Objective opinion needed by the court of public opinion
Good morning to all those on the court of public opinion. I typically don’t put my business out on the Internet. Hence, the reason for this throwaway account
However, my partner and I are at odds regarding his 12-year-old autistic daughter. I am looking for objective feedback that typically when you talk to friends or family they want to take your side. I am not looking to be in my own echo chamber, but to see if I’m actually in the wrong. This is a long one, so I appreciate in advance the time that you’ve taken to read this. To give a little context and backstory I am a 54-year-old female. I have one biological child and he is in his 20s and currently away at college . I have been with my partner, male 57 years old, for eight years and he has four biological children. Two adult girls with grandchildren, one adult son with a grandchild and then 12-year-old daughter who’s autistic. I have a great relationship with his middle two kids and their families (daughter and a son). The 12-year-old autistic daughter I am not as close with and have helped and caretaking however, we have struggled to make a connection. And it doesn’t help that we unfortunately have struggles with her mother, and they’re constantly back-and-forth in court. Unfortunately, the mother is not cooperative and is difficult to get along with, even though we’ve made every effort with her. And this is coming from us who we have exes over for the holidays to be with the kids. There’s much more ins and outs to this backstory however, I feel that this gives you a good summary.
The youngest autistic level is she verbal to a point, however, her behavior has been regressing over the years and she needs 24 hour care, at this point, she would never be able to be independent. We wonder if her mom is part of the cause and doesn’t do anything to help facilitate her growth. We say this because of things that have happened in the past where the mom just lets her do whatever she wants. So she has meltdowns when not getting her way. Sometimes they are bad and sometimes they are brief. In addition to the mom is very secretive about her home life and the courts have allowed it.
Now comes the part where I need objectivity of the court of public opinion. My partner is going back to court yet again to try and get her mother to cooperate and coparent. They have joint custody and the attorney that my partner has, has taken him down several rabbit holes that have not helped and if anything he has less parental rights now than he did when we first met eight years ago. This last one they have been working on for quite a while to take her before the court, for evidently hearing to show evidence that she has been dishonest and disobeying court orders. Now halfway through, we’re getting ready to go to court in a few weeks, and the attorney has now flipped the script and said that my partner should hold her in contempt of court and fight for custody. So my husband came to me and told me that him and his Attorney had talked and that they were going to not pursue the evidence hearing, but go to the contempt of court to get custody and what did I think. In the eight years that we have been together, I have stood by his side without question going through all the ups and downs, and the struggles that her mother has brought us and have stepped up to everything that has been needed to facilitate this relationship. I have struggled with my relationship with his youngest daughter because of the fact that we don’t see her very often. And when I do, she’s usually spending time doing stuff with her dad because he sees her so little. Which I encourage. However, that leaves very little room for me. Which I’ve come to terms with and OK with his relationship with her is more important.
So when he asked me about how I felt about getting custody of her, one of the questions that I had was, what does this look like? We are heading into retirement and what would that plan look like.
I have been a caregiver for somebody who has been disabled for most of my life so I know going into these things knowing to be successful you need a plan. My husband is furious with me because instead of me just saying, “we’ll figure it out” I was asking questions and he’s assuming that I don’t want her. I know as a caregiver before that these things need to be addressed because caregiving for somebody 24 seven is very difficult. Not to mention the fact that my husband doesn’t take care of his own health very well so taking care of somebody else’s needs I’m concerned about what that would look like. He’s a good dad and he loves his kids very much. However, he’s very protective of the 12 year-old and it seems as if there is no room for discussion. And if we can’t have discussions before she comes and lives with us, what would it be like when we’re in the thick of it. Right now in his eyes, I am a horrible person for asking these questions and not just stating we’ll figure it out.
Am I wrong in that, should I have only said we’ll figure it out?
Am I wrong in trying to ask those questions to have a plan going forward?
Am I wrong in wanting to discuss it? I felt that it was a big responsibility in wanting to make sure that we are up for the task. We’re not getting any younger and these are the things we have to think about as much as it seems that he doesn’t want to.
If you have read this far, I appreciate your time and any constructive feedback.