We can't afford food but my family wants us to have a baby
My snack is the last off-brand thin mint in the package because I've been saving it for a moment when I need to treat myself.
Hi, I don't usually post on reddit, just lurk, so if I do something wrong, I apologize. This community just seems so wholesome and sisterly that I feel safe venting here.
So, long story short(er), this year has been significantly financially unstable for my husband and me. I have chronic migraines and really struggle to hold down a job, so for the previous few years, my husband has been the primary breadwinner and I supplement with gigs and side jobs when physically able. I got to rest when I needed and help when I could, and it was great. We didn't have a ton of surplus money, but we weren't living paycheck to paycheck either. Things were really comfortable and on an upward incline and our savings was the highest it had ever been, and we'd even begin trying to conceive because we've both always wanted kids and thought we were safe enough to try.
Then, things just started happening. I won't get into all of it because we'd be here all day, but here's some highlights:
We moved, which took a decent chunk of our savings, and then before we'd managed to recover, our car had a very expensive break down that took a solid bite out of what was left. Then I had two ER visits close together and each cost around $2k even with insurance, then my husband and I proceeded to both get COVID, and while we were both down for the count with high fevers, he found out he was being laid off from his tech job. He immediately started trying to damage control and find more work, but the whole field was and is hemorrhaging employees or in the midst of hiring freezes and he couldn't (and can't) get in anywhere.
It's been a year. We're barely scraping by with both of us working and doing gig work. He got a job at a small local manufacturer and I clean buildings at night. I'm in so much pain all the time and it's absolutely miserable, and my husband is getting more and more burnt out as time goes on from the perpetual anxiety. We have a penny in our savings account. At the end of last month, we had seven dollars left, total.
We're not being financially irresponsible. We've reduced everything we pay for. Any unnecessary purchases (subscriptions, hobby supplies, etc) are gone. Grocery shopping is potatoes, bread, rice, and peanut butter. My prescriptions are affordable only through the help of a local clinic. We drive as little as possible to conserve gas. These $1.99 cookies from WinCo are the first chocolate I've had in *months* and they were heavily debated on before purchasing.
It's exhausting and scary and I'm terrified of the day we can't pay rent, because it's coming, and oh boy is it coming soon. We found out yesterday that my husband is being laid off from his new company because they're downsizing. We can't afford our current small apartment on only what I bring in and nowhere he's applied has so much as interviewed him.
I'm scared. So freaking scared. We're doing so much. My husband has sent out *thousands* of applications and reached out to every single person he can think of for opportunities. I'm working myself to exhaustion and constant pain with so little to show for it. I feel the broken promise of the American dream like jaws waiting to close around me at any given moment, and through all of this, my family keeps encouraging us to have a baby.
*A baby.*
We can't afford to feed ourselves and barely scrape together enough for rent.
My family will listen to and commiserate when we tell them our financial woes and have even helped as much as they can, but as soon as I mention being sad we had to stop trying to conceive, it's like everything I just said is erased from their minds.
"You can make it work, parents always do."
"The most expensive thing about babies is the birth."
"They don't even eat for several months so they won't be a financial drain on you."
"You'll get a bigger return in tax season."
And on and on and on and on...
Just last week, I had to sit there and listen to my mom and sister list all the reasons we shouldn't let impending homelessness stop us from having a baby. They wouldn't stop talking about it no matter how many times I tried to change the subject and I felt every reassurance like a brick being added to the pile on my back.
I want a child. It's been something I've wanted as long as I can remember. But I don't just wanna spawn in a kid and not be able to care for it. I want to give my baby a safe, happy, healthy childhood with ample food, clothing, school supplies, health insurance, and all the wonderful things money can buy. I never want them to worry about where we're sleeping tomorrow or if they'll have dinner on the table in the evening. I can't bring a whole human being into a world when I can't even keep myself and the man I love more than anything in a stable position. I just *can't* and I'm so exhausted by all of this and by the constant reminders that only a year ago, we were so close to everything I've ever wanted, and it was snatched from us and continuing to slip further and further away.
EDIT: I am so sincerely, genuinely touched by the response to this post. I wrote this in a very sad mindset with my last cookie and the weight of everything we're going through on my shoulders, and the outpouring of understanding, compassion, support, and validation has been so healing for me. I've received so many loving messages and comments that I can't reply to them all and that's absolutely incredible. I know I don't need other people's validation in a decision like parenthood, but when you have hundreds of women telling you you're making the right choice despite the pain it causes, it really, really helps cement that it is what you need to do. I admit that I had doubt that I was making the right choice and that added to the pain I was feeling. To have so many people say no, it is the right choice, has made me feel more anchored than ever.
Thank you to everyone who has commented, from the bottom of my heart. Even the tough love comments have felt like love and I really needed to hear it.
The three loudest messages I've heard from this post are that I definitely shouldn't have a baby right now, that I need to be able to accept help from my community and take better care of myself, and that I have more options than I thought when it comes to my migraines. I've received so much insight on all of these topics (and I gladly welcome more. I might not respond but I'm reading every single comment and message) and for the first time in months I feel like I have a course of action. That, more than anything else, makes me feel so much better than I have been recently.
So again, thank you so much. This experience has been nothing short of beautiful and I never expected how comforted this would make me feel. I really, really needed it. 🩷