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DES MOINES, IA — Representative Holden Bloodfeast, the centenarian dean of the Iowa congressional delegation, stood before a crowd of cheering supporters at the state capitol on Thursday to announce his candidacy for the 2028 Republican presidential nomination. At 104 years old, Bloodfeast would be the oldest person to ever seek the office. The announcement, delivered with a gravelly but remarkably steady voice, signaled Bloodfeast’s intent to run as the ultimate legacy candidate, positioning himself as the truest heir to the MAGA movement.

A Platform of Absolute Constants

While younger candidates often pivot on policy, Bloodfeast’s platform remains rooted in what he calls the bedrock of American greatness. His speech centered on three primary pillars: unwavering support for Israel, deep tax cuts for high-earning Americans, and a spiritual-political commitment to the doctrine of Donald Trump.

"We don’t need new ideas, we need the right ideas, executed with a fist of iron," Bloodfeast shouted over the roar of a Bloodfeast 2028 chant. "I’ve seen enough to know that when the wealthy have more money, the wheels of industry turn faster. We’re going to cut taxes for the job creators until this economy screams with joy."

The Trump Connection

Bloodfeast, who has represented Iowa for over four decades, has been one of Donald Trump’s most vocal defenders on Capitol Hill. During his announcement, he made it clear that a Bloodfeast administration would be an extension of the Trump era. "Donald Trump broke the mold, and I’m here to make sure nobody tries to glue it back together," Bloodfeast said. "I stood by him in 2016, 2020, and 2024. In 2028, I will carry that torch into the next decade."

Foreign Policy and the Iron Will

On the international stage, Bloodfeast took a hardline stance, particularly regarding the Middle East. He pledged limitless military and diplomatic backing for Israel, dismissing calls for de-escalation as "the talk of the weak-kneed."

"Israel is our fortress in the desert," he stated. "Under President Bloodfeast, there will be no daylight between Washington and Jerusalem. None."

Age: A Number or a Liability?

Critics have already begun to question the feasibility of a 104-year-old Commander-in-Chief. If elected, Bloodfeast would be 106 at the time of his inauguration. However, his campaign team, composed largely of firebrand GOP consultants, dismissed concerns about his stamina.

"Holden Bloodfeast eats steak for breakfast and out-works staffers a quarter of his age," said campaign spokesperson Miller Vance. "He doesn’t just have a political memory; he has a historical one. He’s not just running for the future. He’s running to protect the past."

As the 2028 primary field begins to take shape, Bloodfeast starts with a significant advantage in his home state of Iowa. Whether his "Century of Strength" message can resonate with a national electorate remains to be seen, but for one afternoon in Des Moines, the oldest man in the room was also the loudest.

Washington, D.C. — President Donald Trump launched a blistering attack on Democratic presidential candidate Jacob Anders on Sunday after photographs emerged showing his daughter Ivanka Trump having a private dinner with the comedian-turned-politician. The images, first obtained by Page Six, show Ivanka and Anders seated together at Fiola Mare in Georgetown this weekend. The pair were seen engaged in what appeared to be an extended conversation over dinner and wine.

Trump, posting repeatedly on Truth Social, unloaded on Anders while dismissing any notion that Ivanka willingly met with the Democrat.

“Jacob Anders is a total lightweight and a radical left disaster! This guy is desperate, so desperate he’s now trying to use my beautiful daughter Ivanka to get attention because nobody cares about his failing campaign,” Trump wrote. “She would never meet with this fraud on purpose. The fake news media is trying to create a story. Anders is a sleazebag who hates America and everything we stand for. Sad!”

Trump continued in follow-up posts:

“These Democrats will do anything. They set up a dinner, take pictures, and leak them like the lowlifes they are. Ivanka is loyal, 100%. Anders is a zero. He couldn’t win a race for dog catcher. We’re going to crush these people in 2028!”

Sources close to the president say Trump is in full denial about the nature of the meeting, insisting his daughter was either ambushed, manipulated, or that the photos were doctored or taken out of context.

“If Ivanka is willing to even sit down with Anders, it signals that parts of the Trump orbit see him as a serious player worth engaging.” said one GOP strategist. “He’s not mad at Ivanka at all. He’s convinced this is all a dirty trick by Anders and the fake news media,” they continued. “In his mind, Ivanka would never sit down with a Democrat running for president unless she was trying to size up the enemy or got played. He’s directing all his fire at Anders.”

Jacob Anders, 34, a former tech executive and stand-up comedian, formally launched his 2028 presidential bid last month. He has positioned himself as a New Deal Democrat with an emphasis on AI regulation, governance, economic opportunity, and national security.

Anders’ campaign responded with a short statement: “Mr. Anders had a productive and private dinner with Ivanka Trump. They discussed the future of the country. He wishes Donald Trump well, but if Ivanka wants to vote Democrat that's her business. Not Donald's.”

The photos have sent shockwaves through Republican circles, particularly among Trump’s core base. While some loyalists echoed Trump’s claim that Ivanka was set up, others expressed private concern about the optics so early in the 2028 cycle. Ivanka Trump has not issued any public statement. A person close to her described the dinner as “a low-key, personal conversation” and declined to elaborate further.

Political observers note that Trump’s fierce defense of Ivanka while savagely attacking Anders fits his longstanding pattern of protecting his family members while directing maximum aggression toward political opponents.

As of Monday morning, the story remains front-page news across conservative and mainstream outlets, with Trump allies demanding investigations into how the photos were leaked and whether Anders’ campaign orchestrated the release.

This is a developing story.

BRUSSELS — Thousands of visibly exhausted Europeans took to the streets Wednesday carrying bright red-and-white “No 67” prohibition signs, demanding an immediate EU-wide ban on the viral “Six Seven” meme that they claim has reduced an entire generation to complete idiots.

The protest, organized under the banner “67 Is Not A Personality,” featured middle-aged demonstrators in puffy jackets and baseball caps marching in grim solidarity. Many held the now-iconic circular signs featuring a slashed red circle over the number 67, a visual so potent that several protesters reportedly were chanting “Nein sechs-sieben!”

“I have not heard my son speak a normal sentence in four months,” said Marie Dubois, 47, clutching a sign while wearing a red jacket that matched her bloodshot eyes. “He just walks around the house muttering ‘six seven… six seven, gyatt’ and then laughs like a hyena. I asked him to take out the trash and he said ‘six seven sigma’ and went back to his tablet. This is worse than the Fortnite video game.” Eyewitnesses described scenes of pure chaos as protesters waved signs.

Social media analysts trace the meme’s origins to a single TikTok posted in late 2025 in which a child pointed at a speed limit sign, said “six seven,” then dabbed hard. Within weeks it had evolved into a full-blown brainrot phenomenon: children (and disturbingly, some 20-year-olds) responding to every question with “six seven,” replacing random words with “six seven,” and creating elaborate lore about “The Six Seven Entity” that lives in Ohio and "mogs your dad".

EU officials were quick to respond with their usual blend of concern and bureaucratic paralysis. “We are monitoring the situation very seriously,” said Digital Affairs Commissioner Lars von Berger. “A special task force has been assembled. We expect preliminary findings in 2029.”

Meanwhile, protest organizer Klaus Müller told reporters, “This is not just a meme. This is cultural suicide. My daughter asked me if I had ‘six seven aura’ at breakfast. I am 52 years old. I have a mortgage. I should not have to defend my aura before coffee.”

At press time, sources confirmed that several protesters had begun quietly whispering “six seven” to each other between chants, suggesting the brainrot may already be terminal. One man in a red cap was overheard asking his friend, “You think if we ban 67 they’ll just move on to 68? …Six seven.”

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PALM BEACH, Fla. — Speaking to a crowd of donors at a fundraising dinner at his Mar-a-Lago resort, President Donald Trump launched into an extended riff on international relations that quickly became a medley of his top foreign policy loves. President Trump praised Israel as “the best nation in the world, believe me, nobody does war like Israel” on Monday, while promising unwavering U.S. support so ironclad it “makes other alliances look like total disasters, total losers.”

“Israel? Tremendous. Incredible people. Smart. Strong. They make the desert bloom, folks. Other places? They make parking lots. Sad!” Trump said, gesturing broadly with both hands. “I told Bibi, ‘Bibi, you’re doing a fantastic job. The best job.’ And he knows it. Everybody knows it.”

The president then pivoted to what he called America’s “unwavering” commitment to the Jewish state, adding a characteristic Trumpian flourish: “Our support is so unwavering it’s like a beautiful, perfect wall like the one I built. Tall, a very tall wall. The best wall. And nobody’s climbing it, okay? Not gonna happen.”

Attendees described the moment as vintage Trump: equal parts sincere geopolitical signaling and freewheeling talk. At one point, Trump appeared to briefly forget he was talking about Israel and began comparing its military technology favorably to “that electric truck that can’t go through water, total disaster.” He quickly course-corrected: “But Israel? Their stuff goes through water, through sand, through whatever. Tremendous vehicles I'm hearing. They have those tech companies, boom, innovation like you’ve never seen. Meanwhile, California is falling apart, literal garbage on the streets. Israel? Spotless. They know how to run a country.”

The remarks come amid ongoing tensions in the Middle East, though Trump insisted the region would be “so calm, so beautiful” if he were back in the White House. “I had it solved. Done. Then they tried to take me out with those ridiculous witch hunts, and boom chaos. Now I’m fixing it again, bigger and better than ever. I don’t flip-flop like Sleepy Joe. One day he’s for Israel, the next day he’s sending them a mean letter. Pathetic. If I’m back in the Oval, and I will be, we’re going to have the strongest support ever. Ironclad. Maybe even diamond-clad. The best support.”

When asked by a reporter whether his praise for Israel might alienate certain segments of his base, Trump dismissed the concern with a wave of his hand. “My base loves Israel. They love it more than I do, and I love it a lot. Some people say too much, but those people are usually losers or terrible negotiators. Bad people frankly.”

White House officials declined to comment directly but noted that former President Biden has also expressed strong support for Israel, albeit “in a smaller sort of way.”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reportedly called Trump after the speech to thank him. According to sources familiar with the conversation, Trump answered the phone by saying, “Bibi! The greatest. We’re going to make the Middle East great again, MEGA, they're calling it. You’re gonna love it.”

Trump continued without missing a beat: “Look, we give them the best stuff. The absolute best. Fighter jets? The greatest. Missile defense? Nobody has anything like it. Other countries call me up crying, ‘Sir, how come Israel gets the good ones?’ And I tell them, ‘Because they’re winners. You? Not so much. I just don't see it.’”

Trump went on: “The Abraham Accords? My accords. Beautiful accords. The best peace deals ever negotiated. Other presidents tried for seventy years and got nothing but bills. I did it in a few months. Now the whole Middle East wants in. They call me. ‘Donald, please, let us in on the deal.’ And I say, ‘We’ll see. Gotta be good for Israel.’ Because Israel comes first. Smart. Very smart.”

He wrapped up the foreign policy portion with a flourish: “We’re going to make Israel greater than ever. Greater than it’s ever been. And America will be right there with them, shoulder to shoulder, frankly the biggest shoulders. Nobody has better shoulders than us. When we stand with Israel, the bad guys run away. They run like you’ve never seen. Fast.”

Trump concluded his remarks Monday by promising that he would personally design a new U.S. embassy in Jerusalem “so beautiful, it’ll make the old one look like a trailer.”

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