u/athaznorath

genuinely i can count on one hand the amount of times i've been angry at someone other than myself in the past year. and i can count on one hand the number of times i've raised my voice at someone in my entire life. i have never yelled at someone, ever. but if i'm mad at myself? it's volatile, i can explode at myself. i punch things to hurt my hands, i pour boiling water on myself, etc.

this probably has a lot to do with how i was raised. my parents shouted all the time so i became very quiet and slow to anger in response. but because BPD is stereotyped as having explosive anger and yelling at people, i kind of feel like an odd case. so, anyone else feel the same?

just, tell me my life isn't over or something. that i can still achieve my goals. this past week i seriously feel useless. i'm 21 and i feel so behind in life. everything goes too fast. i want to pour everything into my ambitions but it's like i'm a broken, stupid person who can't give as much as everyone else. can't be as motivated.

i very much want my conch punched at a large size, thinking 4g or 2g, but i'm scared of the pain level. i'm also pretty scared of the sutures, i've never gotten stitches or anything and it kind of creeps me out. my tongue piercing was probably the most painful piercing i've had, and the only difficult one to heal so far.

this isn't a new sentiment by any means but i have been reminiscing a lot lately on TAZ and MBMBAM in their heyday. i was in highschool when i first listened to TAZ balance and it had a huge impact on me. i became an avid MBMBAM listener as well, and the only reason i managed to make friends in highschool was because i stole jokes from the brothers (i know this is sad). like genuinely, i started a dolly parton fanclub at my highschool despite my *only* knowledge of her coming from the mcelroys. in a weird way they were also the only male rolemodels in my life at the time, which is like, supremely parasocial. but i genuinely did try to emulate them because i saw them as these wise older brother figures.

anyways, i guess i miss when i could turn on the latest episode of MBMBAM and be a lonely 16 year old forgetting the fact that i didn't have any friends. now i think even listening to the old episodes would make me... bitter? i don't know. now that i'm an adult myself it's easy to see the brothers clearly, and without any idealization. i am frustrated that they *could* still have a good podcast if they put a modicum of effort into their jobs. i am frustrated that they simply don't care anymore.

nowadays jerma985 has replaced the mcelroys in keeping me company, parasocially of course. (any other jerma fans here? hi)

just curious. although i'm leaning towards zen right now because the teachings of zen teachers have made the most sense to me so far, i'm still open to other sects and plan to try out multiple sanghas near me.

i've come back to buddhism due to a difficult time in my life. recently i came very close to suicide. i've made mistakes and hurt people so much that it is hard to forgive myself. i've been listening to ajahn brahm, and he talks a lot about the importance of self compassion, but i still don't know how to go about cultivating it. i am in therapy for my mental issues, but i wanted to get a buddhist perspective because looking at my life through a buddhist view instead of a therapy view is often more uplifting/helpful.