r/GirlDinnerDiaries

Yesterday I went out to my parent’s house for the 4th, along with my adult son and his girlfriend. Both my son and I already have a strained relationship with my brother, but we put it aside to go see my parents since they’re leaving for the summer to their cabin today.

It all started out fine, we swam and had burgers, but then at some point my brother suggested we watch the new Larry David show he does on US history. I don’t know why they wanted to watch it, given Larry David has always been fairly outspoken on his liberal ideals, but we watched it regardless. The first couple skits were very funny and we all laughed, but then it got to a skit that was obviously critical of Trump.

My family lost it. Started yelling at the TV, refuting everything they were saying, arguing with the statements and throwing out “but what about so-and-so (insert democrat name) ?!” Finally my Dad said, “Turn this shit off,” and my brother said, “Yeah, way to ruin a show with your stupid liberal bullshit” or something along those lines.

They were all visibly VERY upset, so I got up and excused myself to the back room to watch TV with my son. After a while, my Dad came in to ask if we wanted to join them to watch Jeopardy, and… I don’t know. I felt like the day had been ruined. They showed their hand. They obviously care very deeply for Trump, despite lying and always telling me they don’t like him. So we just packed up our stuff and left.

I don’t know why it effected me so much. I wish it didn’t bother me as much as it did. Maybe it was because it was the 4th and I was feeling extra patriotic and sad about where our country is at. Maybe it’s because I see it as less of a conflict of opinions and more of a conflict of morality. Maybe it’s because it’s really hard to see the men in your life champion a convicted rapist and accused pedophile. Or seeing your mom do the same.

Anyways, I was home and in bed by like 8:30pm. And now I’m feeling bad I left so abruptly, but I just couldn’t shake the disappointment. Hope everyone else had a much happier 4th.

Meal is coffee and raspberry Kringle.

Uggghghhhh. I'm so grossed out.

I (47f) just finalized a divorce after 18 years with my ex (48m). He got the house, which is fine, except that I've been noticing the landscaping (that I did) looks absolutely killer right now, and I'm pissed because it's at its peak and I don't get to enjoy it.

I had to walk the next-door neighbor's dog this morning, so I go over there and walk him. I let the dog in the backyard, he runs around, and I'm cheering him on, making baby-voice noises at him like "YAY! Are you my baby?? Yes you are my sweet little baby!!"

I glance over to my old back yard, and am admiring how the trees have started to fill in.

I notice movement on the deck and realize my ex must be back there. I start to say "hi" when I notice he's acting all stealthy. Kind of creeping around (the deck is partially covered by trees) and I suddenly realize he must have someone back there.

It's 10:30 AM. Morning. I then notice a woman stand up with coffee in her hand. They are both in pajamas. Fuck.

I make direct eye contact with my ex, who is like in a ninja pose against the side of the house. I just quickly go back in the neighbor's house.

I want to take a shower. I'm so grossed out right now.

EDIT: My ex didn't do anything wrong. It was an uncomfortable and awkward situation. That's all.

We share two children and so no, I cannot move across town. I need to be close to my kids' school and I also don't want to leave the community I created over the past two decades. I am constantly at his (my old) house to get and drop off my kids and he is constantly at mine. I'm not sure why it's hard to empathize with a situation that is awkward and uncomfortable when neither of the parties is at fault?

girl brunch: my toddlers unfinished cinnamon waffle
one day I will make food for myself 🤞

edit: https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/s/0D4bBsVFHW link to my original post

I saw my dad yesterday for 4th of July and it wasn't awkward! Just very much the good old pretend this never happened approach to the whole situation. But then by the end of the night he had my mom crying from how stressed out he makes her so that's a whole other story!

And my grandma was on some Fox news bullshit all night. "The American flag is the most important flag in the whole world". 1. literally wrong 2. you're a Canadian immigrant 😭 why hast thou forsaken the maple leaf?? The only reason I don't say anything to my grandma when she gets like this is to try and keep my mom's sanity but man it's getting harder and harder.

And they said yes!

Well, most of them.

My thing for a long time has been collecting extremely slutty dresses that I feel sexy in. As in, two pieces of sheer fabric just attached at the waist and shoulders and show off EVERYTHING with even slight movement. Things that would be indecent to even wear at a club and would probably lead to me getting groped in seconds, if I was ever even comfortable attempting to wear them in public. I'm not, but I wanted some way to show other people how I looked in these and get off on it. Finally, recently, I had an idea after soft-launching my kink with a few friends. I worked up the courage to put in the friend groupchat asking if anyone would be comfortable with me serving them a dinner party where I get to wear one of these in the comfort of my own home. I was very up front that I'd be near-nude, possibly flashing them my bits, and it would be sexually gratifying for me, although I wasn't asking or wanting it to lead to sex either as a group or with any of them individually.

As you can imagine I was super nervous about how my offer would be received, and I thought they'd boot me out without a word or no one would mention it. But thankfully (and maybe I shouldn't be surprised) all three of my single straight guy friends were immediately in. To my slight more surprise, my two together lesbian friends were also in, and so was a single girl friend whom I don't know what her sexuality is. So I had a group! To be honest as grateful as I was to the guys for kicking the responses off, I was glad to have an equal amount of ladies to keep the vibes on an even keel.

Anyway, the dinner went great, I received lots of stares and respectful compliments as I wanted, and those friends want to do it again! The ladies pitched also wearing slutty clothes to the next one, and one of my guy friends sent a gif of a guy sweating and collapsing. I just wanted to share this fun and odd thing I managed to get off the ground.

Pictured: Homemade brisket bacon velveeta mac and cheese (aka a heart attack on a plate)

My fiance and I decided to do mixed seating so my side doesn't look awkwardly empty. I wish we could just call it off and elope in vegas.

I already knew my side would be a lot of no rsvps. I've never been close with them. I grew up in a different state, my mom was the black sheep, I was the product of an affair and they all despised my father, plus they are all southern baptist and I am agnostic/spiritual. I plan to still invite them, because despite it all they are my family and I still love them.

But I just found out that the one person in my extended family that I actually really wanted there, who I asked to be a bridesmaid, isn't coming. Because she's going on a cruise a few months before and can't take time off for both. And knowing my family, if she's not going, the rest wont either.

I am just so angry and hurt. They go on cruises every year. We told them the date of our wedding over a year in advance, well before the cruise was booked. Like you couldn't miss it this one year? I'm not the kind of person to actually ask that of someone, but at the same time I guess I just thought I was more important to her than that.

So it looks like I will only have maybe 6 or 7 people show up for me. Oh well. I am just so grateful for my fiance and his family. They have been so kind and made me feel like a part of their family in a way Ive never felt with my own.

Bruschetta from the other night- drink was a strawberry basil bellini that was absurdly delicious.

Churrasco steak with a side salad and mint sauce - dinner from my job

I’m mid argument with my bf because he flipped out on me last night. Why did he flip out? Because he had such a hard time spending a lovely day out with my family all day, he had such a hard time spending money he didn’t want that I have literally paid him for. Because he wanted to watch the football and instead of putting it on and hanging out with us he chose to do work at night. And then eventually I set the TV up for him and cleaned up the living room a little bit.

He told me to go upstairs because he could tell I didn’t want to be there which was untrue. I told him sweetly that I’m on my phone because I’m not interested in the game but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to hang out with him and he flipped out. He assumes a situation, I tell him it’s not that, he flips out because I’ve dared to respond to what he’s saying. Because I didn’t put on a performance for him and respond as enthusiastically as he would have liked. Because I remained calm and sweet while he escalated himself telling me to go and do something I didn’t want to do.

This morning after locking myself away in the bedroom all day I finally decided to go downstairs and try and sit in the kitchen silently. He was in the garden and when he came back in he asked me why I was sat there. I ignored it the first time because I knew no matter what I said he would flip. He asked me again and asked why I was ignoring him angrily. I told him I was just sitting there. I wasn’t doing anything. I wasn’t there for any reason other than I wanted to sit in a room other than the one I’ve been in all day.

He flipped out on me. I got the whole thing on camera. He was telling me I was bullying him and taunting him. I was not. He said I was sat there smiling at him and pulling faces. I was not. What really happened was I sat there with my most neutral expression because if I dare express anything negative he flips. If I dare break eye contact he flips. I told him I was not smiling at him at all and I didn’t do anything other than sit there and he completely lost his shit and blamed me for him losing his shit.

I sat down and that’s all I did. I’m not allowed to be sad, angry, irritated, robotic. Im to sit there in the face of him yelling at me and blatantly lying to my face so he can convince himself I did these things I didn’t and he can feel justified for getting angry. He wants me to be caring and kind while he’s yelling at me. I do that and I’m yelled at more. I cry because I’m sad, I get yelled at more. My face ever so slightly twitches? I get yelled at because I’m pulling faces. I sit there with a neutral expression, holding eye contact, listening to him, I get yelled at because “it’s fake”.

I genuinely hate my life and I hate how I’m treated. I hate how manipulative he is and how he has loops for every little thing designed to make me the bad guy and himself the one who’s in the right for insulting me and yelling at me. I’m sick of it and I’m sick of him. I’m saving as much money as I can now to move out. I’m no longer going to support him financially because it is at the cost of my own stability. I’m sick of being the one paying all the rent and bills and having no money by the end of it for things in the month. I’m sick of him holding money over my head.

For a period of time I let him manipulate me into believing I was the problem but now that I’m holding him to his threats of ending it and protecting my peace and acting completely fine he can’t handle it. He can’t stand it. He wants me to be emotional and upset but at the same time he won’t let me be. He wants me to be chill and normal but he’s not letting me because even now he’s criticising me and telling me I’m taunting him.

If I acted diffidently, if I cried he would have gotten more triggered and said I’m doing it on purpose. If I got angry then you know how that would go. But I chose to remain composed and that still got me here. Back in this bedroom. Back to him contorting reality to fit his emotions.

Thank you for letting me rant.

For context: My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now. He makes me VERY happy. He’s the best boyfriend that I have and he genuinely makes me feel wanted, valued, appreciated and loved. However, it feels like it hasn’t gone anywhere the last 2 years…. We are long distance. We live about 3 hours apart but in different countries (I live right by the U.S./Canada border, and he’s in Canada). I haven’t been able to go visit him like I hoped because of some medical issues I was having. I had to have surgery which in turn led to doctors appointments, more doctors appointments and more. Plus, my job keeps me very busy. Traveling to see him also costs money which I don’t have a lot of because I’m so drowned in medical bills and other bills I have to pay. He keeps saying that we have a future together and everything and that he’s making plans to see me and try to get me to Canada to live together and that he WANTS to propose, but he never has. He’s been saying this for over 3 years btw.

My mom and I were just causally chatting last night while watching the fireworks, and she said “I love the guy, I think he’s great but if he were serious he would have at least tried or even proposed by now.” And I feel like she’s right. I’m a 24F (25 in October). All of my friends are getting married and having kids (I don’t want kids anytime soon). He’s a 30M about to be 31. Things need to start happening sooner rather than later if we want a family. I even told him and asked him what his plans were and he said ”I want to spend the rest of my life with you” without any sort of clear cut answer besides that.

{Food is a homemade calzone}

EDIT: YES WE HAVE VISITED EACH OTHER AND MET!!!!!! We have visited each other a few times but not in 2 years due to my medical issues.

My breakfast today is granola, caffeine, and a backwoods.

My fiancé (M28) and I (F24) have been together for almost 4 years. It was love at first sight, head over heels type of love. We’d stay up late talking to each other during college, got wasted often and had a blast. He got me through one of the most difficult periods of my life.

I was only 20 when we met but his patience was unlike anything I ever encountered, he was kind to me during difficult times, and he was the smartest man I’ve ever met. We were both attached to the hip. He purposed to me 5 months into our relationship and I asked him if we could move in together- because I wanted to be with him, and my living situation with my parents wasn’t the healthiest. So I did the scary thing- say yes to the ring, and move out. I was terrified for both.

It was not easy. I was a real jerk at first. I used to smoke a lot of weed to cope with my intense emotions and get over a lot of previous experiences. It helped, but over time it strained my relationship with my fiancé and myself. I went into counseling and tried to work through my lingering issues with my partner. I poured my heart and soul into a personal journal, saying how much I loved him and wanted to be better for others.

His father had terminal cancer and passed away a year after we moved in together, and a few months after I graduated college. I had a very difficult time because I became close to his father in a short amount of time. I wasn’t there for his father’s death- I was at home, very high, and my parents had to drive me 2.5 hours to his parents’ house. I wish I hadn’t, because now this event has come back to bite me in the rear.

Before his dad passed away, he told his son never to smoke weed again. My partner asked me to respect it and do the same. I had a really hard time with it and crossed that boundary so many times, lied about it, etc. and the shame I feel now is immense. A few months after his father’s passing, he was not the same. He gained so much weight from food and alcohol, I didn’t know how to support him. So I kept smoking weed, eventually he found out. I’ve never, ever seen him so angry in my life. His mom didn’t know what to do. I had to throw my mom under the bus for it- and now he doesn’t like her at all.

Since then, he’s never been the same. Again, it hurt me so much, I had to smoke weed again. I told him. And yet again, got incredibly angry. For 1.5 years it’s been so many verbal arguments and it’s gotten to our heads. It’s affecting my mental health, and I see how it’s affecting him. In the past, I tried antidepressants. Since being off, I’ve been going to the gym, trying to track my food, going to therapy, journaling, walking, diving deep into my uncomfortable emotions not only to better my relationship but to become a better human.

This past year has been the most difficult, and it’s hard to put it into words. I destroyed the man I was going to marry. Lately every time he drinks or is under a lot of stress, he says some very nasty things to me- he knows it gets under my skin. And I feel helpless, because I’m constantly reminded of what I did wrong in the past, apparently it’s holding me accountable. I tell my friends about it. And they all tell me the same thing- you need to let go. I know what might need to happen and it’s been keeping me up at night. I wish he could see how hard I’m trying to keep us afloat- financially, and in our relationship.

If I’ve learned anything from this…no one tells you how lonely it feels when you’re healing on your own.

TLDR: My 4 year relationship might be coming to an end because of past actions and it’s been resurfacing for the past year.

Feeling like I need some advice.
I (39F) have been feeling increasingly frustrated and heartbroken in my relationship, and I don’t know if I’m being reactive or if I’m finally seeing things clearly.
My partner has a very contrarian personality. It feels like almost every conversation turns into a debate. Every decision becomes an argument. Every idea is met with resistance before it can even be considered. Over time, it’s become exhausting.

For context, I’m well educated, have a career I genuinely care about, and while I’m certainly not wealthy (who is in this economy?), I feel like I’ve built a pretty stable life. There are things I wish were different financially, but overall I feel like I’m doing okay.

A few months ago, I brought up something that felt incredibly vulnerable to me: the possibility of having a child. I’m 39, and I’m very aware that I’m entering the later part of my reproductive years. His immediate response was that we’re too old.
That absolutely crushed me.

About a week later, he apologized after talking to one of his longtime friends who is the exact same age as he is, with a wife the exact same age as me. That friend basically told him, “We’re expecting our third child.”
Today, on the Fourth of July, I opened Instagram and saw that same couple smiling together, her eight months pregnant with their third baby, surrounded by their two boys.

I was genuinely happy for them. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t break something in me.

All I could think was: Why does it feel like everyone else gets to dream about building a life together, while every dream I bring into my marriage becomes a debate?
We’ve done couples counseling. I do my own therapy. I’ve tried communicating my needs in different ways. But I feel emotionally worn down.

Lately I’ve been wondering if what I really need is some space; not because I want to punish him, but because I don’t want to keep living in a place where I feel angry and resentful all the time.

Has anyone been in a relationship where your partner’s default response to life is to push back against everything? Did it ever change? Or did you eventually realize that it wasn’t about any one disagreement; It was about the emotional climate of the relationship itself?
I don’t know if I’m grieving the possibility of children, grieving the relationship I thought I’d have, or both. I just know I’m tired.

Tofu and konjac noodle stir fry kind of situation in the photo! I’m never eating konjac noodles again I feel like I spent about half an hour eating rubber

So for some context, I’m the only girl in the class as my sixth form is tiny and kind of in the middle of nowhere. I can deal with that because I don’t really care who I’m with, I’ll try to be friends with anybody and I’m good at politics, I got the highest grades in the year group for it during the mock exams.

BUT I found out recently because people have asked me for help with topics and stuff and for my notes, which I gave to them because I felt guilty saying no, I’ve been getting called “a tart with a heart” behind my back. I didn’t know what that meant until I found out that I was getting called that and I genuinely feel a little bit disgusted and I’m really quite upset about it because I was just trying to be nice.

I’m used to being assumed to be stupid because I don’t exactly come across as super clever with stuff that I’m into and how I speak and how I spend more time frolicking around with my friends than studying, along with my appearance since i literally haven’t shown up to school without glitter on my face since like year 8. But I’ve never had a boyfriend because every taking stage thought that I was too weird and broke it off with me. I’m not really claiming to be super intelligent because I’m not, but I’m predicted all A*’s, run my own blog talking about politics and I’ve done a ton of other stuff regarding politics purely for the love of the game, so I’m kinda upset about being reduced to being a “tart with a heart”.

I don’t know if I’m getting too butthurt over this because it’s just a name, but I feel so stupid for helping them when they were just going to call me that. And it just feels like a common theme every time i discuss anything politics related with a guy, i was talking to my dad’s friend the other day about politics and i got told “don’t worry about it” before he called me blondie?! Not even my name, he knew my name!! Im doing a degree in politics next year and now it just feels so futile.

God I’m in an atrocious mood, even if I was a tart with a heart I wouldn’t appreciate having that group of absolute asses for brains giving me the name, it’s parliamentary scrutiny not photos of my tits 🤷‍♀️

I reconnected with two old friends yesterday, I'd not seen them or spoken to them in almost three years. The three of us spoke over a group chat for a little while, updating each other on everything we'd done since we last saw each other.

One girl had just bought a house with her long-term boyfriend, she rambled slightly about curtains and wallpaper and she complained about the stress of dealing with solicitors. Still, she was happy.

The other girl had a quiet, courthouse wedding, and moved across the country with her husband to start the university course she'd always dreamt of. The course she'd been rejected from when I knew her.

Then, it was my turn to provide an update. Just a little commentary on my life. I stared down at my phone's keyboard until the letters blurred. A thought I'd barely dared to entertain was now front and centre of my mind.

I have done nothing with my life.

I've merely existed, I've haunted my parents' house for years now, when originally, moving back home was only supposed to be a temporary thing. I'm like an unspoken secret, an elephant in the room. My life hasn't evolved and I've remained stagnant. Few friends, no relationships. Trapped in the mind of a teenager, as I repeat the same actions I've always known. If it's not restriction, it's binge eating, or it's purging, or it's cutting, or it's drinking, or it's restriction. Round and round we go. How do normal people manage to keep all of their plates spinning at once?

I have no hobbies. That's not entirely true. My eating disorder is my hobby. Sometimes it might be all I know.

Still, I manage to paint my face on, paint my smile on, and drag my body to work every day. Pretending is exhausting, so it's a relief to retreat back to familiarity, be that with food or the bottle.

So, as I stared at the keyboard, urging my brain to conjure up something I've done in the last three years, I realised there's nothing. There's nothing to say and it's all my fault.

So I threw my phone at the wall and crawled back into bed. I'll try getting better tomorrow.

Nashville chicken sandwich and some blackberries

14-inch cheese pizza shared with my brother.

4th of July is a holiday celebrating the freedom of America. I call bullshit. No one was free except cishet white adult neurotypical Christian men. John Laurens said in Hamilton: “But we’ll never be truly free until those in bondage have the same rights as you and me.” I am not celebrating freedom when my rights and the rights of my fellow Americans are being stripped away before my eyes. It’s an inherently racist holiday, and I refuse to celebrate it.

Also, fireworks are horrible for the environment.

Coca Cola, french fries, a phantom cheeseburger (sorry I ate it before thinking about taking a picture lol), and the veggies I picked off my burger.

I will be 32 years old at the end of this month and I've never been on a date, and idk I just kinda been feeling like I want to try it now.

But I started losing hope as I looked through the profiles. It felt like slim pickins out there. It seemed like every profile picture was the same: guy holding a fish, guy holding a fish, gym selfie, guy holding a fish, bathroom mirror selfie, guy with his dog while holding a fish. I was like damn, is this all there is, what's the point. Just as I was about to give up, I stumbled across a guy with an interesting profile.

He described himself as a bookworm, and at first I was skeptical. But the more I read his profile, the more I thought, yeah okay, this dude actually reads. I don't know how to explain it, but his personality really came through in his writing, and now I kind of want to know him. Idk I'm not expecting anything from it. I just want a date where I can feel wanted and get to have a conversation with someone who isn't suffering from chronic brain rot (though I suffer from mild brain rot lol). Also, it doesn't hurt that I think he's hot.

The only thing stopping me right now is that he has the same name as my therapist and I'm like hmm that's something lol. Idk maybe I'm just nervous, but I think I'm going to ask him out.

I (F19) have been seeing a guy (M, late 20s) for about half a year. We're approaching 7 months together, although we're still not officially dating. I say "together" because we've been exclusive since our second date, so I've always seen us as working toward a relationship.

At first, I understood why he wanted to wait. During the first few months, he said he preferred to take things slowly and wanted to be respectful of my pace. Later, he also said he didn't want to "limit my lifestyle" since I'm more social than he is, and that I was in an "experimental phase" of life. That confused me because we'd already agreed to be exclusive, which made me think we were both serious. He also mentioned that he didn't want to fall in love too quickly because of a difficult previous relationship, so I tried to be patient.

Fast forward to now, and we're still not official.

He's met my close friends and people in my wider social circle, but I've never properly met his friends. I had a brief chance encounter with a family member, but other than that, we mostly spend time alone together at my place. I assumed maybe it was because of our age difference or that he was just a private person.

Until his ex texted me from Instagram...

"Hey girlie... [His Name] is my ex btw"

"Where are you from? Oh we're the same!"

Tell me why she looks like me, sounds like me, from the same background as me, went to the same university (a senior graduate, of course), and experienced the same agency as me.

And it all suddenly makes sense. He's comfortable playing boyfriend because we're similar. I couldn't stop wondering whether he's drawn to me because I remind him of her.

Ps: I found out they had ended a very long-term relationship only a few months before he met me, which he hadn't told me 😬 (I assumed he stopped dating at least 2 years). And that he's been sending me pictures (which I assume he took) during their time dating together, and bringing me to their same date spots.

Is this a me problem of being jealous or is it reasonable to be concerned? should I break it off with him because of how uncanny this is? I also have a feeling I can work this through communication 🥹 but I can't forget how this will impact how I see him from now on (like I'm her replacement).

[UPDATE]: he was also my first and he didn't use protection until I threatened that I was gonna have his baby if I was pregnant xx

Food of the day, aglio olio with a big ass shrimp. 😢😢😢

That is all. I love my husband. He is kind, handsome, loving and a great father.

Tomato and avocado toast with everything bagel seasoning!

Happy Sunday ladies!

TW: mention of SI, substance abuse, mental health issues, stealing

I got married in 2021. I have a high 6 figure job and 4 degrees. I work 60+ hours each week, including lots of weekend hours. I have always had issues with >!depression, anxiety, SI, being overweight, etc.!<

I knew when I married him he had a history of drug use but was sober at the time and had been for more than 5 years. 6 months after we got married he got hurt at his blue collar job and he fell off the wagon. From that day it has been him falling off the wagon and then sobriety. He crashed 2 cars during that period. No one was ever hurt and he was arrested after one. I paid for his lawyer. He got sober again - 1 year of sobriety but no job. Then his dad had a stroke and he takes over his dad’s company. He falls off the wagon again. I helped him get sober. Over the next few years he has spent over $25k of my money on random shit and drugs. I pay for all his medical, I pay for everything we own and do. He doesn’t have his name on any of my cards or bank accounts but I couldn’t bring myself to filing a claim against him for stealing. He was high on my 30th bday and high on my graduation from my 4th degree. He tried again to get sober this past year and ended up in the hospital bc of seizures. He was in the hospital for 1 month - on my 31st bday. Now he is sober and as healthy as someone with a long history of hard drug use can be, but still no job. He takes the trash out and kind of does some of the house chores but not a lot, I still have to do most of it and if I don’t the house is in shambles.

I want to leave. I’ve wanted to leave for so long. But I feel guilty because he isn’t a functional human. Before I got into therapy, I thought I deserved this situation and I had to take care of him or I was a terrible person. >!I thought my only escape was ending it all.!<

After so much therapy, I know its not my job to keep him alive, to give him happiness, to take care of him and I know I should have left in the first year. I feel like an idiot and a monster all at the same time. But I need to leave I can’t keep living like this. I want a real life. I want to live.

I love my bigender partner 🥰

I am 30. I have been celibate for a couple of years. After random hookups, I said I would wait until a few dates and I would make sure a guy likes me. I went out last night with a friend. We met a guy. Towards the end he asked me if I would go on a date with him. I was excited and said yes. He asked if I would get wine at his place. It was getting late and i said no. I said I didn’t want a random hookup. He said it was a low stake get to know each other. Normally, I would say no and go home. I went against my gut, and I stupidly said ok. I know it was dumb. We got to his place, and he pressured me into sex. I was pushing back and clearly very uncomfortable. He still kept pushing, and I was not into it. Finally he gave up. I explained I said clearly I didn’t want sex on the first date. It was not even a date. He said “he didn’t pressure me” and that it was my fault. He said I was the “red flag” and that something was wrong with me. I broke down and left. I feel awful, and I know I was dumb to agree to hang with him in his place.

TW just in case: body image issues

Sometimes I wonder if everyone is seeing a completely different person than I am.

Throughout my adult life people have constantly told me I'm beautiful. Like complete strangers will stop me in the street just to tell me I'm pretty or just stare and smile.

As a child, my experience was the complete opposite. I was bullied growing up as a mixed race kid in a racist country, even adults treated me awful, so I spent years believing I was ugly. I don't know if that's something my brain never let go of or wtf is going on now. I literally look the same, just different styling.

At work, when we go to an event, my coworkers/boss always joke to see how long it will take until someone tells me I'm beautiful. I smile and play along because I don't want to seem rude, but I feel like I'm literally going insane. I genuinely don't see what everyone else seems to see.

When I look in the mirror, I see someone who's ugly, funny looking, and just off. Some days I cancel plans or avoid leaving the house because I feel so hideous that I can't stand the idea of people looking at me.

I know beauty isn't everything, and I know it's such a trivial thing to be consumed by. But it affects how I see myself more than I'd like to admit.

It feels like they're describing someone else entirely.

Food is a scrumptious chocolate mug cake with dulce de leche filling

girlslop bowl: deconstructed chicken fajitas with a shitload of cheese and bell peppers

the dilemma: i’m 24F and i haven’t dated seriously since i broke up with my last boyfriend in September 2023. i’ve been working on myself—got to rock bottom last year and had to build myself back up. started running, changed my meds, all around a much more balanced person. but i’m lonely as fuck. having friends and hanging out with them isn’t a substitute for romantic love, no matter how hard i try and pretend it is. i said to myself at the beginning of the year that if love finds me this year then it won’t be on the apps, but i feel like that was just cope since all of my long term relationships in the past have come from fucking Tinder. i just feel shit out of luck because i can get other people partners (literally set up my older sister with this guy we met at an event in February, wham bam thank you ma’am, as of June they’re already official) but i can’t do the same thing for myself. oof. i am so tired of people saying “it’s better being single!!!!!” for me, no it’s not. i want a partner and i don’t want to feel bad about that