r/latebloomergaybros

I’ve been married for 20+ years, got married young. She was out as bi when we met, I came out some years later.

It became clear I think to both of us that I was increasingly less interested in her (never really showed interest in other women) and increasingly interested in guys. We tried incorporating porn into our sex life at one point and I responded very strongly to gay porn and not at all to anything with women in it. Sex life got to a point where I needed to watch gay porn to get hard with her and needed to finish with her on her stomach and using a healthy dose of imagination.

We tried an open relationship at her suggestion (I really had very limited prior experience with men), which led us both to figure out we were mostly sexually interested in the same sex. Our sex life pretty much stopped; about a year ago we started keeping separate rooms. About 3 nights a week I go out with guys (some dates, some FWBs) and about 3 nights a week she goes out with women. I feel at times I’m gay, other times that I’m bi, but very gay-leaning. I tend to notice attractive women more in public, but don’t feel sexual desire for them like I do with men. At the same time I’d like to try and go back to what we once had, but don’t know it’s possible at this point.

Anyone have any experience with this? Anyone make things work afterwards?

I have been having therapy and finally starting to accept my attraction to men, now watching a random boring car review video, looking at the crotches turning me on, even though they’re your average 40 year old man. Can anyone else relate? Do straight women feel like this?

50M married more than 20 years with teenagers, thought I was straight despite a couple gay experiences in college, but in recent years, and in therapy now, it turns out I’m gay.

Oops.

Figuring things out, but as I read stories here and elsewhere, listen to podcasts, cruise forums, I feel like a lot of late bloomers knew they were gay and couldn’t come out, or they realized they were gay and stayed closeted a long time.

Anyone out there just totally missed your own signals and then came out later in life? I’d love to hear from more guys who have been through what I’m about to go through.

Did your friends and family say “no shit, Sherlock” or did they treat you like you’ve been an idiot for not figuring this out until now?

Like the title says, have been having increasing urges lately and feel a need to finally explore what I truly want and need in a partner. The cheating aspect is scary and feels wrong, but I feel like there is no other way to truly find out before deciding on taking the next steps. I don't think I can open up to my wife for a variety of reasons, but who knows maybe that's the right thing to do. Would love to chat with men who are or have been in a similar situation, would love to hear your stories, what lessons you learned, and just have a friendly ear to lean on. My desires seem to stem for more than just a physical connection with a man, so maybe that is all the sign I truly need?

I’m 44, married 20 years with 6 kids. Curious to talk to other gay guys who have managed to stay married, whether you have come out to your wife or not.

Back story, I was married to a woman and had 2 kids with her. Came out 3 yrs ago. Her and the kids were very accepting and there is no hate among any of us. We all still love eachother and are family. Her and I being chosen family.

Now to the present. We are finally to the point of selling the house and living in our own places. Today I’m starting to move stuff into my apartment. While I should be excited, im not. I know this is the right thing to do. I can feel it in my bones. But trying to find any excitement in this right now feels impossible. All I’m feeling is guilt and replaying the past and how I could have avoided this.

My point in this rant is. Doing something you know is right, but not being excited about or it feeling good. Is the weirdest feeling ever 😩

Yes I’m in therapy

For the record, I’m not out. I’m living separately from my wife of 10 years and have been exploring my sexuality the past several months. Mostly textually. But I did have one really shitty experience on Grinder. I prefer not yo spill the tea so publicly but DM and I’ll share and get your hot take. But it seems the platform is a huge scam. Or maybe it just takes getting used to. But so far, it’s MUCH more difficult being gay than straight. Like, I don’t know wtf I’m doing… makes me question everything even more 🫤🫤🫤🫤🫤

Let me preface this by saying that, even though I did not yet identify as bi or gay, I knew that I was attracted to other guys at least since puberty, probably even before. But what I don’t know is if I was gay and dealing with comphet or bi. Not that it really matters, I am just curious — especially as an introspective person.

As soon as I discovered porn when I was younger, my interest in straight porn lasted for maybe five minutes tops before I sought out gay porn, and then never looked back. It was also during the days of AOL chat rooms, and I did spend a fair amount of time when I got the chance in those rooms (never in straight ones). And in college, I watched Queer as Folk pretty regularly. Fantasies were always about guys, never about women. But I would publicly notice attractive women more than attractive men.

I was a make out whore with women in college, but despite their advances, I usually resisted and didn’t really do much more than kissing, aside from receiving oral a few times. There were two times that I tried (they initiated), but I couldn’t get it up. I wasn’t sure if it was due to lack of attraction or performance anxiety.

When I was in my early 20s, I met the woman that I would marry. I legitimately fell in love with her, but again I had resisted doing anything sexual for quite some time. I got a prescription for Viagra and chalked my previous issues up to performance anxiety. After some months things came naturally, but I often had to picture myself with a man to finish. We got married, had our first child together, and it pushed me deeper into denial, until I simply couldn’t deny it anymore. At that point I came out as bi; she was already out as bi and had dated women before we got together.

It was only after I came out as bi that I had my first experience with a guy, with her encouraging me to “explore” and “discover myself“. There had been a few rocky spots in our marriage before that, and again shortly after I came out as bi for the first time we ran into the same issue. She at that point had said she identified mostly as lesbian and was 90-95% attracted to women, but insisted she was attracted to me. I think the thing that disturbed me most in these rocky patches was that instead of trying to talk through problems, she closed up and was being deceptive. She created a separate bank account, was talking to lawyers and meanwhile I thought things in our relationship were fine. She could shut off sometimes, but wouldn’t really acknowledge what was wrong when I would ask. We repaired things, but some damage was obviously already done, leading to some trust issues.

I think it was around that time that I first acknowledged and recognized having an interest primarily (pretty much exclusively) in men. And I also found, which might not be related to this, as it could be related to simply getting older and tastes changing, but I was less attracted to femininity in guys and more attracted to more masculine types, the very opposite of women – often things like shaved heads, facial hair, body hair, beefier bodies, etc. And I found myself not only disinterested in the female form, which was more of the case before, but sort of repulsed by it. I knew that if we ever split up, I would have no interest in ever being with a woman again.

And sexually before we opened out marriage for the second time (the first time was very brief) I found I couldn’t get hard for sex without watching gay porn first and had to finish doggy style/prone, picturing myself with a man. She could only get off in missionary, so we usually started that way and then when she finished, she instinctively knew to turn over on her stomach. That lasted for a couple of years, until we opened our marriage. And then after my first experience with a guy, my sex life with her pretty much stopped. I had zero interest in women and can say that that has very clearly been the case for at least the last seven or eight years, and maybe was always the case, but I’m not sure.

I guess I am just wondering if it was a natural progression and due to comphet, or if the negative experiences and memories with her left a bad taste in my mouth. Just wondering if anyone here has similar experiences and what you attribute it to.