r/addiction

Today is 4 years. I haven’t heard from anyone today. The first year I haven’t. One thing to learn is that the day starts to pass kind of like a birthday, it’s just another day. But I’m happy. I celebrated with a kickass leg day at the gym.

I wish I could tell you how to do it. But for every success story there is someone who followed the same path and failed. You will have to forge your own path. It can be frightening. I hope that you don’t stop trying though!

I've recently have gotten into an IOP program and have stayed sober for about 3 weeks from alcohol. Been sober from adderrall for 7 years.

About 12 years ago I got to the end of my undergraduate degree and had a massive breakup with someone and just wasn't feeling good. I am a musician and wasn't feeling good about my playing. I got into grad school on a free ride and was thankful for it. But I didn't want to go. I just wanted to be a bartender to just figure out my life. My parents had strong feelings about this and they hated the idea of me being a bartender. They basically told me I have to go to grad school. I told them I'd move out the house and figure out a way to make a living but they said no. I gave them several solutions but they objected. So I caved in and decided to go to grad school despite me not wanting to go. At this point I hated practicing my instrument and didn't want to go but I had to because my parents are very strict.

In order to tolerate grad school and practicing I go to a psychiatrist that my mom introduces me to and I lie to the doctor that I have ADHD. This was so I could get adderrall and tolerate practicing and school because this drug helps you get interested in things you normally don't care about. Grad school happens and it goes ok, almost won a military job and what not. Eventually it's time to graduate and my professor wants me to do the DMA but I'm in the middle of a severe drug addiction. Not being aware I'm literally on drugs to fuel a career I don't want, I decide to do my Doctorate at School A. I wanted to go to School B but my professor says no because he doesn't like the teacher and didn't allow me to go there or else he would black ball me from ever playing in orchestras. Felt awful. I agree to go to school A, despite knowing the vibes where bad at this place.

Fast forward 3 years, I'm miserable. Like really miserable. I hated attending school A. I'm physically, mentally, and psychologically exhausted at this point. I couldn't go any further and I was starting to use parts of my brain I shouldn't be using. I was even using other hard drugs to this point to fuel a career only my parents wanted for me. I was also struggling with my sexual identity on top of this. This caused me to dip into what felt like a mental illness. It was a really scary psychosomatic illness. Because I was sick, I also got addicted to alcohol and as soon as I came home from my bartending gigs, I would hang out with friends online and drink until 5am everyday.

Eventually the psychosomatic illness was so severe I couldn't walk or hold my head up straight. I could barely breathe. I had to quit work because I was physically unable to.

Luckily this year I figured out what was triggering the illness and the physical symptoms are starting to fade and I'm in a really good IOP for addiction. Today I'm spiraling because I had dinner with my parents and they told me it's my fault that I was addicted to drugs/alcohol and it's my fault I got into a psychosomatic illness. My Mom says "It wasn't your environment, you made these choices." Was it my fault I had to hide my sexual identity because my Dad is a huge homophobe? Is it my fault I got addicted to drugs because you forced me to go to grad school because all you care about is getting degrees I don't use? Is it my fault I tried my best to be a musician and literally killed myself doing so in the process and receive a psychosomatic illness and probably a mental illness? I feel really angry about this and want to relapse. What makes me mad is that they hired a therapist for themselves because me going through this was too much for them and they wanted to know why I was going through this. I told their therapist I hated the fact they made me go to school and had to get addicted to drugs to get by. They immediately deflect and say they don't remember forcing me to do this.

I know I should of stood up to my parents and professors but I didn't know what else to do. Also I feel guilty for being mad and I'm sure I'm going to be called soft. I just hated the fact my Mom told me not to blame the environment that drove me to illness and addiction when in fact it felt like it. And when I move out of my parents house I kind of want to cut ties with them. I think my relationship with theme is really unhealthy. Is this overreacting?

I have a 19 year old loved one who is currently struggling with addiction to synthetic marijuana, nicotine, and alcohol. Unfortunately, we have tried many rehabs in Georgia but none of them have worked. I was wondering if anyone had any recommendations for a good co occurring rehab in Georgia or the surrounding states for young adults, also preferably somewhere nicotine free as we are trying to get off of that as well. If anyone has any recommendations please do comment. We are struggling 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

The old chestnut it could never be me.

Addiction is a lonely place

I got to the grand age of 36 recreationally drinking and using party drugs. Here an there. Nothing consistent and didnt use anything for months at a time.

Something happened in my life which devastated me, turnt my world on its head. And here I am.

Abusing a substance and alcohol nearly every day for the past 10 months.

Functioning...for how long? Who knows.

Life really can be cruel and its even more frustrating to recognise the spiral and still not pull yourself out of it.

Just venting. I hope one day I will have the strength soon to stop and sort myself out

Its amazing how well problems can be hidden.

*if anybody wants a chat im up (no weird shit) just lonely and lost im in the uk, would appreciate anyone for a chat

Anyone else like this?
I’m not addicted to a certain drug, mostly one at a time. For a long time it was opiates, then adhd meds got me addicted to stimulants.

Out of adderall 2 weeks too early again, so buy street speed. Doing it at late night to get energy to clean up the messy apartment. Instead waste the night gambling and talking to ai, buying stuff on online, searching for something that will change it all.

Sleep at 5am,

wake up 8am,

immediately dose to wake up and go to uni, apartment somehow an even worse disgusting mess than the night before.

Heart is feeling shaky and hallucinating again, better skip school and do some more speed and study at home, headache

Missed so much schoolwork so today gotta lock in hard. But first have to write 28 messages to make the perfect AI study plan from scratch for the 111 thousandth time.

3pm and I havent eaten, studied, cleaned or anything at all except useless bullshit. Speed wearing off, better take a big hit now and I’ll fix everything

Wooopsie was that a bit much maybe?

Fear.

More fear.

Sudden chest tightness and wave of terror
OOF bad one this time.
Heart clunking rapidly
Waves of terror

Breathe. Breathe.

Damn might actually die this time.

Calling 911 screaming in terror
Calm down
Hold on maybe I’m not dying after all
Sorry I was having a nightmare dont send anyone Click.

Fear

Fear

Dont answer calls or texts, noone can know any of this.

Tomorrow I’ll turn it around.
Soon everything will finally change.

Repeat every day for the last 2 weeks.

What the fuck am I doing with my life. I can still fix it but I just won’t. Its fine, then I spiral, isolate, spiral more, lose friends, dont talk to anyone.

When I’m sober I do not want to live at all. I cannot do anything and everything is so painful and feels horrible all the time. My brain has never been normal but it used to be better. I’ve not had a sober day since I was 19 in which I didn’t wish I was on some drug or dead instead. But I used to be able to see people on drugs before this. Now I cant even do that. I’m fucking done

Actually suicidal for the first time ever. I don’t see any way to enjoy living again

In a very confusing but yet clear state.
I’m very addicted to coke+booze mix ever since I got back from a deployment. Been almost everyday since I got home 7 months ago. Had the same problem 2 years before that. I really really wanna be sober but don’t at the same time. I’m in trouble with my jobs and now my wife/family. I wanna be sober but feel like I don’t want to at the same time. I’m no stranger to rehab/counseling, they always seem to make me worse in my opinion. I hate telling people my feelings and I feel like rehab is just a little ol poor me program. I will say NA meetings feel good, I feel connected to most people there, but at the same time it doesn’t help. I’m like stuck in purgatory with what I want in life. I have a wife and children which I care about very much but I’m just not man enough to do the right thing. Purgatory. Anyone else feel this way?

I'm an assistant. I book travel and I run a diary and a while back the person I work for asked me to arrange this for him. I'm not going to say who or what field, that's the whole point but he's the kind of person whose absence gets noticed
the brief I was given was short. Find a place where nobody will know I'm there
Paracelsus came up first, but the price was too high. Les Alpes also looked private, though i wasnt really sure what that meant in practice
Dr Vorobjev in Belgrade was another option we looked at. they had airport pickup and the clinic was in a quieter area, which seemed useful for privacy
what i realised after looking into all of them is that the stay itself is only part of the privacy problem. the harder bit seems to be the months after when follow up calls and appointments keep showing up in a diary other people can see
for anyone who's dealt with this, how did u handle the long term follow up side without making it obvious what the appointments are for??
Thank you

In 2023 I relapsed after my father died. I relapsed because i didn’t know if there was a version of me strong enough to survive the pain sober, I thought my grief and anger would kill me if I had to feel all of it.

My father died unexpectedly two weeks before my 30th birthday, two weeks before I got to see him and speak to him for the first time in 17 years. For all those years, our silence had been a kind of unfinished sentence, one I believed we would eventually get to complete. I had carried the possibility of that reunion for so long that I never considered a world in which it would never happen. Then, just as the distance between us was about to close, it became permanent.

So I ran. I used every day, all day, for almost three years (I’ll let you guys do that math on that), I fucked up my health, destroyed my nose, and destroyed my life. I spent almost three years trying not to be sad and it became the saddest I have ever been. That's the cruelest joke of avoidance. The pain you refuse to feel doesn't leave, it just takes over everything else. I tried so fucking hard not to grieve my father that I ended up grieving my entire life.

I never imagined a day where I'd choose to stop. I thought something outside of me would have to make me. So I kept searching for that one thing that would finally make me want to get better, as if there was some missing piece that, once found, would make sobriety and recovery suddenly possible. I thought I needed to understand something, feel something or become someone else before I could change.

Instead, I became exhausted. The kind of exhaustion that comes from waking up to the same suffering every day, watching yourself disappear into a life you no longer know how to escape.

I don’t know when it happened but at some point i realized i wanted the hurting to end more than I wanted the numbness to continue. The only way out was through and it was brutal. I wasn’t ready to be saved. I wasn’t ready to forgive my body for surviving. I wasn’t ready to give up the one thing that didn’t ask me to heal.

I slipped once in 93 days and it could have been the end of the story. Instead it became a mirror and it showed me exactly who I never want to be again.

Recovery is not easy and the struggle doesn't end the moment you choose to get better. I still struggle. But I've learned that difficult doesn't mean impossible and that sometimes you have to begin without believing in the possibility of a different life. Today, I know what it means to want to live more than I want to escape. Today, I would walk through fire to save my life.

I know I'm still early in recovery and I have a lot of living and healing ahead of me. But I've spent enough of my life waiting for some future version of myself to finally be okay. Today is the life I'm living and I'm learning to meet it where I am.

If you're still running, I understand and I’m here with you. I know how hard it is to imagine a life beyond what you're using to survive. You don't have to see that life yet. You just have to leave room for the possibility that it exists.

Thank you for reading. 🤍

Posting on throwaway account, but could really use some help from anyone who’s been through a similar situation. I feel lost right now. Thank you for all that respond in advance.
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30yo male working in investment banking since 2022, located in San Francisco (if helpful for context/if anyone has any recommended resources in the area). I started taking 20 mg XR Adderall in 2020 as prescribed for ADHD, but over the past few years since I switched careers, my use has escalated. I’ve been taking more than prescribed, running out early, and supplementing with pressed pills sold as amphetamines. I’ve reached a point where I’m relying on stimulants to keep up with the demands of my job, upwards of 60-70mg/day.

More recently, I used Klonopin 4-5/days a week for about the past five months to cope with stress/anxiety (not prescribed), and stopped last week. I’ve been experiencing manageable withdrawal symptoms, but it’s really forced me to take a hard look at my situation. This is now my third stint with benzos since 2021, and I can just see the writing on the wall with where this could go if I don’t stop now.

I’ve only told my sister about everything this week, and I’m preparing to be fully honest with my fiancée who gets back from a work trip tonight. She knows about my Adderall prescription, but not the full extent of my drug usage.

The biggest complication with all this is work. I have a substantial bonus coming at the end of February, and I’m getting married in April. That money is important to our wedding plans and potential house purchase. I’ve worked incredibly hard to get where I am, and I’m scared that if I stop relying on stimulants/drugs, I won’t be able to perform at the level my job requires.

I know I need professional help, and I’m contemplating speaking openly with my psychiatrist and asking them for guidance. I’m struggling with the fear of losing access to medication, damaging my career, and having to give up financial goals I’ve worked toward for years.

For those who’ve been through stimulant/drug dependence, particularly in demanding careers:

1. What made you realize you had a problem?
2. How did you share with your partner or other family members/friends?
3. Did you tell your psychiatrist or other physician about your problem? Were they actually helpful? Did they cut you off your stimulant prescription?
4. How did you handle the fear of being unable to perform at work without stimulants/other drugs?
5. Did you have to leave your job or take extended leave, or were you able to recover while staying employed?

Truly appreciate any perspectives that anyone has to offer. Thanks so much.

I've only been addicted to it for about a month and a half now, but I started treating it like a reward and had stopped doing it in social settings with friends and drinking while doing it. Like after a long work week, id get a day and a half off and just spend the rest of my weekend doing it and then it started to develop me doing it over the week nights, snot rocketing tf outta my nose so i can still sleep and then i i am st the point of pulling all nighters and i essentially dont want to lose my job over this. I am looking for some help on how people have quit without using CA meetings cause i actually did go to one and it actually made me want to do more for some reason. Also would like to try the route where i figure it out myself with my friends' support before i have to actually take the rehab route.

Also before I got addicted i used to have no problem saying no when it was waived in front of me or we were in a social settings and i had to work the next day. I was disciplined while drinking more than sober. And i believe thst the hangover drinking/doing blow is less dreadful than when you do it sober. Ive also isolated myself in my bedroom to do a full bag. And as much as i tell myself im gonna go back to the gym start meal prepping again, as soon as the weekend comes aroidn or if im at home just thinking about it, im gonna do it. But I still somehow make it to my beer league hockey games (not on it). But ive given up on all of my other hobbies. All my friends know and are supporting me and wanting to help but at this poijt i feel ashamed and embarrassed that im in this state. I'm only 25 and ive got a good job and great friends, this is just a poor decision i made to my name. I also am not going through anything as in any struggles or hardships to feel like i need to cope with cocaine. I made a bad decision and I'm simply digging myself in a deeper hole sadly.

22m, 64kg

I have been using opioids for roughly 3 years now, it started as occasionally getting dihydrocodeine cough syrup over the counter. That turned into every day, that turned into finessing oxys from the doctor, then buying oxys off the street, now my daily dose is 200-260mg of oxy. Then recently (about 2 months ago) I started using heroin. I would go through a gram in 2 days. I've never used any drug iv, I just snorted the heroin, and just chewed and swallowed oxys because they are xr.

About 2 weeks ago I tried to quit (I've been wanting nothing more to quit for ages now). My doctor gave me clonidine, which actually helps a lot... Anyways I got 7 days in and I was starting to feel actually quite a bit better, the only thing that was really starting to drive me insane was the sleep, I was getting 0 sleep. So, I decided to get some diazepam to help... And it did. Then, being the addict that I am, I tried to chase a good buzz from them. And of course, as benzos do, they make you very impulsive. So I went and bought some oc 80s, only a couple. I thought "just once won't reset my withdrawals" well it probably wouldn't have if I didn't do more valium and started buying more oxys... Now I've been back on oxys for about a week and also have gone through a gram of heroin.

Anyways I'm really down on myself right now and I'm just after advice from anyone who has gotten clean and was able to stay clean. I'm booked in for an inpatient detox in 3 weeks from now and mainly want advice on how to stay clean once I am detoxed... I think I will try to get clean before the inpatient detox but I'm just really not motivated to at the moment, at the same time I want nothing more than to never do any drug ever again, I hate this life and I have so much I want to do.

Anyways, any advice would be very much appreciated, I feel like everyone in my life doesn't understand and I need advice from people who do... Thanks in advance for any input.

​

Today marks X amount of years of struggling with addiction.

I've fallen down and gotten back up thousands of times. I've engaged in multiple levels and kinds of treatment, attended a gazillion support group meetings, and occasionally gotten to enjoy some clean time for my efforts.

I have no personal desire to use drugs or engage in addictive behaviors. It would be nice if I could, you know, NOT. But I do, again and again. And while that's not OK with me, and not OK in terms of the consequences, it doesn't make me any less strong, any less deserving of respect, or any less worthy as a human being.

A lack of success doesn't erase the effort I've put in.

Something I've noticed is that we're really good at celebrating people in recovery. Someone announces another year of sobriety, and we congratulate them. And rightfully so! That's an accomplishment worth celebrating.

But what about those of us who are still in it? Those of us who keep trying, keep getting back up, keep putting in the work, but haven't managed to achieve sustained recovery?

Where are our snaps? Our "good job!" and "atta boy!"?

I don't need to diminish anyone else's accomplishments to recognize my own efforts. And I don't need to wait until I'm sober to acknowledge that I've been trying, sometimes very hard, for a very long time.

So I'll celebrate myself, too. I'll recognize my continued efforts toward sobriety, and I'll represent myself as the addict still in addiction. Because I don't need sobriety as a badge of honor. I've got years of trying behind me, and that counts for something, too.

With that said, go me. Ill keep up the good work.

recebi um dinheiro inesperado e resolvi gastar tudo em cocaina. peguei 7 gramas de cocaina. nas primeiras horas da noite tudo maravilhoso, curtindo uma música e conversando com os amigos e bem relaxado. lá pelas 8 horas da manhã eu comecei a quinta grama e o negócio desandou, tive crises de ansiedade que pareciam um infarto ou overdose (uma pressão no peito, dificuldade de respirar, suor, tontura, sensação de que eu ia desmaiar) já tive alguns episódios assim até de ir pro hospital mas esse de hoje foi o pior de todos. dai diminuí o ritmo e tomei dois alprazolam e me ajudou muito então creio que seja um episódio de ansiedade e a sobrecarga no coração. to na última grama vou fumar um baseado e tomar mais dois alprazolam. fica o aviso, usem moderadamente se não quiserem morrer.

Anybody wanna chat WHO can help me?

I was a hardcore junkie i Just relapsed now i wanna chat with someone. I prefer WHO went to addiction specialist or neurologist i wanna talk to sober people . I used heroin a couple Times i was on eu speed for a year or Coke i.abused xtc for 2 years . And im usinf Drugs from 14 now im 22 list goee on

So hit me up

I (for context: F, 20y) went to an AA meeting once, people there were really nice and welcoming, and one of them even offered me a ride home because it was 11pm and I lived quite far away (one and a half hours by bus, and public transportation doesn't work well at night). And then I sort of chickened out and haven't returned. A few months have passed and I feel like I should return again because I haven't been doing really well.

I really don't know if I should return because I feel like it would be very awkward, I don't want them to have another introductory meeting for me. It's also a bit awkward that I am by far the youngest person there. And also I got a fear that I'll meet somebody there whom I will recognize and who will recognize me, idk a person from my university class, a professor, a neighbor, whatever. I am kinda hiding my problems from people I know so I would hate if this happened. Also my parents can't know, but they live a few hours away from me so idk.

Forgive me for a little rant, I hope I can get some advice or some thoughts in general. I don't really know what kind of advice I expect but I really needed to share this.

I’m starting to talk to myself is this a early sign of schizophrenia my anxiety be out the roof at work like almost panic attacks I’m addicted to weed I zone out sometimes like a mini trance that I can’t explain I just want my old life back I wish I never smoked

Last month I was chosen out of thousands of clients to participate in a short video testimonial that was posted on their company website and social media accounts. The corporate office was so moved by my recovery story that i told in the video, they offered me the opportunity to have my full length addiction and recovery story published in their yearly printed publication. I am really proud of everything I've achieved in recovery and its nice to be recognized for it. I have 5 years sober from heroin.Im a single mom and 9 months ago I had major surgery to remove pancreatic cancer. Over a year ago I left a long term abusive relationship with my daughters father. For the past year ive been fighting to protect my young daughter in court because her father continues to relapse and make bad decisions. Fighting a court battle while recovering from major surgery was a challenge. Staying sober after starting my life over as a single mother with no money or resources was a challenge. Receiving a cancer diagnosis during this difficult transition was a challenge. But I got through everything with my sobriety intact. If anyone reading this is struggling with addiction I offer you my support and my friendship. Please feel free to reach out if you need to talk. Recovery is possible.