r/bipolar

I'm hearing so many things. Seeing colors, flashing lights, people, animals, body parts, blood. I see a sliding glass door and my brain puts a person in the opening with their fingers on either side of them, like they're crawling through the door. The figures I see are unnatural and inhuman. It's kind of like I'm living in an analogue horror story, where the alternates have some deformity that gives you this feeling like, "this is not a human being."

I can't tell the people around me because they will write it off as me needing a medication adjustment. They'll shrug and say, "See a psychiatrist." I don't have one. It's hard to get one for some reason.

I'm having tactile hallucinations of sexual assault. The sensations of the trauma. It's wearing my psyche thin. I feel disgusting most of the time, like I'm a piece of meat that has been rotting out in the sun.

I feel like if I tell my girlfriend all of these thoughts, she'll leave me because this is too much to deal with. My shit goes deep and is very intricate. Explaining everything makes me sound like I'm going mad. I want her to understand so we can work through this together instead of me hiding this whole world I have going for myself and eventually ending in a big bang.

I'm having issues with sleep, too. I have a really hard time trying to go to sleep. It's like putting a vessel to sleep and making it rest when it wants to go do something active. I'm not my body; I'm an entity controlling it and telling it what to do.

I really need to get the hallucinations under control, but I don't know if any psychiatrist will take me in if I don't have insurance. I have to sign up for Medicaid.

If you read this far, you're a real one for listening to my rambles. It makes me feel heard.

What are some of your most mild delusions vs your most extreme delusions. I'm trying to get a handle on what delusions can look like in their most "innocent" form. Usually everyone is aware when the big ones happen to me, but what are some small every day ones that disrupt your thought processes?

So this might be kind of a rambly post but it can't be helped unfortunately. Anyway so myself am an artist, I write my own music and have a book I've been working on for the last little while now.

And last night I went out to karaoke and had a blast. And I think I maybe got home at around 4 am so not that bad all things considered. But anyway though I know I should be trying to sleep but I don't feel very tired to be honest. And I'm also feeling very inspired right now too, and at least for me inspiration can be kinda hard to come by. So even though I know I should be sleeping I don't really want to cause I kinda want to chase the little white rabbit down the rabbit hole if you catch my drift. Consequences be damned. So I guess my question is how do you all balance the need for sleep with the need to get your ideas down onto paper?

Hi everyone! I’m a 23-year-old woman, 5 weeks pregnant. I found out about the pregnancy a week ago, and although I’m very happy, the early stages are tough: I’ve had to give up smoking, my psychiatric medication, and most of my comfort foods. I’m already suffering from severe nausea and am incredibly sensitive. I cry constantly and am terrified of losing the baby. If you could share your own pregnancy experiences, I admit it would bring me some comfort. I feel like I’m being weird…

I have very traumatic background. I spend a lot of time thinking about my trauma. Shit I’m at work now and all I thought about this morning is repetitive thoughts about traumatic memories.

I start EDMR on Tuesday. Does it actually work for you or is it a waste of time? I really want freedom from my thoughts. It’s so EXHAUSTING thinking about this all day.

Do you see mania as a discrete state, or as something that exists on a spectrum? I'm asking because I've noticed a couple of people describing behavior or people as "a bit manic," or something like that, but when I talk to medical professionals, they usually refer to manic episodes like it's a binary where either you are having a manic episode or you are not.

I think my baseline more closely resembles mania than depression. I call it running hot. When I get depressed, I say I went cold.

Surely, depression exists on a spectrum, right?

What is the internal language you use to think about these things?

When I was first diagnosed, I think I even wrote out a list of red flags that indicated I might be having a manic episode like I was turning into a werwolf or entering the Twilight Zone or something, but a couple of years in, it all seems blurrier than that to me.

I don’t want to make bipolar my scapegoat when life throws shit at me. But since i lost my job i got my depression kicking in i swear i saw it 3 days before it goes into action. If i were to describe what i am mentally going through visually.
It’s like building a card tower (taking months) stabilizing it for the longest time and the longer it stays stable the better the progress. And boof with slight wind of unexpected life events it falls down.

In these depression phases i used to patch myself with drugs but i can’t afford to go down this road and even if i afford it would ruin me inside out in all aspects of my life.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and it was good and productive overall (I answered every question to the best of my ability) and I’m going to start taking meds again soon!

That being said I didn’t get to mention any sort of delusions or hallucinations or anything. He just kind of didn’t ask? I think since he I have been functional it makes sense, but they are still a thing that happened?? He did say I was hypomanic though, which I agree with. He did also agree that I have been more productive though, so I am admittedly having a hard time seeing why I should start my meds now and not just wait LOL

If he’s not asking is it just like not relevant given how functional I am? Like I’m more functional than normal right now, and when I was having those thoughts and hearing things on occasion I wasn’t below my baseline of functioning. I already have a diagnosis of BP1 based on stuff I’ve told her in the past, so is it even relevant ATP??

Idk, has anyone had a similar experience? Thank you! :)

I tried meds last year and the experience was horrible. I’m currently off meds and this year has been god awful. I’ve recently gone sober but the depression this time around is fucking destroying me. I think I need to take meds again but I’m terrified. Are meds really the only way I can get this under control? I’m so scared right now

Hi all, 38F living with Bipolar 2. I‘ve been having the hardest time finding a medication that works for me. For context , I have dysautonomia. Orthostatic hypotension. So many of the antipsychotics make it worst. Ive tried about 6 different types since March, most of which made my lightheaded and dizziness worst. My psychiatrist wanted to try an antidepressant after failed attempts on the antipsychotics and it sent me into mania. The last thing she prescribed caused heart palpations and apparently that medicine is known to cause heart problems. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if there is a medication out there that can help with my bipolar without triggering my dysautonomia. I don’t wanna give up though because Im scared of being unmedicated. I just don’t see how it’s possible to be unmedicated with bipolar without blowing up your life ☹️.

Hi, I don't really know where I'm going with this post but I guess I'm just looking for a bit of support.

I've been in this strange mixed episode since june and I can't seem to get out of it. I'm taking my meds, going to therapy and trying to go on with my life but I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind because I'm constantly stuck between euphoria and complete and utter rage and devastation. Some days are so good I feel so grateful, happy and simply over the moon but all of a sudden everything turns sour and I can't stand anything. I feel enraged by anything and nothing at once and even though I'm trying to keep busy and do the things I usually love, sometimes it feels absolutely pointless. Everything is so boring when it doesn’t feel amazing. At night I lay awake but my mind is empty. I feel restless but I don't want to do anything. And I feel so, so alone. I'm slowly crawling away and isolating myself but I crave human interaction until I have a chance to meet someone and then I don't show up because I can't be bothered. I'm constantly fantasising with the idea of death. That thought comes to my mind every day and it's sort of comforting.

I must admit that I haven't talked about this with my psychiatrist, in part because I'm stuck on this wishful thinking that it'll pass eventually on its own, but it's already September and I'm not getting any better. But I don't see how this could be solved with additional meds. I truly feel this is how I'm supposed to be right now, that I must endure in order to achieve the final state of being but, of course, this isn't something that could be easily understood by someone apart from me.

Anyways, thanks for reading. Just wanted to ask what you do to cope with this situation.

Just wanna share my journey so far. Might keep sharing here moving foward.

Context: Im starting my healing journey after 5 years of negligence. I was diagnosed with BD type 2 around 7 years ago. Was medicated on the first 2 years since diagnosis, quit meds cold turkey ever since. Last time doing therapy was 3 years ago.

Today is my 2nd session at this centre and 1st session of CBT. While I'm still not on medication atp (will see a psychiatrist on 27th, public healthcare bruh), therapy definitely helps me processing my thoughts and monitoring my symptoms. Currently Im in a mixed episode. Im seriously considering self admitting myself to the hospital but idk if its appropriate since Im still in control and safe with family members.

I think thats all for now

I don't want to confuse myself over and over again on the same cycle. My unofficial fiance/bf broke up with me on the day I attempted suicide. I treated him badly name calling him over and over again everytimewe play competitive games. It's going on for a while and he decided not to come with me when I was barely clinging to life. He loves me as much but I didn't treat him that well anymore. When we're both at our lowest, he doesn't want me anymore. So, I need help. I need someone who knows more about this stuffs that I'm going through. I know I have to deal with this alone. But any words would do.

I’ve been deregulated from meds the past two weeks but am trying to get back consistently. I have had an incredibly short fuse and have been super pissy and honestly I don’t like it especially with my partner. How do I help it? What are strategies you use when you have a short fuse?

I have been fully stable on great meds for almost 6 years, but my cognitive abilities, especially memory, did not recover fully after 2 HUGE, lengthy manic episodes followed by horrible depressions in the span of 3 years.

While I can support myself by writing things down for general needs, it is so bad in social contexts. I am perpetually embarrassed by not remembering neither faces or names. I am constantly introducing myself to people I have already met and I have no idea what's the name of someone I have casually known for years. If I meet someone right now, I will try to repeat their name in my head for a couple of minutes, then still forget it later on. If I meet more people at once, it's game over. I also find it difficult to remember what I've said to whom, which is extra annoying.

Finally, it can happen when I am trying to learn something as well. I love reading but sometimes I finish a book I have enjoyed and I have no idea what I read if you ask me a month later.

I wasn't like this. I did have a bit of an issue remembering what I didn't find interesting, but it was small things and easy to overcome. I finished university and advanced professional educations without any issue.

Now, I am so afraid that this will only get worse. I am merely 34 (with no dementia history in my family). How will my brain work at 60? Can I do anything to improve my memory? I am scared and sad. I am nothing without my cognition. I have so much left to learn and experience 😟

I think I’m a bad person because whenever I do something wrong or hurt someone or lie about something I have a hard time feeling bad about it. I don’t understand why I don’t feel bad because I know I should and I feel ashamed to say this. I just think I’m a bad person even though I don’t do this intentionally.