u/Ghosted_Gurl

I was always afraid this would happen. I lost my job recently, again, after trying my hardest to stay there. A long time friend of mine lives in a big house in an HOA neighborhood, and she offered to let my 4 year old and I move in with them until I could get my HUD voucher (the USA housing assistance). I've been on the wait list for 2 years now. And I've probably got another year to go. So I agreed and started packing.

Turns out her landlord didn't like the idea, and 20 days into my 30 days notice, he pulled the plug. Flat out said no, because he's afraid we'll become squatters. I would never, but it doesn't matter. I have no money for next months rent, and I need to be out.

Another friend is trying to open a group home for women with disabilities. And she's been waiting for ages to get the state to inspect it. So she's letting us stay there, with the understanding that once the state comes to inspect we need to split.

I pull into the driveway of this lovely house, flanked by other lovely homes. The elderly neighbor waves from his beautiful garden as he tends to a persimmon tree. I'm hauling totes of my things from a 20 year old car into a fully furnished house, a house waiting to home women with disabilities. One that I have to leave when they arrive. Because as far as SSDI is concerned- they're disabilities are real. My son is a wreck. He doesn't understand what's happening and I'm so exhausted and angry.

I'm angry at my deceased parents who left me nothing. I'm angry at my brother for dying young and never being there for me. I'm angry at my friend for her cavalier attitude (she didn't bother to ask her landlord for weeks) and I'm so so mad at myself. At my brain. And at the contrast between the person I thought I would be and who I am.

I've lost my job... again. The sad thing is they were trying so hard to keep me there. They lowered the bar multiple times. But I just kept making mistake after mistake. The whole thing was just so humiliating. I left some things I really want at my desk and I'm just too embarrassed to go back for them.

It's so frustrating because I look at the other women I worked with and there was no real difference in intellect. They aren't exceptional, they're just normal people. And they were able to do my job day in and day out. I don't think I'm stupid. But I question that sometimes like... why is learning a task and executing it consistently so impossible for me? I made lists. I made tutorials. I double checked- and STILL it happened.

After years of this, my resume is a disaster. It's completely obvious that I'm not a good employee. I apply everywhere, no one calls back.

I'm disabled enough that I can't keep a job, but likely not disabled enough in the eyes of the government to deserve benefits. No family, no spouse. I don't know what to do anymore.

It's not like I don't have skills, I do. But it's all at piddly little crafts and art that most people would never buy. There's no way to make enough to live on.

My son was born a normal weight, 7lbs-ish, 21 inches long. At 3 months old, he was wearing his sisters 1 year pajamas. He was in the 99th percentile for the first 2 years an absolute unit of a baby, and now at almost 4 he's evened out at like 36lbs. He's a bit tall, but not overly tall and has a medium build. But. He's. Heavy.

This is something I started to really notice around 6 months, he seems denser and heavier than a child his size should be. At first, I thought it was me, "wow I really need to get in shape." BUT then my friends started to pick him up and started commenting on it. "Wow, he's heavier than he looks!" and he is. Getting him out of his car seat while asleep is a nightmare, and most times I give him over to my boyfriend to carry up the stairs because I'm exhausted. He naps at preschool and- my god -picking him off the floor mat is like an endurance test.

In contrast, my boyfriend's daughter (also 4) is a petite little bean that I can pick up and carry no problem.

Have any other parents had kids like this? Is it a sign he'll be heavy set or tall? Is he secretly descended from a race of giants and was switched at birth? Why is my son mysterious denser than a black hole?

I make a lot of mistakes at work and it's really damaged my credibility. At work, I'm either so uptight and stressed out - worried I'm going make mistakes - that anxiety causes me to make more mistakes. Or I relax too much, and my work becomes sloppy because I'm being careless. There's no in between and it's horrible.

The worst part is the blindness, like one of those magic eye puzzles. I can't see the mistake I've made until someone is literally pointing at my screen. And then it just *appears* out of nowhere. It legitimately makes me feel insane.

And the more insane I feel, the more I mess up. And the more I mess up, the more I feel insane, on and one and on

PLEASE tell me someones figured out a hack for this!

I hate when there is no *correct* way to fix a problem for so many things. And I'm left to interpret what would be the best thing to do.

Whats the best way to have breakfast in the morning? Should I go the most efficient route to save my mental health and energy? Or the healthiest route thats better for my body but worse on my brain?

Do I give my son the tablet now so I can work on something that will hopefully make us money? Or focus on enriching his life and spend that time doing something analog for him?

Do I work on this craft that will help my mental health or clean the house that will help my mental health? Which would be better? Which is right? Do I exercise or do I sleep?

There's no right answer. There's no path that will definitely lead to success. And it really grind on me.

There's nothing quite hauling all my groceries, toddler, and various affects into the house, putting away only the things that need to be refridgerated, taking off my shoes, ripping off all my clothes, and retreating to my bed to recharge after being in public.

The Intermission

For my second act, I'll be doing all the household chores. But for now... I hide.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded with so much support and good vibes about the app I made for my kids. I was feeling so down about it but you all gave me a lot of perspective! You're right, some people will just not get it. And some wont get it until they see it. So I made a video of my prototype.

I don't want to to fill this sub with any more updates unless they're AuDHD related. But just wanted to say thank you again <3

Come with me while I explain how a fucking gecko ruined my day:

The chronic fatigue is especially bad with my toddler. It's not his fault, it's just he'll will scream and cry over the simplest things- and it's like it sucks my energy like a vampire. I will start to shake and feel like I have no muscles in my limbs. I'm overwhelmed with guilt, because I've promised to let him help me make muffins and he's so excited. But after his pointless tantrum my body is shutting down. I'll be wandering the house desperately trying to find my headphones, my slippers so I can't feel the floor, while I'm trying to rip my bra off like it's a vice.

And all the sudden- from the tv I keep threatening to sell: "dId yOU KnoW THAT GEICO cAn sAVE YOU hUndReDs on CaR InsuRANCE???!?!?"

And that's it. I'm out. I'm ready to set my TV on fire and put my son on the side of the road with a "free" sign. I'm exhausted while also feeling like I want to break all the windows out of my house. I'm dead set on dragging whoever invented commercials out into the street and beating them like a pinata. But I also desperately just want to crawl into bed and hide. It's like my whole body is a raw nerve.

Some days are just so bad, and the cycle repeats over and over. There has to be a better way.

This isn't meant to be inflammatory, I'm curious how people feel about this. I'm in my 40s now, and have been talking with my friends about how everyone is doing after high school and we noticed a trend. Everyone who is financially stable never went to college*.

The stand out friend who's done the best never went to college, had an apprenticeship by her own mom for free, then inherited some money and property when her grandparents passed away. She was able to use those as momentum to start her business.

I think back on my attitude about school and work, and realize so much of what I had wrong came directly from my teachers and advisors. The "just study hard in college and your degree will change your life" idea completely derailed me, not because it's pointless to study, but because it ignored some key realities about life. Specifically, that whether your family already HAS money plays a huge role in your success in America. It's like this open secret that everyone knows but know one wants to say out loud, because we're embarrassed of how little we actually are a meritocracy.

If I had known how important my parents contribution was going to be in my success- I would have made VERY different decisions. Because I have 0 family support- I'm the last living member of my family. But my idiot self simply bumbled through life, thinking I was the master of my own destiny.

Obviously, I can't blame all my hardships on the system. But it irks me that I was legally required by the federal government to get an education that sold me a BS story about the American Dream, only to let me face plant right out of the gate.

* with one exception, one friend went to college and did very poorly for many years, ended up moving back in with his dad for a long time. Got a job in a coffee shop (nothing to do with his degree) and found himself in the right spot to end up co owning it when the owners retired.

This isn't meant as a criticism. I've been struggling to stay employed for years, and it's been a disaster for my health. I've read several posts where people have said they quit their jobs, and haven't been employed for years due to horrendous burnout. I'm trying to understand how you all are doing it, because I'm always about $100 from being evicted pretty much year round.

This is in no way a flex. I live in a constant state of financial anxiety, and everything in my life is uncertain. Different jobs, different apartments, nothing ever stays the same. it's like sandpaper to my brain. The only reason I'm not dead is because I'm a mom. If I could find a way to stop working and take care of myself, I would be right there with you.