He cheated, but doesn’t want to separate?
We’ve together for 13 years, married for three. When we got married we delayed our honeymoon as he left our city to work a few hours away for three months. When he came back, he told me he’d be leaving again a few days later for over a year, again for work. I wasn’t consulted, just informed. I asked him to stay but he refused.
I had already started to resent him because he had stopped contributing to our home. I did all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, trash, you name it. He cleaned the bathroom once a month. I also earn almost double, so was also paying for everything. When I asked him to do more, he called me a nag. He returned to our city early last year once his work project was done, but while he was away I found him more irritable and quicker to anger than he had been before we married.
Just before he returned, I had an abnormal pap which resulted in a hysterectomy to prevent onset of cervical cancer. There were three procedures in total during the year, and he missed two of them. He collected me after the final surgery but went to work 12 hours later.
We’ve struggled with intimacy for a few years, partially down to physical issues for him and me not wanting to pressure him while he worked it out with his doctor. He only ever tried to instigate when I was doing something like chores or cooking and I was never in the mood when being a housemaid.
Last month I spotted a message on his phone, him calling someone “so hot”. I waited a few days and checked his phone, and found tons of messages from women, going back years.
I confronted him and at first he lied and said the first message I saw was him messing with his friends. When I told him I knew more, he admitted it and said he’d talked to these women because he felt lonely and rejected. He blamed me. He swore he’d never slept with anyone. I was started counselling to work out if I could live with it.
I then found a list he’s been keeping of all the women he’s slept with. My name is on there, and there are forty names after mine. He’s been cheating on me for years and years.
It’s entirely possible that his extracurricular activities gave me the disease which necessitated the surgeries, but there’s no way to know for sure.
I’ve told him it’s over. We need to sell the house and move on with our lives. He’s refusing to engage or discuss it. When I last raised separation, he walked out of the room and refused to speak to me for 6 hours. He wont leave our home so I’ll have to go instead.
He’s doing every chore he ignored for years as though it will allow us to stay together and I feel suffocated. I can’t work out if it’s abusive or if he’s literally incapable of dealing with the consequences of his own actions.
I have no appetite but dinner is a cheese plate, apple and pear with walnuts, Brie, Wensleydale, mature and smoked cheddar, plus chili jam.