I know some other parasocials live in Virginia, what if we worked together to open a TAZ themed weed store next year? I came up with the name Smoke It Up With Taako, which I think is most of the work.
Much like Time magazine after 9/11, it's time for the McElroys to eschew tradition and embark upon their own black-bordered podcast.
What better way to liven up an already dour podcast experience than by talking about problems? The comedy teat has been tugged raw and red; the calves have grown up. Let's get real with some classic real-world stories of violence, heartbreak, or desperation. You know, a real podcast for real people. Tackle issues of God and mortality like Les Mis and teach those raccoon Confederates never come to this audio program. At this point, the biggest bummer is that Time moves in a metronome's steady rhythm and baby, that weight is loose and sliding. What could possibly bring us lower?
This is the problem with billionaires
The swears! COULD NOT EVEN BE ENJOYED BY AN 19 YEAR OLD
On the latest McElroy Family Fuckhouse Griffin is wearing a black t-shirt & looks like he's been taking steroids is he on the juice?
hey freaks its time for episode 17, "Fire Drill" posted on 6.25.2020. hey, almost exactly six years ago
i have been extremely busy at work this month so I have actually burned through my backlog and i have three days to recap this if i want to post it on thursday friday. the stakes have never been higher in the adventure zone: graduation
episode description: Having more or less successfully completed their mission with the Centaurs, the Thundermen are headed back to school. But first, a night out on the town and a few drinks with friends. What could go wrong? After stopping for the night at the tavern Springs Eternal, the fellas have an important talk with Althea Song. It is also a night of discovery with several alter ego coming to light. Plus, a Fuzzy Navel!
this is now 6 of 17 for episodes that mention food/drink/meals? why. i also love the idea that they are stopping once again in last hope, a town that is seemingly a couple hours from the school, to take a break and get a drink, and not at any of the presumably other taverns they passed in the days(?) of travel to and from the centaur encampment. one town, one bar, the world building is so fucking rich. and thank god, they're going to talk to althea. i'm always saying, i wish they were talking to althea, like at the school, when they had to talk to althea, or at the centaur encampment, where they were talking to althea. now finally, they will get to talk to althea. i am also very fucking scared of whatever a "fuzzy navel" is.
HOLY SHIT. i am literally a single sentence into the garycap and things are already uhhhhh
>Gary: The Thundermen were told by Higglemas Wiggenstaff that his brother, Hieronymous, had been a dog for the last 50 years, and a demon prince had been running the place. So, the fellas headed out on an assignment to help out a couple of centaur herds. But also, to secretly retrieve a magic apple that Higglemas needed to change his brother back.
>Things got real rough with Fitzroy getting cursed, the boys getting framed, and an evil wizard in the mix. Plus, some big, ominous being named Chaos seems to have taken an interest in Fitzroy. But, with the help of Althea Song, and fellow students, Rhodes the ranger, Mimi, and Moon, they were more or less successful.
>Now, they need to get the magic apple back to Higglemas, but bad news – fake Hieronymous knows what‘s up, and is ready for them, and there‘s no way that ends well, right?
travis reveals who the fake rony is in the recap at the top of the episode. this was not revealed in the last episode. the players shouldn't know this. the listeners definitely do not know this. what the fuck. what the fuck. how do you fuck up this badly.
also you'd have to imagine that, like, at some point, while recording, while editing, while writing this up, you'd come to realize you are listing more NPCs that have helped the players than there are even players in the game. you'd think you'd realize it with it staring you in the face like this. but we do things a little differently here on the adventure zone
>Travis: You three, Heroic Oversight Guild investigator, Althea Song, and fellow students, Rhodes the ranger, Mimi, and Moon, all head out at the same time. The ride back is quiet. From what you can tell, Althea‘s silence is a worried silence; a concerned silence, while Rhodes, Mimi, and Moon seem impressed, but not necessarily in a positive way. Impressed in the way one might be when gazing upon the aftermath of a natural disaster.
reading this intro bit of narration, divorced from context, who would you assume are the main characters of this story?
also what's the deal with naming rhode's class but just saying the name for the other two.
>Travis: By the time you reach the town of Last Hope, it has grown quite dark. Groundsy and his cart have stopped making trips from school to town and back. With very little discussion, all seven of you decide to grab rooms at the tavern, Springs Eternal, rather than go the rest of the way in the dark.
>When you enter the main bar area, it is surprisingly empty. You would expect an evening at the town‘s only tavern to be pretty packed, but you only see two or three other patrons. Barb the bartender is polishing glasses in a classic bartender fashion.
Griffin: Oh, classic. Oh, you can't teach that.
>Travis: Y'know how you picture it? It‘s that. She turns her dark spectacles in your direction, mirroring the motion of her hawk familiar perched above the bar.
god we are not even 5 minutes in and we are playing ALL the hits today. how is she polishing glasses? exactly how you'd expect boyyyeeeee!!!
other things worth pointing out here: they have decided to stop for the night because groundsy has stopped making trips, despite the fact that they are all on their own horses. barb turns to look at them, despite being blind and seeing through her hawk familiar. the town, which seems to fluctuate in size depending on travis's mood but is definitely only big enough for one singular tavern, is big enough that it is "surprising" that its empty
>Barb: Surprised to see you all out and about. Come in, close the door, quick as you can. Can I get you anything to drink, or to eat, or… anything?
>Argo: Uh, why surprised that we‘re out and about?
>Barb: Oh. Well, I guess you somehow mi—have you not been paying attention? ‗Cause there have been demon attacks like, all over the area. Like, in the last 24 hours. Is that…
>Fitzroy: We‘ve been a bit preoccupied. Uh, what are you doing here, if there are so many demon attacks going on?
>Barb: Oh. The tavern is warded against demons. Can't get in the place. You're safe as houses. Don‘t—do not worry about it.
barb, who previously was extremely aggro toward students of wiggenstaff's, because she doesn't trust the types of arcane trickery they're up to up there (despite knowing all about it), is now completely nonplussed about them showing up, and apparently its clear that these new demon attacks are totally unrelated to the school (despite being directly caused by them). also if there's a curfew/no one is out because demons are attacking WHY IS SHE RUNNING THE TAVERN CURRENTLY. GO TO BED.
and the party, which has been traveling at night, just waltzed into town and into this tavern with no issue, no demon attacks, no town guard, everything is normal except how it isn't, but don't worry, she has fucking wards. wards wards wards, there's just wards fucking everywhere. got cursed? warded. spied on? warded. demons? you'll never fucking believe this-
>Fitzroy: Well, it sounds like houses aren't especially safe right now.
>Barb: Well, it‘s an expression. Y'know, it… like, it‘s not literal. You get that, right?
>Fitzroy: It‘s a confusing—confusing expression.
>Barb: Okay, fair enough.
>Firbolg: It seems a shame they did not ward the whole town.
>Fitzroy: Yeah.
>Barb: Well, I—I mean, I warded my own tavern. I have a bit of expertise in it.
travis is the most annoying type of person who will act like a dickhead to you and then when you push back even a little he immediately folds. also love the players immediately coming up with a lot of reasonable questions that are obvious to anyone who has even a third grader's ability to think and travis is just caught completely flat footed. in a different campaign barb's rank selfishness would be because she's a wiggenstaff alum and this is the kind of me-first exploitative mindset they teach at that school. but barb is another casualty of travis mcelroy is not a good person and doesn't realize the characters he creates are also not good people.
at 3:24 in this episode, barb says:
>‗Cause there have been demon attacks like, all over the area. Like, in the last 24 hours. Is that…
at 4:33, just over a minute later:
>Fitzroy: Uh, what can you tell us about these demon attacks?
>Barb: Oh, uh, well, there‘s really only been about a handful of attacks. Mostly just like, sightings. Uh… y'know, skulking around. Lot of imps.
it is so clear that in travis's head this sequence of events was supposed to go -> they go to the tavern -> barb tells them about the demon attacks -> demon attacks, they gasp, oh no, how terrible! -> banter banter banter -> travis gets to deploy his pit fiends. but since these are real people and not his dolls, of fucking course they ask follow up questions to this, and travis is so totally unprepared that he immediately begins modulating the seriousness of the situation because he needs it to be serious, but not so serious that the players actually want to do anything about it before his cutscene. all of this dialogue, this is white noise in his head. the only thing he's keeping in there is "the players cannot leave the tavern before the pit fiends" and he'll reactively say whatever he needs to in order to convince them of that and win this conversation. literally travis doesn't even listen to the own words coming out of his mouth but we're supposed to give these fuckers money every month. an embarrassment of mcelroys.
>Fitzroy: Um… well, that is troubling. I mean, should we—I mean, we all just got here, and I know we've had a long day. Do we need to go… and I almost don‘t want to say… imp hunting again? ‗Cause we—I believe we may possess more expertise than most folks in that particular field.
>Barb: I mean, I like the initiative. Uh, but y'know, there‘s a whole, like, squad of people on it. Y'know, patrollin‘ and everything. You guys just rest up. You look like shit, if I may be so bold, so…
no one is here because they're all terrified of the demon attacks that are happening -> oh well, there aren't actually that many attacks, mostly sightings -> oh actually well there's a whole squad out there hunting them right now so you don't have to worry about them
we are at 5:18 btw, this has all been within 2 minutes.
and WHO IS PATROLLING I THOUGHT EVERYTHING HAD TO BE RUN THROUGH HEROES AND VILLAINS IN THIS CRINGE ASS WORLD. WHY DID THEY PAY THE SCHOOL SO MUCH MONEY TO CLEAR OUT THAT STUPID HOSPITAL IF THEY'RE TOTALLY CAPABLE OF HUNTING IMPS BY THEMSELVES
>Travis: And she kind of eyes you up and down, and you see the hawk do the same motion, and she says…
i am so unreasonably annoyed by this "she sees through her hawk but also she is looking directly at you with her actual eyes" shit
>Travis: She maintains eye contact with you guys this whole time, and just slightly raises one eyebrow and says nothing.
>Griffin: Okay. Does she give us the requested beverages?
>Travis: Uh, she says, y'know…
>Barb: That‘ll be three gold, altogether.
>Fitzroy: Put it on our tab.
>Barb: You do not have a tab.
>Fitzroy: Start one.
>Barb: I—I do not do tabs.
>Firbolg: Do we have… do we have any gold?
>Travis: Althea leans forward and says…
>Althea: Uh, drinks are on me. I got it.
this is truly a generational run of stupidity, because like why did you make me sit through this exchange. what did we learn from this bit. what did we gain. how has this added to the narrative, atmosphere, or our perception of these characters even a little. you had your own fucking npc pay for their drinks. fuck you.
>Travis: Uh, and when Althea speaks, you see Barb react, uh, kind of look her up and down… [gasps] And then her face goes wide. And she says…
>Barb: Avenging Angel?! I haven't seen you in forever!
>Travis: And Althea turns and looks at her and is just, y'know, completely blank for a second, and then, her eyes widen and she says…
>Althea: Bloodhawk Barb! How are you? Ah! [laughs]
never fucking underestimate travis mcelroy. the only possibly stupider explanation than "just cuz" is "so i can deploy my extremely cringey npc titles to show off how cool they both are"
and here is where we learn barb went to wiggenstaff so back here in episode 4 when she said:
>Barb: Why does it creep me o—well, uh, it‘s a big ol‘ castle set between a terrifying forest and a deadly chasm. They teach people how to be villains. There‘s haunted skeletons there. Uh, and just in general, I don‘t trust them. They're teaching people how to do magic and stuff for money. It‘s weird and I don‘t like it.
also while finding that excerpt, i came across griffin jokingly ordering a yerbe matte and barb charged him 5 gold for it. an actual cocktail is only 3 gold though.
barb is blind reveal, because she got "caught by an errant curse"
from who???? you're the villain!! did a hero cast a curse?
>Barb: And after I finished recovering, I was like, ―I don‘t get paid enough for this.‖ So I bought this place and settled down. But what about you? Are you still, y'know… heroing all around?
i've watched enough bar rescue to know this is a terrible plan.
>Fitzroy: Um, okay. So, there‘s obviously a lot going on here. Um, but I feel like maybe we should debrief, because, um… Argo, Master Firbolg, I think it‘s maybe time that we let Althea into the… how should I say this… the circle of trust? Wink?
griffin "i hate to metagame and that's why i intentionally make all my characters suck shit" mcelroy: well there's nothing in game that has happened that would in any way indicate we can trust this person with our secrets, but i know travis has been jerking off this character for six episodes now and she isn't going to be a rugpull so i think we should just do what he wants
>Fitzroy: Things that—okay, let‘s do a list of things that Higglemas has done for us. One, brainwashed you a bunch. Two, sent us off on a quest to save his dog brother. Uh, and… that‘s end of list. Things Althea has done for us: incalculable, that list. So, at this point, I trust her more than Higglemas, and think she would be a great asset in our cause of… saving the world? Stopping the demon king?
things althea has actually done for them:
also i cannot emphasize enough there is no reveal at the end of the last episode what the fuck do you mean demon king
>Firbolg: Trut zund stommpaart. Truth is the honor of the tribe.
firbolg would be so much more of an interesting character if justin gave any shit about his backstory. because just mindlessly listing off traits you found on a wiki is stupid and boring. examining why the firbolg wants to adhere to these tenants when he has been exiled from his culture for breaking an even more sacred tenant is interesting. is part of his dogmatic adherence to these beliefs because it is his only connection he has left to his people? this reminds me a bit of that braindead take on aang from atla calling him a lib for not killing ozai. and like yeah mike and bryan are libs making a childrens cartoon obviously he can't kill ozai you weirdos but like more to the point there's a lot of depth in-universe to why he can't kill ozai that you're glossing over to get your dunks in on a childrens cartoon. because aang is the last of the airbenders. as far as he's aware, he is the literal last one. his entire people, his culture, his beliefs, all now rest on him solely. this tension is the driving force that makes him compelling as a character. he's a pacifist. he was raised a pacifist, and now he is the last of them. and yet he lives in a world of war, colonization, imperialism. to save others, to save those he loves, means to fight against that. the tension there is why he's a compelling character in a way that korra simply is not. aang is the most powerful person alive, but he is also 12, and he also hates violence and killing is anathema to him. korra is the most powerful person alive and she loves to fight and revels in how powerful she is. its like how superman works because he's a literal paragon, the conflict is in when and how he chooses to fight. otherwise he'd be boring because he'd just swoop in and beat on someone until he wins. so as aang and his army slowly close in on ozai, there's this great rising tension within the character himself about what he is ultimately going to do when he confronts him. and ymmv on the ultimate solution the show pulls out of its ass, but i think the build up to it is really rich. rich in a way justin saying "uhhhhh he doesn't lie duh" is not.
>Fitzroy: Um, so… here‘s the situation. We have been sort of let into a secret club. Exclusive club… by Higglemas, who… has informed us that, unfortunately, his brother is his dog. And Hieronymous is some sort of, um, immortal demon prince. So that‘s like, the big one. That‘s like, the big sort of take away.
i remain extremely annoyed by this. here's the info that travis actually provided them back in episode 12:
>Higglemas: This is not a punishment! This is… I'm keeping them safe. I told you – there‘s a danger. There‘s a demon prince out there who wants to destroy me and my brother, and anybody who knows that the Godscar Chasm shouldn‘t exist, that there‘s a fake Hieronymous Wiggenstaff, or that even my brother and I are alive. Like, these things put you in danger! I have to keep you safe! Don‘t you understand?
note that "demon prince who wants to kill rony" and "fake rony shows up" are two distinct things. they remain consistently distinct with travis only referring to fake rony as fake rony -- he at no point indicates this fake is in fact actually the demon prince. it could be a golem, or an underling, or a spirit for all i fucking know. but because literally everyone including travis has forgotten that we are here. fuck.
>Fitzroy: So, um… yes. The—the… I've already forgotten the gentleman whose hand I ripped off earlier today, and that is not a good look for me. [laughs]
>Argo: Calhain. His name was Calhain.
>Fitzroy: Thank you. It was Calhain, thank you.
>Justin: Listen to Dad fucking so proud of himself for remembering.
>justin do you fucking hear yourself. embarrassing man.
>Althea: So I guess… my first question is… why did you steal the apple?
this show is a fucking monkey's paw. i complain about how travis can't separate his own knowledge from that of his npcs, and he proves me wrong but only in ways that will force his players to recap knowledge the entire table and audience is extremely aware of for no other purpose but to inflict suffering on me, personally
>Althea: Uh, excuse me for a minute.
>Travis: And she goes to the bar. And she comes back with, uh, three shot glasses of strong spirit. And she immediately downs two. And then she says…
>Althea: Okay, so… start at the top.
>Travis: And now, we‘ll do the like, y'know, propeller spinning.
>Griffin: I don't know what I left—what I left out of that.
>Justin: Yeah, I feel like you got it, pretty much.
>Griffin: For my clarification, what details were left out? ‗Cause if there‘s other stuff that I need to know, then…
>Travis: No, mostly, it‘s uh, y'know, the specifics of the Godscar Chasm. It‘s only been there for 50 years. 50 years ago, the brother was turned into a dog. They‘ve been gathering, uh, things. That‘s why the Firbolg was mind controlled. All of these things that she had been wondering about, uh, y'know.
>Griffin: Okay.
>Travis: No—you hit all the main points. This is more of just filling in the specifics.
jesus fucking christ. there really is something broken in this man's head.
players: outline the situation
travis: great, now start from the top (ok now we're going to montage you telling her the situation)
players: ....we just did that?
travis: well, you didn't say literally every single word i did so this would be like you did. she was wondering about all of this despite not actually doing anything about it btw. and i know that i said that mind control is like the worst thing you can do in this world but she is not going to do anything about higglemas even a little bit despite having all the authority to stop him
>Althea: I… I was at the school 25 years ago. I… I was taught by a demon prince? Is that, like, the school—the school has been run by a demon prince for the last 50 years?
althea is an elf btw. she graduated school and flamed out of her job in the equivalent of like two weeks for her.
man this almost has the shape of something worth telling, right? like the specific ways they are taught to fight are somehow empowering the dread legions that the demon lord has been amassing in the infernal planes, preparing for his invasion day. he is immortal and his timetable is long. and obviously all the various alumni would gather to fight back, and it would turn out that when they fight they only make him stronger because everything they know to do has been meticulously shaped by this mastermind to strengthen him. and it would take the players, characters who do not have this training and mindset ingrained in them, to figure out how to actually fight this guy. that would be a pretty cool season of something. anyway, what's going on in grad?
>Fitzroy: Yes. [pause] Yeah. I mean, can you light the frickin‘ beacons of… Gondor and just like, summon the full weight of the Heroic Oversight Guild down on the school? Or like, what‘s the—what‘s the thing? Do you all have like, a… y'know, like, an army or something?
>Althea: Well, let—let me start off by saying… I believe you. Completely, 100%. I… cannot say that that would be the same… if I went… and told… the Heroic Oversight Guild that one of the most renowned heroes and educators in all of Nua is secretly a demon prince, based on… the, uh, word of three students.
ah. and see the way he's framed this is bad also. because now the obvious question becomes, "why the fuck would she believe these three nobodies? that's a great point travis"
instead, imagine she says you're right, we have to warn everyone, takes them to the hog, takes them to her boss, and then her boss shuts her down. that sort of upheaval would cut into the bottom line. it's not good accounting. you haven't filled out the proper forms. we need to create a committee to select a subcommittee to draft a proposal to form an investigative body to confirm these accusations. and we'll have to alert wiggenstaff's they're being audited, of course. what, with the generous donations rony makes every year to the hog union fundraiser and all the wonderful employees he creates for us, it's only fair. these sorts of flights of fancy are why your license got revoked in the first place. you never quite managed to learn to think before you leap, althea. tsk tsk.
now all that random bullshit travis keeps hollering about, the bureaucracy, the flaws in the system, the corruption within? we see it directly and see it directly stymie the players. now they are invested because it is directly opposing them.
>Fitzroy: And Higglemas! And his dog brother, if we can cast a spell on him that makes him talk. I'm sure he would tell the truth of things.
>Althea: … Yes. Um…
lmao. travis is an idiot.
>Althea: I mean, yes. Maybe… maybe then, um, we can make a pretty strong case? If I'm being honest… the—the biggest problem is…
>Travis: And she kind of breaks eye contact for a second and says…
>Althea: The… The Heroic Oversight Guild is… is a lot of bureaucracy. A lot of red tape. There‘s not really… they're not really like, a leap-into-action, spring… y'know, spring to someone‘s defense… kind of deal. Um… [pause]
hahahahahahahaha
>Fitzroy: So there‘s just nothing, then? I mean, it is mostly staffed by former heroes and villains, yes?
>Althea: In name.
>Fitzroy: Okay.
you can hear it in travis's fucking voice dude. even he doesn't believe in this shit, he's just backed into a corner and trying to figure out any justification for why the obvious solution shouldn't work, and each one is still a bad justification and everyone on the call knows it.
>Argo: So, what you're saying is that… we need to put together our own little posse to kind of deal with this prince of demons?
>Althea: I mean, I can try to set the wheels in motion. Um… and I—I—let me start off here – I am on your side. I… I will not let you go into this fight alone. I just don‘t… I can't guarantee support from… the Guild.
clint tries to bail him out by being a good player and choosing the sort of obvious route this story calls for, except travis still wants his sewper kool npc involved so we get this stammering mess, and then--
>Althea: And, if what you're saying is true… I don't know if you've thought about this yet… but that means, for the last 50 years, this demon prince has had influence over… more or less, over, y'know, 50% of the heroes and villains that have entered the field. And that includes working at the guild.
a. that includes you, so it seems like he's done a shitty job at corrupting this school since you are completely on board with helping stop him
b. from episode 1:
>Three out of every five professional heroes and villains have walked Wiggenstaff‘s halls.
"more or less over 50%" that's fully 60% you nerd learn basic math bitch
>Argo: Well, I think we need to go to Higglemas. Give him the apple. That‘s the whole reason we went out on our mission. Give him the apple, change the dog back into his brother, and… that seems to me that that‘s proof positive that we‘re on the side of the… pardon me, Althea – the angels.
>Fitzroy: Sure.
>Althea: I'm not offended. I'm not really an angel, Argo. You know that, right?
now that griffin actually has a clear problem in front of him ("we can't go back to the school because we are now known to the demon prince (that i guess we are just fucking accepting is reality with no in-universe actual confirmation fuck i'm still so annoyed by that) so what do we do to protect ourselves") he's engaged and keeps throwing out ideas after travis desperately comes up with a reason why they won't work. his newest idea is to use the bureaucracy of the HOG to their advantage, bog down the school in citations to keep the DP distracted while they figure something out. to which travis has althea reply:
>Althea: I… [sighs] I have noticed quite a few violations around the school. Usually, it‘s minor stuff that normally, we would let slide, but I could get, uh… y'know, a handful of other inspectors there, and really red tape the hell out of it.
first of all, YOU ARE AN INSPECTOR YOU DO IT. second, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU NORMALLY LET IT SLIDE IS THIS A RIGID BUREAUCRACY OR NOT
great, whatever internal timer is going on in travis's head finally dinged and he's forcing his cutscene. wis save failures mean argo and firbolg sprint out of the tavern because i guess the wards don't stop magic
you know what would be a way more engaging way to play this out? if he borrowed vampire rules for demons (well here they would now be devils but who gives a fuck, not travis) and said that they can't enter domains without permission. the whispering shadow that begs to be let in, will promise anything, say anything, is fucking fun. to be tempted, cajoled, and threatened is fun. random mind control in the face of protective magic is stupid.
>Voice: We are here for the Firbolg, Fitzroy, and Argonaut Keene. Send out Fitzroy, or we will burn the building down with everyone inside!
this is exceptionally stupid because why would you not start with setting the building on fire and forcing them out. he also deploys another voice filter here, its a pitched down vocal track that's then been duplicated and pitched down further, with some reverb behind it maybe. it might be the echo effect instead, it has kind of a robotic-y tail-end. he should be using reverb here, echo is for robot voices, reverb gives you cool cosmic voice. this voice kind of sounds like zurg from buzz lightyear
>Griffin: I discreetly look through a window.
>Travis: Uh, make a stealth check for me.
>Griffin: Eventually, we‘re gonna use some skills that I am good at. Um… 13.
>Travis: With a 13, you begin to peek out the window. You see the Firbolg and, uh, and Argo being held by some hulking figure. But before you can get a clear picture, a flaming projectile comes flying through the window. Make a dexterity saving throw.
hey explain to me how this is the result of a stealth check
>Travis: And if you could give me just a really good line to go to the break on, that would be just tops.
we're heading into the ads
no old ads on this one so skipping right on through. i watched The Furious in theaters last weekend. kicks ass, movies are so back. it's like what if Taken featured two liam neesons but they both actually knew how to fight and also there was no islamaphobia.
the two leads are mo tse (aka xie miao) who was a real up-and-coming child actor, starring alongside guys like jet li. took a break to grow up and go to school, he's back now and co-starring with joe taslim (2021's sub zero, or the head enforcer of the long zii in Warrior if you know ball). tse's character's daughter gets kidnapped by traffickers, and taslim plays the husband of a journalist that went missing investigating. they team up and unleash unholy kung fu on everybody and it rules. genuinely going to be a martial arts classic i think. easily the best one of this decade, although there's not exactly ripe competition lol. the guy who played mad dog in the raid is also here, god bless. and brian le, the bald security guard from everything everywhere all at once, i'm glad those youtube guys are getting work, i really enjoyed his performance here as well. you'd think they'd have run out of creative ways to inflict harm on a human body using your fists, but there's several new ones here i've never seen before and its awesome. fucking peak.
i also saw Obsession last weekend too, and that was also very fun, in a different way.
back from the ads, travis interrupts what griffin is doing to provide us with this critical information:
>Travis: Uh, I should also say, while this is happening, Mimi, Rhodes, and Moon are moving the handful of other patrons of the bar, like, to one side, towards the back. Towards, y'know, the back exit.
that's fucking right, three people have just been sitting silently here this whole time despite some pretty major revelations that directly impact them. but thank god, they're leaping into action now to help protect the other patrons. wait...other patrons?
ah, rechecking the transcript, the bar is only mostly empty, there are "two or three" other patrons here, at the only protected building in town. and rhodes et al are herding them toward the exit. sure. why the fuck not. it could be a cool moment where they turn on the players and demand they give themselves but this is fine too.
>Travis: Snippers sees a… pit fiend, holding both Argo and the Firbolg, as well as two Erinyeses flanking him. The pit fiend.
it's like i'm fucking there.
yeah now that he's doing more pit fiend voice its 100% an echo and not a reverb and it sounds bad because he sounds like a cyborg not a demon. demonic voices are hands down the easiest sort of vocal effect you can do in audacity it's actually pretty fucking nuts he botched this.
travis is trying to do a dramatic countdown from 60 for fitzroy to exit and that's both too long for a dramatic countdown and also its fucking lame dude. a big scary demon monster should not be dramatically counting. fitzroy comes out "disguised as hieronymous". he does not have the disguise person spell. travis lets him roll for this anyway and griffin gets a 20 so get ready for the least enjoyable version of dnd.
>Pit Fiend: Uh… ye—how—okay. Well, I'm—he isn't coming out, so I'm gonna… kill the Firbolg?
fucking awesome, travis "gives" griffin this 20 and then
>Travis: You see the pit fiend kind of look at you harder, and say…
>Pit Fiend: [laughs] Welcome to the party, Fitzroy.
no further rolls, he just figures it out. fuck dude.
ah, travis justifies this by citing that the pit fiend has True Sight. which is true, however, the text of true sight is:
>If you have Truesight, your vision is enhanced within a specified range. Within that range, your vision pierces through the following:
>Darkness. You can see in normal and magical Darkness.
>Invisibility. You see creatures and objects that have the Invisible condition.
>Visual Illusions. Visual illusions appear transparent to you, and you automatically succeed on saving throws against them.
>Transformations. You discern the true form of any creature or object you see that has been transformed by magic.
>Ethereal Plane. You see into the Ethereal Plane.
since fitzroy is not actually casting an illusion there is no relevance here. he shouldn't have allowed the performance roll to begin with but now that you have (and for whatever reason set the DC at below 20) you have to honor the fucking roll you freak.
they're in initiative, i'm not going to bother tracking it because this does not fucking matter. but travis does end up describing the erinyes, thank goodness. let's see what our masterful dm says:
>Travis: So, up first is Erinyes number one! Now, for anyone who doesn‘t know, an Erinyes, uh, some might confuse for an angel. But they are not! They are winged women, but their wings are like a cool red thing, and they're like, demons and stuff.
fucking amazing. you know, wings but like a cool red thing. here's the official artwork on dndbeyond
if i could so humbly do some punchup on our dear brother's words, i might call the wings blood red, i might mention the armor, maybe with some whimsical adjective like onyx black and say it glimmers darkly. i might say she has a porcelain face that is equal parts beautiful and alien. and of course, they're like, demons and stuff.
i am not going to transcribe this ass but travis is calling them "erinyes number 1" and "erinyes number 2" and the rich "swing from the chandeliers" description has been "she attacks with her longsword (x3)"
oh fucking sick hahaha travis obviously didn't balance the encounter that's self evident, but he realizes he's doing too much damage midway through so the second erinyes only takes one of her three multi-attacks for no reason and then argo gets to go.
>Clint: I'm… uh, I think he‘s gonna just… [laughs] He‘s standing right next to the uh, to the pit fiend, correct?
>Travis: Yes, correct.
earlier:
>Travis: Snippers sees a… pit fiend, holding both Argo and the Firbolg, as well as two Erinyeses flanking him. The pit fiend.
>Clint: Um, yeah. I—because, finally, he can. Um… and uh, it‘s—he‘s got two weapon fighting, which he can take. So he‘s gonna attack with Florence in one hand, and… he‘s gonna stab for the eyes.
people have previously told me that dual wield is a fighter feat so what do we think he means here.
also (like griffin in a sec) i have pulled up the statblock of the pit fiend and i gotta say, this visual is extremely underwhelming. i have been imagining the pit lords from warcraft all these years, what do you mean pit fiends are just like generic looking devil guys. this game sucks.
>Griffin: Guys, I just Googled ‗pit fiend 5e,‘ and then I shit my butt off into my pants. We ain't gon—we‘re not gonna kill this motherfucker.
>Justin: Am I still being held?
>Travis: Uh, you—the charm spell on you has also broken.
>Justin: But am I physically being held, or am I just like, chilling?
>Travis: Uh… you are… just chilling.
generational run of words here
griffin references, uh, i guess a meme from some home shopping network video, "the tip of that juuuust got me O'Dell"
i only bring this up because again, this is the guy who fucking loses his shit if someone references a popular movie from the 80s but i guess in his head everyone in the world loves 90s era Cutlery Corner Network.
>Fitzroy: Uh, is this like a ‗you guys are gonna kill us‘ thing, or is this a ‗you guys are going to like, kidnap us and take us to your leader‘ type thing?
>Pit Fiend: Well, first, we will have some fun, and then, we will take you to our boss.
>Fitzroy: Okay, well let me just like… I bet your boss doesn‘t want me dead. And I have – let me check – ‗bout three squirts of blood left in me. So there is no more fun to be had with me. Um, I… surrender! And I think my friends here will also, and let us go in peace.
>Pit Fiend: Well, then, we will shift our focus to a different toy.
>Fitzroy: But the—I—come on. You're wasting daylight. I really think we should just kind of go.
>Travis: Roll… uhh… and I'm gonna tell you, pretty high… persuasion check.
>Griffin: I have plus six persuasion. So I'm feeling pretty good about that. Yes sir! 16 plus six, 22.
>Travis: No.
>Griffin: You're kidding me!!
>Travis: I said it‘s really high.
>Justin: He did say it‘s pretty high.
>Griffin: Okay. Um…
>Justin: You said it‘s pretty high, not really high.
>Travis: Not impossible.
>Justin: I guess it could‘ve happened.
>Travis: Yeah. You're up, Griffin.
griffin rages and his surge gives him 1d10 necrotic damage to everyone within 30 feet of him and grants him temp hp equal to damage dealt.
>Travis: Yeah, I didn‘t count the glowing eyes. They are outside of a 30 foot radius.
the glowing eyes are over 30 feet away. they are in the middle of town btw.
>Justin: Eight to ten feet. I can do that. Okay. I'm gonna jump on the face of the pit fiend.
>Travis: Give me an acrobatics check.
ah now i understand my confusion. this makes sense when i'm picturing the absolute mammoth pit lords from warcraft, but justin is having firbolg, someone who is between 7 and 8 feet tall, jump onto the face of a pit fiend, which is between 8 and 10 feet tall. with an acrobatics check. goo goo ga ga ass campaign.
the glowing eyes resolve themselves as six hell hounds that i guess were hanging out somewhere 30 feet from them
thank fucking god travis has his needledrop npc arrival moment and we can move the fuck on
>Travis: First is Bloodhawk Barb. She‘s removed her glasses, and has donned her signature helmet. It is forged in the shape of a hawk, with the wings curving down the sides of her head. Her all-white eyes scan the scene in perfect synchronicity with her bloodhawk familiar flying overhead. She reaches behind her back and draws two sickles as her pace quickens.
>Next comes the Avenging Angel. Her armor, as well as her scimitar, glow with an inherent radiance. She leaps into the air, and much to your surprise, hovers above you.
>Finally, an eight foot beast stands to its full height. The shape is not familiar, but the armor is. Where the chainmail had seemed ill-fitting in his human form, it fits Moon‘s werebear form just fine.
what i love about this is that despite this being travis's favorite thing, his descriptions are still really fucking bad? nothing about barb's barely described fit really codes as villain, i don't know how anyone is observing both her eyes and her hawk familiar, and also it is once more stupid that she has a seeing eye hawk and it lets her look with her actual eyes somehow. "inherent radiance" is a fucking stupid term. notice how none of his descriptions actually describe the armor they're wearing, because he's incapable of actually picturing anything. it looks exactly like you think it does. also moon the sidekick is here now. rhodes and mimi? don't worry about it.
>Travis: Uh, after touching your shoulder, Althea continues on and plows directly into one of the Erinyeses, pulling them away from the fight. And then, you see Bloodhawk Barb come rushing in, and she jumps and plants the points of both sickles into the Erinyes‘ guts, pulling her down to the ground, and the two begin to punch and wrestle there.
>And you see Moon wade into the onslaught of hellhounds, and begin throwing them and fighting them, six hellhounds to one werebear, leaving the three of you versus the pit fiend.
just fully in fanfic land now. whatever.
>Travis: And we‘re back up at the top. This time, we‘ll start with Argo. We‘ll let the NPCs fight their own battles. It‘s really cool, though. I want everyone to picture—aw, it‘s pretty cool!
my vape fell out of my pocket when i went to see obsession so i don't i can't get fucking stoned for this and it sucks
clint is dipping his sword in the arsenic they took from the hospital and travis decides that means his attack has an extra d10 damage. i am seeing the bones of what the finale was described like taking form here, like this is bullshit but its bullshit in the face of all the other bullshit travis is pulling so sure whatever. the damage doesn't matter because the pit fiend has 300 hp and there's a second cutscene in the wings getting ready to be launched. of course travis has no issue saying ok to this despite
>Griffin: [laughing] As far as I can tell, this is permanent. I was so excited to roll on this table. On an 11 to 12, roll a d10. Your height changes by a number of inches equal to the roll. If the roll is odd, you shrink. If the roll is even, you grow.
>Travis: Okay.
>Griffin: [laughs]
>Justin: Real quick, how—just for—how tall are you now?
>Griffin: Uh, how tall is Fitzroy? I mean, he‘s half elven, but he‘s kind of built. I would say like, five eight. Like, he‘s not the biggest fella, but he‘s uh… he‘s got muscles to spare. I'm fucking terrified of this roll.
griffin is legitimately giddy about this and like, i guess good for him, but also like....why. its fun to get random magical effects sure, but like this is....well hold on actually, griffin does think this is a huge deal as we see in suffering game where he thinks a bunch of meaningless aesthetic changes equal nerfing a character, and in ethersea where he bans clint from increasing his height for no reason at all.
>Griffin: I guess—everybody, I assume, for the next round of combat, takes a moment to appreciate the fact that I just grew eight fucking inches.
griffin just shot a lightning orb out of his hands at a demon but he thinks growing 8 inches is the fucking craziest thing that's ever happened i don't know what's going on in that head of his. this is legitimately the most fun i've ever heard him have on this podcast. its weird.
>Travis: I think the pit fiend, at this point, has realized that this is not, uh, the cake walk that maybe he suspected it would be. And you hear him yell…
>Pit Fiend: [unintelligible; like audio being played backwards]
>Travis: And two more pit fiends step from the darkness.
>Griffin: Too many. I surrender again.
>Justin: Way too many. Double surrender.
>Travis: And Althea turns to you and says…
>Althea: They're not gonna stop until they have you! You need to run! We‘ll hold them off! Run!
fucking great now i'm going to have to go back and actually track the damage to see how fucking stupid this sentence is.
Call Lightning with a saved dex: 8 damage
Chromatic orb: 12 damage
Pulling firbolg off his face: 5 damage
Argo's poisoned rapier: 20 damage
Fitz maul: 17 damage
Fitz necrotic surge: 6 damage
For 68 total damage. The pit fiend is at 232.
i also love that the implication here is that they were just chilling in the shadows. no cool demon portal or burst of infernal flame. they just step forward. to quote justin:
>Justin: Come onnn. Alright, that‘s fine. I don‘t even give a shit anymore.
jesus christ.
>Travis: You run hard and fast. And at first, it seems like you have left the battle behind – but then, you hear the snarls of hellhounds on your heels. But then you hear a different sound. And it would be easy to mistake it for a storm rolling in. But after a moment, you're able to distinguish two very distinct sounds.
>First, the sound of wings. Very large wings, beating against the air. Then, the sound of powerful hooves pounding the ground. First, a powerful looking black shire horse with white wings and white leg markings runs next to you. Then, a spirited blue roan Peruvian paso with gray, silvery wings runs on your right. They are being led by a white Arabian Pegasus. She is scarred, and beautiful, and Firbolg… you would know her anywhere. Breeze Through the Willows stops beside you, Firbolg, and you hear in your mind…
>Breeze Through the Willows [sounding exactly like travis]: Get on! We have to hurry!
i first of all do not think three horses could be mistaken for a storm. but let's set that aside for the moment, are these pegasus galloping or are they flying? why is there the sound of both hooves and wings.
second, holy shit dude. hahahah no way. he just starts naming horse breeds???? does nua have a peru and arabia?? what the fuck is this lmao. what the shit. and now breeze through the willow is a telepath i guess. she used to talk with her horse mouth.
>Justin: Come onnn. Alright, that‘s fine. I don‘t even give a shit anymore.
I just finished listening to episode one of Caldwell Tanner’s new child friendly D&D podcast and not one swear was left in the edit. How could he do that to our good good boyz, people will start to wonder if they’re incompetent. I demand a notes app apology and for Caldwell to share a libertarian political position of his choice in the next episode as recompense.
Woof woof!
Hey folks I'm recollecting about how Lucretia totally let Magnus get a way with the cold blooded murder of 2 of her hired guards. And the thought came to me - what if that wasn't the first time?
Now I'm suddenly considering that maybe there was never the threat of The Hunger at all, and Lucretia kept having to change people's memories because Magnus kept Lennie from Of Mice And Men-ing people on the various planets they were visiting?
Anyway, kind of fu~nny that nothing came of the men Magnus killed and secreted, which means their families don't even get the benefit of forgetting like Boylands did.
...
Anyway, Balance means more to me that 99% of my blood relations, including my kids. Hope you enjoyed it too!
Did anybody catch how >!wait how do i do spoilers on mobile hang on let me switch to my computer !< My theory is>!Gary the Gargoyle is like that meme where someone asks to stop for McDonalds and their mom says they have McDonalds at home but the McDonalds is like a piece of ambiguous meat between two slices of bread.. but it's Barry Bluejeans instead of McDonalds and Gary the Gargoyle is the Baarry bluejeans at home.!<My evidence for this is >!the voices are the same (but also I'm deaf so I'm not the most reliable source on that one) and the alliterative names. Is this anything? I havent listened to this podcast in years I just thought about it after watching that "when your boyfriend picks the podcast" video someone posted in here a couple days ago. Sorry this heatwave is really getting to me.!<Thoughts?
Anyone else catch the detail how in Stolen Century >!none of what they said or did is actually real? That I could make up a bunch of shit right now and everyone would buy it because it's not hard to zone it all out. And that Griffin pulls the same move in every homebrew season of his, so of course Magic Has Consequences is going to be his theme no matter what?!< Anyway the brand is dying so all we can do is salvage the detritus of it now, thanks!
