r/AutismInWomen

hello!
i live in england so a pretty rainy and kinda cold climate, but oh my god i am hot and sweaty all the time and it drives me crazy! i can be wearing nothing and still super warm. i got to work today and i had sweat marks on my butt crack 😭😭😭does anyone else deal with this? it’s so overstimulating. if anyone knows any good products to keep cool, help with chafe or just any advice i would appreciate that so very much <3

I am currently self suspecting, in the process of researching, and MY GOD, the tests online are SO PAINFUL.

I hate the lack of clarity and the incredible vagueness of so many of the questions that I just cannot answer with the five options provided that range from "heavily agree" to "heavily disagree".

One question has been bothering me for literal weeks. It's the "Do you often notice small details that other people don't? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I've been stuck on this one stupid question for nearly a month and at this point I'm genuinely distressed.

Details as in details in a school project? A corporate work setting, and if so, as part of the marketing division or the team that comes up with a product? Does it mean details as in, would I make a good detective? Or is it the details in regards to social interactions and micro-expressions? Does noticing the brightest light on the dentist's room while nobody else seems to be bothered by it count as a detail?

I could go on and on and on but I'm honestly too tired to. And of course it's not just this question, there are many more. I finish taking such tests 15 to 30 minutes later than I'm supposed to because I get stuck on these stupid ass questions. I waste so much time panicking because I can't understand and I feel like I'm supposed to find this easy, but it's not, it's grueling and confusing and not clear enough.

Also before anyone says I should just go to an actual psychiatrist instead of doing this shit because it's so hard for me, I can't. I want to get officially tested but I do not have the funds for that. If I did, I would be in a psychiatrist's office by the end of the day. I will do so when I am able to but right now I can only self assess.

What do you do for exercise?
I've had a gym membership for like 3 years and I never go. I tried one gym and it was busy but spacious, but the lights were WAY to bright to the point where I felt like I could pass out. I tried another gym closer to my house and it just feels way too small, too many people in such a small place.

I really like weight lifting because I can get into a really good focus (when not feeling perceived) BUT I HATE DELAYED ONSET MUSCLE SORENESS. I have high sensitivity so it feels like extreme ache. I can feel the exact muscle group, even how deep it is. Especially in my legs, when my back and arms are sore, I can deal with that.

I hate running. I was never into sports.

I know this feels like a no brainer question, but I wanna hear other perspectives. Like it's no surprise that the more marginalized you are, the less protected you are unfortunately. However, I want to sort of add to that.

I know that disabled people and women still face systemic problems, but sometimes I feel less protected compared to neurodivergent men and neurotypical women. I'm also hispanic, and sometimes i feel like I'm less protected in my own community compared to my neurotypical counterparts of the same background.

Am I being delusional or dramatic?

I think my body is just used to bad experiences and is being super vigilant when it comes to other people. I don't feel safe.

Has anyone else stopped being a savant later in life? As a child I was a ferocious reader. I was reading level 2 step up books when my mom put me in a preschool/Mother’s Day out program at 4 because she was worried about my social skills. I literally read The Count of Monte Cristo in third grade and The Lord of the Rings in 4th. I tore through the classics before high school (except little women. It’s like a collection of stories that don’t really follow each other or make a plot. I’ve tried ten times.)

My adult life? Middle school level books, almost exclusively. I hate romance or sex stories which are prevent in adult fiction. Like maybe if there’s one scene and otherwise the story is very compelling. Oh and I hate war books. Even among the books I read there’s no 150 books a year. It’s like I can hardly find books that interest me anymore. I still have a strong vocabulary, I can still identify all the things in a story (and I’m a reading teacher so that’s important lol), and when I find a good book I lock in for days (or hours) until it’s finished. But I just don’t anymore.

Idk how much of this is an NT/ND thing, but it drives me INSANE. People expect you to downplay and joke about absolutely everything. You lost a bunch of weight? "Oh you know, I just ate less." You finished an extremely challenging major? "Yeah I had to study a lot, but it was worth it." You're going through the absolute worst time of your life? "Things are tough, but you know, it can't rain forever!"

It's like they expect you to be nonchalant and neutral about everything AND THEY COMMUNICATE LIKE THIS TOO. Even with loved ones. They hate giving deep, real answers to ANYTHING. Everything is a surface level emotionless brief summary, followed by the obligatory polite chuckle. Ugh.

I had joined a group of friends and I had guys ask me out but it has not really happened before as much as I imagine other women getting that.

I see other ladies getting many types of attention all the time and it is annoying indeed I imagine or feeling unsafe sometimes.

I don't know if they go out in casual clothes or if they groom themselves. I think both.

I live in a country with extroverted people and if they see a good looking or a charming woman they won't hesitate to approach or compliment. I guess I don't fit the local beauty standards maybe or idk.

EDIT: I really appreciate everyone's comments, they helped me look at it from different angles. I realised that the way I told them about my diagnosis was overly casual and by-the-way, so I made it seem like it really wasn't a big deal, so they probably had no idea how to respond to me and likely felt a bit awkward. So I ended up sending another rather long message to clarify that this is actually a really big deal for me, and that I was telling them because they were important to me and I wanted to share what was going on in my life and what I've been struggling with. Their responses to this was actually amazing, and they've been really supportive. The girl who said "everyone's a little autistic" apologised for downplaying what I'm going through and they've all told me that they love and support me and are here for me always.

Soooooo yeah, the irony of me struggling to communicate the way I should have the first time, in talking about my ASD diagnosis, and downplaying my feelings in order to avoid making others uncomfortable (and thereby leading to a miscommunication and making them even more uncomfortable) is not lost on me.

Also, we live in different countries now so I would be unable to have this discussion in person, as a couple of you suggested.

..........

I have been friends with these girls for 18 years (since I was 15).

I was diagnosed with ASD in February, and have since been processing and am very selective about who I tell. I completely missed a social cue in my group chat with these girls this morning so thought it would be the perfect opportunity to mention it.

I don't know if it's because I mentioned it in part of like a casual conversation instead of bringing it up properly (which would have just felt slightly weird? Idk), but they completely blew me off. The group is me and 3 other girls. The first one just said "Hahaha, if it makes you feel better, everyone is slightly autistic 😂" and another one just responded to that message with the 100 emoji. The third girl hasn't said anything (not reading into this, she may just not have read it yet or anything).

But I feel so shitty. I feel like these girls know me better than most, the two who just blew me off are TEACHERS, and I've just been completely blown off like I've told them I stubbed my toe, not that I've gotten this life-changing answer to the millions of questions I've had over the course my life.

I didn't want a massively dramatic response, because I don't think that's necessary, but acknowledgement would have been nice? My life has been fucking hell, and I have only just started to stop hating myself for being different now that I have my diagnosis and a reason for me being the way I am/struggling with things the way I do.

I know not everyone understands autism very well and I'm sure they didn't mean to hurt me and probably haven't even realised what a big deal this is to me, but fuck, this sucks.

I am VERY strongly anti-conflict and get severely anxious bringing up anything that may make anyone uncomfortable, so I'm absolutely terrified to call them out/tell them that I'm hurt and what a big deal this diagnosis is to me.

I don't know what my aim is posting this is, probably just to vent/offload to people that may understand me. Thanks for reading 🩷

I didn't realise I was autistic until I was 22. I kept forcing myself into a box that wasn't working until I found out about autism and it changed my life. I graduated at 21 with a degree in the Arts in a field I can't get a job in. I think I was very naive or clueless at that time. I was being pressured to just pick a degree by my family and I didn't know what to choose. I was 17, and I just picked it because I liked art, that's the only reason.

This is kind of embarrassing to admit but I was not in the right frame of mind or maturity level to be making those kinds of life-changing decisions. I had hyperlexia as a child, reading books at 2 years old and I was praised for being very mature and talking like an adult as a child. But I became more childlike as I got older. When I was 17, I was still watching That's So Raven on Disney Channel and Adventure Time. I regressed in my maturity level a bit. I was also in and out of an ED clinic and I just wasn't thinking straight. I didn't give much thought to my future career prospects at all. I struggled through uni, even though it was an 'easy' degree, I barely scraped by. After graduating, all I could get were jobs as a server or in retail to keep me afloat. I've had one office job, which I hated. Every job I've had, I've been bullied at.

I'm now 29 and just have so many regrets. Since learning I have autism and graduating, I've changed so much as a person. I still have no idea what I want to do but I feel like I messed up my life with that one decision, picking the 'wrong' degree and I hate that I'm still paying the debt off for it. It got me nowhere. I wish so bad that I had picked a bachelor of science or something but I was always terrible at math and wouldn't have got in anyway. I just feel so regretful and like I'm going to waste my life. I know that's dramatic but what's going to happen to me now? Be in retail forever? I could go back to university, but I really worry about the financial side of it, having mounting debt to pay off for the rest of my life and I also feel like it's too late now. I'd get hella judgment from my family. And what if I go through all this again and can't even get a job...

Hi! I am AuDHD and also have CPTSD. For context: have been in trauma therapy for years. This year I had a barrage of awful live events within the space of about 2 months. Complete fluke. It has meant every external scaffolding has disappeared. Partner, working, my only friends, my beloved pet. My nervous system fell apart and I’ve spent most of the last 4 months in bed and my panic, anxiety and dissociation are on another level and nothing is helping. I feel like therapy has become unhelpful. It’s just “go inside yourself and you’ll figure out what you or your younger parts need”. But nothing comes up. I feel like I need practical, tangible advice.

If I feel my feelings they overtake me and I have a meltdown. Even if I can sit with it and they past, they just go back inside me and rot. I joke and say “I’ve literally never processed anything ever.” But it’s true. Like HOW do people process emotions? Write it down? Walk and think about it? Tell someone else? The grief of loosing my rabbit is too much to even bare thinking about. How do I help myself process?

I have come across so many posts in this community where autistic women refer to themselves as ugly, and it made me realise that I feel the same way about myself, and always have.

For me, it started towards the end of primary school and became a lot worse in highschool. I was chubby, didn't wear makeup, didn't know how to style my hair very well, and didn't really know what to wear. I didn't fit in and quickly became a target of the pretty and popular girls (cliched, I know).

I had girls and boys in school treating me as though I were diseased and gross. I think that has been one of the most long-term damaging experiences that came from highschool. During PE I used to face the wall and get changed as quickly as I could, and even then I heard girls laughing and whispering about me. ''Ew, she's looking at you while you're getting changed!'' while I was facing into the corner not looking at anyone. I started taking notes into school every week to excuse me from the class altogether.

I just felt so out of place and defective, and at almost thirty years old I still feel the same way. It's so difficult with my partner, because he is so genuine in his adoration, always complimenting me, even the little details, but all I see is my own ugliness. I feel like other women perceive me as diseased and gross, and that they don't feel comfortable or safe around me. Then there's the feeling that they ''know''. I was only diagnosed with autism last year, so I know now that the thing I was trying to conceal was my own autism, but even now I still have that anxiety despite that I'm no longer being bullied.

I know that these negative things aren't true, but because of the bullying I went through in highschool all those years ago, the damage is so deep and it is so hard to try to shift that perspective. The only person I don't feel it with is my partner, but I feel it all the time around other women.

I just wanted to share my story because this community has made me feel so seen in many ways, and after so many years of carrying this, I felt like maybe I should try to put it down somewhere and find comfort in solidarity.

Wearing make up and fixing my long messy ass hair just to look decent. It feels like I’ve run a marathon after that shit

I keep seeing weighted blankets, weighted plush toys and other deep pressure related items recommended for people with Autism but I don't get any actual information on why it's beneficial, just links to buy said items.

What does using the above mentioned deep pressure items or any other forms of deep pressure do for you? How did you figure out it was something you liked? I like the idea of a weighted stuffed animal but I'd rather have a bit more info before comitting to buying one.

I ADORE swinging on swingsets !!!!! There is almost no better feeling in the world to me. I love listening to music on my big noise cancelling headphones and just swinging for hours. There’s a lot of parks in my area and sometimes I’ll go to them but i get really self conscious that at 25, i look… predatorial? I don’t know. I obviously wouldn’t take up a swing if there were children who clearly wanted to use it but sometimes i see parents around and I’m like, is this okay? Is there an unspoken rule? Should i wait until nighttime?

UPDATE: wow I’m … stunned that this seems to be such a common experience/interest here! I thought I was crazy for my swing fixation. I love this community for this reason 🩷 I did go swinging for a whole hour, listened to my favorite album, and then made a gigantic sundae at home. Yay!

Why is toothpaste mint flavored? I absolutely can't stand the taste of it. It always makes me gag. I started getting kids toothpaste, because it's in different flavors other than mint (currently using an orange vanilla flavor). Is it weird? Probably, but I absolutely hate the taste of mint. The only way I'll have mint is if it's in tea, and even then, I sometimes find it gross.

Meanwhile, my youngest brother only uses mint toothpaste and thinks I'm weird for hating it. I'm going to be 21 next week, but my brother is 13, so I feel weird using kid's stuff. I don't know why I can't just use what my mom buys in large quantities so she doesn't have to get multiple types of toothpaste. No one else has an issue, so why do I?

going to therapy has helped me realise that i have been in burnout pretty consistently since before i even started high school.

burnout has led me to quit every single job i have ever had. i get to the point where i am physically incapable of getting out of bed, having meltdowns/panic attacks before i leave the house etc. i would get home and not be able to do anything or think about anything other than work. no matter how unimportant these jobs were.

i live away from my parents and i've had to rely on my savings for almost three months now. this is the longest ive been out of a job since i started working. cost of living is killing me. i just have no idea what to do.

i have no ideas for anything that i would have fun doing for work. i dropped out of university due to burnout so i don't even have a degree. i'm "not disabled enough" to get payments. i just feel so lost. i'm so young in the grand scheme of things, and i really can't see myself being happy living like this for the rest of my life.

i just don't know what to do? everything feels like too much and i am terrified of going through the depths of burnout and depression and >!suicidal ideation!< because of just working a job.

i just want to be normal and able to provide for myself. i feel so upset.

I get very excited whenever I listen to my favorite band. I tried to take a break for a month, and almost lost my mind and had to stop....it's been like this for 10 years

the problem is that when you're up the only way is down and it's crashing

feels like a Rollercoaster of emotions

I'm using the word 'subculture' very loosely here. I really just mean different hobbies, lifestyles, corners of the internet etc.

I personally suspect a lot of women in the 'clean girl pilates princess' side of the internet could be autistic. The need for routine could be manifested in the rigid workout and study routines and a lot of repetitive monochromatic outfits. A lot of their apartments seem to have very soft lights and pillows/bedding in the same materials. And it generally seems to be about living a 'homebody' but still 'locked in' lifestyle. What do you think?

And please don't use this post to any subcultures or make speculations about any specific people.