r/BorderlinePDisorder

Do some of you also have to thought that you will die young? Not necessarily because of suicide but it’s just a feeling that I won’t grow really old

Hi, I don't have BPD but my friend does, and I've known her for a long time, and I used to help her with a lot of her problems, but she's been doing really bad recently and started to complain to me again.

But I just can't fucking do it anymore, it's not her fault I get that, and I want the best for her, but she just won't help herself, and I'm so scared that if I leave, it'll end in either her badmouthing me and lying to other people, or she'll be incredibly depressed, or she might end her life, and I don't want that at all.

Please, any advice would be welcome, and I'm sorry if this isn't the right subreddit for it.

In your opinions, what’s the worse experience about having BPD, or what’s the worse symptom?

For me it’s the codependency and the sheer panic and collapsing of my world when someone I love walks away and abandons me where I stand. Not to be dramatic but it’s what I imagine dying feels like.

When I try to look this up I only find "how to deal with your bpd partner cheating". But this isnt my situation, one that is causing me like 11:59 doomsday clock, defcon 1, full runaway reactor meltdown, code red, bedlam, 10/10 pain. Like full maxed out mental and physical torture.

I am the one with bpd, and my partner cheated on me. NOT the other way around.

And holy fucking shit. My blood feels like its been replaced by lava. I have nightmares all the time. I fully zone out in "you shouldnt be fucking zoning out" situations. I OBSESS over this constantly and this happened in March. (Not even a week after my birthday)

Now I got a bunch of other diagnosis. (Adhd, ocd, cptsd) and I was like the clingiest guy ever. I would get frustrated at the amount of time between responses. Which made me mad because I knew it was completely reasonable but also a super heated feeling of hot pain would shoot through my chest and then id get a little delusional and id start acting stupid and regret it and I did this a shit ton.

Then idk one day I was fighting the urge as hard as I could. My brain was spoon feeding itself fears of cheating and stuff and id have to overwrite it because like, come on. I trust my partner, why would she be my partner if I couldnt. Then... a few days after she admitted what she did... and like... how will I EVER be able to "seize the reigns" ever again? I was trying to tell my brain "her cheating is silly, I love and trust her so i should act that way" only for that bad part of my brain TO BE RIGHT! Its wrong sooooo many times, but HOW CAN I EVER CONVINCE MYSELF ITS WRONG EVER AGAIN??

She promptly blocked me after... and holy fuck... I haven't been doing good.

First of all, I am being so foolish.

My whole life ive never been interested in casual stuff, I wanted to only ever get intimate with people I love. And after this I kind of... went off the deep end. I have had intimate experiences with people I barely know. I shot up from a body count of 1 to like 7. And I regret all of them, even the first one... because she cheated on me.

I am so uncomfortable with my own actions.

And aside from that, I am being quite unethical towards her. And I dont want to be, but my veins and organs feel like they get bloated with super heated steam unless I make an attempt to contact her, but she made it CLEAR she doesn't want to talk. But I want the torture to go away. So I make new accounts. I am harassing her.

But she doesn't respond, so i insult her and degrade her, that used to work, but not anymore.

I feel like im actually out of control, like Im spectating myself autonomously take drastic actions to make her acknowledge me. But its not worth it, I feel terrible, she probably feels worse, and im like playing Russian roulette every time because 3 months after she definitely has enough emails and texts and shit to start some kind of legal charge against me

In the end... my brain and organs are like OVERFLOWING with battery acid and hot molten lead and nails and glass its all pumping through me and I feel like doing WHAT IT TAKES to make her remember my existence is the only thing to make it go away. And also relations with women I dont know or dont love that I regret heavily are all stacking up on me and idk I know time will eventually allow me to heal, but rn I feel crazy and reckless and scary to specifically her and I don't like it. But I ALSO DONT LIKE THE EXTREME PHYSICAL MIND RENDING PAIN AND AGONY SHE PUT ME THROUGH. I literally feel like trust will never ever ever exist for me in a while ever again... so basically im in a lose/lose go fuck yourself situation.

Idk even really know what im asking anymore.

I 22F was recently diagnosed with bpd. However since I was 17 I was certain I had it, I had a period of denial of any mental illness from 18-20. When I turned 21 my life turned upside down. I was in drug induced psychosis fueled by my addiction to alcohol and snow. I've since broken the snow addiction (2 years since consistent use) Recently I guess my friends discussed it amongst themselves and came to the conclusion I am a bad friend, mostly led by my addiction to alcohol. Having bpd on top of an addiction is an experience hard to put into words. My alcoholism is normalized to me. I've gotten in bad states with multiple groups of people, so when it happens it doesn't feel like an "always" thing to them. But my long term friends obviously experienced it a lot more often. It's been months since I was at a group outing, since I've spoken to more than one of them at once. It's taken this long for me to finally sit and think about the things I've done and the friend I was. On one hand I have many people in my life telling me they weren't the people for me anyway. But it's hard not to think about the things I did to make someone feel that way regardless. Their complaints consisted mostly of frustrations with the symptoms of someone with bpd. I'm constantly reminded of how shitty they think I am for the men I chose to be around. That I don't text for days or always seem to be depressed. I try not to just make excuses and make myself sound like the victim. But it's hard when it feels like there's constantly 2 of you in your head fighting with eachother. It's upsetting I'm made to feel like my addiction is a flawed character trait of my being. That people think because I refuse to stop drinking it means I refuse to be better for them. Like it's a personal attack on them. Why can't you just stop? Can't you just drink water? You need to stop I can't help but feel like all I can say is "I know". Like I find it hard to understand why they can't see this is no longer a choice for me. I don't want to be this way. I wish it was as easy as "just stop". I can completely understand why people would just simply be tired of it. And that people simply don't want to get better. I've been going to 2 therapists(one of them being in an addiction recovery program),I've been seeing a psychiatrist, a nurse and taking my meds consistently while upping my dosage. Yet they still told me "you don't even try to get better you don't want to get help" All I do is try to get help. I'm a regular on the suicide hotline. I'm honest with my therapists and psychiatrists so I get the care I actually need. I guess I just wanna say I fucking hate alcohol

i feel hopeless and terrible, yet relieved at the same time. i finally have an answer to my problems, but it was the worst answer i could get. this whole time, i was on antidepressants to deal with my anxiety and depression, and it wasn't until 4 hours ago i got diagnosed with BPD and realized that my depression and anxiety was being caused by that. i feel hopeless.

My therapist is kinda flirting with me. I do like him and I always talk to him about my dating life, how I’m really obsessed with wanting to get married, my abandonment issues, etc. He compliments me a lot saying I’m a beautiful woman, I have a lot to offer, I’m smart and intelligent, he wants to see my college graduation pictures since I’m graduating in a month, and wants to take me out for Chinese. Anyway, I do like him as a therapist and I really do want a long term relationship bc I’ve never been in one. But I don’t want him to lose his job and license. What should I do?

Personally, I can't relate to most depictions of BPD as being emotional and clinging to people. I dont cling, people actually repulse me. My BPD presents as impulsivity and internalized stuff. Anger issues. Splitting.

I'm unsure of why i am repulsed by people. It feels disgusting, having someone want to be close to me. Caring in a way I cannot care back. I do have the tism, so it could be related to that

Anyone else?

my sister (18) has suspected i (15) have bpd for some time. i've looked through many websites, took numerous online tests that said i did (91/100), and read things from people who have had friends with bpd. looking at the things people have gone through with people with bpd hurts really bad, i realize i do treat people like that and i'm not a good person. every time i get told no i have this stupid urge to go to the bridge again and sometimes even threaten to hurt myself or worse, i manipulate and tear down others automatically without noticing, constantly test boundaries, and so much more.

my dad is looking for a therapist for me (haha it'll probably end up like him looking for a job hhabaaaa he's been unemployed for 3 months in an economy like THIS dd d dhdbsbsja), but until that happens i need advice on how to be a better person.

i really want to be a better brother and friend. i've lost countless friends and partners because of how i am and i don't want to hurt anyone ever again.

Hey everyone, I’m 18F and currently stuck in a really frustrating diagnostic process between BPD and bipolar disorder. I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s experienced something similar.

I was diagnosed with ADHD last year and did well on dexamphetamine. This year I started uni, was sleeping only \~4 hours/night for about 6 weeks, became very depressed around exams, then impulsively spent \~$3,000 on a trip to Melbourne. After my exams were deferred, my depression suddenly disappeared.
Soon after, I stayed awake for \~90 hours without feeling tired, walking 30-40k steps a night. My psychologist sent me to the ER, and I was admitted to a psych ward with suspected hypomania. However, I was discharged after 5 days with a diagnosis of “personality disturbances” instead. My ADHD medication was stopped.
After discharge I stayed awake another 48 hours, became extremely agitated with racing thoughts, repeatedly called the ward overnight, and threatened my psychiatrist. (Reflecting yes I was a bit dramatic) Since then I’ve had huge mood swings, impulsively gone to Melbourne again and spent thousands, become obsessed with researching psychiatry, and had a violent fight with my parents.
My private psychiatrist thinks it’s BPD with potential bipolar but said he was unsure I was having a hypomanic episode because I had “too much insight.”

I honestly don’t care whether it’s BPD or bipolar anymore—I’m just exhausted from all this and feel like im going in circles and not actually reaching any sort of conclusion/ treatment

I was reeling for hours afterwards (and clearly still a week later now). Had a small(ish) breakdown once we got back to my place. It’s still a pretty new relationship (2.5 months) and I’m worried about unravelling; he hasn’t seen me like this before.

Why did I watch that movie?! Or at least look it up first

Fuckin hell, why do so many people on psychologytoday ignore your emails? I could be in an extreme mental health crisis and finally have found the courage to reach out to someone, just for me to not hear anything back.

I’ve emailed 9 people, and only one has responded. And even he only responded to tell me that they don’t accept my insurance haha.

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I recently watched Obsession and was surprised by how much of a cathartic experience I had watching it. It was still unnerving of course but it reminded me of the emotions and reactions I once had when I had BPD.

I was diagnosed with BPD in 2020 after becoming so unwell with my mental health and in 2022 I went into remission. I hated having BPD and the person I became, so I made it my mission to go into remission and release myself from the diagnosis and responses that came with that. I just wanted a happier life and to be heard - properly for once. And to do that I had to do a lot of work, especially surrounding my communication and behavior.

I always carried shame though. I couldnt feel sorry for the tortuous childhood I had and neglectful parents. I felt embarrassed that I could act in such a way so I kept it a secret.

Fast forward to the present, I have done a lot of therapy over the years, I have a healthy relationship with myself, cut contact with parents and I am in training to become a therapist. After I watched Obsession I was surprised with how much I saw myself in her. The manipulation, the sadness/anger, the control of not wanting my ex to do things outside of our relationship and although it is a past self, I felt like 'yep, that's BPD'. Im not excusing any of the toxic behaviours that came along with it Its obviously very glorified for the horror of it all, and this is just **MY OWN** experience. But I think taking the horror part out of the movie, the emotional deregulation, the outbursts and anger - I saw parts of myself in her and it made me feel empathy for anyone that still struggles with BPD. Forget the movie, but just those emotions that come out and have no other way of being expressed.

I guess I just want to say remission is possible. It is possible to feel peace, to learn how to communicate how you feel in a healthier way and also not respond in a destructive way. Not because of shame or guilt but because it is just a happier way of living. I am going to specialise in working with BPD because I know what its like first hand.

Watching that movie brought me back to my own behaviours and how hard it is to help yourself if you dont know any better/ have the right help, facilities. And although I am a different person now, I feel at peace with my journey. I had BPD, it was awful but It doesnt scare me anymore and the knowledge I have will help me help people one day too.

Edit - I have watched this movie a few times now, purely as I feel like it is healing parts of me that I was too afraid to look back on. I know when I had BPD, it would have been something I had to avoid and if I did watch it, it would probably make things a lot worse for me. I respect the people who cant watch it and have been advised not to. I would want the same advisory. Its just been interesting watching it from the other side and I pray others can experience and explore this too one day 🩷

I just came across this post made here 2 days ago where OP described being in some chatroom with someone who made a remark about how they “wish they had BPD like the cool pretty ladies”

Did I miss something??? Since when did BPD become the Cool Girl™️ mental illness? Is this a thing now or is it just that one person who thinks this?

If it is, is this the fault of that new Obsession movie or something? I haven’t seen it but I’ve seen a lot of people on SM romanticizing it and going on about how they can “tOTaLLy ReLaTe” to the the main character who (if I’m not mistaken) is supposed to be some kind of BPD allegory or something?

I’ve never really heard people talk about BPD period unless they were directly/indirectly affected and it’s usually nothing positive. So like… when did this happen?

My girlfriend was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last week.

I’d suspected for a long time that something was wrong with her mental health.

As for us, we’ve been in a relationship for 1 year and 6 months.

The beginning of the relationship—and the half-year of friendship that came before it—were very nice and pleasant.

Over time, things got worse and worse because of certain behaviors.

At first, as I said, everything was fine, but then she started having trouble sleeping if I wasn’t on the phone. Over time, it even got to the point where I couldn’t go to sleep before she did, otherwise she couldn’t either (I miss my normal sleep schedule).

Another issue is her coming over regularly—either because she’s feeling anxious or has trouble sleeping—but that’s actually gotten a little better lately

80% of the time, she comes over between 9 p.m. and 3 a.m., and honestly, that’s exhausting and unsafe

I’m always very considerate of my girlfriend and do everything in my power

I have a little quirk too, but everyone has one somewhere.

In any case, one thing that’s really tough right now is that so many people are picking on me for practically nothing.

I’ve always been more of a quiet loner—I didn’t get scolded much as a kid—and I absolutely can’t stand that it’s gotten so much worse over the last 6–7 months.

My reaction is that, out of my own inner frustration, I intentionally push it further and further, which doesn’t make the situation any better—sometimes with so much inner anger and frustration that I just punch the table or a wall (twice, even drawing a little blood).

I’m trying to change that.

But basically, I’m actually a very, very calm person and don’t usually do things like hitting unless I’m emotionally overwhelmed.

I’d describe my behavior this way: I’m calm and handle situations calmly, but I react based on the principle of cause and effect.

Of course I get annoyed when someone yells at me about three things in ten minutes.

So, in general, more and more frustration builds up, but it doesn’t go away because it doesn’t get any less—it just keeps piling up.

Yeah, I have other issues too, which is why professional help wouldn’t be a bad idea.

But my girlfriend didn’t give me an ultimatum—she just said:

“This relationship will only work if you seek help.”

I think I didn’t say anything, mainly because I was upset myself. Yes, I have aggression issues because I’ve never reached my frustration threshold and I handle it the wrong way, but I don’t need therapy for this relationship to work.

The therapist isn’t there to tell me how to deal with you (She never knows herself and just says, “You’re doing it wrong with me,” without explaining how I should do it better)

But that’s it for now—there’s more, but my hands hurt from all the typing.

My main questions are:

How can I handle her better in certain situations?

How can I step back, calm down, and then address the situation in those kinds of moments?

And do I really need to go to therapy specifically to learn how to deal with her, when the only reason I often act the way I do is simply because of how she treats me?

And it would be nice if someone would be willing to chat with me to help me deal with specific situations

P.S. I love her, but the frustration just builds up over time

.. people that they never loved their current SO/FP, that really they were just using them to feel better and has actually only ever loved this other person in the past (they were a hook up that lasted a few weeks). I wholeheartedly understand the pain people with BPD experience so this is in no way a post to demonize, I just want to understand if this is something you have experienced when splitting?

My boyfriend was in a long term relationship right before we started going out (five years.) The relationship had its ups and downs and was overall very toxic. He is much more experienced than me in many ways as he is somewhat older than me. I've always struggled with retroactive jealousy to some extent in all of my relationships but I learned to sort of deal with it. My boyfriend and I openly go through each other's phone every once in a while as we both have had some not so great relationships. A few days ago, I checked his camera roll and ended up finding a bunch of photos of his ex including videos of them being intimate. Admittedly I freaked out on him. One of the videos was from when him and I were already talking romantically. Seeing it actually in action brought it to a whole new level.

He eventually was able to calm me down but it hasn't left my thoughts since. I catch myself trying to mimic the things I saw her doing when we're intimate and I'm disgusted in myself. It's even at the point where he has called me out for initiating sex way more than usual or just straight up not acting like myself.

Part of me is scared that because his ex and the things they did together is such a big topic between us right now that he's also thinking about her. I wonder if he compares me to her as well.

I feel like I should make it clear that my boyfriend is very reassuring and honestly struggles with a lot of the same things I do so he gets it. But I know it is starting to annoy him and we have been arguing way more. I can't think of him without thinking of her. I feel gross knowing the same hands that are on me have also been on her.

I'm scared I will spiral like I have in the past and ruin the relationship due to the mere fact that I saw what I saw.

Title says all. I suspected and got diagnosed with BPD when I still identified as a woman, and it sucked then. Now that I know I'm trans, it sucks even more, especially because people see BPD as a women's thing and I barely hear anything about men with BPD. Since trans chasers and BPD fetishizers exist, I also worry about running into the worst of both worlds.

TW: Pretty heavy feelings. Don't read it if you are already feeling a bit sad. Be kind to yourself.

I'm a 20y/o and I got diagnosed by my psychologist and psychiatrist about 2 months ago. At first I had no idea what it implied, and I didn't get much of an explanation from both of the professionals that have been treating me, because, from their perspective, it'd only condition my way of acting. Because they put a name around my symptoms I decided to dive into people's opinions and experiences, which I know I shouldn't, but I wanted to understand my mind a bit better. I didn't find any comfort in it. Most redditors on the partner/friend POV talk pretty harshly about it, and it scares me to think I've been treating people so aggresively all my life without realising it. I love my friends and family to pieces and I don't want to hurt them, but all of my life I've been so dissmisive about their complaints on my violence when arguing because I couldn't percieve it, and just tonight, as I read all these posts I realised how fucking horrible I've been.

I don't want to be pitied at all. I'm not trying to sound like a 'victim of my disorder', but it's so hard to realise that I should have been more kind, and that all these people who stopped being my friends had every reason to. It's accountability but to an extreme I'd never felt before, and I can't stop crying.

I'm going to therapy and taking my meds, but this is a chronic thing, and fighting against my mind for the rest of my life feels to exhausting to try. I don't want to continue living if I have to do it this way. I'd like to have a fucking normal temper, and be capable of building healthy relationships, of constructing a family eventually and it just feels so out of my reach right now, that I truly want to give up.

All of my life I've been this hopeless romantic that truly wanted to be loved, but most of all to love someone so profoundly, but all the partner's POVs just seem so devastated and burdened, and I don't want to do that to anybody. I wanted to be a loving wife. I wanted to be a loving mother and I feel so sad that there were no users talking positively and lovingly about having a partner with bpd.

I need someone to listen please who means it. Someone who won't turn the conversation into me helping them. Just someone who listens.

I'm losing my mind I can't take it anymore