Enmeshment or codependency?
My husband and I dated long distance before marrying. We were long time friends who reconnected and started an intimate relationship while living in different states. We visited each other and spent time with each other’s family, but I did not realize what I was getting myself into. He told me he was close with his family, and I thought that was fine. His family is really small, as he’s the only child, of an only child with only an aunt who has a couple kids of her own. His mom got married when he was around 18 years old, after being single since he was around 7 years old.
When I visited while we dated, his mom, stepdad and grandma were very nice and kind, and I never thought anything weird. I actually admired how him and his mom would hug tightly and tell each other they loved each other when he was leaving the house and stuff. His family lived with him, due to migration and had not yet gotten settled. In hindsight, I should’ve questioned more why he called her so often or why they always seemed to be doing something together.
He calls his mother (or she is calling him) no less than 10 times per day with visit during the week or on the weekend, just to “check up on her”. When we got married I overheard a conversation where she was scolding him for not calling her enough, after he had a rather long day at work. She said “if you have 10 minutes free for the day, 7 minutes is for your wife and the next 3 is for me”. I was taken aback by this and when she heard my voice in the background, she said she was joking.
I tried in the beginning to be kind to her, and foster a genuine relationship as I wanted her to know she didn’t lose a son, but rather gained a daughter, but it all started to wear on me. Then one day her husband of 11 years (been together 14 in total) said “I thought after he got married I would get my wife back. We fought often about it in the past, because he keeps taking my wife from me, but what can I do, she was his mother first”. That moment both validated my own feelings and terrified me. That suggested I am going to suffer in this threesome (well, foursome really) for as long as I’m married to him. She has expressed sadness for her own marriage but will not get divorced.
He used to take her to all her grocery shopping, errands, they have their own inside jokes, they have mother/son weekend dates once a month and she tells him how hot and sexy he is and carries on like I should be… just admiring how attractive he is all the time. She used to tell me about all the women who like him in the past and how women would stare at him when they went out in public. She finally stopped when she started talking about how handsome someone though he was and it didn’t make sense in the conversation we were having and he called her out on it telling her that was an unnecessary interjection. Then their hugs to me started grossing me out, because she would hug him, moan all lovingly and stare at me. Almost like she won.
I feel like she competed with me too. I always did my nails, she started going to the same salon I go to. She wants to know my hair care regimen and products. She mentions a lot how sexy she used to be and she is going to lose the weight (I’m more fit and shapely) I did a certificate course, she did the same course. I said I’m going to transition to a career in the medical field, she just completed a CNA course because she is ready to try something different after her whole career in another field.
There is so much more, but now I’m worried I’ll have to leave because he gets extremely defensive when I bring up things that bother me and last time I expressed my feelings, he said I sounded insecure and jealous. Which I knew he would say because he said the same thing about his stepfather. I have no idea what this rant was to achieve. I guess I just needed it off my chest.