r/AuDHDWomen

Me (19 ENBY/AFAB) I have for the majority of my life felt like a man at heart. And it sucks!

Now I do identify as non binary for a very autistic reason which is a full rejection of the gender binary and wanting nothing to do with it. but there's this maddening lingering feeling still.

Call it a lack of female representation, black and white thinking or anything else, but I cannot procrastinate once without feeling like the biggest disappointment ever, and not just that but when I think of disappointment I think of men.

As a feminist I totally believe that men are the biggest slackers ever, by design (of the patriarchy not like some bio essentialist bs) i believe that the act of slacking off and loading someone else (a woman specifically) with your shit is a thing that men do. Also the part where I have struggled with empathy for most of my life, empathy felt like an instinctous thing for all the girls/ women in my life. And as a feminist I also believe that is by design of the patriarchy, women arbitrarly grow up to be empaths. While that did not happen to me, in fact I found myself relating more to my male peers. And that made me ashamed to my core when that whole "pick me" thing started.

And I believe that it is why I have felt terribly ashamed of my ADHD tendencies for a long time, and not just ashamed, I believed fully that it only meant on thing And that thing is that I am a man at heart.

Now I think this line of reasoning is not correct as I have finally came to understand my own situation of this equation, but I see it as a really good explanation of why I felt the way I felt as an ADHD AFAB person. And I believe that is a lot of other adhders' experience too so I'd like to know if this feels relatable :)

Diagnosed last year at 27 with autism, ADHD, and CPTSD. Later, the ADHD diagnosis was removed after neuro testing because they felt it was “just autism,” but I still strongly suspect ADHD and both my psychiatrist and therapist do too. Both of my parents have ADHD and both of my siblings do as well, which makes it even harder for me to fully let go of the possibility.

I’m honestly struggling right now. A lot of burnout, executive dysfunction, anxiety, masking fatigue, hypervigilance, social exhaustion, etc. I feel like I’ve spent most of my life surviving and compensating instead of actually living.

For those of you further along in healing/recovery/self-understanding:

• Are you genuinely happy now?
• Does life feel easier or less heavy?
• Does the constant anxiety/internal tension calm down?
• Do social interactions become less draining and effortful?
• Did burnout improve?
• Do you actually enjoy life and feel connected to yourself?
• Or does it always feel like managing symptoms and compensating?
• And what has genuinely helped you improve or heal outside of medication? I’m not really looking for more med suggestions right now because I’ve tried a lot already and still feel like I’m struggling. I’m more interested in what actually changed your quality of life, nervous system, burnout, anxiety, relationships, or ability to function day to day.

I think I just need some hope and honesty from people who get it.

Does anyone else latch onto words you’ve just heard in conversation or on telly and spell them out in the air (beside your body not way out there) repeatedly with your finger in cursive? Or is it just me 😂

31F here. Let me preface this by saying that I’m definitely not a “pick me” who believes that “guys are less drama than girls” or prefers to be surrounded by a gaggle of men. I desperately want friendships with other women, and I don’t see women as my competition. I have a wonderful boyfriend of 2 years who I don’t need to mask around, a successful job in corporate America, and a few long distance female friends that I’ve known since childhood.

That being said, I have been very hungry for close friendships with women my age, in my city. Over the years, I’ve noticed that women “pick up” on my neurodivergence and masking more easily than men, in both social and work settings. Unfortunately, they have also often been less tolerant of it. When I’m with a guy, quirks of personality get laughed off. With women, I sometimes feel like a “wolf pretending to be a sheep” that has been found out, and they have often been less forgiving.

Much of this may be situational - as a woman, I gravitate towards interacting with women, which would naturally lead to more opportunities for negative social interactions. It also may be a self fulfilling prophecy, as I have much more anxiety when interacting with women due to the fear of rejection. But it still hurts.

Has anybody had a similar experience?

Hello! My partner and I started trying for a baby this year and we got pregnant MUCH faster than I was expecting - which is so exciting and fantastic news, but also a very big change and pretty scary and has thrown me into a series of unknowns.

I think I’m about 5/6 weeks pregnant and my current stresses at the moment are:

1. I have very few symptoms and I’m perpetually stressing out about if I’m actually pregnant or if I’ve had a missed miscarriage. I basically am just SUPER hungry and SUPER sleepy but that’s it! I did initially have very bad breast tenderness but that’s since gone and sometimes I feel nauseous but also I then wonder if I’m convincing myself I feel nauseous because I want to be because that would confirm I’m having a healthy and real baby. I’ve spoken about this with my doctor and she has no concerns about a missed miscarriage and obviously my blood test says I’m pregnant but I am SO in my own head about this.

2. I am becoming more and more stringent around my food and am constantly concerned about if what I’m eating could harm the baby. I’m sooooo sketched out about meat and if it’s cooked properly (this was already an issue for me that has been exacerbated), if it’s not food I’ve prepared myself I’m thinking “did they wash the vegetables? Is the food in date? Is it all safe?” And even for restaurants that we frequent I’m thinking “even though I’ve never had food poisoning here before what if this is the one time they mess up and I get it?”. I can’t always prepare every meal because of my energy levels (even before I was pregnant) and the overstimulation of cooking. I would just eat only my safe foods but I also want to make sure I’m getting proper nutrition.

My Husband is being super supportive: he’s been reading Expecting Better by Emily Oster and reassuring me with the meaning of actual statistics and science, but I am still so in my own head - especially about 1).

I also have fortnightly therapy appointments that I attend and will be talking more about this in and I think I’ll feel a lot better after my 8 week scan when I have proof that there is in fact a baby in there.

But I really wanted to know if anyone else’s experience was like this and if there was any practical things you did that helped you?

Wait did my autism just confuse me? Help decode this please... Applied for an apartment. They have a form of instructions for how to verify income if you're self-employed. It says EITHER provide last year's tax return which means you have to make 3x the monthly rent, OR if you want to do 12 months bank statements, you have to make 5x the monthly rent. Dumb but whatever... they also said you could provide proof of other things like child support.

So, I provided my tax return & proof of child support. They said their AI computer system couldn't accept the child support because proof, so that was out, and I was now short of the 3x the monthly rent.

So she called me & kept asking me if I had any other sources of income I could provide. I kept saying no, I've already provided everything. She said a few times do you want to come by on Tuesday & go over everything & see if there's anything else we can use? In my brain it was very black & white. I provided what the sheet said to qualify for 3x monthly rent & you're saying I'm short, so I guess I'm short. (I was honestly also fed up because they were having a lot of tech issues during this whole process & it was kind of just like why bother at this point).

But now it's hours later & I'm remembering their phone calls are recorded & their emails are monitored, so maybe she wanted me to come in in person so she could use some of this years income towards it even though technically according to the sheet that unlocks the 5x the monthly rent option & I would still be short then... but in person maybe she could fudge things?

I can't tell if she was just sad & trying to be "helpful," or trying to send me a hidden message my brain was unable to pick up on.

They're closed until Tuesday... I wasn't like MEAN, but I wasn't exactly happy to get denied after 5 days of jumping through hoops, & then being pestered non-stop about trying to find income I forgot to report, so I feel a bit weird trying to follow up with her now, but I LOVED this place. And honestly, it's part of the disability. Black & white thinking, strict rule following, not picking up on social cues, social anxiety, rigidity, etc... but, most people aren't very understanding of all of this (even though she does know I'm on the spectrum).

Im sorry if I make any mistakes or can’t find the right words because English is not my first language.

I’m a 28 year old woman who is currently being tested for autism. I also got an ADHD-diagnosis a year ago and take medication, which has improved my daily life.

With that being said, for years I’ve been struggling with lots of small and more severe things. Some problems I have, I can now understand that they’re caused by symptoms of my ADHD. However, one of the many things that I was never able to understand was my severe problem with intimacy.

My fiancée and I have been together for almost 11 years. He truly is the love of my life. He is the most gentle, patient and truly understanding human in the world to me.

When we met and the first three years of our relationship, we had an amazing sex life. We tried everything we felt like trying, had sex regularly and even been really kinky sometimes too. He told me, he could really explore his sexuality, find out what he likes and is really grateful for being in a relationship with me. Both of our needs were always in the center of it all, he never forced me to do anything that I didn’t feel like doing. I would even say, that most of the time it was me initiating things.

Now I think it is really important to say that at the first few years of our relationship, I was experimenting with drugs and alcohol a lot. Today I am 8 years sober.

I think the substances played a big role in our sex life, because when I look at the last 8 years, it has become almost impossible for me to have sex with him.

I’ve been asking myself what is wrong with me. I talked to my old psychiatrist, she said it’s because I’m depressed. But I’m not depressed.
I’ve talked to my gynecologist and she said men just generally have a higher libido.
We were so close to going to a couples or sex therapist.
I looked into asexuality.
And nothing explains what I feel in the moment when I can’t be intimate with my partner.

I love him more than anything, I want to be intimate with him. I fantasize about it. Sorry for being blunt but I am horny almost every day.

I have a new psychiatrist. I told her about all of my daily struggles. And long story short: she thinks I may have autism and I’m currently being tested.

To be honest, I didn’t really knew much about autism but the research I have done has been really eye opening. And if we come back to intimacy, it all makes sense to me now.

I finally understand that the main issue is a sensory problem. It’s not that I don’t love him or have a lower libido than him. It’s not because I felt like a “broken woman”.

It’s the sensory overload I get from kisses, especially with tongue. When he touches certain body parts in the wrong order I made up in my head. When it’s spontaneous. It’s so many different things that literally send jolts through my body and I just can’t continue when that happens. I swear it could be the smallest thing, like his beard poking me, that causes me to completely shut down. Many times I have even started crying because I was so overwhelmed.

Since realizing that autism may be the reason for my behavior, we talked in great detail about how we could make sex easier for me. We made a routine that we follow and communicate more clearly.

But tonight I felt like a failure. He tried his absolute best and took so much time to ease me into it. He was so understanding and gentle but suddenly the remote fell from the bed.
And that was it. I was not able to continue. My heart started racing, I needed space and I couldn’t bare a single touch anymore. I started crying really hard.

Before connecting my behavior to autism, it was much easier for me. Our sex life hasn’t been easy the last 8 years. But it kinda worked. I don’t know how else to say it but it was easier for me to just adapt. Do things although they felt uncomfortable for me. It’s not that I didn’t like it but I was able to let loose much easier. I could ignore the discomfort and just focus on the good parts.

And now, I just can’t.
Today I read about skill regression. And I am wondering if this is possible for intimacy.
I notice it in many aspects of my life right now and it’s exhausting.

Has anyone else experienced this in their sex life?

When you realize that you are overstimulated, what are your go-to strategies to relieve yourself?

I know many here are US based so bear with me.

We had a council election recently. It's not government, it's local. So who maintains parks, decides on priorities for services etc locally only

Anyway, I'm Muslim and white. I wear hijab.

Guess who got the seat in my area? Reform. Reform who are anti Muslim, anti women, anti anyone who isn't white.

I'm struggling to not dysregulate. This means there are a good number of people in my own area who would prefer to see me out of my own country. It just makes the world seem so fucking hostile. And I don't know how to ride out this feeling.

I genuinely have no idea what this experience is and haven't seen it mentioned elsewhere and don't even see it in the autism criteria. For context, I have giftedness, ADHD, dyslexia, OCD, anxiety, and autism L1. I used to be clearly autistic up until ~ 2 yrs ago (infodumping, monologuing, literal communication, clear stimming, etc). So I at least clearly "had" autism (even though I know you can't "un-have" it. I don't really struggle with communication anymore and actually try really hard to make everyone feel good, welcomed, appreciated, etc sometimes to my own determent but it feels authentic and alligned with me, not like a 'mask' I put on. My main difficult now socially (I clearly fit the other parts of autism) is that I have a hard time 'putting the pieces together' socially and am SOOOO analytical almost to my determent. I am very strong socially, but then I open my mouth and the autism falls out. Like I was talking about all my rules and clear social structure of how I think about the level of friendship and my mom was like wtf?? because apparently others don't think about things that hard. It's like I'm existing on this whole other intellectual level all of the time but also failing at fundemental human understanding that neurotypicals never even think about. But sometimes I don't feel autistic at all because I don't really struggle with being monotoned, having a flat affect, having different communication, etc anymore. But I'm not really neurotypical either. What is this?? I haven't seen this represented and I'm so confused!! Am I just gifted and anxious??

I understand this sounds a lot like masking and I did put a lot of effort into learning how to be this way but now it feels mostly in line with who I am it's just that I have to think about it more. But it's not like I'm pretending to be someone else or putting my fake face on. I don't feel like I belong anywhere in what I've seen about autism but I clearly have something going on. Has anyone else experienced this?? Or maybe it's something else??

I can't tell whether these sensory sensitivities fall into ADHD, autism or both, but what I do know for certain is that the heightened emotional response I get to these things feels beyond what a normal reaction would be.

Coffee slurping? Absolutely can't stand it. The sound of plastic bottles scrunching? Omg no. Or even listening to audio on speaker from someone else's phone in the background is horrible. If I eat something that requires my hands like a wrap and it starts to fall apart and get messy, I get SO IRRITATED.

Can anyone else relate? Please enlighten me on whether this is a neurodivergent thing and, if so, what type exactly? I'm a diagnosed ADHDer but have speculated AuDHD tbh.

Hi all. I (33f) was diagnosed as an adult, and one of my biggest problems that gets in the way of every single aspect of my life is my rejection sensitivity. Before diagnosis, I had gone to therapy for 'imposters syndrome' issues, but nothing helped ease this. My rejection sensitivity paralyzes me. I'm going to therapy, but I'd like some hope and things to try from people who have successfully overcome at least some of this. I don't expect it to ever go away, but I'd love to get to a point where it doesn't always interfere with my life.

Been married for a long time. My husband checked out 5 yrs ago. His job took him mentally. Our relationship is not what it used to be. I’ve been so lonely and feeling unseen in our marriage. I thought I could tough it out, but I feel my flame for him has gone out. Especially over time when he didn’t want to spend time with me, he would get agitated if our coffee dates went too long. He’s recently come back 8 months ago saying let’s go out on a weekly date. That’s nice, but like I said how do you push through when the flame has died. Plus I can’t relax, that feeling of he’s going to get upset because our date went too long. He wants me to be a trad wife. I am more like trad wife lite but not deep trad. At church I feel dead inside bc now I go to appease him (I used to go for me, I had personal relationship with Christ, I still do but this burn out of performative behavior has cleaned my clock)
He is harsh and doesn’t value my opinion. I have held back so many words. I love him and hate him.

I feel isolated, I work remote. I make male and female friends via Reddit over shared interests. A few days ago I met a dude over my fav band and had great talks with him, he was engaged with me, asking me questions, I now fear I’ve gone limerant over him. And funnily enough he ghosted me today and I feel sick, I didn’t set out to have feelings for this random internet man and before you scream at me how evil I am I’m just stating how I got here. I now realize how deep the hole is and how vulnerable I am to this man’s short lived attention (it made me feel seen, it made me feel like a person) because of what I’m lacking and I have to be a big girl and cut off contact should he message again, bc now it’s an intentional choice to be a girl with shitty integrity.

I have adhd and autism but when I struggle with things and use those words, I’m not allowed to bc those things are not real according to my husband. He is emotionally unavailable and avoidant and he has adhd and I wonder if autistic as well. There have been times where I’ve told my husband I’m starving. He just stands there. No discussion. The words don’t even exist. I feel like I’m going crazy. Do I even exist?

Je suis en plein parcours diagnostique pour un possible TSA.

J’ai 30 ans. Ma mère a été diagnostiquée à 54 ans par une neuropsy (en attente de validation psychiatrique), et de mon côté je suis actuellement en plein burn-out, avec une phobie sociale très intense et un isolement important. Ma médecin traitante m’a orientée vers une neuropsychologue, et j’attends qu’elle me propose une date de rendez-vous. Ça fait 20 jours, et depuis je tourne complètement en boucle sur le sujet. Mon chômage se termine dans deux mois, et je ne sais pas comment je vais pouvoir faire face avec cette anxiété sociale devenue si intense pour reprendre le travail...

Je lis tout ce que je trouve : forums, revues scientifiques, témoignages, débats sur les outils diagnostiques, critiques des neurosciences, du DSM V et ses conflits d’intérêts, dimensions politiques et sociales du diagnostic… Je remets en question le cadre lui-même, je me remets en question moi-même, et je suis dans une forme d’obsession permanente autour de ça.

Aujourd’hui, je suis tombée sur un thread de psychiatres disant que de plus en plus de personnes cherchent un diagnostic de ND pour “externaliser leurs problèmes”, et ça m’a fait énormément douter de ma démarche. Je me sens comme un lapin devant les phares complètement bloquée, dans une attente absurde. J'ai craqué une énième fois mais là j'ai l'impression d'avoir perdu tellement de capacités et d'espoir de solutions...

Je vois bien qu’il y a aussi un mouvement de société derrière tout ça : le contexte politico-économique , à savoir un capitalisme néolibéral fasciste, la difficulté croissante à s’adapter à un monde dont les normes sont inhumaines, et donc le besoin de reconnaissance à travers des identités qui permettraient de justifier ou de donner du sens à cette inadaptation face à une violence généralisée, le sous-diagnostic des personnes assignées femmes à la naissance, l’évolution des critères diagnostiques sur un spectre, la prise de parole autour de l’autisme sur les réseaux sociaux… Et parfois je me demande si je ne suis pas simplement quelqu’un qui cherche des excuses à ses difficultés d’adaptation dans un système qui fait souffrir énormément de monde.

Je ne veux pas m’autodiagnostiquer. En même temps, certaines adaptations m’aident déjà concrètement. Ma vie me semble prendre enfin une cohérence dans mes difficultés depuis la maternelle et mes effondrements réguliers. Mais je ne me sens pas légitime à m’approprier un diagnostic qui appartient aux professionnels de poser. Et les débats très vifs autour de l’autodiagnostique et de la neurodivergence dans la communauté des psychiatres et des TSA renforcent encore ce sentiment d’illégitimité.

J’aimerais vraiment avoir des témoignages de personnes qui sont passées par cette phase d’attente avant un diagnostic

. Est-ce que vous aussi vous êtes partis dans une hyperfixation sur le sujet ?

. Comment vous avez vécu le doute et l’attente ?

. Est-ce que certaines adaptations vous ont aidés avant même d’avoir un éventuel diagnostic ? Je vais voir une psy spécialisé en TND pour un suivi

Merci à celles et ceux qui prendront le temps de répondre.

I'm 37f and I take 60mg of Vyvanse everyday. If I do not take my Vyvanse that day (and I do not take it later than 11a, otherwise my sleep is fucked), I will be fighting off sleep all day. I HAVE slept all day in the past after a skipped dose. It's so bad that I have finally asked my psychiatrist for a "just-in-case" Adderall IR prescription, 10mg tablets, for days when it is too late to take Vyvanse but I don't want to sleep all day.

I asked my psych if this is normal and she's like "Noooo... you might need to get checked out for narcolepsy..."

Like...I don't wannaaaaaa. 😭 I have already been diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos, Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia, ADHD, Autism Lvl. 1, Major Depression, and Anxiety this year. I did do an in- office sleep study (sleep apnea runs in my family) this year. I guess I'd have to request the "Nap Test"...

I do have a history of falling asleep ("sleep attacks") during college lectures and long meetings. I depend on the Vyvanse to be awake. Before it, I would get stressed about work tasks even though I know what to do, and then I would take a nap instead. Stress naps? IDK. Wasn't very productive!

Jet lag kicks my ass. I do dream during naps and the ten minutes between snoozed alarms in the morning. Apparently going straight to REM is a symptom of narcolepsy?? Also sometimes I will hear music or conversations drifting off to sleep. I know they're not real, but I kinda think it's cool and I like finding out what random sounds my brain decides to string together before shutting down.

Aaaaanybody else here get diagnosed with comorbid narcolepsy? What is your narcoleptic experience like?

So, in retrospect, this was really dumb. I had gotten upset with a coworker who is also my friend for walking away from conversations and generally doing confusing things. We had a conversation. It was okay, but I felt like I still needed to apologize.

So what did I do? I gave this coworker a comic book with a handwritten apology letter slipped in the bag. I have a tendency to apologize very thoroughly. I am a very, very sentimental person, and I say things that are too intense compliment wise very frequently.

I didn't mean for this to be intense. I just thought it would be a good gesture and apology. But now that I've thought about it more, that was really, really odd behavior on my part. It wasn't meant to be. I'm not trying to be weird and wrong. How would I go about fixing this without making it worse? I'm scared to go back to work.

I hate it when this happens. I feel like I start to walk funny when it happens. I always have to be deep in thought, with music playing and I have to have something I can stim with in my hand.

Anyone else deal with this too? Lol

I also experienced something similar with my breathing and I had to calm myself down so I wouldn't freak out and forget how to breathe. Jfc

I am a very low energy person. I don't get excited. I don't yap. I don't get competitive. I talk in a really boring tone. I'm exhausted all the time. I can't form my words coherently. I struggle to spontaneously conversate. And when I do talk I can barely even break out of my own head enough to actually listen to and engage and have fun in the conversation. I can't think of topics to speak about(I have a special interest in and think about politics constantly but my partner does not want to talk about politics constantly, but I feel like I have nothing else in my head).

I forget conversations, plans, details about my partner, which stories I've told or which ones I've heard. I have constant urges to self isolate. We have the same conversations because I make the same mistakes. And what hurts the most is that I love my partner so much, nothing about this is due to me not loving them or not wanting to be with them. I love them and yet I still have all these fucking problems.

I didn't used to be this bad. In college I could talk to him for hours. What happened to me?

I know that getting a sleep schedule and figuring out meds and exercising can help me with this. I just hate that it's slow. We are working on building a routine where we schedule time and activities together because my stupid fucking brain requires discipline in order to hang out with the person I love. It makes me feel pathetic that I need that. Why is it so hard? I mean I know why, it's the fucking autism, but I don't know why I can't give myself that grace and recognize that instead of beating myself up about not being good enough. I feel like my love should just make me "get over" my symptoms, I know that's not true but I still feel terrible for having those symptoms hurt my partner and myself and our relationship. If I love them, why do I struggle? Wouldn't I just be better? If I **want** to change, why is it still so hard?

Ugh. That's it. I'm working on getting better, and we're doing it together, so that's really all I can do for now. I just wish I could unplug some of the emotions from all this. When I get home I'll remind them how grateful I am for them to be with me and to be putting up with this shit and help me change. I wont give up even though this is hard because I deserve and they deserve the happier, more involved version of myself, even if I have to construct it brick by brick

I have a few go-to sleep meditations that work pretty well for me but I’m looking to shake things up.

Here’s mine:

- imagining I’m rolling down a hill in a tire and counting each rotation
- imagining I’m holding onto bars like so “|>o:–<“ and spinning around like a gymnast while counting
- singing the entirety of Hamilton from start to finish
- listing us states in alphabetical order
- window shopping

These all seem to require just enough passive focus and activate just enough senses to quiet all the other noise and loll me to sleep. Who else is doing this and what are you doing?

TW: family death, assisted suicide

From a young age I noticed that I have dealt with death very differently from the rest of my family and I just wanted to know if others are the same or if I'm broken.

My grandfather died last year and it broke my mom for a while. My parents live down the road from me and we are very close, I work at the family business on their property which coincidentally my grandparents also live on, its a big plot. So my grandparents were very much a part of my life and events with the family. My grandpa was pretty stubborn with his ways and stayed in bed or on the couch most of the time, only appearing to eat when food was ready and off he went. Not at all emotional or particularly loving but he was grandpa. When he died I didn't feel the sadness I thought I would feel. Granted he died basically with assisted suicide as he had terminal cancer so we knew for a long time that it was coming, but my mom as I said was broken.

The day he died I went there and as I walked through they were wheeling his body out to take it away (he donated his body to science). It shocked me to know my grandpa was under there and to know that I would never see him again, show him a song (we are big music people) or play a boardgame with him again.

I felt numb, but not particularly sad (mind you my mom was also blaringng In The Arms Of The Angel so it was very overwhelming)

About a split second later I saw my mom as she saw him being wheeled out and she broke down. This is what affected me the most, my mom being sad and the thought that her dad was gone for ever and how devastating it was for her.

This morning my grandmother died and again I feel a deep sadness for my dad that his mother is gone, but I don't know if I am sad or not. I feel numb but not sad. I don't know if this is because both of them had presenting symptoms for at least a year prior and I had made my peace with it, or if I am broken and a little evil.

For reference, I habitually overthink about my parents dying and I am terrified of it. I cry at least weekly for no reason about it. They are still healthy and my moms mom is still alive so I hate that my brain is doing this. I am also extremely attacked to my animals and spend weeks crying if I lose one of my rats. In fact I know my one girl is getting older and it actually brought me to tears to think about today. TODAY. My freaking grandmother died and I feel almost indifferent over it yet the thought of my rat dying brought me to tears....

What is wrong with me :(