r/legaldogadvice

I am Jaeger, protector of the household, ladies dog and international man of mystery.

I was up early with dad and went out the DOGGIE door, and startled a stinky kitty just outside the door. This was totally unavoidable. Stinky kitties should not hang out near doggie doors and not expect a dog may come through.

Anyway the stinky kitty activated the bad stink (not good stinks like poo) and I was punished terribly. I needed comfort and rushed to dad. I jumped in his lap and he PUSHED ME OFF. He then took me in the rain room and GAVE ME A BATH. The indignity, I was assaulted and dad decides I need more punishment? Then I was denied entry into the sleeping room all morning. I was the injured party. Why wasn't the stinky kitty given a bath instead of me?

I think I need many many treats and cuddles to compensate for being treated so poorly after being assaulted by a stinky kitty who should have known better. I have included a picture of my handsome self in happier times.

It lowd and stinky, en sumtimz scaare me cuz I lik too sleepz warez it cumz out. Ebben wen no scaare, stillz gots too moof en find nooo cumfy spot. Annoyinz! Wont letz me findz nise smellzy stuff, punized wit baaf in big water box. Butz she do stinky nezt to my noze en dat ookaay? I needz legal info.

-Sousa Marie The Bestest Gurl

I am seeking legal counsel regarding what I believe may be fraudulent food taxation practices being enforced in my household.

For years, the established Food Tax rate was a very reasonable 10%. This system worked well. If I made a sandwich, an appropriately sized piece of turkey would be surrendered to the Department of Pup Revenue, with a little extra forfeited in good measure, and we would all move on peacefully.

However, in recent months, my furry little shadow has informed me that Pawgress has repeatedly passed emergency legislation increasing the tax burden due to “the current treatconomy.”

The rates now appear to be:

* Chips: 35%

* Cheese: 60%

* Dumplings: variable, but aggressively audited

* Sandwiches: apparently up to 100%

Whenever I question these increases, I am immediately met with judgemental side eye, dramatic full-body Chihuahua shakes, and repeated references to something called the “Good Boy Clause,” which allegedly grants him broad authority to collect additional compensation for being “the bestest boy.”

I have attempted to independently verify these laws, but I cannot find any evidence that Pawgress has formally convened at any point. I am beginning to suspect that all legislation is being drafted and enforced unilaterally by a tiny trembling lobbyist operating from his floof command center.

Attached is photographic evidence of the suspect actively attempting to collect what he claims is a “mandatory treato tariff.”

I do not object to paying my fair share. However, I would like clarification regarding what the legally accepted food tax rates actually are before I lose custody of my entire lunch.

Additionally, I was promised “no taxation without retrievetation,” yet I have received no meaningful representation in these negotiations whatsoever.

At this point, I fear failure to comply may result in escalation tactics including:

* louder shaking

* tiny sad sneezes

* following me to every room in the house

* sitting directly in front of the refrigerator as an act of protest

Do I have grounds to dispute these assessments, or does the Good Boy Clause truly supersede all known sandwich law?

George the Western Pleasure horse as animal tax

Anyone have regulars who come through their store with LGD (I think that's the proper acronym?) Every so often I'll see one in-store that's off lead and offer the slip leash (topic for another post)

Hi frens it Doshie again. It vurry hot outside so walkies few and far between. Twoday momma werk wut called half day and den go to homeless doggo place. After dinner and wrestling kitty we go for walkie. On da walk we sit for water brek at coffee shop. Coffee lady comes outside and offers pup cup! I luv pup cup! After dat we go in store and den we go SQUIRREL!!! patrolling. I saw two SQUIRRELS!!! and treed one. Den when we game home gamma came by with something for Momma. Momma no feel good but still take time to walk me and I ppreciare Momma for dat. Plus sick momma means I getz da Kleenex!

Hi frens. Iz me Ansel the Stubborn. Dis my face doin a concern.

Mawmy and Pawther keep telling me I iz gonna have so much fun at sitterz. I no understand what sitterz is. Is it a place to get many treatos? Can I get dirty and be lazy at sitterz?

Dis sounds ok but den Mawmy sez I’ll be there for two weeks. I don’t know weeks but it must be a lot of furebers cuz pawrents are put lots of there removable furs in box with wheels. Wheels mean go. Are dey doin a leave? Will dey come back for sweet little Ansel?

I iz so comfuzed. Iz dis ok or do I do a soo?

Hello pawyers,
I suffered a huge injustice. Next to mine house lives two old people and they is the greatest and my favoritest and I adores them. I would like to hang out with them every day all the days but some days we don’t.

If we don’t for around one or two days I will inform the human that she clearly forgotted about it and that we should go over. Is very easy to get there cause you can just go into the backyard and then there is a door that you can just pull (even I can pull) and then you go to their door and maybe if they don’t react fast enough or your human is crazy slow and not helping by knocking for you, you might need to bark. But then they will open the door and say Hi, Willy!!! And then you can wag your tail crazy fast and be super duper happy and then maybe they give you a tasty stick and also some treats and also often some cheese and you can be even more super duper happy.

Anyway, I hadn't seen them in probably forever. I usually don't go out by myself into the backyard cause being alone is kinda stupid and I could instead also just go on a walk so idk why the human was so surprised that I runned straight for the old people's house. She called me, but I decided to wait in front of the door. Probably soon someone will open, I figured. But my stupid human comed and picked me up and carried me back into my house. She claims they went on holiday??? But why without me???

I also loves going on holiday, guys! I went before and then I had another bed but it was still comfy and I walked up a mountain and hanged out by a lake and it was a fun time. Why would the old people do fun stuff without me even though they loves me so much? This is no fair. Can I soo for holiday with all my friends???

Also, when they comed back and we goed over to hang out and they talked long time but they claimed they had none cheese cause they had not gone shopping yet. I really wanted some cheese and looked at their cold box very sad. They only gived me a tasty stick and a walnut. This is also no fair. Pictures are of me dreaming of the cheese and also me looking at my old friend whom I love so very much.

Friends, It is I again, Sir Roger von Chonky Cheeks, distinguished long-haired black hamster of Syria and highly educated to boot. I am here on the advice of Maggie Mae and Mollie (known colloquially as the calico twins) and Lucy (the Shepadoodle, whatever that is). I may need to “do a soo”?

As you may remember from my earlier walkabout adventure, I reside in a preschool often filled with small hooman beans and Teacher-Mother. I have a spacious plexiglass and wood tri-level abode with all the modern comforts and necessaries. This is my home, dare I say, *my castle*.

The preschool is taking a short hiatus before beginning the summer session. Teacher-Mother has relocated me from my estate to this “cozy” cottage. I protest. I made my displeasure known by pushing my dinner bowl completely off the dining balcony and then I childishly pushed in the water nozzle repeatedly and created a puddle. I think this is akin to the small hooman beans “temper tantrums”.

I admit that I don’t mind the neighbors. I have distant cousins in the forms of two felines and a canine. We have a couple of brief visits but I stay in the upper territory with the smallest of Mother-Teacher’s larger hooman beans offspring while they reside on the lower level.

However, this is not MY home. Could I sue for involuntary relocation?

(Our preschool is on a 3 week break before resuming for summer programming. I live less than 5 minutes away so I *could* have easily checked on him daily or asked the church staff to check if I couldn’t. However after Sir Roger’s Snowmageddon Escape I wasn’t going to take any chances.
As an almost 3YO grompy old manster he does not like relocating. It was almost comical to watch him with the water bottle.
I’ve given him extra treats to make up for the general indignities of life. He’s very interested in the cats and dog, and they equally fascinated by and terrified of him. My boys are being extremely cautious about closing 12YO’s bedroom door while Sir Roger is in residence.)

Edit: Sir Roger’s Walkabout Adventure

Edit 2: Sir RvCC’s normal “cage” is roughly 4’ by 3’. I am 5’2” ON A BIG HAIR DAY. I have disproportionately tiny T-Rex arms. That has been confirmed in
Multiple assessments 🥲.

I built Sie RvCC’s estate with my own two hands and my deceased husband’s tools. I barely got it into my classroom (my bad). I cannot feasibly move it. Sir RvCC has a DELUXE APT IN THE SKY now for his second home. )

Hi! Iz mi, RobinGurlWhyRUSoWeird??? 1f English Cream Golden Retriever. Mama sayz I haz two meny toyz but u can C that I don’t!! Mine GramMi fixeded some a billion furevers ago (yesterday) but RobinGurl deserbs MOAR! Right???? Can RobinGurl soo mama??

(Mama note: not seen is another lick mat because it’s in the freezer with peanut butter on it, a giant lamby that is in triage for repair by my mom [GramMi], 3 yak cheese logs and about 1700 tennis balls outside. But she sighs like all she does is work 🤣)

Mahm took me to pokey place and I dont remember anyfing but when I woke up I feel funny and mahm make me wear Donut of Despair so I no lick stitches?!? I love licking things!! Normally I allowed to lick everything! I lick feets, butts, faces, all the things!! But now not allowed to lick stitches, whatever that is?! Also my treatos have been reduced because "medicine" but I don't even know what that means?!? Need pawer to help remove Donut of Despair and reinstate treatos!! Halp!! ✨️Princess Charlotte ✨️

I selects pawfect fwagwance for myselfs but evils ooman says I neds the Baffs and be cleens! but am cleens and got now perfects perfooms.

ooman jellus an need soos, goin to puts orrible sope on me and smell like smelly ooman babies.

Any pawyers elp wiv situation?

Hi everyone,

I hope you're all excited to come to my birthday weekend and that you're on the way! Party supplies and some birthday presents arrived early, and even though she tried to hide them, I found them and took 2. I got a birthday Lambchop - my first Lambchop (photos 1 and 2) - and my first emotional support pickle (photos 3 and 4). I wasn't allowed to have squeaker toys because my mom thought I would choke on them. Once, my grandma got me a toy with squeakers, and she saw I removed the squeaker and spit it out and then went back for the next, and so on, she loosened up about squeaker toys. So now I have an emotional support pickle of my very own!

My mom took photo 5 after I fell asleep after de-squeaking Lambchop and the pickle. She said I had to include it for your amusement.

Is fren Tasha. I do victory aroooooooo!!!

Is best day, today! I got good advice here in my udder post, and got me a pawyer. Dey sent dis Seese and Desist letter .. and I gets da grass!

DA CASE OV MOLLY V. PAWRENTS (2026)

FURST CLASS LAW FIRM OV BORK BORK & ASSOCIATES

Speshulizing in Yard Access, Snack Deprivashun, and Injustiss

SEESE AN DESIST ORDR

(Very Ofishul, Do Not Ignor, I Meen It)

To: Da Pawrents

Frum: Molly, Plantiff, Good Girl, Esq.

Re: DA GRASS SITUASHUN

We is riting on behalf ov our cliant, Molly (hereinafter "da Good Girl," "da Plaintif," or "WHO'S A GOOD GIRL, IS IT YOU??"). She has retaind us to pursoo MAXIMIM JUSTISS.

DA FACKS OV DA CASE:

Dar was yard. BIG yard. HOLE yard. Dis is dokumented in Molly's memory banks (very relyable, excep wen squirrel happen).

Pawrents did construkt a FENCE. Insid da existin yard. Dis is called "fens within fens" and is DOUBLE CRIME.

Behind said fens: GRASS. Lush. Soft. Rolly. Smelling of earf and worms and FREEDUM. Molly can SEE it. She can SMEL it. She canNOT access it. Dis constitutes EMOSHUNUL DAMIJ.

Pawrents cited "4 to 6 weeks." Da Court will note dat 4 to 6 weeks is FOREBER in dog time, which is da only time dat matters in dis jurissdikshun.

CHARGES BROT:

* Unlawful Grass Witholdin (Felony, Furst Degree)

* Deprivashun ov Sunbakin Privileges

* Emotional Distres frum Visible But Inaccessibol Rollin Surface

* Construkshun ov Unnecessry Fens (Aggravated)

* Saying "4 to 6 weeks" wif strayt fase

DAMIJIS SOUGHT:

Da Good Girl is seekin da following remedies frum da Court:

1. IMEEDYUT seese an desist ov all fence-adjacint smugness

2. One (1) chimkin, hole, not shredded (dis is for emoshunul support durin litigashun)

3. Acses to grass, COMPLEET, wifout escort or "gentle redirectin"

4. Treatos: a pile. Size TBD by Molly. Court defer to her judgment.

5. One (1) squeaky tug toy, NEW, not da deflated sad wun

6. Formal apology, deliverd wif belly rubs, NO EXCEPTIONS

7. Punitive cheez. Obvussly.

LEGAL PRESEDINT:

Da Court will note dat in Floofer v. Backyard Restricshuns (2019), da tribunal found dat "a dog what can SEE da grass is a dog what DESRVES da grass." Dis is binding. We lukt it up. Mostly.

SEESE AN DESIST ORDR:

Pawrents is hereby orderd to IMEEDYUTLY:

Stop pointin at da grass and sayin "soon"

Stop usin da werd "recovery" like it eksplains evryting

Provid interim rollin surface (blankit wif outside smells acceptable as temprary measur)

Stop lukin so calm about dis. Dis is CRISIS.

Faylyur to comply will result in escalashun to:

Mournful eyes (Level 1)

Da Sigh (Level 2)

Sittin wif back turnd to pawrents (Level 3, Nuclear Opshun)

IN KONKLUSHUN:

Da Good Girl did not choose dis fite. Da fite was brort to HER, by DA FENCE. She stands redy to negoshiate, but only if negoshiashuns involve treats up front, no conditions, grass acses imeedyut, and also more treats.

Justice is bork.

Bork Bork & Associates canot be held responsibul if Molly settles case erly for one (1) chimkin and a nap in da sun. We know our cliant.

Filed dis day, in da Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Twenty Siks, in da District Ov Da Big Feelin

Hi frens it Doshie again. Momma werk all week and no walk. But den twonight I get walk. We go to my favorite place with da hot dogs. No hot dogs twonight but der other doggos I made frens wit and I got french fries and pup cup! Den car ride wit other doggo home! (No I didn't adopt another dog, this was a shelter dog, the whole night was a fundraiser for the animal shelter I volunteer at and the other dogs were shelter dogs for adoption)

Hi frens it Doshie again. I gotz lotz of walkies over the weekend since momma no werk dis weekend. I spotted lotz of SQUIRRELS!!! and even treed two of dem. Den after the second SQUIRREL!!! I saw buny. I love buny! To chase! Momma sehz I drug her in circles over buny. (Sigh another high prey drive pursuit)