u/sunglasses____

For context, I had my first manic and psychotic episode two years ago. That first year was a blur. I was mostly recovering from the shame of mania. Also I think people (at work) were more understanding and accommodating that year. The second year, I battled the worst depression every day. I was running on one meal per day, sometimes in two days. I picked up smoking, and smoked heavily. I was and I still am living in a very messy, unclean apartment.

And two months ago I lost my dream job. I had performance issues and I got the worst performance review.

My manager and colleagues knew about my illness, but I tried so hard every day to look okay.

And I think people fall for that. I had recurring hospitalisations and an attempt. But still I worried that people at work thought I was abusing “my sick card”. It was clear that no one at work believed me or understood. And I struggled because I felt like a failure. I took what they might think of me to heart.

And now, post my attempt, having had ideations every day for a year, I can see all I did this year was keep myself alive. And that was no easy task.

That was a lot of work. That was hard work.

I don’t know what I am going to do next, but it’s okay.

I’m glad I survived. Everything else is fixable. I’m here for my family, my loved ones and myself.

And that is a big feat.

Hang on 🫂

Exactly two years ago, I had my first manic episode. I had no idea what mania was and I was mass-posting and mass-texting and all that jazz. A gentleman I have known for two years prior comes to my apartment, rescues me and calls the ambulance. Over my hospitalisation, he takes over, becomes my emergency contact and takes meticulous care of me. Things progressed really quickly and romance started in the dynamic. All while I was in the hospital. Me being manic, as you can guess, this becomes my most intoxicating romantic encounter. He says I love you and starts calling me baby.

Fast forward to about a month, I get discharged from the hospital and he slowly fizzles out my life with no explanation. It reaaaally hurt.

A few months go by and I have a really bad depression and my friends start getting concerned. So as the person who took care of me in the past, they call him. In response he gives them the coldest possible response that goes something like “so? She should just call the ambulance” or something like that. They don’t tell me this until much later.

Later on I confided in him about my SI. I said it would hurt my family if I weren’t anymore and I am scared of that. He says something along the lines of not necessarily, it might be better than them seeing you hurting.

I can’t piece together these two different people in one person. One is the gentlest most caring amazing man who is loved by everyone and the other a literal monster who didn’t care if I lived or died.

Also, there was literally two years prior to pursue anything romantic between us. We have went on a date a year before my first mania and we didn’t pursue it further. For him to take things from 0 to a 100 in the very 3 weeks I was in my most vulnerable state, mania and psychosis, feels weird and selfish. The least he could have done is at least wait until I was discharged before starting to say I love you and shit.

That’s it. I cried about him for the last time after two years and just wanted to vent.

I’ve known depression my whole life. Right now my life, particularly my living space is in the worst state possible. And I have had really low lows before. I have a lot of trauma and also considering EMDR. How do you rebuild from your lowest of lows?

I came back from a long hospitalisation recently. There isn’t a single corner in my room that is clean. I have the most extreme depression and it’s all I have ever known. I had experienced traumatic events as a child and I never recovered and spent years in depression. I never learned how to take care of myself or my space. I am also losing my job because of how bad my performance has been last year.

I simply did not have energy to do more than exist last year.

Idk if that is even possible or if it makes sense.

Look at my house. I just want to disappear. This is humiliating.

I have had mania before but I mostly have really bad depressive episodes.

My house is what’s concerning me now. If you have overcome severe depression, please share a word or two.

Also how do you cope with feeling like shit when you look at your space or audit your life?

No one prepared us for bipolar. And if you, like me, haven’t found stability and have frequent admissions, it takes a toll on you. On your reputation. On your plans and goals.

Please someone on the other side tell me it’s okay. Has anyone dealt with so many hospitalisations in a short time?

I think it’s my 4th time in two years. I practically live half my life in the hospital at this point. Please tell me it gets better.

I’m 27 years old. I have always been sad about the abuse. Just now realising that severe neglect is a part of the story too. I’m a twin who got the worst bits of an extremely dysfunctional family. The scapegoat. They never loved me. Never will. Been through a series of sexual abuse as a child. Continued as an adult. I am an adult and when I audit my life, even when I don’t want to believe it, my mother actually hated me. I live with chronic shame and severe mental illness (BD). I don’t think I have ever been loved and it’s all I have ever wanted. I’m sad, angry, numb.

It’s heavy.

The abuse hurts but it’s the neglect that broke me. As a child, I deserved better. As an adult, I don’t know where to go from here.

I’m 27 years old. I have always been sad about the abuse. Just now realising that severe neglect is a part of the story too. I’m a twin who got the worst bits of an extremely dysfunctional family. The scapegoat. They never loved me. Never will. Been through a series of sexual abuse as a child. Continued as an adult. I am an adult and when I audit my life, even when I don’t want to believe it, my mother actually hated me. I live with chronic shame and severe mental illness (BD). I don’t think I have ever been loved and it’s all I have ever wanted. I’m sad, angry, numb.

It’s heavy.

The abuse hurts but it’s the neglect that broke me. As a child, I deserved better. As an adult, I don’t know where to go from here.

I wish I had the energy to write everything I am experiencing. Had a manic episode a month ago that put me in the hospital and I am still there. My depression is so bad that I have slept for the whole week only waking up for meditations by the nurses. I’m on a mood-stabilizer and antipsychotic but on no antidepressants. My doctor refuses to put me on one. It feels like neglect and punishment. My doctor responds well to mania but with depression it is like deal with it. I’m so tired.