Complicated Custody & Child Support Stuff
Not sure where to begin. I’ve been feeling depressed about my situation and not sure how to fix it. I am a sober alcoholic for starters. I’m also a 35 year old female. I have been sober for almost 2 years in August (no fronts I know). So the situation is, I got divorced officially Jan 2024 when the papers were signed, but separated in 2023. This is some ancillary information and get some popcorn because this might be a long post, hopefully you stay interested because I really need some real feedback/guidance.
I was legally married to the father of my children for 7 years, but in total we were together for 12 total. I thought I loved him, but as it turned out, I was clinging to someone when I was 20 who I thought would protect and shelter me. I’ve been in and out of my mom’s house since I was 17, and started drinking at age 12 off and on until I was a full blown alcoholic at 16/17.
So more ancillary info, my mom and I have a weird estranged relationship and not a stable support system to present day, but I appreciate the support she has tried to provide the best way she’s known how. So at any rate, I went from an abusive relationship with my mom to an abusive relationship with my ex-husband for 12 years.
We conceived 2 beautiful children together, but in the divorce, he was able to do some very hurtful things that have greatly benefited him today. I was not sober when we divorced. Prior to the divorce I had attempted suicide once and put myself in a mental hospital after that of having thoughts of committing suicide and I thought I was just losing it. This downward spiral happened after the stillbirth of what would have been our third child. My ex-husband has always been abusive but nothing I can prove in court.
Over those 12 years, I was no angel, however I feel like there has been reactive abuse on my end. He has exhibited a lot of psychological aggression, publicly humiliating me, manipulating situations to make me look bad to his family so they would disapprove of me and it incited a lot of family drama. Again, I’m not perfect, I have flaws. Verbal abuse where he would berate me for days that I didn’t load the dishwasher correctly. Coercive abuse where I wasn’t allowed to have friends and he manipulated situations to force me to believe ( a lot of brainwashing) that people weren’t my friends and everyone was out to get me, in an effort to be home with him. I wasn’t allowed to get my hair done, get my nails done, and he hated whenever I wore makeup. He told me once he didn’t really want the children. There was some physical abuse with corporal punishment on our special needs son, and I would intervene and I would get pushed. I was choked, and he would yell and use psychological aggression on the kids to get them to listen. I didn’t agree with it and things would get physical between us.
Whenever I claimed I was going to call the police (I should never have announced it) he would take my phone and not allow me to have it back until I promised not to call the police.
Long story short, he was able to prove through my hospitalizations in the divorce that I wasn’t mentally stable to keep the children. I told him I was going to my mom’s for a few days to clear my head. I wasn’t 100% sure of my intentions to file for divorce at the time, because we had young children and my daughter was only 1 1/2. After giving it some thought, my plan was to file for protective custody whilst at my mom’s and go pick the kids up from school. When my ex filed, he filed for protective custody first claiming I was going to flee the country with the kids.
I had managed to pick one up from school. To make this part of the story short, we encountered each other in traffic, he got one child from school and I had gotten the other. He called the police on me and demanded them that I give our son to him (he had managed to get our daughter). The police called me and told me it was a civil matter but they said his behavior was bizarre (I can’t get a copy of this report because it happened in 2023 and I don’t remember who the officer was). The police said my ex was combative and claimed to be tracking me and they urged me it was best to take my son to my mom’s because that sounded safer.
He has also stalked me post-divorce.
So he filed for an ex-parte restraining order which called for an emergency custody hearing, he told them I was going to flee the country (not true I didn’t have income and I didn’t have anywhere to go but my moms). My mom took forever to find a lawyer she felt was good enough to handle our case (grateful I had legal representation sort of) and I didn’t have legal representation at that initial hearing. The judge agreed that I give my son back to their father and it was ordered during the separation that I pay child support.
An OAG account was never created so I had to pay him out of pocket for a year, and he basically extorted me for it and one time made me pay him $900 instead of the agreed $550. When those arrangements were made I ended up having a job paying $12.00 while living at my moms. Eventually I wasn’t getting on my feet fast enough for her (I lasted at her house for a few months) when I had to move out. So I got a better paying job and got an apartment for me and had a place to bring the kids. I still wasn’t sober yet. He also ended up winning custody of the kids because my attorney told me if I were to bring up the alleged abuse, there’s a chance the judge could take the kids from both of us.
I paid child support until my addiction brought me to losing my job and me wanting to die. Then I was facing eviction so I went back to my mom’s while I was getting sober and going to A.A. She did help me as much as she could get out of the eviction financial bind and I came clean to her about the alcohol addiction. To this day she doesn’t believe that I have a problem with alcohol but that’s a different story. She drinks so long story short guess what I didn’t last long at my mom’s again. At this point I felt like a loser.
I didn’t have anywhere to go and my step dad was starting drama (he’s a con artist and drinks and siphons money from my mom but that’s another story).
I was going to be homeless but my sponsor from A.A. got me into sober living. I wasn’t able to see my children for awhile because of my sober living arrangements, hard to explain. Then I ended up with no car and had to take the bus. I sold my car to pay my sober living rent while I was getting on my feet with a serving job. It was hard trying to keep a roof over my head. I put child support on the back burner. I didn’t have much money for food. I was on food stamps and I was underweight at the time (115 pounds on a 5’6 frame).
I paid when I could, as I could, and tried to talk to my ex about how I’ve gotten into this hole and needed to figure something out of how I could get on my feet so I could be stable for the children, but all the extra money that I really didn’t have was going to him.
Eventually my mom helped me out with having visitation with the kids until a point when she didn’t want me to have them at her house overnight anymore which forced me and my boyfriend (met in program after divorce) to get a place together maybe a little sooner than we wanted to, but alas things are good on that front.
Needless to say, I still don’t have a car. I’ve got back child support reporting on my credit and I can’t seem to get ahead and I can’t seem to get an attorney to help pro bono because I can’t afford one.
My ex petitioned to put me in jail. He filed for a motion to enforce. I couldn’t afford an attorney so the court appointed me one. My ex tried to say during the separation I never paid child support (it’s not reporting on OAG but I sent in bank statements and filled out a form in 2024 stating that I did make payments). My ex wouldn’t fill out his portion to say he received it. So in court it looked like I hadn’t paid on paper during the separation, so this was when I was court ordered to pay in 2023 before an OAG account was created for me to make payments to. My attorney and I were able to prove those payments and explain how I got behind on payments in sobriety. And apparently, anything prior to the divorce from temporary orders doesn’t stand, the final decree does.
My ex is making me pay half of the kids medical. My son has special needs. He has severe autism and is non-verbal. He does 40 hours of ABA therapy a week. I cannot afford my portion of ABA which is $4,000 a quarter after insurance. My ex hasn’t paid ABA since before we separated in 2022. I have proof of this documented in writing from ABA. ABA also told me that if I were the custodial parent, I would qualify for a hardship for my son to continue therapy without having to make payment or making a reduced payment. I don’t have primary custody, so my payments are based off my ex’s income, and he makes $70-$90k net a year. I make net $24,000 after child support is garnished.
I don’t think it’s fair that I have that portion of medical reporting on my credit and I’m ordered to pay it when I can’t afford it, and that I’m making extra payments for the back pay of it to my ex when he hasn’t made a payment to ABA in 4 years.
My son is almost 9 now, and he started ABA when he was 2. For the past 2 years I haven’t seen much growth in his maladaptive behavior (I.e. trying to break my nose over breakfast) or his speech or any consistent form of communication, or much improvement in my son’s joint attention which is why my ex won’t put him in special needs public school yet.
My ex does not co parent well and doesn’t tell me what they’re working on. My son’s therapist tells me the same things I already know with positive reinforcement and re-directing bad behavior.
I’m sure there are more things I’m not thinking of with all of this but this is the gist.
My daughter is going to be 5 in a month and she tells me disturbing things involving corporal punishment with my ex and the kids. Idk what to do I can’t afford an attorney and there’s so much financial abuse like what can I do, really? At this rate I’m going to be indebted to him for a very long time and I can’t get ahead.
I live paycheck to paycheck with my boyfriend. I never finished college. I’m 35 and I just want to make more money to pay the $50k in debt inherited in the divorce and child support. I don’t feel like I’m thriving. I want to be able to have a car and take my children to do things during visitation without being worried if I have enough money to do it. What can I do? Suggestions on increasing income? Suggestions on an attorney to help? I need a damn good job. And attorney. I never want to see/talk/deal with my ex ever and I would want the children full-time. Sigh. Feels hopeless.