he was a protector of the people around him. David had big goals and dreams and set out to accomplish them. Even now, I can look back and see his face with that smile on it. It's imprinted into my mind.

I was in and out of a wheelchair in high school and even early adulthood, and when I tell you he was always there and supportive. We went to dances. One homecoming, we got all dressed up, and I danced in the wheelchair, and he danced around and behind me, and we laughed and had the most amazing time. He helped whenever I needed help. We changed or modified plans. He did not care a bit.

When it was good, it was great. When it was bad, it was really, really bad, and it just kept getting worse.

Looking back maybe he didn’t care I was sick because I was easier to control, or I relied on him more, but I loved him for it. He cared for me in a way that nobody our age should have to or should expect of anyone. Despite anything I tell you, sometimes I truly do believe that he did love me. Just saying that puts a hole in my stomach that I feel like I’m choking on. David would have never let anyone or anything hurt me.

Isn’t that ironic. Considering.

It’s taken me years to be able to start writing about this and sharing my experience. I’m only just beginning, but putting these words somewhere outside of myself has been healing in a way I didn’t expect.

I’ve started writing more about that journey here if anyone wants to read: https://substack.com/@thesecretsikept?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=android&r=8fc47u