have any of u guys seen obsession. genuinely the most triggering movie i have ever seen i finished watching it and have been sat just in a haze for 15 minutes and i don’t know if its just me or if anyone else can relate 😭
I really enjoy it. I don’t want another fucking addiction. Started as a way to cope with unrequited obsession for my new FP and I now want to do it everyday. I don’t think there are fellowships for self harm are there? Can’t afford therapy.
i split on the person i was dating and told them we couldnt even be friends unless they apologized for treating me bad, but i didn't mean any of it and didn't know i had bpd until after i calmed down and researched why this happened to me.. I've been trying to apologize and make things right but they won't even reply... they had said things before like that they wanted to be together forever and stuff, how can they not even want to try to talk it out? I've never been mean to them until this moment and we dated for almost 6 months...
it makes me feel like they never really loved me or were serious in the first place...
if this happened over and over again it would be understandable...
it's been 2 weeks .... :(
I go out of my way to be abused. To be talked down to. To be degraded. I seek out negative attention, especially sexual. I come from a place of severe sexual trauma, and I often feel like the only way to feel good… is to continue the trauma. I feel broken inside. I know the BPD causes most of this. Can anyone relate?
I want to understand a bit more, I know my reactions are extreme much calmer now after years of smoking weed obviously, but I could name you many things people have done to cause me to massively react then I’m called out for my behaviour and I have to apologise, I will put my hand up when I am wrong, but I believe people don’t react for nothing and neither do animals there has to be something to cause it other than I just snapped, I’ve taken the blame for this for years and I’m done taking the blame these people have actively been baiting me and I know they have.
Do animals bite for nothing?
I’ve just ended 3 close female relationships for baiting me for a reaction these people have been friends with me for years they know better,
The symptoms of bpd are the same symptoms of emotional abuse brought on my somebody else, DARVO
I will poke you first then
Deny- I am just trying to help you
Attack- your bpd is so bad you are psychotic and unwell.
Reverse victim and defender
When the person started this all along.
Ever seen someone put a really really innocent face on and say “I don’t know what I’ve done” truth is they know we are all adults don’t fall for this shit.
Has anyone felt suicidal for years and that there was no future or life ahead of them and just surviving the day and wanting the pain to end, but obligated to keep going for family/others whatever? And also had so many nights you felt you'd die of heart failure due tto tthe pain anyway and weren't even scared, butt you're still here.. i know i'm beyond help and there is no cure for living in this agony. I've been told this is just life and life problems and to change my life, which is impossible when there is truly so much out of our control, I've tried time and time and time again and done everything right, but it seems everything is against me and I'm cursed. It's been over a decade and I've been told this isn't even mental health, just something I need to solve myself.
Like, no one feels things the way I do, like I feel like no one hates or loves as intensely as I do it’s like they are empty but when I’m empty I’m somehow emptier than they are, it’s idk where I’m going with this but does being around others make you feel emptier than usual bc you feel like the people around you just don’t feel enough it’s like they are never all that fair way form their baseline while I’m always like 10 million miles away from mine, it somehow they have full lives and I don’t fuck, I get so angry at their passivity sometimes
these words echo like nothing else. I can never say I was abused or went through trauma. My own single parent doesn’t think so, must I be crazy? please someone help me. Is every child in survival mode then continues it into adulthood? why does this have to be normal
What’s the longest you hit an episode of numbness and disassociation where you felt nothing and ruined your life during the process before you finally snapped out of it??
My PWBPD walked away from 6 year relationship and straight into hooking up with a coworker within days bc of numbness and tired of fighting the intrusive thoughts and feelings. She lies daily about what she’s doing and talks about hating herself.
It’s been two weeks now. I’ve never experienced her this way. It’s by far the worst episode I’ve ever seen.
it’s been so long since i was attached to someone. my first true fp in years. i left him because i was too obsessed and i knew that in the future he’d be annoyed at me. i’d always check his following, his activity, just everything. he follows a lot of girls. if he were in a room with them and me, he’d want to hang out with them more and that thought makes me cry. couldn't take it anymore. i felt like such a loser every time we talked and i could never tell him my feelings because he’d be disgusted. i’m so sad and pathetic. i feel free but at the same time i feel so empty because i left him
i’ve been seeing this guy, not exclusively and we are not planning on dating. i have never shown a lick of jealousy, or been controlling. we talk everyday, i got him a birthday present, i bake him things. he told me he was getting dinner with his friends in my city. then i saw a new report there was a shooting, i knew he was probably on his way there, so i called him and told him idk if he should go there was a shooting. he immediately said “ru trying to stop me from seeing my friends?” ?????? i immediately got mad probably didn’t react ideally, but i felt fucking stupid. explained that i was just concerned. he apologized and i hung up. texted him
“it’s just that, that’s what u immediately assume is so hurtful. have i ever been controlling or tried to keep u from seeing ur friends?”
he said no, bcuz i haven’t. im just so tired of this, every relationship i create i put in so much effort to make them feel cared abt, bcuz it makes me feel good genuinely. but it is never reciprocated. never ever ever. i understand that not everyone communicates affection the same way, and that we aren’t exclusive nor have we agreed to anything. so i guess i should just stop. but GOD i would do fucking anything for someone to care abt me the way i care abt them. and i don’t do it, to receive it back i do it bcuz it makes me feel good. but when i get burned for it like just now it’s excruciating.
i feel like i should create some distance between me and him. i already hide my feelings or issues bcuz im the past he made me feel guilty for confiding in him, saying all i do is trauma dump.
yea i have issues, complex issues, and it probably does feel like too much. i guess im just too much. i dont think there is anyone out there who cares abt me enough to be there for me truly. bcuz nobody rlly ever has. i do so so so much to be there for the ppl i care abt, and time and time again when i need it back they come up short. i guess im just not worth it. at least thats how it feels.
this has been my experience since forever i rlly cant think of an example of someone being there for me. i’ve been kicked out of my house, had issues with my parents, been cheated on. and it seems a tho every time when i reach out for support nobody has any to give.
I've been having a pretty bad time dealing and managing my BPD for a bit, but I've been okay enough this week. Well, I kind of felt in the edge of a split all day, but I still decided to make a post in a subreddit genuinely asking for advice about an issue some family members are facing... But I kept getting down voted and people replying to me as if I'm the issue or an idiot for even suggesting such things. Or at least that's what it felt like. To most it's probably nothing, but to me, it just feels like another rock slide to land on the Boulder of things I'm already shouldering. I know that in a couple days, heck probably a few hours I'll be over it... But right now I'm at the point of tears, feeling so stupid, wanting to die, and just feeling like everything bad ever said about me or that I've thought is correct and I am a dumb useless idiot who doesn't even know when to leave things be. I know I'll be alright soon, I just feel stupid for even making the post. Or maybe I'm just stupid for thinking internet strangers would care or be kind when commenting? idk, I'm trying so hard to keep everything together and keep pushing forward, but all this tiny things feel like getting hit by a truck over and over, and it's so hard to keep moving forward.
Edit: I'm not seeking advice, just venting
it feels so fucking unfair knowing you’re so sensitive a single glance or mean comment or someone laughing at u can ruin ur entire day, and it doesnt matter if its the most important day of your life of not. it seems to happen so often that you just wanna isolate safe inside your house so no one can ever judge you anymore, no one can tell u anything or do anything to you. i just wanna be safe forever. i hate this judgemental society with all my heart.
i just hate everyone the second i step outside of my house and instantly wanna text my favorite people on my phone where im safe and not judged
i haven't been doing the best lately, i've been dissociating a lot (this is due dp/dr, not just bpd). all i've been eating lately is gnocchis and bread with some spreading cheese and pickles. and even those foods, who used to bring me comfort, don't bring me any kind of comfort anymore and i'm getting sick of them.
this has gotten me to not eat for hours or go to bed hungry because i don't know what to eat and absolutely nothing sounds or looks good to me, even the food my parents cook. i would order fast food but delivery is expensive... what do you guys eat when nothing, even foods that used to be your favorites, seems appetising? i know i should eat something, even if i don't really like it just to function but it seems impossible for me to do so and it has always been this way.
i need to eat something that i like or want but i can never tell what it is. it's very tiring and i'm tired of having to feed myself and think about what to eat and never knowing. it's exhausting. even my parents don't understand and this had led to us arguing because they find me difficult when i complain about being hungry but not wanting to eat what we have at home.
edit: my stepdad convinced me to order mcdonalds and said it'd be good for me to try and make a write down ideas for meals when i don't know what to eat.
Why now? We’ve known each other for 5 years. We’ve been through ups and downs and we’ve always been there for each other. I don’t understand why he suddenly stopped talking to me except “shut up” and “no”. That’s it. No other words from him. Our last proper conversation wasn’t even a fight or anything. I don’t get it. I’ve begged him to tell me what happened but the only reply i get back is “shut up. Why? Just why? I don’t understand any of it. Why is this happening? We’ve never even had a fight before. I always do whatever he says but i don’t understand why he won’t talk to me now.
i don’t even know if i should be posting this i just don’t know what to do anymore.
i have been going through a breakup and i have been looking back at everything and i feel like i has being really fucked up in a way that can’t be reversed. my therapist says i might have been emotionally abused on my relationship but im thinking maybe i was the one doing that and its not just ocd but im really the bad person.
i keep listening to songs and watching tv and all the bad characters are doing things i did. i keep googling things abusive people do and im getting conflicting answers. i just dont think i deserve to live i want to die everyday cause i cant live with the fact that im hurting someone i loved. i’m not looking for pity i just genuinely am thinking about doing “it”
i called my partner selfish and said she only cared about herself all because i didn’t get what i wanted. i feel like i was making her repress her feelings around me. it was never like this until we broke up. when we broke up it was because she was being mean to me and never wanted to make plans with me and would cancel all the time. we weren’t having sex anymore and i felt she was being emotionally distant with me. she was going on trip for 2 months and never bothered to hang out with me and was still being mean. she’s apologized but i keep bringing it up because when we were just being friends she kept saying she loved and missed me and before she left for her trip she wanted to cuddle every night and it made me confused.
i ended up wanting to try again with her. she said she wanted to too. then she switched things one day and didn’t want to. i had a sort of breakdown. i told she didnt owe me anything but the last message i sent her was terrible and i don’t know how to live with myself. it wasn’t fair to call her selfish during the relationship for wanting other things or to not be with me. it’s not fair. i don’t know if i deserve to be better or to have friends and other people in my life. i can’t enjoy anything cause im constantly comparing myself to these terrible people are reading accounts of people who have been abused and just thinking i deserve death. i didn’t mean to make her feel guilty for things but that doesn’t matter. we don’t talk anymore and i told her not to text me. i told her she stopped caring about me but maybe i was isolating her. i don’t want to have done that. i was just so hurt confused and angry. i have been abandoned in the past but it doesn’t excuse myself. i don’t deserve anyone to be nice to me i just again am getting confused and feeling conflicted on for i treated her. i just want to die.
i know not everything is her fault that the relationship ended and i told her that but in the heat of the moment i lost control and i don’t think i can forgive anything or deserve to be happy. during the relationship i felt so neglected that i was looking for attention from other people. i never engaged in anything but even thinking about it seems like an emotional affair to me. i feel like i hid things and lied and not blaming her for things is just plain wrong. i can’t live with myself. wanting her back in my life is not fair to her. we broke up twice and i did it both times cause i felt unloved. wanting to get back together is probably just me playing mind games with her. she didn’t deserve it. maybe we were just clinging on to each other but i really felt she stopped being able to be there emotionally.
i have no one to talk to. i quit my job for her and left school so we could move to her parents while she went on her trip and i just felt so empty. i did all of that just so she could go on her trip. i had no money or a life anymore. when she gets an idea in her head she wants to make it happen. i admire that in her but i felt like she wasn’t considering me. even while she was working and doing school i felt like i was the only one contributing and she still would get mad at me and say she’d start helping more but never did. i just can’t believe myself. i feel like i deserve some sort of repercussion.
Can we make a group or something to make new friends? Have been feelin very lonely these days and thought about makin new friends with people who knows the struggle you know.
So is anyone +20 interested in a friendgroup? Or interested in just making friends with meee?🥹
Is having a good healthy relationship with someone with bpd actually possible? I have 2 kids with this women, and im trying all sorts with her, but I currently feel like me and my children are toys? Like it’s a game to be had? The projection is a problem. telling me she wants me and wants this family, then telling me she hates me, I feel so confused. I took my kids fulltime 3 months ago because of her abuse and drinking problems. Only recently tried to get things back on track together, and i feel like it’s a constant uphill battle? Like im the only one trying?
(I come here to vent im sorry, i just want some advice on wether it’s even worth chasing anymore)
28F. i need a partner who shows up emotionally, yearns to understand me and be there for me. hell, give me reassurance here and there and i’m game. i don’t think that’s outsized, but everyone around me makes me feel like i’m asking too much
[i’m from a country currently at war in eastern europe, which adds a ton of baggage in and of itself, but i have no intention of touching on that in this post]
the problem is, in my culture, what i’m asking for doesn’t really exist as a concept, because men are generally conditioned to do the opposite of what i need
the men i date either get filtered out immediately for being disrespectful or opportunistic, or they pass that bar and turn out to be avoidant and allergic to accountability. i genuinely don’t know how to navigate this as someone with bpd. being single catapults me into a depressive state because i barely have a social environment and end up feeling deeply isolated, but dating feels like a special kind of hell.
my family thinks i’m toxic and impossible to be around. they genuinely believe i’m too picky for leaving a guy who had a job and didn’t drink too much. men are supposed to be providers in my society, but given the economic situation, too many people act like it’s enough to just find someone who isn’t a complete menace. the thing is, i don’t even need or want to be provided for, i prioritize different things
my inability to build “stable” connections with men sometimes feels like i’m actively failing to socially adapt.
but then, i just can’t bring myself to buy into this concept where love manifests solely as duty. a “good” woman is expected to be endlessly selfless, emotionally regulating, maternal, forgiving. i would be the one expected to single-handedly do the “i accept you for who you are” part while barely holding myself together. it’s just not feasible for me as someone with bpd
i’ve also noticed that if a man smells insecurity on me, he starts slowly destroying me as some twisted form of natural selection, like i failed to live up to his stoic standard and now he’s punishing me for it. in other words, if you show weakness, you are to be dominated
also, i spent a small fortune trying to find a professional who would take me seriously and finally validate my concerns about having bpd. now that it’s been confirmed, i’m having doubts because i’m trapped in this clusterfuck of emotional coldness and dismissiveness, and my reactions totally feel like they’re warranted and not abnormal
i don’t know how much of this is actually about cultural / gendered conditioning — this post is definitely coming from a vulnerable place, and i’m mostly putting it out there just to vent. but please share some thoughts if any of you resonated with this on any level
The way the general population and even health professionals don't bother researching bpd properly really get me down. Especially when you're treated like a bad person who has negative behaviours and dismissed. They don't understand what hell it can be to live with especially if you're untreated. without looking into whats happening for the actual person with bpd, it can be hell it is actually living with it.
I just gotta say a big shoutout to DBT and how it changed my life. I made sure to do several rounds of a six month group and I highly recommend it for anyone who really wants to change and be relieved of the nightmare that bpd sometimes was. I am no longer in and out of hospital and live a generally relaxed happy kind of lifestyle these days