u/reluctantfootprint

This heat has been hard on me to say the least. Even when it’s not horribly hot out, my body is still overheating. I have bad heat intolerance and am also on medications that exacerbate that. I get very overstimulated.

My boyfriend does not understand. He thinks I should go outside in the heat more so my body can get used to it. He used to work long hours outside, and said that he was fine.

I tried explaining to him a while back why and how this is different, that humans are complex and that is not something that will work for me. He just doesn’t get it, so I dropped it and kept on feeling misunderstood.

Now every time it’s hot and I get the need to self regulate, I end up feeling pangs of anger at being dismissed. To him, my heat induced misery is self inflicted and fixable by melting myself even more in the direct sunlight.

No. I’ll stay here and survive dripping sweat in front my Godsend AC, carrying ice packs, and staying hydrated.

I’m tired of being dismissed and misunderstood. Why can’t I be given benefit of the doubt that this is actually happening to me and I’m not overreacting? There seems to be a pattern of these kinds of things happening, and it makes me very frustrated and sad

Even if it’s something easy, like KD or grilled cheese. Every time I hear from my boyfriend “I’m hungry” or “can you please make me…” my heart sinks and I become immediately irritable.

I hate that I feel this way, because I want to serve him, I want to make things with love and not feel all fiery in my insides.

AND I’m not working right now, he is. It makes SENSE that I cook for him — not for long though, I’m starting work myself very soon so hopefully things will change and we can split the cooking.

I was trying to figure out WHY I despise making food for him and being asked to do it. Here’s what I could come up with so far.

-Getting stuff on my hands
-Taking stuff out and making a mess
-Needing to clean up after
-Making dishes that need to be washed
-Following instructions and re reading over and over and over
-The assumption of being the one to make food since I’m a woman (negative thinking, I highly doubt my boyfriend thinks this way)
-Possibly PDA?
-Not being alone; being perceived
-Making food that needs multiple timers/different cooking times confuses me
-Washing hands and dishes might get water droplets on the floor which I might step on
-If eating with others I need to clean everything first before I can sit down to “enjoy” eating, so I need to serve them the food first and they will eat before I do so I’ll be the only one eating (fear)
-PMS makes the above worse (which I currently have lol)

Any tips on making cooking more bearable and not getting unreasonably upset at the request to make food? It seems like the simple request of making just like a grilled cheese for him for lunch comes with allll these other stressors and it overwhelms me. I’m good with feeding myself, I eat one meal a day and it’s always the same thing, I just grab it from the fridge and heat it up. My boyfriend eats food that needs to be prepared and a variety.

Please help I’d love to be more zen when it comes to cooking, and just selflessly and graciously make him his meals

It’s not him. He’s always encouraged me to better myself. And I was. Before him. And then… my brain warps.

Suddenly, my worth is completely tied to him and what he thinks of me. Obsession over his love for me, questioning if it’s real, not believing I’m worth loving. I become self conscious, overly judgmental of my own flaws, convinced that I’m the ugliest human to walk the earth and that he wishes I was beautiful like the other girls. And then I become jealous of the other girls. I get intrusive thoughts and they are relentless.

Before my relationship, I had done SO much work on myself. It took years. I was healing, becoming confident, and really thought I was ready. I learned to love myself.

And then… I fall apart like this. Rapidly. I go crazy.

I’ve been depressed. I feel like I’ve lost myself. I used to have little hobbies, I used to enjoy things. I was just looking back at old pictures, and it’s like she’s a whole different person. The little things that made me me, I’ve lost. I don’t know who I am anymore.

I can’t imagine living this life any longer :) why not spend the rest of it numbing the pain with alcohol and pills?

Because I’m in FUCKING LOVE. I CANNOT choose alcohol and pills over him.

I’m in so much pain. If he knew how much, if he could somehow download it and get just a minute with what I’m carrying, maybe he’d allow an occasional drink.

I also know that I can’t stop at one drink. I’ve been sober for 5 years and it has NOT gotten easier. God fucking damn it.

Sometimes I’ll be watching a show and laughing a lot because it’s SO funny and I realize how (uncharacteristically) happy and giddy I feel which gives me so much pressure in my body and I want to start crying or SH.

This happens with music too, doesn’t matter the genre. It makes me feel such an intense feeling, and it’s just sooo much that I want to jump off the walls, scream, cry, SH. I feel this and also get very depressed during concerts.

When I’m feeling good, it’s like I feel WAY too good, and my body doesn’t know how to handle the energy.

She said I was so pretty, and I just responded “aww thank you!!”

She continued on to say she swears she wasn’t being mean. I was like ?? Yeah? Why would I think that?

Later I asked my partner about that interaction and he said that sometimes girls will tell girls they’re so pretty but like… as an insult? What?? How does this make sense?? Is this a real thing?

Anyways now I’m wary of anyone calling me pretty lol

It’s hard to feel motivation to do anything, especially when everything has so many steps involved. It seems like these things come so naturally for others, ie. showers. Do people think “hey I should shower now” and just go do it? Naturally? Automatically?

Showers have always been hard for me. I always dread shower day (I am not a daily showerer for reasons). No one that I’ve asked has been able to relate to all the individual steps a shower takes, and I don’t know why I am this way.

So this is what’s in my mind when I need to shower. How the hell can I break this task into smaller steps? It feels impossible.

◦	Brush hair  
◦	Put hair up  
◦	Wash hands  
◦	Swish mouth with water  
◦	Swish mouth with mouthwash  
◦	Gargle with mouthwash  
◦	Brush top teeth  
◦	Brush bottom teeth  
◦	Brush gums, under tongue, and tongue  
◦	Spit and rinse out toothbrush  
◦	Wash hands  
◦	Wipe face with makeup wipe  
◦	Wash face with face wash  
◦	Splash water on face   
◦	Wash off with cloth  
◦	Scrub face with exfoliant  
◦	Splash water on face   
◦	Wash off with cloth   
◦	Take down hair, brush again if needed  
◦	Take off clothes, get in shower  
◦	Quick rinse body with water   
◦	Lather shampoo in my hair  
◦	Wash out shampoo  
◦	Put in conditioner, pin hair up  
◦	Lather/scrub body with soap, each individual body part is a step  
◦	Shave body parts, more steps   
◦	Rinse off soaps and shaving creams   
◦	Let down hair and wash out conditioner   
◦	Run water over my face  
◦	Turn off shower  
◦	Gently squeeze out water in hair  
◦	Pat face dry  
◦	Swipe off water on my body with hands  
◦	Towel dry hair   
◦	Towel dry body, all parts steps   
◦	Get out of shower, onto floor mat  
◦	Clip up sides of my hair  
◦	Add toner to face  
◦	Squeegee the mirror  
◦	Wash hands   
◦	Add repairing treatment to face  
◦	Wash hands  
◦	Add detangler to hair   
◦	Wash hands  
◦	Moisturize face  
◦	Wash hands  
◦	Brush through hair  
◦	Towel dry hair   
◦	Put on clothes 

And then depending on whether I shower during the day or night, extra steps for makeup and doing hair.

It’s EXHAUSTING. And nobody gets it. Seriously, why does my brain do this? And how do I “just break it into smaller chunks” like I’m told to? I’m tired lol

I just learned that what I’m experiencing might be a meltdown. I’m training for work right now and have great difficulties processing and comprehending words/sentences, and retaining any information. I’ve never been able to explain why learning things is so painful for me.

Overwhelm and frustration lead to internal fire, tears streaming down my face, scratching and squeezing, brain shut down, unable to verbalize or move. I’m stuck like this for a long time and when I finally come out of it I’m utterly exhausted.

Thankfully this is all happening at home. But the amount of time it takes and how exhausted I am after really takes away from the time I need to be learning.

Is it a normal thing for frustration/being unable to comprehend things to lead to this? Are there any tips for how I can stop this before it ends in me being stuck in that awful state of limbo?

When I’m extremely frustrated, confused, overwhelmed, overstimulated… I tend to hurt myself by scratching, squeezing, or when I was younger, hitting. I never know how to explain this because it’s not to deliberately hurt myself, it’s just something that automatically happens when I’m trying to release the pressure inside.

I’ve had issues with self harm that are much better contained now, maybe slipping up once a year. But this is different. It’s not something I’m consciously doing and I’m not suicidal or even hating myself when doing it.

I’m starting a new job right now and I’m experiencing SIB a lot. I have comprehension issues, cannot process information or retain anything. I can’t understand anything. Words have no meaning. It’s completely overwhelming and I end up with red marks all over my arms and legs by time the day is over. My brain tends to blank out as well like I’m malfunctioning, it feels like I’m either on fire or completely shut down.

I just learned about SIB myself and I’m not sure how to stop it. It just happens without thinking. It’s upsetting to my partner and I’m not sure how to explain it in a way he can understand. He always tells me there’s no need to get so stressed out but like… that doesn’t compute? I don’t try to, it feels like I have a learning disability where the inability to be able to process anything is incredibly painful.

I’ve been watching a training video for two and a half hours, and I’m only 10 minutes in because I need to keep rewinding over and over to try to understand the words she is saying and how they connect to each other. That’s how bad it is.

Anyways, I guess I’m looking to see if anyone here can relate to this or has any tips on how to make this better or more bearable.

There’s these videos/lessons I need to watch for my training at work. It’s two hours of this woman with this really wet voice with a bunch of smacking and just wet noises and I’m feeling such intense panic and I just can’t get past it. I need to watch it and learn this stuff but I literally cannot concentrate on anything but the screeching wetness.

I tried to see if there were other videos online that teach the same thing but their voices are also very wet and smacky.

I don’t know what to do.

And then you remember what that means. I don’t want to have sex, but sometimes I’m looking at my boyfriend in awe like fuck, he’s so sexy, I need to do something about it, but I don’t want to kiss or have any sexual touch at all. I’ll think something like “I want to jump his bones”, and then I get confused, because I don’t… What does my brain want in this moment, I’m confused

Is it kind of like cuteness aggression, seeing something so cute you want to squeeze it hard, but you wouldn’t actually hurt that thing

I love how drugs make me feel. I feel like a normal person, and the constant voices in my head are no longer overwhelming; in fact, my thoughts are very normal, reasonable, and optimistic. I’m astounded each time, like, is this how having a normal brain feels?? I’m actually able to hold a conversation, and have fun doing it.

I was addicted to something else years ago that I don’t have access to anymore, but I think about it all the time. I need to find a way back to it, it’s the best I’ve ever felt. Complete banishment of the evil. It ended up with me in the hospital in some of the worst pain I’ve felt in my life, but honestly I don’t care. I just want that feeling back.

I’m sober from alcohol, 5 years. It didn’t make me feel good, but it helped me to forget. What’s the point of abstaining from that if I’m just going to die anyways? I’m so afraid of letting down the ones who love me, of them leaving me. I’m terrified of that pain and it would be too much to bear. But being alive and conscious is just too agonizingly painful that I’m starting to care less about that.

If I could get my hands on that high again, I’d take it without a second thought. I’m trying to figure out how to get it, or even make it. What’s the damn point? If I was mentally normal, sure, I’d want to be alive. I love being alive when I’m on drugs. When I’m sober, I’m watching everyone around me and their baseline is just… me on drugs. How the fuck?

How I’ve been coping is, living just one day at a time. My biggest accomplishment every day is just staying alive. I’ve been so focused on that, that now middle age is just a few short years away, and I’ve done nothing with my life except survive every day through the pain.

And I’m sick of it. I’m exhausted. Depression, CPTSD, OCD, BPD, delusional disorder, agoraphobia. Autistic. My ass has been getting kicked for 18 years. Right now I’m alive because drugs give me something to look forward to. And I’m terrified of hell, but that’s a whole other discussion.

How do you do this

I gave my phone to someone to look at a post I made. I’m worried they’ll search my username and be able to see my posts somehow. They’re very personal to me and I’m wondering if I should just delete my account

Yes, it is a relief when it’s over. It’s like arriving back home from work. I’m glad it’s over, I don’t need to stress about it atm, I’m free until the next time I have to go. But sex is NOT “stress relief”. And when I have a full day of chores and work and stress, sex is the LAST thing I’d ever want.

How do I even explain that without feelings getting hurt?

I’ve been diagnosed for 10 years but thought I couldn’t relate to this core symptom until 2 years ago, when I got into a relationship. I’m always asking for reassurance that he loves me, and I’m incredibly sensitive to tones of voice and facial expressions. I get triggered by small things where I convince myself that he doesn’t love me, that he will leave me.

I’m thinking back and think this symptom actually was showing up quite a bit, but I was so isolated and didn’t interact much with others so I didn’t really notice. I realize now I felt this sort of way with my dad all throughout my life too

My partner and I have been putting raw egg yolk on/in our food forever and never had any issues. Our roommate saw this and expressed disgust and said it wasn’t safe. We get our eggs from superstore, no name brand.

Also my favourite food right now is brown rice with Lao Gan Ma, sometimes salsa, and an egg yolk. Sooo good!!

Trying to learn a new video game my boyfriend recommended. For some context, learning new things is incredibly complicated and frustrating for me with my processing and comprehension issues. Bf knows this. Despite this I’ve been having fun spending time with him playing this and he’s been very helpful.

So here’s where things took a turn

We’re having a good time and I’m in a fast paced combat scene, bf reminds me about using a certain move (which is multiple buttons)

I say how am I supposed to remember all that?

He says “you just do”

Me “oh is that how normal people do it?” (I’m laughing as I say this)

He said “well you know how to play the other games”

This is where I got frustrated and exclaimed “what? I’m still learning, this is new!”

…His statement (“well you know how to play the other games”), to me, meant that since I know how to play the other games, I should know how to play this one too. I got confused and frustrated because this is a whole new game with new controls, so how in the world would I magically be able to know how to play this one.

Anyways he got quiet after I said that, and awhile later when we talked about it he said he’s bummed that I’d assume that he meant it in that way when he actually meant it in the way that “you’re still learning, you’ll get this eventually”. He wants me to, in the moment, give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that’s what he means instead of what he said. And he wants me to remember all that he does for me and use that context to assume his good intentions.

This to me is very confusing because what he said was nothing like what he meant to say and I took his words at face value, like I always do. Now he’s going to bed still upset and doesn’t want to talk about this and come up with a solution with me. So now I’m alone and extremely upset and I don’t want us to go to bed in this way.

So please tell me… did I do something wrong here? I feel off about him saying I should just assume he meant the thing he didn’t say. I’m not a mind reader. But I do have a track record of getting quite defensive when I feel like I’m being attacked (I guess it also felt like a “you should be able to learn these things at a normal pace like normal people”) and have a history of getting upset over nothing worth getting upset over. This all seems so small but I’m really quite distressed that we couldn’t reconcile this before he left for bed. I wanted us to work together to figure this out.

I’m overthinking this. Please help me, I love this man to pieces and want to do right by him.

How come whenever I talk about the pain he gets so exasperated. I just want to be heard. I’m scared to ever bring up how my body feels.

How can I explain it to someone who can’t even comprehend the absurd amount of pain one can carry in one’s body. It’s unfathomable

His advice seems to often be a variation of “just don’t”

This is too much. I can’t imagine carrying this for longer. I can’t imagine doing this sober

I’ve been diagnosed with BPD for 10 years but could never relate to the core abandonment symptom, until two years ago when I got into a relationship. I’m always terrified and gutted by the thought of him leaving me. It shows up in me asking too often for reassurance that he loves me.

But I still don’t really understand *why* someone would push a loved one away, in order to escape the fear of abandonment? What’s the line of thinking here? Pushing someone away or picking fights seems like a way to make it more likely they abandon you right? I just want to understand better.

This is just from me researching BPD, trying to understand this disorder better and I see this come up a lot