r/AutismInWomen

Yesterday, we were out at our part time fun job, and I walked out of the bathroom, washed my hands at the hose and walked back into the camper. My boyfriend harmlessly took a video of me walking back into the camper and sent it to just me on snapchat. I watched it back and oh. my. god. Why is my face like that? I look pissed off, like, unbelievably so. In my mind, I was actually having a good day, enjoying the weather. Just washing my hands and walking back in. I hope I don’t look like that ALL the time but I probably do. I’ve also always had a hard time with my tone of voice, even when I’m content/happy. Has anyone successfully “fixed” these things? I’m so tired of the entire world thinking I’m pissed off, a bitch, etc. I’ve really started to hate myself for it but I feel like the harder I try, the worse it gets, and my resting pissed off face just looks more like a focused pissed off face. Everyone always assumes the worst of me. Especially if I’m having fun or get excited talking about something, it comes off “aggressive” (what I’ve been told by almost everyone ever). Do I just accept my fate?

I am sure that I’m autistic but I can’t afford an assessment. But ADHD assessments are covered by healthcare. So I got a referral and I saw a psychiatrist for an ADHD assessment and he claims that weed always makes depression and adhd symptoms worse. He wouldn’t officially give me any diagnosis because he says I’d have to stop cannabis use first. I feel like “stop smoking pot” is the “just lose weight” advice of the mental health world.

In my life weed has helped me cope with a lot and it has made me enjoy life a lot more than I did before I started smoking it. AND sometimes it actually helps me focus to get tasks done! But I am sure as hell not going to try to convince a psychiatrist of that, when they’re likely to think something like “typical of a DRUG user to claim their DRUGS help them. Delusional. And In Denial” or some such nonsense.

I’m just feeling extremely frustrated by the world of psychiatry. It seems I’m on my own to find ways to deal with my health. I just want to feel like I’m not alone with this. I’d like to try adhd meds but now I never will be allowed to because I “do cannabis” ..? Allegedly mixing weed and adhd meds is “very dangerous”. I think some people, especially health care professionals, still have archaic views about pot. I wish I’d never mentioned the cannabis. What would he have said then, I wonder. I doubt I would have been dismissed so easily.

I’ll probably delete this pretty soon I just needed to reach out into the neurodivergent community in hopes of finding some insight and understanding.

I'm so tired of being highly empathetic to the point of it being all consuming. Any advice appreciated!

Statements like this always remind me that there is a gigantic chasm between me and able-bodied, fully healthy people. When I tell them uni burned me out and it's making me so miserable, they assume it MUST be because I hate what I am studying. When it's actually my dream major, but it's still extremely stressful and exhausting. Me thinking something is fun and interesting doesn't make it any easier to do and it absolutely does not mean it cannot cause burnout 🫠 But I guess when you're healthy, beloved activities fill you with energy instead of making you even more tired.

I seem to pack my purse/backpack as if I’m going on a journey, even if I’m just going to the library. I got stuff for every potential scenario in there. I like to plan for contingencies in my mood/circumstance. Can anyone relate? Or do you typically pack light?

Like yeah of course don't assume what others can and cannot do. But people are not asking me, they're just assuming I can do everything they do. Then when I communicate I can't, people seem to get frustrated with me. Even though I say from the start "I have autism".

This isn't even like I'm an asshole or anything. I spend 90% of my social interactions making sure I'm kind. But nope you tell people you can't work and suddenly it's "oh but my autistic brother can work".

I always think "ok, that's great for him. But genuinely what the fuck does that have to do with me". I just want to be treated like a person. I don't want to be stereotyped as a child who needs a hand holding with everything. But I also don't want to be stereotyped as someone who doesn't need help with anything because then I get labeled as lazy for needing help.

I feel this from friendships to any life opportunities. People hear autism and I guess try to assume what they think is the best. That I'm a savant and I can do everything NT people can just with more time. Then when I show signs of being disabled, their mind switches to I must be an idiot child.

For a while I felt a lot of shame about it. I don't even think I've said it out loud before really. But I age regress due to trauma. My boyfriend knows I'm more on the childish side, but even he doesn't know I age regress. It's completely non sexual for me and a trauma response.

I'm starting to realize that's what makes me happy, I'm suffering daily. Yet denying my own happiness because of judgment?!? People don't like me anyways!

As long as I'm kind to others I don't see the goddamn problem if I'm childish. So I'm going to spill it all.

I love pre school shows, I love coloring books, I love playing with toys, I love plushies. I love wearing cute, bright pink clothes. I love sucking my thumb and no one's going to fucking stop me. I love the sensory feelings of wearing onesies.

I'm taking control of my own life, I'm going to be fully honest with him and tell him the truth sooner than later. He doesn't have to be a part of it, I just want him to know it's a part of me.

He's a very nice guy but part of me thinks even this will be too much for him. Which isn't bad, he's allowed to think it's too much. I just hope he doesn't rudely judge me or make fun of me if it is. Sadly both women and men seem to love to criticize people like me. So I've kept it inside for a while as to not be marked as a "creep" which I know I will even though this is NOT a kink for me or anything of the sort.

I'm fine with people not liking me or even finding me annoying. But not fine with people accusing me and others of such terrible stuff, especially stuff that I was a victim of as a child. It sucks that people who treat children badly have ruined it for the rest of us. But I'm going to be proud to be me no matter what.

After a long time, I finally feel comfortable having sex because I figured out my sensory profile. It’s way less overstimulating now, but only if I’m the one in control.
I’m gray-ace and treat sex as an activity. Most of the time I don’t have the drive, but I enjoy it and think it’s fun but I still struggle with receiving pleasure. It’s just very overwhelming for me. Even with a lot of communication, it’s still super overstimulating.
I don’t know if I should keep exploring it or just accept that I just can't receive pleasure from another person. Does anyone have a similar experience? Any advice?

TW: Ableism

Hey, I finally read the article of SZA saying she’s autistic. Honestly I felt relief…as a black woman dealing with audhd it’s been a very difficult experience for me. I’ve received no accomplishments for it…the diagnosis was hidden from me until I was in my mid 20’s. I’ve dealt with a lot of shame, bullying and being insulted for being different even into my adulthood.

I started reading some of the comments people were making and of course most of it is ableist as hell. There’s a bunch of comments of neurotypical people lying or just calling SZA dumb. Someone said SZA isn’t autistic because you need to take an iq test (I didn’t have to take an iq test wtf), I read another persons comment saying,” Why does she need to tell everyone about this? I remember when stuff like this was hidden.” Then of course the reality set in….it doesn’t matter how successful we may become, how talented we are…once most people find out your autistic they want nothing to do with you and think you’re incompetent. It’s much harder dealing with it as a black woman.

I know some people are going to say,” Not all NTs.” But it is the majority of them and a lot of other neurodivergent people that just don’t like autistic people…I’ve been noticing a lot of other neurodivergent people painting all autistic people with one brush just because they had one bad experience with one.

I just wanted to rant and see if anyone else feels this way. It’s so strange how hostile people get when they found out someone is autistic especially a black woman….it kind of saddens me that black autistic women can’t just live in peace and not be degraded so often…even by our own community.

Genuinely my negative back to back experience from adolescence has changed me so much to the point im becoming emotionless, like im becoming less empathetic and evil. I feel a deep anger and hatred inside for being passive when i couldve been meaner, than people paint me to be. Im learning to embrace people disliking me and owning the villain role. People will gaslight u for noticing their mistreatment of them. And just noticing weird power hungry social climbing of nts when they percieve u to be below them in the social hierarchies and the switch up when they believe u to be higher. Especially when ur put in competitive environments like work and education.

I saw this tiktok post of an nd girl that said if u get the chance be mean be meaner and think the next day of how you could be even more of a bitch. Dont bully ofc bus having boundaries is key. If u let someone temp check and be rude and u ignore it, it can set the precedent for how others will treat u Show others how much respect they should give u. By doing this it protects u from bullying, bullies pick targets they percieve to be weak. Have no mercy i believe its ok to be selfish to an extent, we all subconsciously are to an extent, thats why there is a bystander effect , we dont want to be subjected to scrutiny or abuse from those in power.

And those in power tend to narcissists and i think thats why alot of nds tend to but heads with them, well speaking for me. Some nds can be naive to narcissists abuse. The key is spotting them and avoiding them really. I also think being fake is a good tool and can protect u alot, sometimes in secondary school i thought that this popular girl is an evil bully why do ppl like her the truth is alot of them never really liked the popular bullies and these friendgroups dont like eachother but are rather playing a tactical game. It is safer to be an insider than an outsider. Thread carefully in majority neurotypical spaces like the work places by spotting these discrepancies.

I don't know if this may be triggering to someone or not hence the flair but does anyone with medium sized breasts wish they were smaller or even flat chested? To start I am cis-gendered, I don't feel like anything other than a woman but I've always hated having breasts. I am a 34C but I wish I had A cups. When I have said this to others before the response has ranged from shocked, to offended and/or dismissive.

I hate the way bras feel so I don't wear them very often. I also hate the feeling of the inframammory fold where to bottom of my breasts makes contact with the skin underneath them, especially when I'm sitting down. I don't have the best posture. I know I should work on fixing it but sitting kind of hunched has always been more comfortable to me. Sometimes I tuck my t-shirt underneath so that my skin isn't touching but I'm aware this looks odd and also draws attention to them which is another thing I hate.

I also often get the urge to try to sleep on my stomach but can never get comfortable because of my stupid breasts being in the way. I don't like the feeling of pressure on them either and sometimes it hurts. I just hate them. They are annoying and inconvenient to have. I have seriously considered looking into breast reduction but I am afraid of getting the same reaction from a surgeon that I've gotten from other people or being laughed at. Especially since it's not due to gender dysphoria or another medical reason.

So I was just wondering if anyone else feels the same or has even had an elective breast reduction that wasn't due to gender dysphoria or another medical reason?

Family and partner abuse is serious and I know that anyone can experience it, but from childhood through the entirety of life, I feel like autistic people are often far more susceptible and frequently targeted. I also know that there are significant numbers of men and boys who experience abuse but statistically speaking women are more likely to go through it.

The reason I say autistic people are more likely to be targeted is because they are largely (with exceptions) trained by society to believe that they are wrong by default. People inside and outside of their families consistently treat them like they don't know what they're doing or saying and that they always misread the situation. While I and others on the spectrum do miss or mistake social cues, that shouldn't be treated like the default by others who don't have all the context first.

This leads to two things:

1 - Other people are more likely to dismiss an autistic person when they go to them about someone who they think is acting strange or suspicious. They are less likely to receive help or be listened to.

2 - Their internalised thoughts that they are always the one in the wrong or that they don't understand what's happening often prevents them from talking to anyone about it when someone displays controlling, manipulative, or abusive behaviour.

Whether they know the person is diagnosed autistic or not, abusers know this. They can tell. They know who has low self esteem and they know who is more likely to allow them to do these things. They go after outcasts and people who have already been conditioned to accept behaviour that seems strange to them.

That's also what creeps me out about the 'autistic girlfriend' fetish and men seeking girls who are specifically 'a like autistic'. It's perfectly fine to want a neurodivergent person if that's the kind of person who typically matches with you or who you relate to, but it's the submissive, ignorant, and isolated way a lot of these men portray these women that makes it feel creepy and predatory.

I'm still in high school and I've never been in a relationship, so I obviously don't have the best experience or authority to be talking about this. This is just my two cents. What I have seen, however, is the relationship between my parents, as well as between my mother (now divorced) and other men.

My mother, like myself, is a bit of a social outcast, and we don't mind it that way. We always have each other's backs. I've seen her go through a lot.

My father was never a kind person to her or to me, and she accepted it because she was told that as a woman it was her job to get married that she was always wrong about what was happening because her social skills, like mine, suck ass.

I've watched her go through years of being married and years of being divorced. She's had a few boyfriends, some of whom were liars, cheaters, and manipulators.

We talk about it sometimes when we get into late night discussions and she shares her experiences with me. From what I've seen, a significant factor in her life choices has always been the way other people, including extended family and her parents, always treated her like a clueless black sheep.

So I’m in my late 30s now, and there is some kind of difference between me and other adults that I can not define. My manager even quipped a while back, “yeah, 30-something going on 20”. It’s like, not even maturity level - I work, live independently and manage my own affairs, it’s more like an adult vibe or composure that I do not have, don’t get, and feel very strange and out of place socializing with “adults”, like we are completely different types of people. There’s like a weird formality, stiltedness, even in casual settings, in speech and body language, etc that I don’t have and some kind of unknown quantity that I only feel sharply. And when I’m around them I feel like 3 kids in a trenchcoat, and I’m about to get shooed off to the kids’ table so the adults can talk. My ex was 10 years my junior, and I have really good friends who are in their late 20s, and the older I get chronologically, it seems I’m kind of perpetually in this carefree, open, mid to late 20s vibe.

As someone who has been seeing different therapists for the last ten years, how do you as a therapist look a patient in the eye, and tell them that the reason they see the worls as a "bad place" is because of the patient's trauma, and that the world is actually a good place to live in? How PRIVILEGED and NAIVE do you have to be to gaslight yourself, and to gaslighting others to make the patient think that the world being a dangerous place is "all in their head" and a "trauma response"??? Do these privileged pos not understand that people are literally dangerous, especially strangers, and that our pattern recognition actually helps us see signs and red flags that the therapist and other neurotypical coded people do not see? Most of my therapists have been white or white adjacent and they act shocked that I, a mixed race black woman, could be going through daily violence abuse and disrespect by most people around me, especially in my physical area where people are racist af. Let's be honest, these therapists lack empathy and are so sheltered they gaslight themselves into thinking poc and woc don't know what we're talking about, and the world is according to them a safe place to be in. POS!!!

My partner was standing in front of me naked and she asked something along the lines of "do I arouse you like this" and I was hostest and said no. Almost no naked person arouses me or makes met attracted to them. In my fantasies when she's naked she does arouse me. But face to face it's the datails of someone and touches and words that get me in the mood. But I feel really bad about saying no. I told her today that I see naked people as just bodies but I find HER attractive and pretty wh9ch is the truth. Is this normal or am I overthinking?

P.s. I'm not sure if these questions are allowed, but I feel that other autistic women might get where I'm coming from.

whenever I touch myself or have sex with my boyfriend, it obviously feels amazing, but I never make any noise or facial expressions. I just kind of feel good but it never shows, is this normal? does anyone else relate? 😅 my boyfriend got so sad because he felt that I wasn’t feeling good, but it does feel great, I just don’t really express it at all..