r/wizardcels

Said Dating Apps and left with 0 Matches

Tiktok be looking like: "Woman you make my mouth drop wide open, more beautiful than the sea"

(Most average looking woman on land, no pirate talk seriously you can find like many women who look like this at the library, any office or Starbucks)

Arrr, seein’ Chad’s life compared to ours be brutal. It’s like watchin’ Gaston sailin’ with his sub-5 henchman, Lefou. Gaston may be evil as the Devil’s own sea serpent, yet he still manages to attach himself to three triplet Stacys, while poor Lefou gets nothin’ but barnacles.

Chad’s got a good—or well-financed—family behind him. He gets a girlfriend early, starts workin’ at sixteen, gets promoted with ease, and be married by twenty-three. Meanwhile, our life be the complete opposite. No family support, or worse, an abusive family full of shoutin’, blamin’, and everyone turnin’ their anger on each other. No girlfriend on account of our looks. Quit workin’ at sixteen because people kept takin’ their anger out on us. No college because of bad experiences or parents who want us in debt. Not married by twenty-three, though we still want the knot tied someday. Works as a truck driver and learns to take in the insults as punching bag.

Every Stacy and even every sub-5 lass he dares speak to, ignores him after three messages or sends him straight to Davy Jones by blockin’ him. That’s just the voyage of life, I suppose. Arrr.

Let the single and divorced witches whine, the goblins leer at our gold, and the peasants starve, we did not climb Wiz Street to take relationship advice from people who still fear a glowing orb. We do not bow to mobs, exile, or whatever cursed opinion is trending in the village square. We answer to the mandate above, the ancient law, and the cold hard truth written in the stars. Call us arrogant, call us degenerate, call us high-magic assholes fine. The robes stay on. The wand stays up. Wiz Street does not fucking fold

Arrr, most lasses love when a lad be orbitin’ ’round ’em, servin’ as their emotional pillow, but the moment he says he fancies her, she be all shocked and embarrassed! I reckon if the lad were handsome, she’d be hopin’ he’d make a move. Do women truly think a man and a woman can only ever be friends, arrr?

Then you have "femcels" in the comments saying "Truth, why can't we just be friends?"

Never trust witches.