My shameful sad cycle of using from familiarity. Idk how to live a day sober. Shits weird and long asf…HALP?…ADVICE? Or struggling with the same shit?
Every day I get off from work and I have the next day off I get atleast a 1g bag and 6 buzzballs, playing video games or searching random info on my phone like my screen time and cellular data tryna find out if someone hacking my shit. Basically just wasting hours of my life hyper focused on connecting dots that arnt even remotely related or playing video games and then drinking all 6 buzz balls and getting extremely horny looking up crazy shit and recording embarrassing ass videos and stripping or wearing lingerie feeling sexy until I finish n fall asleep waking up with a pounding head ache feeling like shit and surrounded by food or clothing I don’t remember eating/changing out of or into. Wake up feeling disgusting from everything I did tht night and how horny I was doing shit I wouldn’t ever do sober, hoping no one in the house caught me gooning or doing something drunk asf. Then also struggling with the comedown sleeping for hours and waking up depressed and tired asf drained and uninterested in everything. Just to sober up for a couple days gaining energy and being productive and back into reality but thinking I can feel even better and higher if I grab a bag n sniff it so I start the cycle all over again and I hate myself feeling controlled by a overrated, expensive ass bag of white powder that hijacks my thoughts everyday knowing that I’ll give in when I get off work for a short feeling of numbness and familiarity followed by insomnia , depression, paranoia and anxiety ultimately not even with the expensive cost in $ and in comedown side effects.
Somehow I can’t break free of this addiction controlling me even when I see how negativity it affects me afterwards and how the high is so short and not worth the long comedown and criticism side effects.
I think it’s just the familiarity of using daily that I don’t know how to live sober. Everything is so boring and the day is so long and abnormal if I don’t use.
I don’t even enjoy the high at this point it’s usually paranoia and inability to do anything productive usually wasting time fucking with phone setting or chatting with chat gpt thinking I’m understanding everything about myself but in reality just to forget everything the next day and never look back at screenshots I saved thinking they were breakthroughs.
Honestly I don’t know how to live a single day so that shit is so unbearably long and boring and unfamiliar it’s so sad I’ve been using daily so long that idk how a normal day is supposed to feel.