u/Top_Commercial_1509

I've seen some of posts recently about it being "crazy" most people need/value sex. My main issue honestly is the fact this is something we need to discuss in this sub at all. This is a sub about asexuality. We don't need to discuss what other people do outside of the community if it's not hurting anyone. It's normal to need sex in a relationship, just that it is normal to not need it, to be repulsed by it, triggered by it, feel neutral about it, etc.. At a certain point it sounds a lot like moral superiority, like some religious "not giving into a sin" bs. For a lot of people it's more than just getting off, it's intimacy with another human being and it's not objectively "gross". We can talk about feeling disgusted or uncomfortable, but we shouldn't shame those who don't feel that way.

Don't judge people who aren't judging you.

Sincerely,
An asexual

Idk if this is weird to ask or just a stupid question.

I've been in a relationship for two years. My gf knows I'm bipolar (+ OCD), but I don't talk about it at all with her. I feel really guilty for having met her during a manic episode before we started dating. Since then Ive really only struggled with depression, I feel guilty when it gets really bad or suicidal (haven't been for a while now). I don't think she can tell when I'm depressed, so it's not hurting her in anyway or affecting the relationship, I just feel really bad. I'm an overly honest person out of compulsion, but I have a hard time reaching out and starting a conversation when I start feeling off. I also feel like it's wrong to involve her because she has her own life and her own struggles.
I've spent the last couple years really trying to work on myself, but it still feels selfish to be dating right now. Is it wrong to be in a serious relationship when I'm still working on my health?

Hi! I haven't seen a post like this yet, so I wanted to share my experience while trying to stay as general and non specific as possible! This is really long so there's subtitles

Background: I was diagnosed with bpd when I was really young. I spent a lot of my childhood in therapy and mental health programs. I don't want to over explain symptoms because we all know what the disorder is like, but generally I was just a very unhappy child. I didn't have a single healthy relationship, I hated having friends, I was on a lot of medication, etc. etc.. I had a difficult home life, absent/ill parents. I felt very crazy and very alone.

Progress: The isolation caused by Covid was my chance to focus on myself. I didn't feel pressured to be social and I had all the time in the world to build healthy habits. I started working out and eating well, I lost the weight I gained on medication, I was reading and painting more, and I started working on identifying my emotions / journaling my thoughts. I wanted to feel worthy of love and success. Progress starts with finding self worth.
Post Covid, I was more confident. My goal was to make friends and I pushed myself to put myself out there. Maintaining friendship was possible with a lot of therapy (including DBT therapy. I swear, if you let it work it works) and COMMUNICATION.

Success Story: Years later and I am no longer diagnosed with BPD. I have friends I truly care about, a best friend and a "found family" I can lean on, and the most beautiful girlfriend in the world. It does get better! Relationships are possible! Stability is possible!

Platonic Relationship Advice (you probably have heard before): Identify when you're feeling hurt and tell them politely. Make boundaries when you need to. Help yourself while helping others (open communication). If you want distance or a break you need to tell them that, don't just ghost. If you think they're pulling away you should ask them, it might have nothing to do with you and reaching out can really help them if they're in a difficult place. This sounds harsh, but not everything is about you. People have lives outside of you and sometimes if may feel like their actions are a direct attack but they probably are not. I know it's easier said than done, but practice makes perfect!

Romantic Specific: I have an avoidant attachment style. When I am depressed, overwhelmed, anxious, or sometimes manic I pull away from my relationships. I never thought I was going to be able to have a girlfriend, I pretty much accepted I was never going to be in love or in a long term relationship. But then I met the most amazing woman with a similar mental health history and together we worked on open communication. I read a lot of posts from this sub and a lot of answers to your questions is simply COMMUNICATION!!! Someone who loves you cares about your worries and concerns! If you're requiring constant reassurance you need to work on yourself, but general or occasional anxiety is worth a conversation. CHECK IN WITH EACH OTHER!!! People can't read minds! If one of us has an issue with something the other did, or just the relationship as a whole, we have a serious conversation either over the phone or in person. Relationships are a team effort! You both should be putting effort in and should feel satisfied, if not, HAVE A CONVERSATION.

I still struggle with depression and anxiety, I still have bad days, but when you see your worth and put in the effort things get so much better. I'm so grateful for my journey and I believe in you all 💗💗

Context: I've been with my gf since she asked me out our junior year of hs and we just graduated (together for 18 months) I seriously love her so much. I've always had sort of an avoidant attachment style, but I guess in this situation she's the avoidant. We used to do a lot together (lunch, parties, dates), but after a few months that stopped (she started pulling away when my friends started being dicks to her, I didn't know about this until recently).She's really busy so wtv it's fine I get it. I haven't been as busy as I used to be these last two years because I've been kind of depressed. We waited a year to have sex because we've both had some traumatic experiences, but when we did we never talked about anything before which kind of bothered me, but I was never going to push her to talk about anything. After a couple months of fucking, i had a really bad experience with her: I guess I got triggered when she was topping me and she said something that made it even worse and I basically kicked her out (drove her home during a snowstorm). Since then I've been overcompensating for my anxiety bc I know she wants to have sex and 80% of the time we hang out (once every few weeks) she's comes over, we fuck, then she leaves-- She doesn't really initiate plans and she only seems to commit 100% when i invite her over presumably to have sex. She doesn't stay late bc her parents are strict, but I guess they're fine with her partying until 2 or staying over at a friends house. (her mom has met me, her parents don't know we're dating).
Added info: She's has sex with girls, I've only been with guys, so she sort of over estimates how good she is in bed and i've tried talking to her about it but nothing changes. Even if i'm into it at first it's kinda just meh and I regret it after, to a degree. All this to say I don't really get anything out of it. I'm worried that by me initiating she could be thinking I'm using her for sex (something she experienced in the past) and not because I just want to make her happy. She seems really into the idea every time i bring it up or invite her over. I have OCD so i get kind of worried about it sometimes. And I don't want to be unknowingly taking advantage of her.

The situation: The last time she came over she said she was able to stay really late so I was actually looking forward to it bc we don't really have a lot of time to just chill together after sex/before she leaves. We fucked, I initiated, then she told me right after she had to go in a few (before touching me at all but whatever). I basically ignored her until she left, then texted her about it and we talked a bit over text. I told her that we need to have a conversation about it because this is making me really anxious. She said she had a lot of free time because we had just graduated, but it's been two weeks and every time I ask if she wants to come over and talk she says she can't. I told her she could call me and we can talk if she's not allowed to leave her house, but she tells me this is an irl conversation.

I'm not used to being the "needy" one in the relationship so I don't know if I'm asking too much of her or not

even MORE info: We talked about staying together during college bc we'll only be 90 minutes from each other but i'm not convinced it won't be the same, even though she says she'll have more time and freedom. But we're not obsessed with staying together. I think we've been realistic about our future together given we are in hs.