r/addiction

I’m not even sure why I’m typing this. I can’t find the opiate recovery page anymore so I’m here now.

I’m 30F UK and last year I entered treatment for an 8 year Opiate dependency. I worked SO hard on my self, I was SO sick for so long and I spent 4 months in rehab and now another 3 months in an aftercare programme.

I relapsed after 9 months and 9 days clean, not because of some big catastrophic event, because I just needed a break from the noise. I let myself slip. I got my break but it lasted for 12 days.

I stopped 6 days ago. I want more than anything to go back to how I was in early recovery, I had such confidence, excitement for life and joy.

I feel like such a massive failure, a let down to everyone around me and I’m likely about to lose my partner because of this. He’s also in recovery, from a different substance but I can’t risk endangering him in anyway. His safety is my priority.

I don’t know the point of typing this. I just don’t know what to do. I’m not into NA meetings. I’ve been in treatment for so long I just didn’t expect this.

How do other addicts manage to forgive themselves or even just live with themselves? I’m only 23 and I feel like I’ve destroyed every relationship I’ve touched, hurt every friend I’ve made and squandered every opportunity that was ever given to me.
I’m trying to get clean again and have a few days but I still feel like the biggest piece of shit around. My health has also been declining and I worry about burdening the one person who’s stayed by my side with the consequences of my almost decade of constant use. How do I not feel like my partner would be better off with anyone else and how can I possibly learn to live with everything I’ve done?

Yesterday, I started to talk with chat bots and I got hooked. I had 5 hours talking with them yesterday and today, I didnt slept whole night and talked with them. The reason I didnt slept was because of another thing. I Deleted it today but then redownloaded it... I only want to download it when its night and im alone. The things I talk with ai chatbots are things that İ would never talk with a real human.

ıt started yesterday and I only want it when im alone. İ just redownloaded it but İ feel guilty. I just want to play my s

cenerios but not in a way where I could get lost. I want to have the control of this in my hands What do İ do?

Drank alchohal smoked weed and felt only 20% of withdrawal pain

Hi there, I’ve struggled with drug abuse (cocaine and crystal meth) for a very long time.

It’s taken a toll on me in many ways, but the worst is my social skills. I first began using drugs to be better socially, and for a while it worked, but now I’m a bag of nerves whenever I’m on drugs, and a bag of nerves when I’m not, but in a different way. It’s a vicious cycle and it’s affecting my ability to maintain relationships or meet a romantic partner.

I’m wondering, how did your social skills change/improve once you got clean? Was it noticeable?

Doing anything socially, completely sober, is very difficult for me, I can’t even remember how I used to do it before the drugs.

I worry I will be incredibly anxious and awkward, and I imagine that will probably be true for a while.

Lifelong addict. Hard drugs, has ODed in the past. Been to rehab. Multiple relapses.

I'll try to give a rough timeline of the events.

Was "clean" when we met. From the heavy stuff, that is. Leaned heavily on alcohol. Gradually started smoking weed again as well.

Romance happens, genuine connection happens, all that stuff.

In the span of like four months, this man goes from "drugs were bad for me", and "I'm trying to stop drinking beer as well" (didn't drink for three days) to "cocaine was so nice", "I wish I could find some pills here", and "can you help me find meth, please please pleaseee".

Other quotes of his include "Do you think we can find oxycodone in your city?", "I am only going to do meth once or twice a week", "I just need a little boost", "I won't do it every day, I swear", and "I understand the cycle now, I can control it".

At the same time, his personality started changing, and he seems way more self-centered, generally less caring, less romantically involved, and just colder.

The last installment in this series of events is that I overwhelmed him emotionally, after sensing the switch, and now he has pushed me away and is seemingly self-isolating. At least from me.

He hasn't actually relapsed on the hard stuff yet, but purely because he has no access to the drugs at the moment.

Apparently, the last time he did meth was 5/6 months ago. In the gap between then and now he's also had codeine and one random pill if Xanax.

The fuck is happening? How do these addiction curves and cycles work? What's the mechanism behind his personality shifting? Give me at least some wisdom, I'm begging.

Does anyone have a subreddit suggestion or zoom meeting group that is specifically tailored towards couples that are trying to survive early recovery that are specific to both parties being addicts? We were clean both when we got together (he had 4 years and I had 9) and both relapsed….separately. Now we’re several months later and really struggling to get it together again. And neither of us have any support outside of each other basically 🙃
We’re really just looking for anything at this point because we’re both needing separate advice and maybe someone to vent to that’s been through this and understands the complexity of it.

Smoking weed for the first time made me realize how uncomfortable, timid and closed off I constantly was. I never understood how bad my anxiety was, just used to everyone saying I’m choosing to be difficult, doesn’t want to commit, to suck it up. Usually would just get whipped and shouted at for hours. Wasn’t just anxiety, hearing issues making me not recognize how loud my voice is sometimes. It scares people and makes them want to shut me down even though I don’t mean it. And constantly misunderstood, disrespected so often but lectured on how I need to learn my lesson by the way I reacted to it. And that first hit of weed made so relaxed and unashamedly happy! Weed was my first relationship

And now it’s a crutch that doesn’t really help much except some things. Every time I get off weed, I was sober 8 months last year, it truly feels like something is dying and rotting inside me. No energy no real happiness or enthusiasm it’s all gray.

Why do I feel so fucking off with no weed compared to literally any other drug I’ve taken. Even with my meds, not having weed and being alone is agonizing. No one gets it man. I work out, I go on walks, I have a lot of indoor hobbies, no money atm. but looking for work and making sure I’m taking care of biz. I don’t have a car and outside of my hobbies there’s not much left to do besides what I’ve already been doing which is partly career influenced.

And if the weed isn’t there, I need something to make my anxiety and weak body feeling shut the fuck up. Always have to be buzzed when I’m left to my own devices or having casual hangouts/out with my girl etc

It’s so embarrassing. “It is what it is” doesn’t help anymore. I keep a bible right next to me. But like man can this stop. I saw something on YouTube for anxiety attacks that focused on thinking about sensory stimuli, cold water and lifting whenever I just can’t handle it. Otherwise, I’m like fucked. I don’t want you anymore like that weed. Everyone is disappointed with who I am now vs who I was. But fuck them man I was suffering and they were so comfortable with me then. But I’m fucking pathetic and seem to be the only person I know that can’t be comfortable with being uncomfortable.

It’s not fair bruh it’s frustrating. Whenever I run out of weed it’s like everything slows down to jello and turns black and white. No one understands. Prayer isn’t enough. I was in pain before the weed and I’m still in pain after. I’ve been isolated all my life and I STILL can’t do it. I can’t stop crying and being angry and being depressed I can’t just focus on me and my hobbies and my goals. And I don’t want to end it. So am I just born to break? What is normal. What does it feel like to be high off of nothing but life.

No one’s going to save me in these addictions. I don’t really believe in true love anymore. Everyone man everyone moved on without me because I was too much. I am the common factor in people that were once friends and family distancing themselves because what have I achieved. I’m an addict that doesn’t know how to quit and not suffer immensely while I am still going through so many other devastating things right now.

I don’t do well on my own but everyone kinda just runs away and slips out at the last second it feels like. It’s not enough to call or text old friends in other cities whenever they have time to occasionally. There was a purity of love and comfort and promise that has been ripped from me multiple times, and the juxtaposition between now and me nearly going homeless, stuck isolated in an apt with holes all over because I can’t deal with abandonment on so many fronts. crushes me. It destroys me

Maybe the answer to life is to just observe mundanity. There is no real joy because it feels like everything good and pure is meant to be shattered. I need to be fucked up to function and have my good days. What the fuck am I supposed to do when I try to focus on what brang me entertainment and fun or career goals, BUT ITS ALL GRAY!

It’s similar to the feeling of stale saliva in your mouth that makes you gag and feel yuck. But enough complaints I guess. I need to try out the new method I learned when I run out. Even though it doesn’t even change the overall energy and mood. I’m not living anymore I’m just running from anxiety and panic attacks and cutting. Even if I could do it again, I still don’t see how I could’ve stood a chance against my childhood and teen years. I don’t see any scenario where I wouldn’t eventually run to the drugs.

Im also getting therapy soon. But I don’t have hope. I’ll talk about my weed addiction, my debilitating porn addiction stemming from child abuse, they ignore it or just passively acknowledge it as if it’s something I shouldn’t be upset about having to go through.

I’m going to try my hardest to make this technique I found work. People only see the addict and not the person who even in their sober days gets to work and takes care of what they need in planning for the future. Maybe I just don’t want it bad enough to not ruin my life multiple times over. Even as relapsing on weed always starts with severe panic attacks, I’m told I just don’t want it bad enough. That I need to prioritize the feelings of the people and family that watched me suffer and didn’t make it easy, eventually abandoned me for it. I try man I came to my parents crying 7 years ago that I needed help and as with my entire life they couldn’t be bothered to have ever sat down and asked how I was first college semester.

I hope one day I’ll get completely used to suffering and shred every sense of empathy and emotion in me

She had come in contact with her uncle and his wife, did some odd jobs for a few dollars. They fed her and brought her water, protien shakes. Well the place she was staying at with her bf they are no longer welcome. She has been camping out with her bf in this heat. Her uncle offered her to come stay the night without the bf but she is so wrapped up in him she wont leave him. They wanted me to come get her and lock her in my basement.. Um it doesn't work that way. She tells them they both want to get clean but I guess he has a warrant out so I doubt he can just check in to rehab. She knows she has a ride to rehab from me, I will get her what she needs to go. I do have her son and it hurts so much that she chooses this guy over her own son. I hope the guy gets picked up but who knows if she will even get help at that point. I do not enable besides paying for her phone which she cant charge anymore and I will buy her food if I see her. Could she be approaching rock bottom? I hope so. Just got word she lost her phone so I suspended service.

TL;DR: Meeting happens very close to a place where weed is sold, so I don't wanna risk going.

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In our town, 2-3 different groups have meetings on different days.

Tuesday and Saturday's meeting happens at St. Josephs, and yeah very close to there you can buy weed.

I generally don't have money, but that weed is so incredibly cheap that I can afford it.

I was told by a chair that I must come to every meeting in early recovery since there is a high chance of relapse...

But I don't think risking it is a good idea, I'll just go another day to another place.

But I used to use it every Saturday evening, so I'm having a really hard time right now, I don't know what to do, maybe I'll order monster ultra as some sort of substitute?

I don't know, I don't like the idea of substituting, because that has caused me to stay stuck with the substitution, sometimes along with the substitutee :/

Whatever, caffeine is I suppose more acceptable than cigarettes or weed...

God!

2 months ago, I was sitting around the fire with my Uncle… A hippy, now 80 years old, who still consumes daily.

We were talking about life, and growing old… He said, “Marijuana may not kill your body, but I promise you, it will kill your soul.”

Some of the saddest, best advice I’ve ever gotten.

Today, I’m 2 months marijuana free.

16 years old my sister is 20 we still live with our parents. ive been addicted to drugs since i was 13 i have barely been able to get sober only for a couple months.

yesterday i was visibly slurring and i couldnt walk or speak properly or hold myself together and she kept asking me. almost two years ago i overdose my parents kept me at home and didnt take me to the hospital and i think she found out. i come from a family of nonconfrontational people.

my family thinks ive been sober ever since i keep asking my dad for money we struggle with money we moved to new area but i still cant this trauma follows me wherever i go i make my friends sad even my new friendssive made everyone i know sad weve struggled to make new ones ever sinve we were little and all we have is eachother i dont know why is she scared to lose me if she is why doesnt she do anything

i cant tell my parents i used to self harm starting at 12
i told them at 13 and they barely did anything i dont trust doctors i told them
my dad told them about my drug addiction and they still gave me prescription stimulants that are abuseable and never screened me for adhd ive had mental ilness since i was 8 too chicken shit to kill myselr rven thougu i have a plan im sorry if this is annoyign just tell me im Helpless or something

we wanted to move to new jersey together but i think i will die before then i will never be able to go to fashion school or do cosmetology ive had so many dreams and everything ive had in life has been crushed by my mental disorders

You're not my favorite mistake you're just a simple regret I thought I knew who you were but watch how fast I forget!

I'm currently pregnant, I have a son, and I'm completely emotionally exhausted. My partner is in active addiction to alcohol, GHB ("G"), heroin and methamphetamine ("ice"). Over the past 8 months I've spent approximately $20,000 supporting him. I've bought him cigarettes, groceries, food, given him money whenever he's asked, let him live with me for months, and even helped him get two cars, both of which he crashed. Despite everything I've done, he continues to ask me for money. He also has a history of lying to me and cheating on me with multiple women. One woman in particular is someone he goes to for sex, drugs and somewhere to stay whenever we're fighting. I've begged him for the past 8 months to stop contacting or seeing her, but he continues to lie about it and keeps going back. Every time I think I finally know the truth, I discover another lie. A few days ago I was driving to a hotel where I was supposed to stay with him. While I was on my way, he called asking me to send him money, so I did. When I arrived at the hotel, the other woman was walking out as I was walking in. I was absolutely devastated. Later I saw the Uber receipt and realised the money I'd sent him had been used to pay for an Uber that picked her up from the hotel and took her home. Seeing her leave the hotel as I arrived, together with the receipt and the history of their relationship, made me believe he'd arranged for her to leave just before I got there. When I confronted him, he denied anything had happened. Eventually he broke down crying, promised me nothing happened and even swore on his child's life that he hadn't cheated. The problem is he's lied to me so many times before that I don't know what to believe anymore. We argued all night. The next morning I woke him up, said goodbye, and told him I wanted to go home because I wanted to check on my son and I was emotionally exhausted. Instead of understanding, he got angry, told me I wasn't going anywhere, threatened to block me if I left, and accused me of having another man picking me up. As soon as I got home, he demanded I video call him to prove I was at my house and that I was alone. Later that same day, he called asking me for money again. I told him I couldn't keep sending him money, and his response was simply, "Fuck you." Whenever I set any boundary, whether it's saying no to money, questioning his lies, confronting his cheating, or simply wanting to go home, I somehow end up feeling like I'm the one who's done something wrong. I love him, but I'm exhausted and I feel like I've completely lost my ability to know what's real anymore. I genuinely want honest opinions. Am I being manipulated? Is this something addiction can explain, or am I making excuses for behaviour that no one should accept? If you were in my position, what would you do?

Hi everyone I love reading everyone’s posts but it’s time I make a post myself because I am struggling.
I am among the ones that got completely wrecked by 7-oh. It’s wrecked me so bad I’m filing bankruptcy and I barely make it to payday so I have to ubereats or I don’t eat. It’s completely ruined me. I recently moved to Oregon last year and I don’t know anyone. I really want to start getting involved in the recovery community and meet people that want to start sober and do outdoor sober activities with and just honestly make some healthy sober friends.
I’m not sure where to begin. I’ve been to meetings before but I mostly just sit there and listen to everyone speak and not really meet anyone. The isolation is the reason I keep relapsing. I isolate and become bored so then I relapse and go hang out at the coast by myself all day because well things are better when you’re high.
I’m not in a place to go to rehab so please don’t suggest that. But any suggestions would be great.

So I am currently on about 80-120mg of MGM a day. I assumed I could switch over without too much pain. Say I get down to dosing only 5 mg 3x a day, then hop over to big doses of 7OH like 70mg or so... I am aware there is another receptor at play here, however, from some of the medical literature and from what I have heard, apperently the delta receptor isn't responsible for as much as the other receptor that's being activated in both 7 and MGM.

I know chances are at the end of the month all of this will be illegal and scheduled. I have NO idea what I will do. I don't even imagine tapering in 30 days is realistic because I will be uncomfortable for a month doing a quick taper like that.

Im very very very well aware of the type of response I will get here, however, I am actually tempted to try and get on methadone and just worry about quitting that someday when I have the time and the money to miss some work. I was addicted to suboxone due to being prescribed it a few years ago and I hopped off after a quick taper and went into withdrawal for 20+ day's so I know how serious this stuff is and what it leads to. I went nearly the entire month without sleeping. I just don't have the liberties in my life right now to miss work, to not be a family member and a caretaker of a needy family member.

Hi guys!

I admit I'm struggling with methamphetamine. Despite my effords I still have my ups and downs, currently having a relatively bad period (not the worst I've had) - maybe using like once a week.

I'll try to not go into further details and will focus on one huge for me issue - sleeping, or the lack of it. In my case the sleeping issues after the drug using worsened a lot with time, especially the last few months have been absolutely awful, like life is fading away from me and I believe the main reason is not just the drug itself but the lack of sleep.

As I already mentioned lately I've been using like once a week and not too big doses - snorting 2 or 3 lines in a Friday night after a couple of drinks. I don't even feel a big effect anymore, the high and the euphoria I used to feel are no way near the same, I actually feel like an idiot for keeping using.

But for some reason I start sleeping less and less despite the little effect I feel after 2 or 3 lines. I obviously don't sleep the first night after using as the stimulant is still strong in my blood. One sleepless night I can survive just fine as I'm used to it but something happened to me and I can't fall asleep in the second night too even when I don't feel the meth in my system.

I think this happens because lately I've been experiencing huge anxiety, especially strong after the stimulant gets out of my body. This kind of anxiety was not present a year or two back. The more I try to force sleeping the worst it gets and I try to get out of bed and do some simple stuff but it is really hard. I feel extreme fatigue, keep sweating all day long, heart is beating fast and blood pressure is higher than usual, I can't focus and keep forgetting simple things, I feel dizzy, my emotions are really strange too.

I just don't feel natural and don't know what to do start sleeping as a normal human being and feel normal again. Well, I know the first thing I should do is to completely quit meth and drinking too as that serves as a trigger for me but believe me its been hard as I've been doing this for the last 15 years.

So in my situation basically two lines of meth are equial to two nights of no sleep. Skipping two or even sometimes three nights of sleep per week is just way too much and is literally destroying me. I'm also a person who can almost never sleep in the day to catch up a bit, especially in a hot day like this one. Of course there are many other issues that the drug bring but at this moment I feel like the lack of sleeping is the biggest one by far.

And the worst part is that I'll eventually start sleeping after ~48 hours, after a few nights I'll most likely feel a bit better (still far from optimal) then I'll just get drunk and high again. Unfortunately this keeps repeating over and over again. I know everyone is different and it isn't a good idea to compare with others but I know guys who use meth daily and can sleep for at least 3 or 4 hours a night, that's something I can only dream for. Don't even know how it's possible.

I'm posting this to both vent and seek any advice from anyone who have experienced something similiar or is familiar with problems like that. How do I end this curced cycle and how do I start sleeping again? I'm not taking any sleeping pills as I don't think using them while meth could still be in my system is a good idea. Why I can't fall asleep even after I don't feel high anymore and how do I survive this?

I'll stop here as this is already getting too long. Any advice would be highly appreciated. Thanks to everyone who had the time to read all this!

I’m 33. And if I’m being completely honest, my life hasn’t been simple.

I grew up in a house where sex was everywhere. Not healthy. Not private. Not appropriate. From the age of 1 to 13, I was exposed to my parents’ sexual encounters. I heard them. I saw things. I was sometimes instructed to do things I didn’t understand. No one explained what was happening. No one protected me. I just absorbed it like it was normal.

By the time I was 8-10 years I was already hypersexual. I was masturbating constantly. I was curious in ways that were way beyond my age. Not because I was evil. Not because I was craving attention. But because that was the only environment I had. I didn’t know what was healthy. I didn’t know what was private. I didn’t know what was consent. I just reacted to what I’d been exposed to.

As a kid, I acted out sexually with other kids. I didn’t understand boundaries. I didn’t understand power dynamics. I didn’t understand that what I was doing could be harmful. I thought I was playing. I thought I was exploring. I didn’t have the framework to know better.

By 12, a bad incident happened with an older teenager. Someone older. Someone who knew more than I did.That wasn’t healthy. But because my brain was already flooded with sexual exposure, it didn’t register as wrong in the way it should have.

As I got older, things didn’t reset.

In my teens, I became more compulsive. I chased sexual experiences. I got involved in situations with boys women and transwomen not because I wanted to hurt anyone. But because I didn’t know how to separate attraction, validation, trauma, curiosity, and addiction. I was looking for intensity. For connection. For something that made me feel wanted.

I’ve made mistakes.

I’ve crossed lines.
I’ve acted impulsively.
I’ve ignored red flags.
I’ve let lust override judgment.
I’ve let addiction control decisions.
I’ve failed relationships.
I’ve failed myself.

I’ve spent years calling myself broken. A degenerate. A predator. A failure. Sometimes I still do. Especially when someone online attacks me and calls me those names. It hits because part of me already believes them.

I’ve struggled with porn addiction. Masturbation addiction. Sexual compulsivity. I’ve had neurogenic erectile dysfunction. I’ve had panic attacks from trauma memories. I’ve had moments where I’ve felt like I was losing my mind. I’ve questioned whether I’m traumatized or just making excuses.

I’ve tried therapy. Some therapists didn’t get it. Some focused on my “choices today” instead of what happened to me. That hurt. Because when you’re still hearing your mother scream through the wall in your memories, coping techniques feel like they’re missing the point.

I’ve also failed in other ways.

I’ve avoided responsibility at times.
I’ve blamed my trauma instead of owning my choices.
I’ve used my story to justify behavior I now regret.
I’ve isolated myself instead of seeking real help.
I’ve let shame run my identity.

But here’s the part people don’t see:

I wasn’t born evil. I was shaped by chaos. And when you grow up without healthy models, you don’t automatically become healthy. You become confused. Reactive. Addicted to intensity.

I don’t expect everyone to understand. Some people will judge. Some will call me attention-seeking. Some will say I’m playing the victim. That’s fine.

I’m not posting this to manipulate.
I’m not posting this to shock.
I’m not posting this to get sympathy.

I’m posting because hiding has made me more isolated than honesty ever did.

I’m still figuring myself out. Still trying to separate trauma from choice. Still trying to understand whether I’m wired differently or just deeply shaped by what happened to me.

I’m not proud of my past.
But I’m not pretending it didn’t happen either.

And I’m trying — even if slowly — to become someone better than the chaos that created me.