I told my friend how I felt.
Hi, Im struggling with rumination and repetitive thoughts. I have feelings for one of my close friends and it just developed, I didn't want it to, but it did. She was someone I spent a lot of time with, we'd get lunch, we'd got for a hike, exercise together, see films and go to gigs, we'd talk a lot and gradually I just developed feelings for her. I didn't want to say anything for a long time. She was seeing someone and then they broke up and she was dealing with a lot of difficult things. I cared about her and I didn't want to add to what she was dealing with. This went on for months. It got to the point though where my feelings were driving me mad, I had a panic attack because I thought she knew how I felt. I knew she was going travelling and I decided that before she went I would tell her, because then she'd be away doing things and then I could just get on with things on my end, it seemed maybe the least worst way to get this off my chest.
I had intended to write her a letter, just saying how I felt and wishing her all the happiness in the world with her travels. One day however, our friendship group was doing something and she brought this guy with her, I knew immediately she was seeing him and it broke me. I had to go outside and burst into tears. I spoke to a friend who saw how I was and they said I had to just tell her.
I did, and she was furious with me. She was so angry and said she wasn't responsible for my feelings, which she obviously thought I was implying. She didn't speak to my for 2 weeks, and even then after that everything had changed. It felt like it was over, our friendship had died and I had killed it. I cried every day for that two weeks. I hadn't just been rejected by someone I had feelings for but I felt that I had hurt my friend and also destroyed our friendship. I miss her a lot an I constantly ruminate on and think about what happened. I needed to say something because it was tearing me apart but at the same time I wish I hadn't because the pain of losing her as my friend feels just as bad. I feel I was damned whatever I did. I didn't think I had done anything wrong by saying how I felt, but maybe I did.
I honestly I just wish I hadn't said anything because the pain I feel from losing her as my friend is worse than anything else. I just feel like I'm stuck a loop, I'm having counselling and talk to some friends, and this happened over 6 months ago and still sticks in my head. I think about it every day, and I feel this constant sadness and loss. It's grief, I know that, and eventually things will get better, but I just wish I could go back and not say anything. I have a mutual friend who keeps doing things with her and I've had to ask her not to tell me what they are doing. I feel like a crazy person because I don't understand why I am so affected by this, but it honestly just hurts more than anything I've ever felt. I guess posting randomly I'm hoping someone will just say you're not mad, you aren't an obsessive freak who needs to be put in a padded cell, because that's how I feel, I feel like there is something wrong with me.