r/asexuality

I personally think we still face a LOT of stigma, that mainly comes from people conflating discomfort with judgment. If we say “sex grosses me out,” people sometimes interpret it as “sex is gross and you’re gross for enjoying it,” even when we explicitly meant “it is gross to me.”

There is still this weird expectation that aces have to demonstrate that they’re “progressive enough” by being comfortable with sexuality. So a sex favorable ace gets treated as proof that asexuality is valid, while a sex repulsed ace gets treated as somehow imposing morality on everyone else...

We shouldn’t have to soften “I find sex disgusting” into “I’m personally not interested in sex” if disgust is genuinely the feeling. That’s a perfectly valid experience. I think more people (both allos and aces alike) need to learn to distinguish “this makes me feel disgusted” from “therefore everyone else is bad for doing it.”

like, I can understand intellectually that they enjoy it and see is as a form of connection, but they act like it’s something that they need to actively seek out, and why do they get so bent out of shape about low sex drive?

someone actually said that to me that this week. because i told them i was asexual (and aromantic) when they clearly had a crush on me.

so for context, i've (25F) been fairly open about at least being queer as long as i've identified as asexual (10-ish years now). it was a major struggle in high school to find a way to describe myself when i didn't have the word yet; i would try and force myself to have crushes on my classmates so when i finally found out about asexuality, i knew that was what i am! i usually wear a tiny rainbow pin on my jacket to subtly show off my pride because i feel it easier to describe myself as queer instead of asexual (blame our hyper-sexualized society not being familiar with asexuality, i guess), and that pin got the attention of a guy who i met a week ago. this guy was clearly VERY interested in me romantically from the moment we met (i've had to awkwardly shoot down many men before; i can tell lol) so once he asked about the pin and if i was gay (to which i answered no) i then added that i was asexual. that apparently broke his brain.

over the next hour, i heard things like:

"is this a permanent thing?"

"have you heard of demisexual? do you think you're that?"

"do you think you'd ever change your mind?"

"you know, human sexuality is a construct, so i don't think asexuality is real."

of course, i wasn't very talkative for the remainder of the day, because who wouldn't be if you were told that asexuality literally "wasn't real" to preserve the idea that you're actually interested in sex and romance?? so once i went home i received a few texts about what happened that day in which i was told to consider that after a decade of FINALLY having a word that describes me and my place in this world, that there's a 1% chance that one day i'll suddenly wake up ready to have sex with this guy. because i should consider that i'm wrong about a decision i made. about MYSELF. 10 years ago.

i've now been asked if we could be in an "asexual relationship" (he also literally acknowledged i was aro in this same message: what?) and that "there's a person out there for everyone" and seemingly everything in the fake How To Fix An Asexual playbook allos love to pull from. at least the other men i've had to shoot down understood the assignment and backed off without questioning me. this is just... exhausting and super hurtful to hear someone say that asexuality isn't real because it's a barrier between them and me dating or whatever. i might just lie to every man i meet after this and say i have a fake canadian girlfriend so the conversations end there instead of escalating into horrible aphobia.

Context, I am a 22yr old female. So, my mother and older sister have been on my case about not having sex with my boyfriend despite being with him for almost 5 years. They talked about how patient he has been and how much he has been holding back. While I am appreciative of him being respectful with my boundaries, if he really is feeling this way, I'm perturbed that he himself isn't telling me this. Anyway, in this discussion I tell my mother that I've been considering that I may be asexual, because I can't ever recall being sexually attracted to anyone in my life. She tells me that she calls bullshit because when I was very young (something like 4 years old) I incidentally found out pleasuring myself with cups. Being young and unknowledgeable I was addicted to the feeling that my body was liking and my mother remembers it being a battle to get me to stop.

I do masturbate, but if one day I was told I could never do it again, my response would be "oh well". I like the feeling of the stimulation, but the thought of engaging in sexual intimacy puts me on edge and I get this sense of "bitterness". My boyfriend is my boyfriend because I adore him and if he really wanted to do something with me, then I would be willing to put aside my reservations about it for him.

Would I be right to consider myself at least a variant of asexual? I suppose I can also add for context that I am a virgin.

Hi everyone!

I’m guest lecturing during a class on Communicating Gender (communication studies) on asexuality (I’m an asexual panromantic individual who actually took the class a few years back). I was wondering if there’s anything you think would be really important or impactful for young students who are learning about the identity! I’ve already put together some notes on a few topics I know I want to hit, but figured the best place to check would be here lol!

So far I plan on discussing aspec in relation to hegemonic allo society, visibility, the importance of identity (and tying in representation in media), relationships, and the idea of “coming out” as ace. Let me know if you have any thoughts!

I’ve been wondering this for a while, I know some aces are aware of what others find hot/attractive. But I don’t really understand it no matter how hard it try. Some people will hit on me, tell me that I’m acting “seductive” or “sexy” even though I didn’t do anything??? or maybe I did but I don’t understand it?

Is anyone else like this? I just don’t understand how sex appeal works at all <\3 I’m trying and I lowkey feel like an idiot for not getting it. Am I accidentally leading people on?? I don’t propose relationships, or touch people or like even wear revealing clothes. I honestly feel like an alien sometimes

I’m severely depressed, but I’m aware enough to know aspects of my life that I’m lacking at. One big factor is my loneliness. If only I wasn’t ace. Maybe I could’ve had a partner sooner and felt a lot better too. It may be unlikely, but a part of me can’t help but think. However, no matter how desperate I am right now for affection, I haven’t crossed the point of no self respect yet. Unfortunately, I am undeniably asexual

Hey everyone!! I know Coming Out Day isn't until 11 Oct but wanted to wish everyone hear a happy coming out day anyway! I've been dropping some hints around my family that I'm ace, but want to tell it to them straight right then and there (pun intended). Any time I brought up potentially not experiencing sexual attraction, they tend to brush it off, but I want to make it clear as I trust them more than anyone else in the world. If you did it, how did you do it and how did it go for you? :)

P.S: it's been a few years of questioning but I finally found the term for how I've been feeling and it's such a relief to know I'm not "broken." I got my first tiny ace flag pin today and it's so incredibly exciting!!!

I really hate being sexualized and get very uncomfortable at the idea that someone might be sexualizing me. This meant that as a teen when grinding on the dance floor was popular I avoided it like the plague. I never went clubbing or danced at parties. To this day I don't know how to dance in a group setting. Now I'm useless at a wedding, even though it's not sexy dancing. I just never got the practice.

Is this just a me thing with dancing? Does anyone else find their sex-aversion has crept into dance-aversion?

I do LIKE dancing when it's not bump and grind and I have instructions. I learned to line dance and swing dance (both the dorkiest of all dancing lol) once upon a time.