i am okay im just PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to do my hobbies but hypermobility kinda prevents me from doing stuff when i accidentally dislocate my shit lol. at least im passoid. :)
My therapist asked me what gender means to me.
I opened my mouth.
What came out was: "It's over for gendercels."
She wrote something down. I asked what she wrote. She said she would tell me next week. I said "ok."
I tried again. I tried to say the real thing. The real thing is not a sentence. The real thing is a shape somewhere between my chest and my throat, and it does not have a language. I have four languages. None of them has that shape.
I said, "I think I'm non-binary."
It came out in the voice I use when I am telling a joke. I heard it. She heard it. Neither of us said anything about it.
I tried a third time. I said, "I don't know how to talk about this without it becoming a bit."
She said, "So don't make it a bit."
I laughed. The laugh was a bit. The laugh about the bit was also a bit. I am a bit. I have been a bit since I was thirteen.
She asked me to describe the feeling in my body. I said, "chest." She said, "where in the chest." I said, "I don't know. I don't have a word." She said, "you don't have to have a word."
I sat there for a while. I did not have a word. I did not have a bit.
It was quiet. It was the quietest I have been in ten years.
Then I said, "cope."
I don't know why. It just came out.
She wrote something down.