r/BPD

ive been with my girlfriend for over a year and i love her so much, we both have bpd and our relationship has always been very rocky. i am a compulsive liar and i have been since i was a little kid. i usually lie when i think i'm going to get in trouble/when i think i might hurt someone so it's come up a lot in our relationship. the other day was our do-over for our one year and in the morning before she was awake i called one of my friends that she doesn't like and i know she doesn't like him. it's a boundary of hers that i don't call him on special days and i knew this. i was just really overwhelmed and i wanted to talk to him because it's less pressure talking to him about some things. anyway she woke up in the middle of our call but i had headphones in so i lied about who i was talking to. she could tell but wanted us to have a good day so gaslit herself into believing otherwise. in the night she checked my phone and confirmed i had lied and confronted me about it today. i feel so awful because this isn't the first time i've done this and i just keep breaking her trust and i don't know how to stop. has anyone else had issues with compulsive lying? how do i stop myself from hurting her because i love her and i hate being this way

Hello you lovely people!

:D

I was told I have BPD by a psychologist but am awaiting a proper diagnosis.

I would love to chat with anyone here because you all seem so sweet.

I am 26F and am struggling so much esp to get over my exes. I just would really appreciate a comforting ear.

Everytime my bf is going out to do something w friends which frankly isn’t even super often, I get so mad. Sometimes I can hold it in at first but then after like 2 hours go by I start getting angry. Sometimes I can’t even hold it in at first like today he said he’s going out for a few hours and I’m irritated and can’t even pretend I’m happy or neutral. My entire mood shifts and it’s like logically I’m glad he’s getting out and stuff but I just CANNOT fight the feeling of why doesn’t he want to hang out w me instead, because ID ALWAYD CHOOSE TO HANG OUT W HIM OVER ANYONE

does anyone have successful ways to either manage or stop this. ….. at least to hold it in so I don’t drive him away by repeatedly throwing fits when he is going out. Genuinely feels like I’m a parasite on him

Note- we live together for a few months now and have been together near a year and half. He is very understanding but he finally got mad today when I started wailing about him going out (as he should) and I’m scared I’m driving him away now.

I’m F20 and I got my bod diagnosis two years ago. And tbh I feel like my symptoms are only gotten worse, and I’m depressed most of the time. Time goes slow, but all my days are the same and is just blending together. I don’t remember my last weeks or days, but I’m always feeling numb and sad. Tired. Extremely tired. I am so bored. Nothing is fun. And even if im actually doing something fun, I don’t feel happy about it. I’ve struggled a lot with my mental health since I was just 9. And I’ve been a lot to therapy, but I don’t feel it’s helping… Do you relate or have any advice?..

Like i wish i could just blow up at people tbh, it’s really not fun wanting to block someone or yell at them but being unable to so you have no real outlet for the anger so it just keeps building up.

in some ways i guess its a good thing but idk it feels horrible lmao. i feel like alot of people see quiet bpd as like more mild or not as bad as the classic presentation but like it definitely is not lmao, it might look better outwardly or seem better if you’re not actually dealing with it but jesus christ it’s really not pleasant.

like i’m so fucking pissed at the guy im in a situationship with i hate his guts and yet i cant bring myself to actually do anything about it lmao, i feel so weak. this shit is definitely not like mild lmao and i hate that some people seem to think that, and also that quiet bpd is kinda just ignored by alot of people, like either we’re written off as not actually suffering as much or just completely ignored.

i really wish there was more awareness and understanding of quiet bpd, like i know it’s not an officially recognised thing (which honestly i think it should be, like it’s not a seperate thing necessarily just a different presentation but i think official recogniton of the presentation would be beneficial tbh) but still, always feels like we’re just getting swept under the rug and ignored.

i’m not talking about anyone specifically nor saying everyone thinks this way it’s just stuff ive seen in a few places.

My dr recommended i look into it, im a little nervous about it for SI & SH. Ive been having a lot of trouble lately with controlling literally everything. just punched out a window over my fp lying to me(hes compulsive unfortunately) so yeah lmao just not sure what to do anymore

Isn’t it unfair having a bad childhood, and top of that suffering as adults because of that?
Isn’t it like we are god’s not so favourite children?
Having no good relationships in childhood and getting heart broken as adults due to bpd
I am so done with all this

I have ruined my life. I done IVF last year which resulted in me having a baby boy but now I realize I am in no position to be a mum. I went into this with rose tinted glasses thinking it’s some sort of game. I can’t live with myself. I feel sick to my stomach and I am suicidal almost every day.

I dumped my partner/FP over of a year and a half because they seemed distant and uninterested over the past few months, and it was destroying me. I kept thinking they were going to leave me. Ive been spiraling, SH, SI, substances, all became coping mechanisms ive always used(dbt out the window). I just kept hoping things with them would go back to the good times.

On the advice of the few people I trust, they pushed me to dump them (it took weeks for me to do it.) I left officially this weekend.

I thought it would stop the downward spiral. But I still have negative coping urges and actions, but now on top of that I feel E M P T Y... fml. Now I want them back. Feels like the cliche "damned if you do...." etc blah blah.

Thoughts? Support?

So my partner of five months has dealt with BPD with her ex and her mom.

She herself is a sweet sweet human, and deals with my BPD symptoms really well and always forgives me. She can handle all of my spirals and outta control emotions. I am just now beginning therapy and just started meds so she really felt the deep bad sides of my symptoms.

While this is all true, she has some bad qualities herself that make me spiral more like looking at other women and not loving my body while I cherish hers...making me feel like I am not her type and that she is settling for me looks wise. (I have spoken to her about all this)

I am alot to deal with so...

Do I stay with her bc I feel like no one will accept my BPD? Do I owe her the same forgiveness that she gives me for all my instability and impulsivity? Or should I break up with her?

So yes, I'm coming up for 10 months on SSRIs and apart from coming out of a spiral faster, I'm wondering if they can help me into remission.

I was doing good work with a great therapist, but lost my job, and the market where I live against my skills means I won't get to earn as i did before, maybe ever.

For context, I live in Europe where we have public health system (not mandatory to have insurance, so I don't have it any more).

My GP offered me an anxiety talking group, no sign of therapy on the horizon.

Currently, the sliding scale of BetterHelp, Is still out of budget at the moment.

I did buy the BPD workbook from Amazon but it was 30€ and I'm thinking of sending it back.

Has anyone here managed to get better on anti depressants?

Can it be done?

Thanks!

Hell all, I've been feeling unfulfilled and insecure in my relationship lately and I think my BPD is exacerbating the issues if not straight up causing them.

The problem really boils down to the fact that my girlfriend tends to be quite avoidant. Her social battery is extremely small so we tend not to see each other very often (typically once a week or less). That wouldn't be a problem necessarily if the quality of our time together wasn't so low. It's not her or my fault, we are just both extremely busy and mentally ill and we spend a lot of time either just talking or more commonly just laying together. But she doesn't even like when I hold or pet her a lot which hurts my feelings because physical touch is so important to me.

Also she hasn't been wanting to have sex very often. Sex and physical intimacy is really important to me and given that we don't see each other often I'll basically ask her every time we meet if she wants to have sex and it seems like it's become a chore to her. I always respect her when she says no of course but it makes me really sad and it makes me feel gross and petty that I have this much of an issue with our sex life.

I really don't know what to do I love her so so dearly but I'm afraid I will eventually split on her and she'll break up with me. Her previously partner had BPD and she has a low tolerance for people splitting on her (as she should). I used to have episodes every 3 weeks or so but lately it feels like once or even twice a week and it's always over our relationship. I can usually keep it to myself but it has been harder and harder to manage myself lately. And worse she will actively avoid me if she knows I'm having an episode which I understand is for the best but it only makes things harder on me.

Any advice would be really appreciated. As for therapy I am actively searching for a therapist right now. Thanks for reading hope everyone is having a good day <3.

I’ve got to ask because I don’t know if this is related to bipolar disorder or a BPD symptom. Today, I forgot to take my pills, and I feel extremely emotional and over the top. I’m very energetic, and my libido is through the roof. I suffer from it because I’m at work or in places where I shouldn’t be feeling this way, but I feel extremely turned on. It’s uncomfortable.
And it’s not the first time this has happened to me. Sometimes it even happens when I’m taking my medication, but it’s never exactly the same symptom. Sometimes I get like this, and other times I get extremely depressed and can’t get out of bed, make dinner, or even wash myself.

Does this happen to any of you too?

I can’t handle my emotions. I’m weak and stupid and can’t help but overreact to every single thing in my life. Today I got home after long shift and locked my keys in my car and my home was completely locked. Normal person would be like darn let’s figure this out. Me? No. I start screaming no and fuck and just angry yelling. Then I decided maybe my neighbor could help. He was on the phone with police because of me. Police came and everyone checked on me. I’m so stupid guys I want to die. I burdened everyone and I’m so cringe and can’t handle myself. I don’t know how to get over this. I feel like I can’t sit, sleep, stand, eat, whatever else. I’m shaking so bad and crying. Why am I me? Why am I the way I am? I hate myself so much. I don’t know how to get over this. I don’t want to be here anymore

He was my fwb for two years. I’m not gonna lie, when I read that text, I instantly went into rage internally. I was a mess. I cried, felt like a part of me was ripped open and I couldnt breathe. And had intrusive thoughts of cutting and suicide. But after a couple long moments of letting myself feel the rage and crying into my pillow while listening to music, I calmed down. I’m still sad about it of course but I’ve accepted that I can’t change anybody’s mind about me. It is what it is. I ended up sending him a text validating his feelings and basically saying I agree with his choice and wished him well.

I believe I’ll be okay.

It’s been so tough. I am reading lots of academic information, she’s already getting best therapists and meds and support groups, but like to hear from real life experiences. What is a parent to do.

I feel like I am the physical embodiment of envy. I exist in a constant state of envy, jealousy, and fear of missing out. It’s not okay to live like this.. i’ll spend my whole life wishing i had what others did or thinking that they possess the secret key to happiness- while i’m stuck with this inevitable huge void. I can’t accept that things didn’t go perfectly, I can’t accept that i don’t have that thing or that lifestyle or that experience or that privilege that someone else does. This isn’t surface level either… my skin and soul literally BURNS with envy. It consumes me day and night. I lose sleep at night and lose hours and hours in the day green in the face with envy.

Can anybody else relate to this?? any advice or support welcome, i genuinely am exhausted of dealing with it

I feel useless if Im not giving anyone attention it hurts rn and im trying to find someone online but no one wants to respond to me and it feels even worse and I wish i could get in a relationship not only so someone can love me but so also I give them attention and have a reason to be here

my fp has always been cruel and manipulative, he’s always held grudges against me and threatened to block me. i honestly don’t understand why he’s my fp. he sucks.

last week, i couldn’t take it anymore, how he’d be cruel and i’d beg for forgiveness and apologize forever and ever, and i blocked him. but he’s the only person i get to talk to, and i got too lonely. i couldn’t take it. i unblocked him and told him as much. he’s been quieter after that, but mostly normal.

last sunday, he even visited me when he thought i was doing really poorly. we talked and it was really nice. he hugged me before he left, a hug he initiated. we’ve been talking sort of normally ever since.

last night, he sounded really short and mean in his texts. i said “i really wish you wouldn’t use such a cold tone with me.” (i have to say cold, because he insists that he isn’t being mean to me, he swears up and down that he’s being “cold”.)

to which he responded, “it’s the only one you’re getting. you made things clear.”

cue immediate meltdown panic. i begged him to tell me what he meant. he refused to tell me, no matter what i said, and threatened to block me. he said i’d get answers today.

i told him i didn’t want to ruin what was left of our friendship. he said, “you made it clear there is nothing, stargirl. nothing.”

i have ruminated on and cried over that this whole time. i don’t know what i possibly could’ve done. i didn’t have any meltdowns the past couple weeks, it was all just normal conversation.

well, i waited all day long. and finally, i couldn’t take it anymore. i texted him. and he still won’t tell me what i did. i am panicking so much, i just can’t take it. i can’t take it. this completely blindsided me and it hurts so much.

i don’t know what i did to make him so angry. i want to fix it so badly, but i don’t know what happened! i don’t know how i’m going to sleep or do anything tonight. i hate this. he’s my only friend that i can actually talk to. i won’t have anyone outside of acquaintances if he leaves.

eta: it is next to impossible to stop texting him and begging for answers and forgiveness. this is so painful and frightening.

I'm turning 58 this year, and honestly, sometimes I just don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.

I've battled depression, anxiety, and panic attacks since I was a kid. I'm diagnosed with BPD. One psychiatrist tried to tell me I was bipolar II, but BPD seems to be the diagnosis that everyone else agrees on. I've been hospitalized five different times over the years.

And sometimes I swear it just doesn't seem to get any better.

Right now I'm out of work and have basically no money. Thankfully, I was approved for Medicaid and food stamps, and I'm grateful for that, but those things don't pay the rent. They don't put gas in my car. They don't buy toilet paper or take care of all the other things that still have to be paid for.

I'm on Effexor, 300 mg, which I know is a pretty high dose, along with a couple of antipsychotics because I sometimes see what I call "shadow people." They're not really people, but I see shadows, especially when I'm under a lot of stress. I'm also on Klonopin for the anxiety and panic.

Sometimes I feel like my entire life has been an EKG — up, down, up, down, up, down. Just when I think maybe I'm finally getting somewhere, something happens and I'm right back down again.

I'm tired of telling myself that tomorrow will be better, only to wake up and feel the same way.

I'm tired of thinking, Maybe this medication will finally make a difference.

I'm tired of thinking, Maybe this new therapist will be the one who helps me see things differently.

I'm tired of hoping.

I've lost jobs. I've lost friends. I've lost family members because of my mental health. I deal with agoraphobia to the point where sometimes I don't even want to leave my house. I have certain places that feel safe to me, and even getting out of those safe spaces can be incredibly difficult.

I wouldn't wish this life on anyone, and honestly, I hate that this is the life I've ended up with.

Thankfully, I do have a few friends who understand mental health and don't just tell me to "suck it up," "get some sun," "take some vitamin D," or "just get out of the house." I know those people usually mean well, but when you've been fighting this for decades, those kinds of comments can make you feel even more alone.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I guess I'm just having a really bad day and needed somewhere to vent where maybe people will understand.

I'm probably going to take my Klonopin as prescribed, put on some movies, and try to shut my brain off for a while.

So that's it. No inspirational ending. No "everything happens for a reason." Just a guy who's exhausted and having a really hard day.

Thanks for letting me vent. I truly appreciate this subreddit, and I hope all of you are having a better day than I am.