r/bipolar

I dont have any medication im in the process of trying to get diagnosed and help. My appointment isnt till next week and for the past 4 days I have slept like 3-4 hours I cant stop fidgeting my body keeps moving. Focusing in college is hard bc I will just start looking around the class interested in everything.

Im scared I dont wanna call my mom bc she has always dealt with me having issues. I wanted to be someone who helps people not someone who is constantly taking from people.

For context, I had my first manic and psychotic episode two years ago. That first year was a blur. I was mostly recovering from the shame of mania. Also I think people (at work) were more understanding and accommodating that year. The second year, I battled the worst depression every day. I was running on one meal per day, sometimes in two days. I picked up smoking, and smoked heavily. I was and I still am living in a very messy, unclean apartment.

And two months ago I lost my dream job. I had performance issues and I got the worst performance review.

My manager and colleagues knew about my illness, but I tried so hard every day to look okay.

And I think people fall for that. I had recurring hospitalisations and an attempt. But still I worried that people at work thought I was abusing “my sick card”. It was clear that no one at work believed me or understood. And I struggled because I felt like a failure. I took what they might think of me to heart.

And now, post my attempt, having had ideations every day for a year, I can see all I did this year was keep myself alive. And that was no easy task.

That was a lot of work. That was hard work.

I don’t know what I am going to do next, but it’s okay.

I’m glad I survived. Everything else is fixable. I’m here for my family, my loved ones and myself.

And that is a big feat.

Hang on 🫂

I wouldn’t want to generalize, but I heard that people with certain mental health disorders shuffle through different self destructive behaviors to cope during different periods or at different points in their lives.

I, for example, is currently back on drugs but over 4 months self harm free. I went from starving for months on end to binging every day.

So my question is, what vices are you currently on? This is just out of sheer curiosity and wanting to see if I’m alone in this experience or others experience it too.

I get hypersexuality as a part of this disorder and I missed a med dose and feeling some sexual stuff maybe from that idk, But right now im experiencing something very odd I have tons of sexual energy but literally zero interest in any sexual activity I dont want at all. Usually when im not hypersexual im borderline asexual and then when I get hs I become an animal. Right I feel like im stuck in the middle I have tons of sexual energy but no desire to engage in any sexual activity the only thing to drive me to do that would be to try and get rid of the energy so I wouldnt even be pursing it for pleasure. Does this happen to people?

I have several family members with bipolar disorder, as it is a highly heritable condition. I wanted to share what it looks like across the different people I know who don’t take their meds:

My two cousins have BD1. Neither takes meds and both experience psychosis. One was also recently diagnosed with schizophrenia. Both are very unwell in life.

My two aunts have BD2. Both unmedicated. One is in a chronic state of depression and has SI, smokes a lot of weed as a coping mechanism/escape. The other is in EMDR therapy, lives an extremely calm life, is happily married, and has been doing well with minimal episodes for the past decade. Her symptoms show most during breakups or major life hardships, which she has fortunately avoided for a while. When they hit, her depressive episodes last for months. she barely eats or leaves her room. They’re usually followed by hypomanic episodes where she sleeps poorly for days/weeks.

My bf’s nephew has BD1 and schizophrenia. Unmedicated. He experiences severe, destructive episodes. Recently, his episodes have decreased primarily because he has become a recluse who never leaves his parents house, avoiding external triggers.

My daughter’s aunt has BD1. Unmedicated. People think she is on drugs because she stays in a nearly constant hypomanic or manic state. She can’t keep a job, makes big life changes all the time, irritable, sleeps very little, but she’s the life of the party.

I have BD1 (originally diagnosed BD2 until I had two severe manic episodes without psychosis). I spent a recent year off medication, w mild hypomanic episodes that were not life altering (unlike my previous episodes). I stayed in an underlying depressive state that dulled my ability to enjoy things 100%. But was hardly noticeable.
After taking a few mental illness educational classes I learned that episodes eat away gray matter in the brain and harm brain structure + function. So I restarted my meds. I feel good and treating the depression has helped my overall quality of life

During a manic episode, I spent almost $5,000 on a hamster and basically everything that came with it: cage, accessories, food, bedding, toys, etc. I was completely obsessed with the idea at the time and kept buying more and more stuff.

Now that I'm out of the episode, I'm looking at all of it and just thinking, what the fuck was I doing? I don't want any of it anymore. The excitement is completely gone.

Obviously, the hamster is a living animal and I can't just treat it like some random purchase I regret. But now I genuinely don't know what I'm supposed to do with the hamster and all the stuff I bought.

Should I try to rehome the hamster and sell or donate the supplies? I feel horrible about the whole thing, especially knowing how much money I spent.

Does anyone else look back at before your BP reared its ugly head and miss that person? She had mental health issues too and wasn’t perfect but I feel like it was better than this surely

Been in a pretty horrible depressive episode. Sort of attempted. Chose today as my suicide date and idk if I can stop myself anymore so I think I’m going to go to the ER but I’m rly scared. No one I rly trust is in town so I think I’m going to go alone. What should I expect? Is it even worth going? What will they do?

I really don't think I have much fight left in me. When I'm manic everything feels like it's going to be ok, but when I'm depressed I just want everything to end. I have cyclothymia so I cycle through highs and lows quicker but the highs only last like 3 days then I'm back to constantly having the want to end my life. I'm so tired of fighting my own mind every day not to hurt myself. My entire shift at work consists of me crying multiple times because of how much I hate myself and want life to go back to the way it was a couple years ago. There's not a moment where I don't feel miserable.

My psychiatrist put me on an antipsychotic and doesn't want to put me on anything else, but the antipsychotic obviously isn't working at all. I used to be on one that was great, but my doctor gave me 2 SSRIs and I'm apparently sensitive to serotonin because it sent me into serotinin syndrome, and as a result I stopped taking all of my medication and when I picked up psychiatry again my psychologist wanted to try this one because it's "one of the best". I don't feel any better on this medication, if anything I feel worse. My therapist keeps telling me that I think I'm doing worse than I am but I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. What can I do to tell them that I really need help right now?

Judge free zone here! I was recently diagnosed w biopolar II and had my first manic episode with psychosis a few months ago. Instead of being ashamed I thought I'd share in case anyone else can relate or finds humor in them (ik I do when I'm not cringing). Here's some of what transpired:

- called a hs classmate and told them we had a psychic connection
- dmed said classmate that the psychic connection told me their kinks (💀)
- told my family I was trans and went by the opposite pronouns (I am not)
- rubbed dirt all over my naked body "because the angels told me to"
- almost took a flight to another state (my family stopped me) because the voices told me my friend was in rehab and dying (they were in the same state and totally fine)
- had the cops called on me because I was ringing the doorbell of a random house over and over again and wouldn't leave

Lost some friends and feel like the person I was before my episode is a completely different person to who I am now but hey at least I can laugh at myself!

this is what i tell myself when i look in the mirror ignoring the reflection of my dirty room and messy hair and tearful eyes and clothes i haven't changed in 3 days. i don't see the baddie i used to know when i look in the mirror. i only see an empty shell of her. but if i keep saying it maybe she'll come back and maybe we will be okay

I left social media while I was on a mixed episode deleted all my accounts now I’m stable and medicated and don’t want to go back since my psychosis got worse with it… who else left social media and never ever came back since then.

I’ve called/texted 988 dozens of times and it feels like they just put random n trained ppl on the other end. I told someone at 988 that I’ve been having constant thoughts abt suicide and have a date and plan and they told me to try taking a 5 minute nap??? I guess I understand the deescalation techniques for someone with acute suicidality but for ppl w/ bipolar + other illnesses that make suicidality pretty common it’s kind of useless. Not even sure what to do anymore

Curious to know the age range of folks in this group and how old people are. Just pure curiosity, no assumptions or judgement! And also I get the sense there's a pretty wide range, which makes me happy, because I like that we're all supporting each other and learning from each other. (I'm 43)

This past year has been the worst year of my life. I always had anxiety, depression, and a bit of paranoia. But early this year I went into full blown mania. Hearing voices, and was totally debilitated by it. I ended up having family members commit me to multiple psych wards and a rehab clinic. I was diagnosed BP1. The horrors I went through inside were unspeakable. I am struggling with family and friends truly grasping the psychosis I went through. It has shattered the person I was before. Vibrant, intelligent, witty, fun, sweet. I’ve lost my job, some friends, and am alienated from much of my family. I wake up every morning terrified by the ptsd of being in the psych ward.

There’s days I never get out of bed. I can’t breath. Or I simply go out to be with friends and drink to forget. I went from someone who did improv, stage managing, house managing, a full time job. Merchandising and managing major projects to unemployed and unsure if I can even hold a job anymore. At times my meds seem to make things worse. I don’t love the things I used to love: video games, tv shows, pro wrestling, etc. I just feel hollow.

I’ve gotten a lot of support, but also a lot of criticism. It feels like my life is suddenly in shambles when one year ago I was up for a promotion. I know I’m ranting, but this is not how my life was supposed to go. I’ve regularly thought about suicide, but I am at least lucky to have a ton of people who care about me. I just wish this past year never happened. Every single day. I miss me.

Before my manic episode, I felt like I was a genuinely good person. I had good friends, a good reputation, career goals, and a life I was proud of.

Then mania happened, and in about 3 months I destroyed so much of it. I hurt people, lost friendships, embarrassed myself, and became someone I barely recognize.

Now I feel incredibly depressed and keep asking myself: Why did this happen to me? Why did I have to lose so much when I was trying to live a good life?

I know bipolar doesn't happen because someone is good or bad. But how do you emotionally accept that your illness made you do things that went against who you believed you were? Does it has to happen to only good people?

I started taking meds and I am kinda scared that maybe in the long term they will bring some bad side effect to the body organs.

Could I get some words from you all? I’d like to hear from your perspective about this topic