I, [20F], have been having issues with my [20M] boyfrienmd

Hey, I'm a 20F. I've been diagnosed with BPD over 4 years ago. I won't go into too much detail about my childhood, but here's a summary:

Absent father who was never really there, died when I was 11.

Mother is a drinker (wouldn't say alcoholic, but she does frequently drink. That drives me insane, it has led to me splitting various times and doing very unhinged things)

I was bullied throughout primary school and secondary school (elementary, middle school and high school). It ranged from physical to verbal.

tl;dr

I was also diagnosed with ADHD when I was around 6, I was a very very VERY hyper child who even had her own special needs teacher with her in every class from the ages 5-8.

I moved houses many many times and even once to a new country.

Anyways, enough summary.

My issue is with my current boyfriend, 20M. He told me he has autism.

I struggle a lot trying to explain myself but I'll try my best.

I have various mood swings throughout the day; I lash out at him, I tend to exaggerate things a lot. I always have this constant feeling that I'm being lied to or cheated on. Don't get me wrong, I do not go through his following list or stalk him online or anything crazy, but I always have that feeling in the back of my mind. 

I remember this one time I split on him so badly that I ended up insulting him and going back home by myself after having a night out with him, long story short, I told him not to drink another beer because we were going back to my house,  he started telling me and accusing me that I'm trying to control him, that I'm controlling what he does, and he kept on repeating why can't I drink? If there's one thing that I hate the most in this world is having to repeat myself or people repeating themselves to me.

There’s so much more to that story, but one, I do not remember what happened too well, and two, I don't feel the need to get into too much detail.

And there's another issue. I've told him multiple times what I'd want and what I don't want in a relationship, and he does do the things I want, but sometimes the things I don't want him to do, he does, for example:

 I want someone who keeps me updated without me having to constantly ask where they are or what they’re doing

 I want affection and reassurance throughout the day, even if it’s just small things, like reacting to my videos, flirting with me, checking in on me.

I also want him to take initiative with plans and dates, because I've always said to myself that “not all men have to take the initiative and be the leaders, but the men that I date have to take the initiative and be the leaders”. 

Punctuality is important to me too.  We're all humans, and we can always arrive later. The times that he's been late compared to me are much more. And sometimes he tells me plans to do at the very last moment, like for example, he tells me a 18h to meet him at 20/21h. I'm like, no, I'm not gonna go because, to me, that's a form of disrespect.

I don’t like feeling like I’m not being listened to because he has to argue back or prove he’s right. Basically, I want to feel considered, wanted, listened to, and like we’re both actively putting effort into the relationship.

This is an example of one of my worst splits (Too lazy to explain from 0 what happened, dm me if you wanna know):

bf: 🙄🙄

Kiri: with that dumb sticker

bf: stop being so rude

bf: 🙄

Kiri: I hate you

bf: why

Kiri: so much

Kiri: I wish I never met you

Kiri: you make me feel horrible

Kiri: I hate you so much

Kiri: you make me lose my emotions

Kiri: I hate you

Kiri: leave me alone

bf: why tho kiri

Kiri: don't speak to me

Kiri: you're making me fing crazy

Kiri: I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you

bf: kiri relax

Kiri: just f off

Kiri: leave me

Kiri: don't fing tell me to relax

Kiri: I'm done

Kiri: I'm done with this idiotic concesst

Kiri: conversation

Kiri: f you

Kiri: you pushed me to my limits

Kiri: I hate you

So yeah... I take full accountability for my actions, and my words.

Any advice on how to manage mood swings better and what to do? I want to better myself. Breathing techniques don't work; neither do meditation, grounding, going silent, or holding ice.

i just feel explosive and like I can't control my words when I split. I also don't have access to therapy rn.

i can’t sleep or eat and just want to take sleeping pills (NOT TO IVERDOSE BUT RO SLEEP) but it’s bad idea bc i sleep so long after

So I'm reading a book about self-harm and the author says he doesn't like the labels of personality disorders because they are often more unhelpful and stigmatizing, and because it makes no sense to "diagnose someone's personality". He also says that labels like personality disorders lead people into thinking the root of the problem is the person themselves rather than their social difficulties. Thoughts?

Someone is manipulating me using BPD relational vulnerabilities and nobody will make it stop or help me.

My life is literally being destroyed and not a reflection of who I am. Its gotten to the point idk who that is anymore. I.

It's scary and sad.

I’m going to go through the skill “check the facts” here, a rant-style post but is also informational (exactly how my dbt therapist goes through it with me each session) and if you guys are upset too you can do this with me!!!

Identifying the Emotion: Fear
Intensity of Emotion: 74/100

Prompting Event: My girlfriend went to bed and told me it’s because she’s upset about the state of her room being messy. I cleaned up all the laundry off the floor and put it away for her. When I tried to wake her up and told her I cleaned, she didn’t budge, instead she groaned and moved away.

Noticing Urges Instead of Acting on Them: Nudge her until she wakes up, beg her to talk to me and to give me attention, tell her she’s being selfish for not staying up with me for another 2 hours

Thought: Because she won’t wake up, she doesn’t want to spend time with me
Other explanation: She worked a night shift and hasn’t slept all day, so maybe she didn’t hear me because she’s too tired
Another Explanation: She told me she was stressed about family a few days ago, and might be stressed about work and friends too. She may need space and time to process her emotions, the laundry might have just been the straw that broke the camel’s back
Judgement: She thinks I’m annoying and clingy, and she’s going to get exhausted with dealing with me
Thought: She doesn’t love me as much as I love her. I was right, I’m putting too much effort into this relationship and I’m going to be left behind in the end
Fact: You can’t know what another person is thinking or feeling, and she never gave any indication that she believes those things about me

Thought: She’s selfish for not staying up for me when I did X, Y, and Z for her today while I was tired
Other explanation: Not everyone has the same capacities when distressed, being tired isn’t the same as being sad
Fact: She deserves and needs rest too, even if I wanted to spend more time with her.

Thought: Because she can’t communicate about this, she won’t be able to communicate about relationship issues
Fact: I can’t know that as truth, since this isn’t comparable to our relationship, but instead her surroundings

Check for Threats and Worst-Case Outcomes: The possibility that my girlfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me, which I interpret as a sign that she’ll eventually become tired of me, stop loving me, and leave me

Does this outcome, and the intensity of emotions, fit the actual facts?:
No, I don’t think so. She worked a nightshift last night and I know she’s not just stressed about the laundry. She seems mentally and physically exhausted, and never gave any indication that it’s my fault or that she was mad at me in the first place.

How am I going to cope instead of acting on urges?

I’m using A and E of the ACCEPT SKILL:
A – Activities: Do a hobby, clean, or watch a show.
>!C – Contributing: Focus on helping someone else.!<
>!C – Comparisons: Think of a time you felt worse or how others handle it.!<
E – Emotions: Watch an emotional movie or listen to a powerful song to create a different feeling.
>!P – Pushing away: Leave the problem alone for a little while.!<
>!T – Thoughts: Count things or repeat a song in your head.!<
>!S – Sensations: Hold ice or take a cool shower.!<

I’m going to listen to upbeat songs while I clean up the donation pile we have for the thrift store, and move it outside of her room so we have more space. I’m then going to do the dishes and take care of the garbage. When I feel tired, I’m going to lay down with her and sleep for the night.

Personal reflection:
I realize how unhelpful all these thoughts and judgements are after I’ve gone through all of the steps of checking the facts every time. Urges aren’t actions. Getting through urges means building a relationship stronger with my girlfriend, and not acting on impulsive tendencies helps my recovery. Every time I get myself through distressing situations, it gets a little easier to regulate and see clearly next time. It also makes me realize how much the perception of abandonment can set me off. If I did act on urges, from a perspective outside of my own, it would be totally random, because my feelings don’t fit the facts

Intensity of Emotion (fear) after: 0/100

As much progress as I've made in dealing with my bpd, pining and yearning is the one thing I can't get past. I dunno if it's some sort of trauma from being cheated on and past partners gradually losing interest in me but I think I'd be so much better off if I could just not give a shit. Instead I feel like a fucking incel when things go wrong again. It's not like there's been a ton of instances either, I'm 29 and ive been in 3 actual relationships (one was 8 years) and my first (2 year long) situationship is about to fully die off. I'm just so tired of the part of me that wants love and romance. Idk why I'm posting this I'm just really feeling down right now.

I picked up Marsha Linehan's (creator of DBT) Memoir recently because it was recommended to me by a friend. Turns out our childhoods were almost 1:1, just swap places, names, professions, and time periods. In a lot of ways though I had it a lot worse, as she wasn't physically abused and I was up until recent adulthood.

I figured it was time to make the jump into reading about DBT, since I am not having much luck finding a therapist.

I opened the therahive 'DBT in your pocket' after reading some I began to cry.

I'd learned most of the skills- and to regularly practice them- without ever having DBT or a DBT group. I picked up those skills because since 2024 I have journaled almost every day and did a lot of self inquiry and self reflection. I also got taught a lot of those skills through writing essays on mental health lectures I watched in my free time. The rest I learned through friends I learned to trust. I also tried a lot to make friends with people who were open-minded and understanding. There was a lot of heartache and rejection and even outright violence towards me (I am queer in an unfriendly area) but I have made a handful of friends who have seen me at my worst and still love me. They even will tell me as much. I've even a partner who helped me get medicated and deal with some pretty debilitating illness.

I have a long way to go- but in the past 3 years... I have gone from being a college drop-out who got Cs in highschool to someone making all As in college in a difficult program. I went from being unable to go places because lights and sounds of the indoors could cause me enough pain to make me pass out to enjoying my first rave recently. I've gone from losing 6~ hours a day to PTSD and rumination and taking an average of 3 hours to fall alseep to an average of 20min lost to PTSD and rumination per week and an average time to fall asleep of less than 30 minutes. I went from not being able to leave my abuser's house to traveling well over 1000 miles away from my (new) safe home.

I've even been there for another friend of mine who has BPD. I've helped them summon a lot of courage- often not even on purpose. They said it's been really exciting to watch me improve and grow.

I'm not in remission for BPD yet, thats still some years away... Its weird to say that, since I only found out I have BPD less than 12 months ago... But I'm proud of myself. I talked to some of my friends today and they told me I should be proud of myself, and that they love me. They told me what a joy it has been to see me go from incredibly self destructive and unstable to... me. Their friend. I've got my people. Not bad for someone who's first suicide attempt was at 8 years old. Not bad for someone even their doctors and psychs gave up on.

I'm crying a lot after reflecting today on my friendships and journey. God damn it I'm building a life worth living.

seriously i’m 20 fucking years old and i am so so so aware of all my actions and yet i feel there’s a force inside me that i can’t change.
i overthink every little thing my partner says and if it’s anything even remotely close to where i think he’s losing feelings or even IMPLIES leaving me (even tho i do this all the time) i literally take it equivalent to him sleeping with another girl like that’s how bad i take it.
this is so unfair to him and i think he’s better off without me (sad truth) but i can’t bring myself to leave him 1. i do love him 2. i don’t want to be alone
i have pushed him away a lot, i can see him losing feelings for me or already patience, and i continue to do it. it tears me apart but i feel a weird sense of relief because i always think it’s gonna happen anyways?

this sucks i feel like i’m never going to change
any advice lollll, please no harsh or mean comments

The issue is probably, you saving everyone else, because you notice, but noone ever does that for you. How can one deal with that?

Today, I finally took the painful but necessary step of initiating a separation between myself and my fixated person. It’s something I knew I needed to do for a while, but based on the current trajectory of my life, now was the time. It has become recently evident to me that I have finally hit rock bottom, and severing the cycle of attachment and reclaiming ownership of my life is the first step in picking myself back up. I need to learn to love myself without being externally dependent on another person. Right now, I feel an unexpected sense of relief, but I know in the coming days and weeks, my emotions and over analyzing mind are going to try and get the best of me. For those who have had a similar experience, I’m curious about some tips/coping mechanisms you may have learned to resist the urge of breaking the no-contact and going back, the urge to constantly check your phone for a notification, or the urge to completely rewrite the story and convince yourself that you overreacted. Any and all suggestions are welcome. I finally did what I needed to do, but I am unsure of how to maintain this decision and move forward with my life in a positive way.

Something I noticed throughout my whole life is that when I watch a tv show or a movie and I relate to a character or want to be like them it quickly spirals into obsession.

It starts off small. Maybe a thought like "Hm, I like this character." and that thought turns into "I‘m EXACTLY like this character and every one of my friends needs to know and acknowledge this."

I often find myself researching how a specific character would react to situations I was in to check if we would react the same.
I find myself picking up traits or habits from this character and it gives me some kind of fulfillment when my friends point out how similar I am to them.

Sometimes I even had thoughts like "If I had a button which I could press to match their personality to 100% I would definitely press it"

And during this phase I dont seem to notice the ongoing pattern. With every new character I think that I found THE one, dismissing my previous experiences.
This usually lasts for a few weeks or months before I go back to "normal" and some time after I find my new obsession.

My latest obsession was Anakin Skywalker, this was after my BPD diagnosis and I related heavily and its like I needed everyone to realize how similar I am to him. And if someone points out that I‘m different? Then that person just doesnt know me that well.

This is so frustrating and I still dont really understand the underlying cause of this. Has anyone else made similar experiences?

I started smoking weed in 2018. At first, I would smoke maybe once a week, but from 2019 onwards I started smoking more regularly; joints, bongs, cigarettes, etc.
Around 2024–2025, I gradually cut down. I stopped buying weed regularly and would mostly smoke if I was with friends who had some. Eventually, I went for long periods without smoking and got to the point where I might only smoke once every 2–3 months.
The problem is that whenever something really upsetting happens in my life, relationship problems, feeling emotionally abandoned by my partner, career issues, trauma-related stuff, or just feeling extremely depressed and anxious, I find myself wanting weed again.
I have BPD, and when I smoke, I feel incredibly relaxed. For a while, it feels like my brain finally goes quiet and I don’t have to think about everything that’s hurting me. That’s probably why I’ve started seeing weed as a way to relieve my anxiety and depression.
Deep down, though, I don’t really want to rely on it. It’s almost like there are two parts of my mind: one part knows I don’t want weed to become my coping mechanism, while another part desperately wants it whenever I’m struggling.
My partner also used to smoke with me, but they have ADHD and stopped in 2024 after starting medication, so I don’t really have that shared habit anymore.
I’m curious about other people’s experiences, especially anyone with BPD.
How did you stop using weed as a coping mechanism?
Did you completely quit, or do you sometimes relapse and then stop again?
Do any of you with BPD actually find cannabis helpful for managing your symptoms, or does it ultimately make things worse?
I’m not necessarily looking for judgment, I’d really like to hear from people who have been in a similar situation and what worked (or didn’t work) for them.

Has anyone got prescribed mood stabilizers such as lithium for their bpd? I have been on antidepressants and antipsychotics for a while but it doesn't seem to have any affect on me whatsoever. I've read that mood stabilizers can be prescribed to help with the symptoms of bpd alongside antidepressants and antipsychotics. If you were/are on mood stabilizers; how did it affect you?

Something I noticed about myself is that many times when I flirt with women the feeling of them wanting to have sex with me is enough to satisfy my "needs“
at that moment.

There was a time when I texted with multiple women at the same time
and when it got to the point where they sent me pictures of themselves, said openly that they wanted to have sex or I could just tell, I wouldnt really engage further because I got everything that I "needed" from them.

I know that this is messed up and it has been long since I’ve last done it but I wanted to ask if anyone else has made similar experiences and if this is normal for pwBPD?

Recently bought my husband Stop Walking on Eggshells and was horrified by the threads about it.

Any recos for books to help loved ones understand the condition?

I see people saying things like "BPD is just autism (or more specifically "female autism")" or "BPD is just CPTSD" like... I know they have a lot of overlaps and often co-occurr (I myself am autistic and BPD, along with Bipolar Disorder), but to say that there is no such thing as BPD and instead it's just CPTSD or autism is just... why? Their symptoms are so distinct... I can't take it...

I’m currently going through a very stressful time—looking for a job and an apartment. I’ve just finished a very demanding training course that required me to take four exams. (I can't find a job in that field now 🫩). The phases where I have nervous breakdowns are becoming more frequent. Hysterical crying, terrible thoughts. My dog ​​picks up on all of this too, and today I reached the point where I realized I was no longer able to use my DBT skills. I have to take medication again. I’m scaring myself, and I want my dog ​​to be okay. I blame myself endlessly, thinking about how stressed she must be because of me. I have this feeling that I really shouldn't be responsible for another living being. I can barely manage to take care of myself, after all. But she means the world to me, and I love her so much. I didn't know I could love a living being this much. That’s why I need to get myself together again now. I only stopped taking medication a year ago (after being on it continuously for ten years before that). I was so proud of myself and could finally feel more again. Unfortunately, both positive and negative thoughts were heavily suppressed by the medication. It surprised me that I cried watching movies. I also feel joy a bit more (when it actually shows up, lol). Anyway, I’m just disappointed in myself. Perhaps a life with BPD without medication isn't possible? 🙁

I thought I was over getting jealous about my friends hanging out with other friends, but I was just thinking that because I wasn't really close with anyone.

I'm in a trio and we usually hang out together, but I just saw my friend at my other friends house (we're neighbors) so I texted in our gc "what are y'all up to?" (It sounds a bit better in my language but that's the translation) and one of them said that they are chilling in their garden and asked me if I wanted to come over.

My friend also said "I find it kind of funny that whenever we're hanging out together you always show up" and she said it jokingly, but that made me feel even worse, because it only happened once, when I was waiting for them in the garden because we wanted to collect fruits, but they went where else without telling me, because they thought that I didn't want to come, even tho we planned to collect fruits together (as in all three) (the fruits were not ripe, that's why they left)

Ik that I'm overthinking and that that means nothing but idk how to stop overthinking about situation like this.

I feel like my bpd makes me insanely competitive, mini golf, bowling, arcade games, Wii, Netflix games (Lego Netflix game is so fun if u haven’t tried it) ect.

If I loose one of these games I get insanely annoyed, like ruins the whole date or day. I went ice skating once and before I try sonthing new I feel like I’m going to be amazing at it, and when I fail I crash out.

I’m such a sore looser, I hate this part of myself. I then spiral into feeling like a shitty person
A.) for being a bad looser
B.) for being shit at ‘everything’

I feel like I’m bad at everything, even though I know I’m probally not I can’t shake this feeling. As a child I used to be so ‘good’ at everything too!

Anyone experience anything similar

I’m having a really difficult time right now and I’m hoping people with BPD can give me some perspective because I feel like I’m spiraling.
I recently had a work trip to New York for my new corporate job, and the entire trip was extremely stressful and exhausting for me. I was doing well for most of the week, but by the end of the trip I became incredibly anxious and overwhelmed. I feel like I lost my filter and wasn’t thinking as clearly as I normally do.

On the last day, I made several decisions that I deeply regret. The biggest issue was changing my flight. I was anxious about personal responsibilities and asked my manager if I could change my flight. She had the authority to approve the change and approved it, so at the time I genuinely thought I was handling it appropriately. I didn’t understand that asking to change it so late would be viewed as very unprofessional. I also missed my flight and had to deal with the consequences of that.

I also accidentally left a senior manager out of a work group chat/communication. I wasn’t intentionally excluding anyone, I genuinely thought I had included everyone. I’ve also previously been spoken to about being late once, so now all of these things are being looked at together, especially because I’m still within my first 90 days.

There was also a moment where I made a comment to my trainer about the boutique ambassadors looking down on us, and I said it while an AVP was in the middle of speaking/lecturing to us. Looking back, I realize that was inappropriate and not the kind of judgment or professionalism I want to demonstrate at work. At the time, though, I was extremely anxious and had basically lost my filter.
My trainer spoke to me very harshly about what happened and told me that what I did was unacceptable and that I’d made a bad impression for myself. She told me another manager will speak with me later this week about next steps. I asked her directly if I was likely to be terminated, and she didn’t give me a definite answer, but I’m terrified that I’m going to lose my job.

I’ve been crying and spiraling ever since. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I keep thinking, “Why did I do that? Why didn’t I realize how serious it was? Why couldn’t I handle it better?” I feel like I ruined everything I had worked for and that everyone at work is judging me.

I’m also really angry because I genuinely was trying my best. I wasn’t intentionally ignoring policies or trying to be irresponsible. I was overwhelmed, anxious, and made some really bad judgment calls. But now I’m struggling to separate “I handled this situation badly” from “I’m a terrible, incapable person.”

I’m especially interested in hearing from people with BPD: Have you ever had a situation where you became overwhelmed, made several mistakes close together, and then spiraled into intense shame and fear that you’d ruined your life? How did you get yourself through the aftermath and eventually return to work?

I don’t really need people to tell me whether I “messed up”I know I did. I need help figuring out how to stop the shame spiral and face whatever happens next without completely destroying myself over it.