Just trying to gauge if I’m in normal reference range or not. Before anyone gets worried, I’m just passively suicidal meaning I have never actively done or tried to kms, but the idea of just not waking up one day sounds nice sometimes.
Thanks <3
I know not every person with bpd has all the syptoms, but I feel like pretty much everything I read about bpd says that the disorder is centered around a deep fear of abandonment/rejection, but, I can't really say that's ever been an issue for me?
I'm worried about annoying people, that like, people secretly hate me but don't reject me, instead keeping me around because they're nice, or want to be polite, or that I'm missing signals. Sometimes I'll take my distances to see if people reach out, but more to make sure I'm not misreading their desire to maintain a friendship than anything.
If anything honestly, the pattern in my life is very much to not understand people trying to signal a lack of interest and me not understanding it, not the other way around
I'm pretty confident my partner won't leave me, I do freak the fuck out when a possible end of the relationship is on the table, but it's only happened really rarely (less than once a year), and it was explicitely mentionned, it wasn't like ''they didn't answer my text fast enough or smiled at the cashier'', it was like ''they directly told me they were thinking about ending the relationship''. Like, I did over-react in these situation, but the over-reaction wasn't reading abandonment where there wasn't.
The vast majority of times, when I split or wtv, my thought process is usualy more ''why the fuck are you with someone you hate/despise/don't respect'' than ''you're gonna leave me''. If anything, I'm often pissed off at not being broken up with during these times, because I'm convinced my partner hates me and just stays with me for some unknown (but surely evil) reason, which seems to be like the opposite of a fear of rejection right?
Hi everyone,
I’m looking to hear about other people’s experiences with dissociation in BPD.
If you’re comfortable sharing, what do your dissociative symptoms feel like? How do they manifest for you? Or maybe you don’t experience dissociation at all?
I’d really appreciate hearing about your personal experiences. Thank you!
He broke up with me and blocked me on everything. Unblocked me to just?? I don't know why. He gave me hope. He said we would talk tonight and I waited like the complete delusional idiot I am. Just for him to tell me he doesn't want to talk.
It's been 3 days of not showering, getting hospitalized with heart issues, not eating, tearing my hair out and crying crying crying crying crying. I've only slept for 3 hours overall in the last 2 days. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm typing this from the shower and I can't even shower. I'm just sitting in a dry bathtub.
Why did he give me hope? Why did he tell me he needs to think if it looks like he's just going to block me again and abandon me completely after all, just not right now but in a couple days? Why does he seem so normal? Why is he posting away about his hobbies like nothing is happening? Why doesn't he miss me. Why. Why. Why. We were so good until I complained about us only spending time with each other once in the entire month of June. I was just sad. I WAS JUST SAD. I never attacked him. Never splitted. I was just sad. And this is what he does. Is there someone else? What if there's someone else? Why can't I stop thinking about it?
Is there only one true way out for a person like me?
Hey everyone!
I'm a 38 year old woman, diagnosed with BPD about two years ago along with some other fun alphabet soup. It's been a wild adventure of hospitals, tears, pills, therapy, DBT, relationship rollercoastering, but more than anything, it has felt kind of isolating.
I'm in a relationship with a man who has been insanely supportive of my disaster-filled self, but I wish I had someone closer to ground zero to commiserate with who understands the gritty unspoken details or the 2am plights or all the times something is just inexplicably wrong.
Judging by the posts here I'm guessing the age range tends to drift a little younger; any other older BPD adults out there want a friend? Open to younger people, too, I just come with an oozing aura of millennial disgruntledness.
F26 here: Regardless of the diagnosis and the stigma that comes with it, I’m curious if anyone else with BPD has experienced this:
Even before you had a diagnosis, did you ever feel like certain family members, friends, or romantic partners would intentionally push your buttons, treat you poorly, provoke a reaction, and then use your reaction against you?
Those of us with BPD know that when we reach our breaking point, our emotions can come out intensely. That doesn’t mean we weren’t hurt, pushed, or affected by what happened before that moment. It can be incredibly frustrating, especially when you’re actually in a good place mentally and working on yourself.
As a woman with BPD, I would say I have a strong sense of confidence in myself. Of course, I have insecurities like anyone else, but I wear what I want, dress how I want, enjoy my hobbies, and make choices that genuinely make me happy. I go places by myself, eat by myself, and take long walks alone (I don’t drive, so I’m often out on my own).
What bothers me is that I don’t go out of my way to tear other women down, gossip about people, or make others feel bad about themselves. So I sometimes wonder why some people feel the need to do that to me.
Has anyone else, especially women with BPD, experienced feeling like people try to provoke you, test your boundaries, or make you feel small and then blame you for reacting?
This is my first time posting here.
I’ve been a silent reader for a while, and this community has made me feel less alone more times than I can explain.
I’m still trying to figure life out too. I don’t have all the answers. I’m just trying to understand myself a little better every day.
I used to love writing when I was younger. I’d write about everything. My thoughts, my opinions, my feelings, little stories. It came so naturally to me. Somewhere along the way, life happened, and I slowly stopped. I think I lost that part of myself without even realizing it.
One thing I’ve always struggled with is how intensely I feel my emotions. When I feel something, I feel it with my whole heart. They can be painful, comforting, beautiful, heartbreaking, sometimes all at once.
And then they fade.
Sometimes I can’t even remember what I felt so deeply just hours or days ago. It’s strange because, in that moment, it feels like the emotion will stay with me forever. Those feelings are so intense that they almost feel like beautiful literature to me. Raw, vulnerable, impossible to ignore. I genuinely love feeling deeply, even when it hurts. I just wish I could hold onto those emotions long enough to understand them before they disappear.
Maybe that’s why I want to write again.
I’ve challenged myself to write every day. Not because I have life figured out. Quite the opposite. I’m hoping writing will help me capture these moments before they fade, understand myself a little better, and maybe become kinder to myself along the way.
I recently started a Substack where I’ll be sharing my journey, my thoughts on living with BPD, books that make me think, psychology, healing, and all the little things I usually keep to myself.
If any of this resonates with you, I’d love to have you along. And even if it doesn’t, I just wanted to say thank you to this community for making me feel a little less alone.
If anyone is interested my substack link is in bio
And I definitely don't want it to be my wonderful amazing gf of almost 6 months who I don't want to push away.
Lost an fp yesterday and it feels inevitable. I begged him to stick around so I can end things on my terms, or at least keep him till I get a new fp. But he's dead to me
I just don't wanna do this again. I don't think I have it in me
how do i ride this out without doing something stupid? i'm so nauseous and can't stop hyperventilating. whats something that works quickly pls idk if calling a hotline will help they havent taken me seriously in the past.
After another girl lossing interest in talking to me for a single night over text messages. Im just boring to talk to.
I feel like i want to talk, but during the 10 or so messages her tone, her replies changed quickly to the point of short responses, no questions, no new topics, no emojis.
I just suck at talking to women, and ive once again screwed up my chances to have a friend that wants to get to know me.
Im not attractive enough to be this boring, im not funny enough to be bad at talking over text. Im just not enough of a person, to have women want to get to know me.
I shouldve realised earlier, and i think i had to a degree. As it felt like we had a good chat in person when we first met, and now she doesnt want to continue messaging me, because im just not fun to talk too.
How can i be better at talking? I try to ask questions, to not be overbearing about talking about myself, to make jokes and not dismissing what they said. And yet, ive just never gotten better at it.
nobody stays in my life because they can’t handle my symptoms. the only person i feel close to is my partner and they’ve got one foot out the door already. i already miss them so much and don’t know what i’ll do once i’m completely alone. i hate my life and myself. i wish it could just be over
My bf and I had been fighting/alternating breakdowns in the morning (not typical for us, something happened).
Things had been calm for a few minutes when I took slowly grabbed his arm. I did this because I was overcome with suicidal thoughts and wanted to alert him and anchor myself because I was really worried I was about to go into the other room to hurt myself.
I was standing up, he was sitting down, so I bent over a bit to hold onto his arm.
Then, I looked into his eyes and a switch flipped. I felt like he didn't care that I was in crisis but I still needed help so I yelled "do you want me to just kill myself? I can do that," and I looked down at my hand and realized I had strengthened my grip--not a crazy amount, but I ended up squeezing his arm instead of just being firm for a few seconds.
Immediately, I had realized that I scared him. I didn't mean to at all. He was very upset of course.
I have not gotten out of bed for days due to the guilt and I am confident I will never yell at a partner or do anything that could be seen as intimidating ever again. I am certain.
But how can I help my boyfriend? I never meant to hurt him but I definitely crossed a line. I truly was just in crisis and couldn't communicate well but it doesn't change the fact that I deeply overwhelmed him.
Hiii everyone,
I wanted to make a post asking if anyone would be open to a potential group chat for people with BPD. I’ve struggled a lot with finding community outside of therapy, and think that it could be nice to have a group chat of people who have the same, if not at least similar, mental health issues and struggles as me.
This group chat would truly be a group for community. If anyone is interested please dm me, and if two people or more do I’ll make a group chat!!
I will the group chat tonight or tomorrow, also the purpose of this group chat is not to encourage anyone to do some crazy shit, it’s js for understanding and community building (or wtv happens)
With the way my personality shifts depending on who im with and how black and white my thinking is i feel like i suffer with imposter syndrome. I literally dont know who i am sometimes and im having an identity crisis most of the time !!!
lately i’ve been doing so much better with most of my symptoms since i’m on a new medication, but some things have gotten worse also. i feel like i have no sense of emotional permanence anymore like if my partner is not actively being affectionate i feel like he’s going to leave me or he’s losing interest in me. i cant tell if i’m just overreacting due to my bpd or if he actually is losing interest in me. but i can’t logically come up with anything that is different about our relationship so it must be in my head. i get moments where the anxiety about being abandoned is so heavy i just start to cry in the middle of going about my day. not sure what i’m looking for by posting this i’m just sharing an experience i have, maybe some of you can relate.
edit: i also live with my partner and we share a car, and i depend on him mostly at the moment due to how bad my mental health has been. so there’s also anxiety about just having nothing apart from my life and home with him.
ok so first of all, i know this isn't a healthy way to think, and i am trying to work on it. but i'm so goddamn jealous whenever my friends have other friends because it makes me feel like i'm not the most important person in their lives. i know that's irrational, but it hurts so much because to me, they're the most important person in mine.
i think this is honestly why i can't keep friends. i get too attached, i'm too intense, and i end up being overbearing without meaning to. it feels like my idea of friendship is just... too much for most people. i can't really do casual friendships bc they leave me feeling empty. i don't know how to care about someone halfway.
i hate that my brain works like this, but part of me genuinely thinks, what's the point of having friends or a partner if you're not completely codependent on each other?
it's such a lonely mindset to have because i know it pushes people away bc of how much i need them (which will inevitably ruin the friendship), but at the same time, relationships that don't have that level of closeness just make me feel so deeply unsatisfied. i don't know how to explain it without sounding possessive or selfish. i don't want to control anyone or stop them from having other people in their lives. i just wish i didn't constantly feel like i'm being replaced, or like i'll never matter to someone as much as they matter to me.
I am tired. Tired of everything. Tired of the way I have to wake up each day. I know - I am being a victim, I'm selfish, I'm choosing this, I'm lazy, I'm too sensitive, I'm too dependant, I'm too needy, I'm not trying hard enough, I'm full of self pity, I'm angry, I'm always hurt, I'm cutting everyone off, I'm sleeping to much, I'm just so tired.
And I don't want to keep doing this. I genuinely want off this ride. I just want to be able to choose and decide for once in my life - something I want. I don't want to suffer, I don't want to exist with all this shame, and hurt and pain. I just want it to stop.
But I want a peaceful end, I want to just go to sleep, and not wake up. I don't want a violent, painful end. I just want peace. I truly am not wanting to get anymore help. I don't want to try a trip to the psych hospital, because it's my last resort and I fear if it's not what I hoped for, i'm all out of options. This is getting to the point of feeling cornered in my life.
I don't know how i ended up here, but I just want it to be over. Sometimes when i fall asleep deeeply enough, I wake up and for a moment i'm still in my dream, peaceful and loved. And then the reality hits and it's another fucking day I have to exist.
I just want the choice to leave this pain behind, even if it's selfish. The way my family have treated me - I can't imagine that they would miss me, afterall they are the ones who have showed me over and over that I'm loved conditionally.
How do I find a way out of this. I don't want to do this anymore
Hi Everyone!
My partner and I have been together for more than 7 years, and I’ve known about them having BPD ever since the beginning of our relationship. I have loosely researched and tried to understand it for the majority of the years we’ve been together, but I’ve been very negligent, and have not put forth the effort I should have to get a better idea of BPD and things to do when trying to help them with situations and other things they’re going through/experiencing.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and any info that helps keep better understand BPD and my partner is greatly appreciated!
21 cis/straight male w bpd. I find it so difficult to maintain any kinda of relationships with woman friends. It’s mostly just that they seek relationships with other men. It implies their closest connection is gonna be with that man they’re interested in, and not me. Whether we’re In an Intimate arrangement or not, it’s too much for me to handle.
I’m their person and they’re supposed to be my person- I can’t handle it. The rejection when they talk about other prospective suitors is unbearable.
I cant even have friends of the opposite sex. It sucks so badly. Really reaffirms I can’t maintain relationships in general due to this hellish condition.
Has anyone else had a similar experience?
I hope this group is more accepting then a lot of groups on Facebook. I've noticed a lot of people go there to bash their ex's and hate on loved ones. It makes me feel extremely alone. I've been working on my BPD for years, but posts like that make me feel like I can't be open about it. I would love to know what experiences you all had as someone with BPD? How hard is day to day tasks for you? How is your healing journey going? Are you a parent, and how do you manage your symptoms if you are? I would love supportive and constructive feedback. Thanks!