u/-Ale-ccc

I miss even having the problems related to having an fp, I miss the highs and lows of it. Life without an fp is miserable and boring. I did take a break from finding friendships in online communities because conflict always seemed to find me or I was the one seeking it, doesn't matter, getting rejected or hated on always brought massive despair, some justified, some not so much. I miss the adrenaline and intense emotions I was feeling. I've always had fps or singular persons ive stuck to like a damn pet but now I find myself alone after 5 years of consistenly having different fps.

I've locked myself away mentally to stop indirectly hurting myself and others and I know feel sad and miserable. Being myself with people is miserable and being without em is still miserable.

General post cuz im not losing my mind over this topic (yet), I just feel numb.

It was 1st of may on Friday and labor day for most countries and naturally me and my friend as dumb teens decided to go to the park and mall and get hella drunk while walking around, whilst not actually stumbling and shit, we were giggly drunk. Around 9 when we decided to head back home, my friend got very sick and started vomiting in the mall bathroom, she got a bit better and headed to the outside to get some air, she vomited again and I basically turned full guard dog, fully locked in while drunk to make sure she was okay and deal with anyone who wanted to mess with us. I was so locked in that I FUCKING LOST MY PHONE. We were on our way to the main street to get her home with an uber cuz she asked me to. On our way to the main street I realised I didn't have my phone so we went back to the bench we were 3 minutes ago last place where I used my phone. Wasn't there. I had 2 options stay further to search or leave anyway without it cuz my friend was sick. I left anyway praying to whoever that I might find it in my bag (even though I checked).

Finally got home after getting my friend to her house, and I finally checked everywhere and started checking all the find my phone websites (Google and samsung), phone nowhere to be seen, them websites couldnt reach my phone, ping it, literally anything and it's not like it didn't have signal or was out of battery, safe to say someone already nicked it. Even though I don't think I regret my decision I feel so fucking stupid and guilty, that was my most expensive thing I owned (not that expensive but my family is poor so, it's expensive for me).

Today, Sunday, I said okay that's it, we move on, doesn't matter, I need to study cuz I bombed my mocks exam cuz my fp blocked me around that time. My cat decides that this is the best time to start a fight with me, aka the way he plays, and stupid reckless me decides to blow air on him cuz I know it annoys him and he scratches my face, but not like the usual scratch I get from him usually. This was full on deep split skin on my lip. Literally horrifying. My mom even suggested to go to the hospital to sew my lip back together, that bad. All this but I can't help thinking I subconsciously provoked my cat so he would hurt me bad cuz I felt all this guilt in me, even if it meant getting a permanent scar on my face.

Lost my fp, failing my mocks of arguably the most important exam of my life, losing my phone and getting a permanent scar on my face. All this plus the usual bpd struggles are actually killing me, I literally don't care what happens to me anymore. The only thing that brings me joy anymore is watching one piece for hours in my bed. Sorry I'm rambling I just needed to get this out.