r/lovememes

I dont even know how to start this properly. I just feel like I’m carrying too much inside me, and I have no one left to even say it to, I am gonna graduate soon, and I literally have no one in my life except him, and I don’t even understand how I ended up here. When I first met him, he was really tall,handsome, good looking. My kind of attractive looking guy and I didn’t notice him like that first, but it wasn’t like a crush anything, but later on he confessed, he liked me so i took my time and gave it a chance and also there were other things that made me see him as really talented and interesting.

He used to sketch very well, and in our course, sketching is an important part. I didn’t think about it too much. Then I just thought this would work out naturally, but slowly over time I feel like my life started shrinking without me, even realising it.

Looking back now, I think I was in love with the version of him I imagined in my head like when we started dating. I did notice he wasn’t the smartest person I’ve ever met. I don’t mean academically. I am not some Einstein myself. I don’t know how to put this, but I found him a bit dumb like the way he understood things.

It was very different for me, but it didn’t matter then, when I met him, he wasn’t the most ambitious guy he was just “I’m still figuring life”or “going with the flow” kind of a guy, but I am the kind of person who is really, really ambitious like I have goals. I want to live up to them, really bad, and then I think it got to him a little as well as it started with talking and I started to make him understand it, but it started to comeback against me like seriously? He slowly started picking up things started acting ambitious, but then he started making me feel little and used it as as excuses to not give time to the relationship or to do things for me, and he just started saying things like “I am doing this all for you “ “I wish you were more understanding” and it did hurt.

I mean, I was the most jolly, ambitious, full of life kind of a person, I remember, but this relationship stole so many things from me. It wasn’t just my happiness or emotional things. it stole away my college life too you know how people say and talk about how college was the best year of their lives. Mine just disappeared with him. I never got to enjoy the way everyone did and it’s not like I’m not up for spontaneous things. I always suggested trips/ outings late night drives, memories to build with friends. but every time I suggested something, he would always say “no, maybe later, not today, we’ll see” everything just became another excuse or another next time, and I just kept waiting for us to have those moments, and they never did and it kept getting worse.

The strange part is that he wasn’t like that with everyone. In fact, he made sure that he enjoyed his college life with his friends or anything else. He always found time. He always found energy. He always found excitement always found Money as well to the point where he was ready to even sell his iPad to go on a trip with them, but with me, it was always a big fat “No”. You know this isn’t the worst part.

The worst part is. I remember, I had to start begging him for the smallest things like spending a day with me or talking to me on a call or to get his car when we are going out or to watch movie together like seriously what kind of a boyfriend makes his girlfriend beg just to bring his car out for one day I literally had to beg him to get his car, not once not twice every time and he would still refuse. It wasn’t like it was some BMW or Mercedes. It was a bloody Ford Figo, some 10-20 years old. seriously, how low can a guy fall?

This was just the relationship, but then he started affecting my social life too. I was always a person without a social media presence, but I did have friends and a social life but being with him, it took away my friends too, not all at once, but slowly and painfully through situations that I never thought would lead to this like one of my closest friends trusted me with something very personal, and I told him because he was my boyfriend, and I was soo in love with him and trusted him, but this guy he goes directly to her and ask her about that same thing like it was just some casually information out there, and it destroyed everything between me and her and we ended up in a big fight, and I lost that friendship. and even after that things didn’t stop at a point in college, he spread a rumour that he did all my college work and suddenly people started looking me very differently and i didnt even understand how big it became until it had spread quite a lot, and I started dealing with the consequences internally. I could feel people judging me hard and also because I just lost someone, I was going through a tough time then but still he kept denying it and never taking responsibility or accountability for it.

Other times like he literally casually just because he was pissed at me one day so he dropped “this girl is so high to maintain. I have to spend like 10K on her every month, I do so much for her “ to his friend when i was just doing my work on the seat adjacent to them and that wasn’t true too.

Also, there was this college trip situation once when we were supposed to go to Manali or Delhi someplace, but in the start, we mutually decided that we wouldn’t go to that trip, but just before like the time was gonna be up, he went on the last day and he paid for the trip, and like obviously, it was 1-2 months before the trip, and he still didn’t ask me not even once if I wanted to come along. It was like he didn’t care at all. That really hurt bad and to top it off. I had to do a lot of his work which he lead in college some group thing when he and everyone else were enjoying on that trip.

There are many incidents like this, but somehow with me, it always was like I was asking for things that were too much like simple plans. Simple efforts, fun trips, like Goa or outing like I had to beg for normal things together he always choose anyone else over me, literally anyone, even if they weren’t such a close friend to him, he would still choose them over me, and I just kept forgiving it again, and again I kept thinking, maybe it will get better later etc slowly, this guy took away my friends, little literally all of them gone.

My college life gone my fun days gone and now I am here and I don’t know how to explain what I feel anymore because I don’t think I love him anymore. I think I stopped a long time ago, but I feel stuck because I don’t have anyone else in my life now. No friends no support system. Nothing it feels like if I leave. I’m just going to be completely alone and it’s embarrassing to admit, but that thought is a bit terrifying that if I leave him now, I literally have no one left and I hate admitting this, but I feel this relationship is taking everything from me, my college life, my friendship, my sense of freedom, my ability to just enjoy being young and everything just slowly disappeared.

I didn’t even realise it was happening until it was gone and right now I just feel exhausted, lonely, trapped,caged between knowing I need to leave and being scared of what my life will look like if I actually do. I don’t even recognise my own life anymore. I don’t know what to do next looking back. I don’t know how can someone make you feel that you are the most amazing person ever to making them feel like the most unwanted thing ever.