r/gaymenscommunity

This is my first time posting on a Reddit thread so bear with me. I am a 25M attractive guy - pretty twinky. I have been battling with myself so much of late in terms of where I fit in with intimacy and been struggling with drugs. I was in a four year relationship and since it ended (almost two years ago), I really haven’t found my footing in life. i’ve had sex with plenty of men since and gone on lots of dates. It’s always like the grass is greener in my head. Like I’m gonna miss out if I settle - I know heterosexual people probably deal with this too, It just seems so prominent in gay culture. I also have this terrible habit of getting really interested in a guy after they start distancing themselves from me. Like a specific situation - I was talking to the super intelligent, funny, few years older man - was out with him and made out with someone else in front of his face drunkenly. My excuse was that we weren’t exclusive, even though it was just a shitty thing to do in general to a guy I’m out with. And only after he pulled away, was I like pining over him trying to win him back. And I know this about myself, but I keep finding myself continuing this toxic cycle. Like I need to fuck up a little bit so then I can try to win you over. Needless to say it didn’t work out. Does anyone else struggle with this? Any advice? Maybe it’s because I can’t deal with rejection well? so if someone doesn’t want me, I’m like freak out? maybe I just need hella therapy. The other thing I wanted to yap about was being so dependent on these chemicals - alc, coke, thc, mdma. Why is it that so much of gay culture or at least gay culture that I experience has to be surrounded by substances? I know there’s probably a long history of how that came to be, but for me trying to be a social gay person and struggling with substances it’s made my life tricky. First and foremost I’ve been a bit of an alcoholic but ever since I left my last relationship it’s been way easier for me to kind of spiral out of control with coke and whatnot. I also find myself being way more productive member of society. If I have some authority over me - I like my last relationship I wouldn’t wanna fight with my boyfriend about being a drunk so I was way better about it. How toxic is it if I have to behave only for other people cause I really don’t give a fuck about myself? I am going out all the time because it feels like one of the only releases I have in my life - hard to meet other queer people not in a club scene. I miss my other hobbies - I’m just so fucking depressed. The real wake up call should’ve been smoking m#th with some random on Grindr I LET IN MY HOUSE. I had never even thought about smoking meth but I was really drunk and he waving it in my face ( I’m bad at saying no ) - saying I would NEVER smoke that shit again but going back on my word while I was coked out and drunk with a random tweaker a few weeks ago. I know all this shit sounds super messy, but it’s truly not me lol. I don’t think you’d get that impression if you met me on the street. I have opportunities in life to make a change, but I’m afraid it’s gonna be isolating. I can’t afford rehab, and I don’t know if that’s what I truly need. I’m just so depressed in the mundane and feeling like I don’t have a community and all my friends are addicted to drugs. I don’t really know what I’m expecting to get from this Reddit post. It kind of felt like a journal entry to me lmao. If anyone has life advice for this lost Twink would be appreciated. 🫡 xx