u/SheShattersTheWheel

I picked up Marsha Linehan's (creator of DBT) Memoir recently because it was recommended to me by a friend. Turns out our childhoods were almost 1:1, just swap places, names, professions, and time periods. In a lot of ways though I had it a lot worse, as she wasn't physically abused and I was up until recent adulthood.

I figured it was time to make the jump into reading about DBT, since I am not having much luck finding a therapist.

I opened the therahive 'DBT in your pocket' after reading some I began to cry.

I'd learned most of the skills- and to regularly practice them- without ever having DBT or a DBT group. I picked up those skills because since 2024 I have journaled almost every day and did a lot of self inquiry and self reflection. I also got taught a lot of those skills through writing essays on mental health lectures I watched in my free time. The rest I learned through friends I learned to trust. I also tried a lot to make friends with people who were open-minded and understanding. There was a lot of heartache and rejection and even outright violence towards me (I am queer in an unfriendly area) but I have made a handful of friends who have seen me at my worst and still love me. They even will tell me as much. I've even a partner who helped me get medicated and deal with some pretty debilitating illness.

I have a long way to go- but in the past 3 years... I have gone from being a college drop-out who got Cs in highschool to someone making all As in college in a difficult program. I went from being unable to go places because lights and sounds of the indoors could cause me enough pain to make me pass out to enjoying my first rave recently. I've gone from losing 6~ hours a day to PTSD and rumination and taking an average of 3 hours to fall alseep to an average of 20min lost to PTSD and rumination per week and an average time to fall asleep of less than 30 minutes. I went from not being able to leave my abuser's house to traveling well over 1000 miles away from my (new) safe home.

I've even been there for another friend of mine who has BPD. I've helped them summon a lot of courage- often not even on purpose. They said it's been really exciting to watch me improve and grow.

I'm not in remission for BPD yet, thats still some years away... Its weird to say that, since I only found out I have BPD less than 12 months ago... But I'm proud of myself. I talked to some of my friends today and they told me I should be proud of myself, and that they love me. They told me what a joy it has been to see me go from incredibly self destructive and unstable to... me. Their friend. I've got my people. Not bad for someone who's first suicide attempt was at 8 years old. Not bad for someone even their doctors and psychs gave up on.

I'm crying a lot after reflecting today on my friendships and journey. God damn it I'm building a life worth living.

For the vast majority of people, quelbree causes a mild worsening, mild improvement, or no change in ADHD symtoms. It usually takes effect in 1-2 weeks.

I took quelbree for 5 days and missed it once. I felt kinda off but I figured it hadn't even been a week and I missed a dose anyway, its in my head.

No.

I could not have been any more wrong.

I have not slept in well over 36 hours, and less than 14 hours in the past 5 days despite my sleep schedule being STRICT. I was tracking my mood for the past 3 days. There was a SINGLE HOUR where I experienced catatonia, blind rage, euphoria, mania, hysterical laughter, utter despair, and two other horrid symtoms: Hypersexuality and also partial paralysis of excretory function.

A notably horrid part of that experience: I tried taking off my bra, it brushed my nipple, and I orgasmed several times. Changing clothes was a disorienting and frustrating experience during that. I have to push so hard to pee that my body temperature went up an entire two degrees every time I did. I injured myself defecating, and re-injure myself every time.

I am constantly swallowing my own puke. Misery.

I called my psych, I hitched a ride, and he ran some tests bc I looked like death. He was fairly certain he needed to call an ambulance but I convinced him not to.

I am quitting right now. The withdrawal has started. I feel as though railroad spikes are being driven into my eyes and temples every few seconds. My ability to keep my balance or perceive my relative position in a room momentarily slips and it as though I am slung at mach fuck into 0g then back down to earth. My muscles are constantly locking and unlocking. I am 100 percent conscious for all of it, even the catatonia. I hear every word spoken to me. My ability to talk and to walk waxes and wanes (my ability to sing is oddly undisturbed)

The even more baffling thing about this, is that despite being in a surreal amount of pain due to hives (genetic skin condition), a fractured ankle, and the horrible muscle locking and cramping.... I feel fine. It is euphoric when I feel the pain of the spike though my skull, pounding away. It is uncomfortably pleasant.

To those concerned for me- I am being monitored by my partner. I took 0.2 of an ativan and I regained my ability to walk and talk, and my mood is no longer in flux. I don't know how half of a ativan stopped my mania and as kept it stopped for a few ours now, but I still do not feel tired. I feel as fully capable of running a ~6 minute mile as I did the well rested day I had before starting qelbree. My blood pressure nor heart rate is in a dangerous range. I am sound enough of mind to make sandwiches, use the bathroom, bathe, stay well hydrated, and document my symptoms. My partner has affirmed this is indeed mania and I am not delirious nor psychotic. (The only symptoms that could be construed this way is that I suddenly find oranges rather erotic and I speak with unnecessary hyperbole). I would consider going to the psych ward if not for the fact the closest 3 psych hospitals have all killed several people in the past few years with either negligence or contempt, so it is not an option even if it was in budget.

To make matters worse, a family member who accepted me as queer just died and the rest of my family hid their death from me because I am queer, or in their eyes selfish. They shielded me from physical abuse and had been told for several years I would see them soon. I played comforter to those same wretches today, hiding the fact I couldn't even walk.

What a miserable drug.

What good was this?

I now recognize ALL MEDICATIONS that interfere with norepinephrine in any way I am ACCUTELY sensitive to. I have to dissolve 10mg of ritalin in a bottle of water and drink that over the course of 5ish hours, or else I have anxiety attacks, yes even though I am 145lbs and have taken it for 6 months until I tried clonidine then quelbree, I remain that sensitive to ritalin. The longer I take clonidine the more catatonic episodes I have. it doesn't matter if I take 1/16th the starter dose or double the starter dose. After about 2 or 3 weeks catatonia begins to consume at least 30% of my day. Its obnoxious because it genuinely alleviates so many ADHD and PTSD symptoms and brings my anxious thoughts to a crawl. But eventually I just can't anymore.

I realized as well, am having less PTSD episodes due to doing coping strats, journalling, taking time to appreciate how accomodating everyone around me has been in fleeting moments of clarity (I got to go to a potluck even while catatonic, I had a few very light conversations and I was sent home with a lot of yummy food. Despite being manic and disoriented, I managed to go grocery shopping with my partner for around an hour). I do not know what I did to deserve a support network / found family that makes sure I have a sense of normalcy even when things aren't going great. I am less afraid of the world now, because despite being in a very vulnerable state over the past 5 days, nobody has exploited me, nobody has taken advantage of my body, nobody has physically harmed me in any way, and it is restructuring my thought processes about danger as a survivor of a lot of things nobody should have to. So when I am fully sober I look forward to writing everyone around me a thank you note. I have had the presence of mind to ground myself when my body and emotions betray me on a fundemental level at roughly the same rate I had such presence of mind a month ago.

I now recognize I live my life in a constant state of some god forsaken fusion of hypomania and ADHD hyperactivity. Clonidine stopped my hypomania and Quelbree induced mania. I did not immediatly recognize that I live in hypomania bc (its all my life) and because (I do not have an inflated sense of self, but rather a lot of maladaptive self-evaluative tendencies and am seen generally as kindhearted by those around me). I can learn to live with this better as years pass but I recognize that it lends itself to fear-motivated behavior and thinking and I wish to slowly move my patterns of behavior over to goal-motivated behavior and thinking. Clonidine removed my executive dysfunction almost completely and restored a sense of accomplishment (I made so much art) but decreased my mental acuity and had bad side effects. Ritalin makes me somewhat less distractable, somewhat less anxious, makes me comfortably mentally acute, and grants me some level of satisfaction when I complete a goal, but it does not decrease cripping executive dysfunction and does not alleviate any hypomanic tendencies. I also learned it takes a quarter of an ativan to purge the mood swings and a large portion of my muscle problems. This is all useful information for my psychiatrist. I learned that on a schedule, most of my mood problems that weren't hypomania were almost nonexistent other than some anxiety and VERY occasional catatonia from PTSD eps, and my mood swings come under control to the point I barely notice them.

I am capable of doing my classwork while manic, cooperating, communicating, and being affectionate to my partner when I am semi-verbal and enraged, I am capable of reognizing my abysaal and all consuming despair won't last as I cry my eyes out and feel worthless, and I am in this state, having trouble with my inhibitions but did not come CLOSE to self harm or doing something dangerous or even overspending (I DESERVE PASTRIES FOR THIS DAMN IT ALL!), nor did I end up saying something regrettable to someone close to me. I am quite proud of that because I have felt PROFOUNDLY BITCHY and UNFILTERED.

I also learned that a lot of the therapy I have been doing regarding intimacy has genuinely improved my life. Despite being able to feel each individual nerve cell in my body in slow fucking motion skeezed out of my fucking mind, I still could cuddle, even if trigger zones were touched. Pain, irritation, and no-touch zones being brushed against is less intolerable in that state than before I started therapy and well before I knew such a wretched thing as mania could exist. I did not realize I made that much progress.

It seems to have permanently altered some body dysphoria/dysmorphia in a positive way too?????????????????? Anyway.

Here is to hoping my POS blood family goes to fucking therapy and stop being assholes.

I told my therapist and close friends and partner I would go through a lot of pain and BS to get a med helps me deal (doesn't fix, but makes it easier to deal with) with my lowly and fleeting satisfaction in all pursuits, executive dysfunction, distractability, inattentiveness, and fluctuating mental acuity. This has not deterred me, and my support system is on board.

I took quelbree for 5 days and missed it once. I was told it took 1-2 weeks to start working, so for the first two days I thought I was just not feeling well.

No.

I could not have been any more wrong.

I have not slept in well over 36 hours, and less than 14 hours in the past 5 days despite my sleep schedule being STRICT. I was tracking my mood for the past 3 days. There was a SINGLE HOUR where I experienced catatonia, blind rage, euphoria, mania, hysterical laughter, utter despair, and two other horrid symtoms: Hypersexuality and also partial paralysis of excretory function.

A notably horrid part of that experience: I tried taking off my bra, it brushed my nipple, and I orgasmed several times. Changing clothes was a disorienting and frustrating experience during that. I have to push so hard to pee that my body temperature went up an entire two degrees every time I did. I injured myself defecating, and re-injure myself every time.

I am constantly swallowing my own puke. Misery.

I called my psych, I hitched a ride, and he ran some tests bc I looked like death. He was fairly certain he needed to call an ambulance but I convinced him not to.

I am quitting right now. The withdrawal has started. I feel as though railroad spikes are being driven into my eyes and temples every few seconds. My ability to keep my balance or perceive my relative position in a room momentarily slips and it as though I am slung at mach fuck into 0g then back down to earth. My muscles are constantly locking and unlocking. I am 100 percent conscious for all of it, even the catatonia. I hear every word spoken to me. My ability to talk and to walk waxes and wanes (my ability to sing is oddly undisturbed)

The even more baffling thing about this, is that despite being in a surreal amount of pain due to hives (genetic skin condition), a fractured ankle, and the horrible muscle locking and cramping.... I feel fine. It is euphoric when I feel the pain of the spike though my skull, pounding away. It is uncomfortably pleasant.

To those concerned for me- I am being monitored by my partner. I took 0.2 of an ativan and I regained my ability to walk and talk, and my mood is no longer in flux. I don't know how half of a ativan stopped my mania and as kept it stopped for a few ours now, but I still do not feel tired. I feel as fully capable of running a ~6 minute mile as I did the well rested day I had before starting qelbree. My blood pressure nor heart rate is in a dangerous range. I am sound enough of mind to make sandwiches, use the bathroom, bathe, stay well hydrated, and document my symptoms. My partner has affirmed this is indeed mania and I am not delirious nor psychotic. (The only symptoms that could be construed this way is that I suddenly find oranges rather erotic and I speak with unnecessary hyperbole). I would consider going to the psych ward if not for the fact the closest 3 psych hospitals have all killed several people in the past few years with either negligence or contempt, so it is not an option even if it was in budget.

To make matters worse, a family member who accepted me as queer just died and the rest of my family hid their death from me because I am queer, or in their eyes selfish. They shielded me from physical abuse and had been told for several years I would see them soon. I played comforter to those same wretches today, hiding the fact I couldn't even walk.

What a miserable drug.

What good was this?

I now recognize ALL MEDICATIONS that interfere with norepinephrine in any way I am ACCUTELY sensitive to. I have to dissolve 10mg of ritalin in a bottle of water and drink that over the course of 5ish hours, or else I have anxiety attacks, yes even though I am 145lbs and have taken it for 6 months until I tried clonidine then quelbree, I remain that sensitive to ritalin. The longer I take clonidine the more catatonic episodes I have. it doesn't matter if I take 1/16th the starter dose or double the starter dose. After about 2 or 3 weeks catatonia begins to consume at least 30% of my day. Its obnoxious because it genuinely alleviates so many ADHD and PTSD symptoms and brings my anxious thoughts to a crawl. But eventually I just can't anymore.

I realized as well, am having less PTSD episodes due to doing coping strats, journalling, taking time to appreciate how accomodating everyone around me has been in fleeting moments of clarity (I got to go to a potluck even while catatonic, I had a few very light conversations and I was sent home with a lot of yummy food. Despite being manic and disoriented, I managed to go grocery shopping with my partner for around an hour). I do not know what I did to deserve a support network / found family that makes sure I have a sense of normalcy even when things aren't going great. I am less afraid of the world now, because despite being in a very vulnerable state over the past 5 days, nobody has exploited me, nobody has taken advantage of my body, nobody has physically harmed me in any way, and it is restructuring my thought processes about danger as a survivor of a lot of things nobody should have to. So when I am fully sober I look forward to writing everyone around me a thank you note. I have had the presence of mind to ground myself when my body and emotions betray me on a fundemental level at roughly the same rate I had such presence of mind a month ago.

I now recognize I live my life in a constant state of some god forsaken fusion of hypomania and ADHD hyperactivity. Clonidine stopped my hypomania and Quelbree induced mania. I did not immediatly recognize that I live in hypomania bc (its all my life) and because (I do not have an inflated sense of self, but rather a lot of maladaptive self-evaluative tendencies and am seen generally as kindhearted by those around me). I can learn to live with this better as years pass but I recognize that it lends itself to fear-motivated behavior and thinking and I wish to slowly move my patterns of behavior over to goal-motivated behavior and thinking. Clonidine removed my executive dysfunction almost completely and restored a sense of accomplishment (I made so much art) but decreased my mental acuity and had bad side effects. Ritalin makes me somewhat less distractable, somewhat less anxious, makes me comfortably mentally acute, and grants me some level of satisfaction when I complete a goal, but it does not decrease cripping executive dysfunction and does not alleviate any hypomanic tendencies. I also learned it takes a quarter of an ativan to purge the mood swings and a large portion of my muscle problems. This is all useful information for my psychiatrist. I learned that on a schedule, most of my mood problems that weren't hypomania were almost nonexistent other than some anxiety and VERY occasional catatonia from PTSD eps, and my mood swings come under control to the point I barely notice them.

I am capable of doing my classwork while manic, cooperating, communicating, and being affectionate to my partner when I am semi-verbal and enraged, I am capable of reognizing my abysaal and all consuming despair won't last as I cry my eyes out and feel worthless, and I am in this state, having trouble with my inhibitions but did not come CLOSE to self harm or doing something dangerous or even overspending (I DESERVE PASTRIES FOR THIS DAMN IT ALL!), nor did I end up saying something regrettable to someone close to me. I am quite proud of that because I have felt PROFOUNDLY BITCHY and UNFILTERED.

I also learned that a lot of the therapy I have been doing regarding intimacy has genuinely improved my life. Despite being able to feel each individual nerve cell in my body in slow fucking motion skeezed out of my fucking mind, I still could cuddle, even if trigger zones were touched. Pain, irritation, and no-touch zones being brushed against is less intolerable in that state than before I started therapy and well before I knew such a wretched thing as mania could exist. I did not realize I made that much progress.

Here is to hoping my POS blood family goes to fucking therapy and stop being assholes.

I told my therapist and close friends and partner I would go through a lot of pain and BS to get a med helps me deal (doesn't fix, but makes it easier to deal with) with my lowly and fleeting satisfaction in all pursuits, executive dysfunction, distractability, inattentiveness, and fluctuating mental acuity. This has not deterred me, and my support system is on board.

The game was a match three game, I believe it was called something like "kaboom". Your avatar was a little cylinder you could change the sphere head of. Mine was always blue and had a bomb head with two little black eyes. I remember the tiles in the game were very pretty and I remember wanting to eat or play with them as a child.

I think I may be remembering the game's sequel or the third in the series. I'm not sure. I don't remember there being any microtransactions. I think I remember volcanos and palm trees.

The game's art style was very colorful and vibrant.

I've been on clonidine since May 7th and its lead to a lot of great results. After a rough first few days... I am capable of feeling tickled, enjoying being caressed, I've been in less pain, I've had greater focus, I've been able to sleep within 30min of trying rather than ~3hr. I can even have sex- for the first time ever- without pain or discomfort. I've enjoyed a greater ability to relax when I need. I got 2-5 hours lost from ptsd a day down to ~15min a day. For most of those days I've even made art.

This has stopped.

I'm on .2mg twice a day now, after a steady increase. I have not thought about suicide more than once a month (There is a huge difference between active suicidality, passive suicidality, passive suicidal ideation, and suicidal thoughts) for the past 2 years or so. However I've had quite a lot of suicidal thoughts on clonidine. I am of course, aware that these are just thoughts and if I cannot fight with my anxiety or PTSD episodes properly and cannot do eye or grounding exercises- then I can call a friend or my partner to help bring me down. To be clear- I value my life quite a lot, I know I am loved, and I feel loved.

My emotional volatility is kind of horrid now. Last night I was running my finger's thru my partner's hair and it caught- I was in fight or flight and don't know why, but when she said ow I pulled a bit harder before pulling away. She basically didn't care but I hurt her and I couldn't tell why I did it.

Cue ~20 years of childhood abuse surrounding the guilt of my PTSD whiplashing me (It is deeply ingrained that when I lose myself I am to be physically beaten or deprived of a will to live thru psych abuse or druggings, but so is the fear of myself because I lashed out at people I loved when I was younger(yes I am aware I need to explore self forgiveness and recognize my partner would do just as I would for them; to forgive and help me even if I did actually hurt them because I am a kindhearted and thoughtful person who is sick and relentless about getting better)). I ran off, hid, and hurt myself. The pain sobered me eventually and I cuddled with them and cried. I was inconsolable for around half an hour. They were super worried about and weren't upset at me for pulling their hair- what made them cry was that I was so upset at such a little thing. They were upset that I thought they might be afraid of me too.

Admittedly there is a lot of feelings and trauma to work through there therapeutically- but when I am without meds for my PTSD I don't have that problem. I can't emotionally connect with her as deeply but I'm so much less tumultuous. Also, I'm having more anxiety attacks- something I didn't have before. Some more minor stuff is the headaches, eye strain, and mild lapses in memory.

Good news is its possible to remain semi-productive and active while turning my c-ptsd mostly off. Even if this time it was maybe not sustainable and was only temporary. This was my first try anyway. I'm not stopping clonidine right now because I'm waiting on calling my psych. Maybe I still have to adjust a bit more and I'm just not used to the meds fully, but I've not really left fight or flight for the past few days at my highest dose so far. Either way, I'm nowhere near giving up on the search for a good medicine. Even without a good med tho, I passed my last semesters with all As and I'm always chipping away at how outwardly PTSD effects me.

Also I connected with my partner in a way I never thought possible. I had no idea I could be intimate with no pain or PTSD episodes making things uncomfortable or awkward or painful. I felt the love and care of my friends and support group more too. That was life-changing, even if only for a little while. Even if its years before I get this shit dialed enough to feel this again- that's a worthwhile wait.

I am rather bummed, but far from hopeless.

Maybe its time to explore more stablizing medications and talk to my psych, and talk more about my feelings and get a better routine in the meantime.

I've had PTSD for a very long time. From being abused as a kid to someone harassing me and trying to murder me in the name of their god and self-entitlement last year (not even the most fucked up thing that happened last year, ugh)

Anyway, after getting a sleep schedule, journaling every day, dealing with my sensory processing disorder, learning to cook and eat in a way that accounts for my energy levels, time, and digestive and bladder problems, and every minor thing from learning to floss to major things like how to design my room in a way that helps facilitate yoga and exercise and self care generally using a limited budget and dumpster diving and putting together a large support group....

I started college again, after flunking some years ago. I passed my first 8 credit hour semester with all As. I cried i was so proud.

But it was very difficult. I was watching a show with my friends and the MC had PTSD... I said he'd get used to it. They said wdym? I said, I have multiple episodes like that every hour.

Apparently thats not normal or acceptable. A few days later I had a conversation with my friends and I floated "Ugh I wish there was a drug that decreased the adrenaline your body has"

I had a ptsd episode that night that was pretty bad. I hopped in the bathtub (it helps me calm down bc I assume, it activates the mammalian diving response which lowers blood pressure and sends signals related to rest and digest cycles or smthn)

I still couldn't calm down, so I did some research into a drug that did that. Turns out, there is a drug that does that, and its also an adhd med, and its not a controlled substance, and its fairly inexpensive.

I thought about whether I needed it. I sat down, looked through my journals, and thought about how much time it takes me to sleep. It takes me, on average,, 3 hours to fall asleep at night due to tortured thoughts. I always scream and thrash while falling asleep, and I can't control it (as you can imagine, it has made romantic ventures difficult until finding an understanding partner.)

I thought about doing chores, and exercising. I am an exceptional track and field runner (or was a year or two ago at least)... Moving above a brisk pace in any context usually makes me feel like I'm being chased. If I'm upset while I move like this, I have visions of being struck with various instruments of abuse from different periods of my life. I have to use coping methods very often, and intimacy can be very difficult.

So yeah, I lose about 3-5 hours a day from PTSD.

Well, I brought up the meds with my psych, he put me on it... and 8 days later, and EVERYTHING is easier. (except exercise lol)

My chronic pain is lessened greatly. I can eat what I want now. My meals don't have to be over half leafy greens and whole grains/rice for ~75% of my meals. (I ate two plates of spicy indian food while dehydrated and I layed down and rested no heartburn, no vomiting, no cramping, and no burning urethra- I cried I was so happy). My episodes take about 15min a day. I fall alseep in less than 30min every single night.

Intimacy is so much easier too. I'm way less tense- My mind can go blank when I stare into my partner's eyes. I'm not having PTSD eps and intrusive thoughts every 2-5min during either. I gained the ability to be tickled, I gained the ability to have my spin touched without severe muscle spasms and and an adrenaline rush- I actually find it relaxing now. I found out being gentle caressed is intensely relaxing- no longer does it feel like bugs crawling under my skin where I am being caressed. - Also, positioning and penetration etc is not painful anymore- its almost effortless now. I cannot believe how relaxing intimacy is, and how much more of a bond I can form.

I can count on one hand, how many naps I have taken in the last 5 years. I laid my partner on top of my chest/tummy after we had sandwiches on their most recent visit... and I fell asleep without even meaning to.

I can relax easier now too. I can just lay down when its quite, esp when in the bath, and I can in just a minute or two, sit upon the precipice of sleep. ASMR now is intensely relaxing or pleasurable, and meditation tapes that are well made, can now work on me and relieve mild pain or bad anxiety.

Also, the lessened adrenaline and intrusive thoughts has made making art way easier. Its massively lowered the activation energy - I've made an art piece for about 7 of these past 8 or so days. Doing high activation energy tasks is way easier. My executive functioning is better.- and that is BEFORE starting taking my ritalin with it (i wanted to know the effects of the new med in isolation)

The side effects aren't so bad. Lower blood pressure is easy to deal with with ritalin, hydration, and hot showers. Its physically slowed me down some, but I'm now enjoying exercises where I crawl around and twist my body with floor exercises. I now have to contend with having anxiety- living in a state of fight or flight for probably around a decade kinda numbs you to anxious feelings. My first anxiety attack in the better part of a decade happened on the meds- it was rough- visions of suicide and being tortured by some being of light- but I also recognized it, recognized I was having trouble grounding myself, and simply called a friend to help. My room has lots of sentimental items in view from my bed- so him walking through me though the grounding exercise where I name 5 things I can see, 4 things can touch etc made it end. (I never took the intrusive thoughts seriously btw. They were upsetting but I have not been even passively suicidal in about 3 or 4 years). Next notable anxiety attack was in front of 30 people during me singing kareoke. Even though I started shaking and forgot most of the words, I still stood my ground, performed, and sat back down next to some folks I knew and found comforting and was fine in 5 minutes (Also, no major intrusive thoughts like last time!). PTSD has made dealing anxiety attacks kinda childs play. The hard part is restructuring what my mind is focused on- 3-5 hours a day back is a LOT of time, and since I focused on being aware of my mental state and coping etc, its hard to focus on stuff besides that,, since that now induces anxiety.- Though, day 8 or 9 now, a lot of that restructuring is done, surprisingly.

This med was not 'the solution' to be clear. It was just the thing to fill the gap I couldn't fill with a sleep schedule, healthy eating, hygiene, self care, regular exercising, friendship, support, community, a sense of accomplishment, and developing a balance and understanding between motivation, discipline, routine, habits, self control, activation energy etc. Most of my progress was as methodical as it was regular and mundane and slow- It is what enabled the medicine to be usable, understandable, and helpful in the first place.

I am, a more whole and complete version of myself than I have ever been. There is still an untold amount of chapters and eras and arcs left to my life, and its nice to have the opportunity to build upon myself without such a massive and unwieldy burden. - Even better, doing it with the friends and partner who has seen me through the majority of my life's growth in the past few years.

I don't break, I bend so I may see the sun still.