r/asexuality

Hi, I'm a part of the LGBT community (a lesbian) and I have many ace friends, like 3 or 4, and had a kind of situationship without sex with one asexual person before (never addressed the sex issue because things ended up before that). Among those friends, I have seen the "ace people can also like and enjoy sex" discourse some times.

I remained silent during all the conversation about that because I really didn't understood it and I didn't want to risk offending by questioning how this works. So I wanted someone to explain it better to me

so for example, one argument that I have seen online is that asexuality is about sexual attraction and is possible to enjoy sex even without it. But how can you enjoy having sex without feeling attracted? I, as a lesbian, only feel sexual attraction to women. If I were the last woman in the world I could be totally sexual deprived and with a really high sex drive and libido and I STILL could not have sex with a man because I don't feel sexual attraction to them. Even though I, as a lesbian, enjoy sex, I can not in any situation enjoy it with a man. So how can a person that feels no attraction to either gender enjoy it?

Like I get an asexual person masturbating because this is more like a natural reaction to our body. I also get asexual people having partners because they can feel love and affection. But if you don't feel sexual attraction to your partner and you have sex with them just because you love them that does not sound a little like sexual abuse? Or for example the one ace girl that I had the situationship that I mentioned. I would feel totally weird having sex with her because if she is not sexually attracted to women, when we have sex would she view me as just a "sex drive relief" or something like this?

I don't know I get very confused about that. I really don't want to be offensive but I would be glad if someone could explain it better to me

I understand it at some point but.... Asexuality makes us inherently different, when it comes to mindset way of thinking everything. We do not just lack libido bro....

I watch romance dramas and series and think to myself wow I don't think I'll ever experience this because I've never liked someone to that extent and I feel a bit empty.

I gotta say when I realised I'm asexual as well as aromantic, my confidence went up significantly, because having this label was not only empowering, but also because it has absolutely strengthened my relationships platonically, specifically with women. Furthermore, this community is very wholesome, other aces I've met IRL are some of the greatest people in the world. I've had some straight friends even be jealous that I can just live life without needing romantic/sexual validation from anyone. Oh and also garlic bread has and likely always will be my favourite food and the fact that it's ours is glorious.

i might've worded that weirdly so let me explain and give context:

i'm on the ace spectrum, but i'm not present in the community. partly because i wasn't aware demi was under the ace umbrella for the longest time, and partly because of other reasons. so i don't know what's going on in the community, what kind of problems people complain the most about amongst each other etc.

a sex-repulsed ace person told me during an argument that sex-repulsed aces always get pushed out by sex-favored aces, and that they're made to feel uncomfortable and unwelcome in their own communities by sex-favored aces chiming in to say "we're not all like that!!" every time someone talks about being sex-repulsed.

is that how you feel? my only experience is outside the community, so naturally i thought being sex-favored is being the "odd one out", since people around me usually assume ace = no sex until i explain. so i want to know.

This is not a shitpost. This is a 100%, factual, completely true story. No, seriously.

I’m aroace. I realise that now. But I didn’t consider it at all for LITERAL YEARS, because I didn’t like garlic bread.

Hear me out. You see, when I first came across the term asexual, I did briefly wonder if that could be me. But, when I looked it up, all that really came up were the memes. Memes about how garlic bread is better than sex.

And I looked at that, and legitimately thought “I’d rather have sex than eat garlic bread, so there’s no way I’m asexual.”

And that’s still true! I’d probably consider myself sex repulsed, but I would rather have sex than eat garlic bread.

But why do I hate garlic bread so much? Well, I have an oh so tragic backstory, you see.

One time, as a young child, I was sick with a stomach bug. My dad wanted to make me feel better, so he made me a dinner he thought would be easy to eat and comforting. Cheesy garlic bread. But you know how when you’re sick sometimes, everything tastes like ass? Yeah, it tasted like ass.

Then, I went to bed, still feeling sick. I woke up in the middle of the night, and puked cheesy garlic bread everywhere.

So, to this day, I avoid garlic bread of any kind like the plague.

Now wait, I hear you say! Garlic bread isn’t the only quintessential ace in the hole food! There’s also cake!

Well, guess what? I also hate cake. I saw memes all about garlic bread and cake, and much in the same way I would look at sexual things and say “no thanks, not for me, I’ll be leaving now” I left, and stayed clear of asexual spaces, simply to avoid the memes about the two foods I hate with a passion.

And so, for years, I failed to understand my sexuality. I kept coming back to the idea that I could be asexual. But I didn’t feel like I fit in with the asexual community, these cake loving, garlic bread worshipping gremlins. So I told myself all the classic lies; I haven’t met the right person, I’m bi but everyone’s ugly, I’m too young to know, etc etc.

So, you wonder, what exactly was it that finally slapped me in the face and told me: “You’re asexual, bitch!”?

Hazbin. Hazbin fucking hotel.

You know the guy.

Alastor the godamn radio demon was the relatable meme I needed to feel part of the asexual community. Am I a cannibal? No. Am I a serial killer? Nope. Do I have a fuckass neon pink bob haircut? Definitely not.

But he was sure as hell (pun intended) relatable.

And, watching the show, I found myself thinking: “Huh. There sure are a lot of relationships going on in this show. It’s almost like most people are genuinely interested in that as a plot device and get emotional over the ways they develop…” which only provided further evidence for my trial in both asexual and aromantic court.

Long story short, I HATE garlic bread, and because of that I denied my own asexuality. And it took a fruity red demon to force my eyes open and finally realise the truth.

Thank you for coming to my dumbass TED Talk.

I think that asexuality is a bit different when coming out compared to if someone is homosexual or bisexual etc. This may be because it is less known or because it is more complex eg. lots of asexuals are not aromantic. Therefore, I am interested to see how everyone has approached coming out (or not) after reaching the realisation that they are, in fact, asexual.

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Всем привет.

Мне 18 лет, и последние несколько месяцев я очень много думаю о себе.

Сейчас я состою в своих первых отношениях, и именно благодаря им поняла, что, скорее всего, нахожусь где-то на асексуальном спектре.

Я чувствую себя очень одинокой.

В моём окружении практически нет людей, с которыми можно спокойно поговорить об этом. Большинство либо считают, что это "пройдёт", либо просто не понимают, почему отсутствие сексуального влечения может причинять столько переживаний.

Я постоянно сравниваю себя с другими. Я чувствую себя "неправильной", будто обманываю людей. Будто все умеют любить "как надо", а я нет.

Иногда мне кажется, что я вообще создана только для дружбы.

При этом мой парень не плохой человек. Он уважает мои границы, всегда спрашивает разрешение, если хочет прикоснуться, не давит на меня. Но именно поэтому мне ещё тяжелее — я чувствую вину, потому что понимаю, что мы разные.

Я не ищу диагноз.

Я не прошу сказать, что со мной "что-то не так".

Мне просто хочется поговорить с людьми, которые проходили через похожее.

Как вы перестали считать себя сломанными?

Как перестали сравнивать себя с "обычными" людьми?

Есть ли у вас ощущение, что вы всё время играете роль "нормального человека", хотя внутри чувствуете мир совсем иначе?

Если кто-то захочет просто поговорить — я тоже буду очень рада.

Спасибо всем, кто дочитал.

I don’t feel sexual attraction at all but I do have a sex drive. To make this even more confusing for me I am not opposed to sex but I feel disgusted anytime I think about having sex with one of my crushes. What am I and what do I do? Any advice is accepted.

I’m divorced with two kids but until much later in life—like five years ago tops—I didn’t know that asexuality was a thing, so I spent a good part of my adult life pretending and feeling defective.

Now my daughter came to ask if I ever liked a girl. I said kinda but it’s complicated, she asked questions, and so I said I was asexual so me ‘liking’ people is different.
Then I went down to the kitchen and it hit me that this was the first time I told anyone irl. So I told my daughter this, too, and she laughed and clapped and hugged me like a small coming out party :) and then she told me she was bisexual. Which I’d suspected but I returned the ‘celebration’ obviously and I was very happy she felt she could tell me.
And then my son came and asked what the noise was about, and when we told him he looked mildly confused and asked what asexual meant, and when I told him he hugged me too and said good for you.
And then they started to bicker like proper siblings, and I’m so stupidly happy that kids these days know better than we do how to treat situations like this and how to just take them in stride.
I have no one to share this with so I thought this might be the right place.

Asexuality 🏳️‍🌈

Ever since I came out as asexual to my friends in high school, they have always questioned it for whatever reason. It's always so hurtful, and it makes me feel isolated every time, since the majority of them are part of the LGBTQ+ community. I just zone out and disassociate whenever I'm told that I just "need to try having sex to see if I like it", or "I thought I was asexual too, but I was just ____", or "You probably just haven't found the one", etc. Like, why can't anyone just accept it as it is? They act like they're living in MY body and in MY mind and that they are prevented from having sex. They act like it's a disease to be cured, and it makes me feel like a freak. I hate having to explain my asexuality and giving all of the examples in the world for them to understand. Why is it so difficult for some people to just take it as it is, especially about what someone does in private? I'm just a person who doesn't want to have sex nor rarely interested in relationships because I personally can live without one.

My best friend even sent me a video of someone on a podcast talking about how they thought that they were asexual, but just needed to go to sex dungeons and shit. What the hell is that trying to insinuate??? I didn't even respond, because what can I respond with? It makes me so angry and sad. Everyone acts like I need to have sex, but why is it so important to them? Why is it not important to ME???? I'm just genuinely pissed and confused about why this keeps happening to me. It's difficult to find friends who understand because I'm a young college student and there's rarely anyone who is also asexual in my social circle

NSFW warning ⚠️

So I'm ace and I'm not interested in having sex, but I really enjoy masturbating.

Unfortunately, I've been exposed to porn since I was 12 and I can't masturbate or even get hard without it, so it's absolutely necessary for me to masturbate.

Most of the time I burst out laughing when I watch porn because it looks absolutely crazy to me 😂😭 but still, if I wanna have an orgasm, I need to get into the horny mood and take it seriously, which makes me uncomfortable and shameful, because I really don't like what the actors are doing at all. Do you know if softer porn exists ? Or do you just relate to my experience? thanks 🩷