r/survinginfidelity

I’m a 40-year-old guy dealing with infidelity in a long-term relationship. We have kids together and, despite what happened, the truth is I don’t want my family to break up. If there were a realistic way to repair this, that’s what I would choose.
The cheating hurt, but I’m struggling almost as much with what has happened since. I expected remorse, reassurance, affection, openness and a real effort to rebuild trust. Instead, I’ve experienced a lot of coldness and emotional distance. Sometimes it feels like I’m fighting harder to save the relationship even though I’m the one who was cheated on.
That’s what has me questioning everything. Am I fighting for my family because there’s something worth saving, or am I holding on because I’m terrified of losing the life we’ve built?
The hardest part of separation for me isn’t money or starting over at 40. It’s my kids. The thought of not seeing them every day — the normal breakfasts, evenings, bedtimes and weekends — is brutal. The life I actually want is the one I already have, just without what has happened between us.
I’d really like to hear from men who’ve actually been here:
If you tried to reconcile, what did genuine remorse and effort from your partner look like?
Did anyone experience coldness/lack of affection afterward and still successfully rebuild?
If you eventually left, how did you know it was time? Do you wish you’d tried longer?
If you stayed, are you genuinely glad you did years later?
How did you deal with not seeing your kids every day?
We’re currently relatively amicable and, if we do separate, there are a house, savings/investments and a business to sort out. I’ll get proper legal advice for that. I’m much more interested in the perspective of men who’ve actually lived through the emotional side of this.
If you could go back and talk to yourself when you still wanted your family to stay together but weren’t sure your partner was fighting for it too, what would you tell yourself?