u/Adorable-Fact4378

I love it so much, it's my favorite thing in the whole world to not be able to regulate which causes blow ups and acting out!! I see one little thing and my brain says one little whisper of a thought and I'm spiraling like something intentional and awful happened!!! Yay!

I'm 26, autistic, bpd, cPTSD, ADHD, major depressive disorder, and generalized anxiety, along with type 1 diabetes and suspected Ehlers Danlos. I spent my entire childhood being used as a weapon against my mother by my father. I failed every milestone I was meant to hit because I wasn't being cared for properly, I was being used up until I was literally abandoned at 14. I was ridiculed, judged, made fun of, bullied, and under developed. Now I'm a disabled adult, without proper disability, and the people I'm dependent on expect far too much of me. They expect things I cannot do, such as work. I cannot even care for myself or my living space properly. I'm far too depressed and in a chronic state of burnout. I have zero will to live and I do not want to. I barely have a drive to improve my mental health anymore. I am barely hanging on, and the only reason I am is for my partner. Everything I do is for my partner. I haven't killed myself because of my partner. But now, I'm being pushed to try to be a proper adult when I have zero shot. And I know I have zero shot. What do they want me to do? Try and fail, just to show them? Please. I literally asked today to be taken to Europe for assisted suicide genuinely. It is what I want at this point. My 13 year old sister thinks she will have to care for me when she's an adult because of the state I'm in and apparently has meltdowns over it regularly. Mom dropped this bombshell as if it would result in kicking me into gear. That's a joke. No, I immediately default to "I want to die." So, assisted suicide is what it will be, or it'll be by my hand. Obviously I am a burden no matter how many times people say I am not, because shit like this always pops up eventually. The snail pace progress I make isn't enough or impactful enough to matter, it needs to be something big and pretty like a GED. Post worthy. No thank you. Even if I did, it's not going to magically make me want to live. I have NO drive. I only exist because I'm not allowed to kill myself, but I am tired and I am losing patience, so eventually it'll come to a breaking point and there will be no me anymore.

TnB refuses to save outfit two days in a row

App doesn't have an update, what do I do? :/ missed out on getting a rucolor epic hair I've been waiting to get forever because it didn't give me tokens for yesterday and now won't save my crystal look

I'm fucking tired of living and existing just to feel like I'm not enough and can't do anything right, or meet the expectations people have of me. Why do I try when all that happens is everyone express their disappointment in me every single day? I'm gonna fucking hurt myself. I want to die

I worked my fucking ass off to lose every ounce of progress and regress fully from remission back to split episodes every fucking night. I'm over this shit. I'm over my chronic illnesses, I'm over trying to survive, just live another day! I don't want to fucking be here anymore!!! I've NEVER wanted to be here but for some goddamn reason we aren't allowed to put ourselves down the way we do our pets when they're not feeling well and aren't getting the quality of life they deserve! What the fuck about me, a higher intelligence being than an animal, I can outline WHY I should be put down like a sick fucking dog, I'm chronically ill with various incurable diseases along with this bullshit CURSE and I'm fucking miserable all the goddamn time. I refuse to be a cog in the machine and I don't fucking care if I end up being a statistic I FUCKING HATE IT HERE. I shouldn't deal with all this fucked up trauma I have because my father is a fuckass dickwad and abused me my whole fucking life and caused all this shit, I don't function in society or even as an adult, all I do is cause problems and I just want to fucking DIE, none of this should be my fucking responsibility I didn't ASK to be here!!! And all I do is leech and hurt and be too much. Can't be too happy or else I'd WANT to live, can't have that!! I FUCKING HATE IT HERE

Why do I have to be so sensitive and such a crybaby? I have everything I could ever want back in my life, and yet I carry so much pain. It hurts so much. My chest hurts, I'm emotionally exhausted and hurting. My chest, it feels like it's caving in. It is so painful all the time. I don't know why I have to be unbearable and too much and overwhelming to those around me AND myself on top of all the hurt I carry around. I want to heal, but I hurt. I HURT, everything hurts

Been on the mobi for two months and have had two DKA events. Starting to develop extreme anxiety surrounding being high in the event that it is a pump/infusion site messing up. For instance I'm 542 right now because I didn't dose correctly and I'm on my period so the hormonal changes in my body probably aren't helping, but I'm anxious about it being a faulty infusion site instead, and how would I know until I develop ketones/symptoms of DKA? I'm feeling incredibly stressed and I'm noticing an anxiety pattern. Anyone else? What helps?

Ironically when I used the Libre 3, the low sugar alert was so terrible that I developed low sugar anxiety and avoided lows as much as possible solely because the alert hurt my ears and head, caused migraines sometimes. I was also MDI during that time. Just thought it was interesting how I react to different medical devices. Overall, not great. Debilitating anxiety is awful. Can't wait for a cure

Anyone else deal with some intense medical anxiety while also being chronically ill especially with diagnoses that require some invasive things?

I'm a type 1 diabetic as example and I use an insulin pump. I've gotten almost hospital level sick twice over the span of two months using a pump vs getting that sick on injections once over ten years. I'm thinking about swapping back to my manual injections. The medical anxiety I experience surrounding avoiding hospitals and the base anxiety I feel just being responsible for a medical device and micromanaging my body?? It's awful.

I'm supposed to get labs once a year but I fight so hard to push it back as far as I possibly can because of how stressful labs are for me. I HATE needles. I hate vaccines. I get vaccines more than I do labs. The anxiety is so bad, I feel physical symptoms regularly. Belly issues, brain fog, shaking, adrenaline dumps. It overpowered a prescribed Xanax FOR a blood draw.

It took me two hours to just get out of the car, into the building, into the doctor's office, into the chair, every step was a fight. I know it's so frustrating and time consuming. I did the exact same thing during surgery prep, where they had to gas me before they could even get an IV in. I begged them to gas me! So I could do an IV! It was another fight every step, getting in the gown, taking the pre-surgery meds, my pre-surgery insulin as well. It was so time consuming. I'm debilitated by anxiety in medical settings.

I take anxiety meds too, I'm on Zoloft 100mg...

And obviously it's the weekend and the pharmacy won't be open until Monday. What can I do? I'm on the mobi pump paired with dexcom g7. Can I restart it somehow? I have a meter to check manually. How does that work? Do I just use the calibrate function? I've been so overwhelmingly depressed that I've checked out of reality and now I'm out of cgm and not sure how to manage this

One of these nights it's going to become too much. I'm going to snap and just end it. I'm getting worse, I'm losing impulse control, I can't stop myself trying to add and beg my partner to take me back. I need to stop I need to respect them, I need to leave them alone but my heart hurts so much, and I'm not able to stop staring at their accounts. I want to stop. I know what I'm doing is hurting any future chances but part of me doesn't even want to find out, I just want to end it. I hate being alive. I hate dealing with all of my sicknesses and problems and trauma. I hate it. I don't see a point in me living

Pure desperation had me adding my partner back begging them to try again. I'm so stupid. Sobbing and wailing, begging. That's so embarrassing. But it's true I just want them back. They're the only reason I ever felt safe in this world. My grief is too much my self medication isn't working. I don't get high I just cry harder. I miss them. Their voice. Watching them play games. Watching movies and shows with them. I'm covered in sweat and tears and snot. I'm a mess. I'm a mess without them. Please help me

Please fill the comments with anything that's helped you. I'm not doing well. Really not doing well

I don't know how many people will recognize me, but I've been consistently posting here for awhile now and I've not been doing well at all. Lots of feeling of doom, hopelessness. My fp left me. My soulmate...

I just wanted to share, I have an appointment with a new therapist next Tuesday, and am trying to find a psychiatrist. Part of my hangup was that I didn't want my therapist to be a man. I have SA trauma and being alone in a room with a man is incredibly scary. But apparently this is my only option.

Also my lovely mom went to a dispensary and got me some goodies. Gonna try and spend my time with my eyes bloodshot from weed instead of from crying for hours. Hopefully my emotions don't override it, sometimes that happens...

I still suspect I'll be full of sorrow for a long time but hopefully it won't control me.

I miss you.

I can't drown out the noise with music, I can't distract myself with anything, I lay in bed, I cry until my chest hurts SO BADLY and then I sleep for a handful of hours from pure exhaustion. I don't know what to do. I just keep saying the same shit every night, I know there's no magic answer. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't know how much more I can break every fucking night. I want things to be better. I want normal. I fucking hate being abandoned and being aware that it's my fucking fault, it always was. My fuckass dad made it so clear to me that I'm the problem and I'm broken and I'm too much to handle and that no one wants me and he's right he's always been right. I'm just a fucking failure and I let everyone down and I disappoint people over and over. That's all I ever do and all I ever will do. I don't bring anything good to anyone and everyone should remove me from their life and leave me to rot on my own in this stupid pit I always dig myself into. Breathing is sooo hard right now. Why do I do this to myself why does it always happen this way I can't handle it anymore I have nothing and I am nothing and I've never mattered, I've always known. I can't do this I can't do it anymore

Four years ago I went through a messy breakup that destroyed me for an entire year. I cried every day for hours on end. Now... Similar situation, crying every day for hours on end. My gecko passed away, which didn't help. Pharmacy was out of one of my meds so that didn't help either. I'm autistic, dysregulated, burnt out, skill regressing, depressed, falling apart over and over and over. Is grief just... Impossible? To work through? I can't do this. I'm exhausted, sick and tired. All I want is my fp back the way it was before I fell apart. I snowballed. I was never that great but I finally broke a few weeks ago and it's been so, so hard since then.

I'm tired of it, I'm tired of just existing instead of living. I'm tired of my type 1 diabetes and the shots and the pump infusion sites and the cgms and micromanaging my body and/or what I eat because I don't want to take insulin. I'm tired of the scar tissue build up. I'm tired of the bruises. I'm tired of the migraines that are so bad all I can do is lay in bed in the dark and quiet, and the way my knees and back hurt so badly all I can do is lay here and cry. I'm tired of getting psoriasis patches on my skin. I'm tired of doctors not really hearing me when I voice my concerns. I'm tired of suffering and feeling unwell. I'm tired of my stomach hurting and making me sick randomly. I'm tired of over the counter bandaid pills that don't fix the problem just relieve my symptoms for a short while. I'm tired of the depression that comes along with all of this, the woe is me, the victimizing, I try so hard to cope with it, the whole "I'm a chronically ill baddie" act is just a mask. I'm so tired. I'm exhausted of falling apart and picking up my pieces and getting up just to fall apart again. And again and again. I don't want to rely on supplements and aids and medication and devices. I just want to feel better. Why is that so much to ask for?

Oh no. Not me writing another post. Sigh.

I feel incredibly empty and hopeless. I just want to feel normal. Better. Healthier. I am beginning to believe I'll never improve and feel better.

There's a deep, painful hole in my chest. I'm debilitated with emotions I can't shake or distract from. I'm bedridden and I can't nap. I just doom scroll for hours.

I only want one persons attention. And every notification makes me jump, hoping it's them. My suicidal ideation is... Beyond ideation. I'm very unwell. I've been unwell for a very long time and I just want to finally succumb to it and rest. Find peace out of this world

Lost my fp and I'm spending most of my time now alone, self isolating. People are better off without me