u/AccomplishedCrow7271

TW *R*pe mentioned, demonic encounters*

Hello, I'm just reaching out for some practical advice and prayers if you have them. I'm 27 years old and I struggle with pornography.

This started all the way to when I was 14. My parents would tell me to stay away from strangers because I could be r*ped. My friends at school laughed and joked about it. I didn't know what it meant, so I looked up a video, found a P*rn site, and was immediately hooked.

I felt so guilty and nasty after, but I couldn't stop watching. I never told anyone because I felt like the only girl in the world who watched it. This was a boy issue, girls don't do that stuff! So I hid it for years. Every time I watched I would apologize to God, but still go right back to it.

I finally truely gave my life to Christ in 2020. I received the Holy Spirit, and I felt all the guilt wash away. The craving was gone, I just wanted God and nothing else.

About a year later, I started having sleep paralysis. I wasn't too freaked out about it at first, I've had it before, and I knew how to wiggle my way out (slowly wiggling the toes, then the foot, the leg, etc. Til free). I had never seen, heard, or felt anything touch me during those times; but this time was different. I saw dark figures. I felt it touching me. At first, I would just call on Jesus, and after a moment or two it would stop, but soon, I started to wonder what would happen if I let it keep going. So I let it continue to touch me, and I started to like it. It was the most supernatural experience I'd felt in a long time, second to when I got baptized and got the Holy Spirit. I knew it was wrong but I let it happen. I just made sure to keep my eyes closed because I was terrified to see what it really was. One time during it touching me I felt something take it's claws and rake it across my stomach. I panicked and prayed it away, then promised that I wouldn't let it happen again. Sooner or later, however, I did.

The touches got more and more intimate, and more and more inappropriate, but I let it happen. When the demonic spirits started attacking me, they used the same tactics that hooked me when I was young. Needless to say, I was hooked again. I felt so guilty and dirty, but I was scared to tell anyone. I didn't understand too much myself, and while I was scared, I also enjoyed it. It got better when I left the bible school I went to. For a while. It would get to the point that I'd almost forget about it and then it would happen again. This time though, it wasn't many spirits. I could tell it was just one now.

It usually attacked when I fell asleep during my lunch breaks (I worked from home and would collapse on my bed for a 30 minute nap). I was usually afraid to open my eyes, but when I did, I saw a humanoid dark shadow-like figure on top of me. I don't remember if it had eyes, I tried not to look for very long. I knew that l should've been praying it away, but didn't. Sometimes I looked forward to its visits. It was almost like we would meet in between worlds. It was like I was asleep yet I wasn't. I could feel my whole body viberating, I couldn't move for the most part, but as time went on I had a little mobility. It was like moving underwater, but heavier. I pretended I didn't want it but I did. I blamed it on the fact that I was making these choices while I'm delusional, asleep. That's not what I really wanted. But deep down I know I did. I read up on spiritual spouses at that time (God showed me the reason i didn't want to get married was due to a spirit spouse), prayed against it, and threw the "ring" away. It would still visit me time to time, but less frequently. Sometimes I would give in to its advances, sometimes I wouldn't. It still happens, but less frequently now. Usually it will show up when I'm getting closer to God, or if I'm drifting away from Him. I still struggle with the pornography, but I want to stop. I hate it, because I know I love God, yet I keep falling into the same trap. I've never slept with a man, but I still know what that sensation feels like. What do I tell my future husband? I just feel dirty, lost, and tired. How can I finally be free of this? I feel like a fraud.