r/raisedbynarcissists

It was horrible. We had a huge fight in February this year and didn’t speak for 9 months. She asked to go to therapy (I had to arrange it).

Anyway- we go to therapy and I wanted to share a few things she said TO A THERAPIST to remind myself I’m not crazy:
I was jealous of my sister ever since I was born because I “just wanted attention”. An example she used was when my sister went to kindergarten for the first time and I had a tantrum because I wanted to go too. I was three.

She and my dad would “wake up in the morning on special days, like Mother’s Day or my birthday, and say what is she (me) going to do to ruin the day today” (I kid you not- her only example of special days were about her… )

“i was trying to punch you in the face. Your lucky your father held me back”

“if you ever speak to me like that again i will punch you in the face, and your dad will too”. I told her I have trauma from my childhood.

to wrap the session she said… “you were a vile child”

The session was 1.5hrs so obviously there is a lot more but a few of my favorite instances of her being just a horrible person.

It was hard. But it was some what validating. The mask definitely slipped a bit. And the therapist was helpful in at least TRYING to get her to see what she was saying was horrible. She did not like being told by the therapist that I should call the police if she punches me.

She REALLLY didn’t like being told that child protection should have been involved when I was a child being physically abused. She doesn’t dispute that she and my dad physically abused me but excuses it by saying they “lost their temper”.

I don’t know what response I even want here… just venting I guess.

So back in the 7th grade, my mother refused to sign the permission slip for the vaccine, and when I asked why, she said, "You're not a fucking F-Slur!" She had this belief that only gay people can get HPV, and every time my pediatrician advises that I get the vaccine, she refuses

I have plenty and it's kinda hard to just pick one but for now I'm going to choose... COWARD. what about y'all?

and i mean total no-contact. as in they dont know where you are or even know your phone number. and you wont see them ever again.

does the heartache ever go away

So, it's a long story but I'll try to make it as concise as possible.

I (25F) live with my husband (28M) and little sister (18F). She's been living with me since she was 15. Besides the very minimal financial support, our parents are not present in raising, disciplining or caring for her (nor have they been there for me).

For the background, our whole lives, they've been enveloped in their own drama, and I'm not exagerating when I say DRAMA. They fill out divorce papers once or twice a year, constantly call with their own relationship problems, I've hosted my drunk and depressed from relationship problems father couple of times. Everytime it happens, I feel like I'm trying to solve everyone's mental problems.

This time my mother (46F) made a scene at my own home, which is already not OK with me. After that, my father (52M) got drunk and I had to sober him up for two days, not to mention life goes on, so I had to go to work and university. We made up for maybe 2 days, before another bomb was dropped - my mom had a dream, that my sister "killed and discarded her children in the trash". Now that was a big hit, I have to admit I went a bit ballistic. My sister, as I said, is 18yo, doesn't have children, just got accepted into a big university in our area for a very competitive field. This did provoke me to file for child support, and basically to revoke their parental rights (tbh I had the parental rights for half a year until she turned 18).

So now my parents are saying I'm splitting the family apart, I'm acting like a b*tch and turning everyone against them. And to add some spice into the pot, I got a call today that my father "collapsed". I panicked, called everyone around them and apparently it was fake.

Please, good people of reddit, advice me what to do and what to think. Have any of you been involved in any legal battles?

you could argue that it's a good thing. but to me it's the absolute worst outcome. I wish i was dead because at least I wouldn't have to keep suffering the consequences of their abuse into my adulthood. they hurt me in every way you can imagine. physically and mentally. the physical abuse was the worst part of it. I won't get into details because it's disturbing

how could someone do this to their child? how could you beat your kid so bad until they can barely breathe? why aren't they getting punished for this? why can't I take revenge? how is that fair? why are they allowed to destroy me while I should just forgive and move on ? why do I have to keep living with all this trauma? even adults can't handle that much abuse, let alone a kid

After being an adult for some time now, I've started realizing that my parents were right. Life IS as miserable as they made it out to be, and I have no desire to keep trying. Except, they thought "preparing me" would make me tough to face the world, but it only made me realize just how much everyone and everything functions JUST like them. Narcissism is valued in this society. It's what gets you somewhere.

I fully believe my parents are a human conglomerate of anxiety & stress caused by this system. They thought they were preparing us for it, but they ended up showing me how flawed all of this is.

So why the fuck am I even here, trying at all? Putting myself through this unnecessary stress .. for what? I see everyone in this society as examples of what I will one day turn out to be, I want NO PART in it. I wish I could at least start over without knowing all this and be blissfully unaware so I can actually live like a human being.

I couldn't not share this here. My grandpa is 93 years old. He is on death's door. He is my narcissistic mom's dad, who's his current caretaker. Yes, it runs in the family. She's awful and miserable, and he's somehow triple that awfulness.

For some context: I'm a uni student and i still live with my parents, my mom is staying with him 24/7 since he threw a tantrum a few months ago and kicked his wife out. Unfortunately i had some health complications which resulted in a heavy treatement that is taking a physical toll on me, luckily my dad is fully supportive and has been an incredible help for me, consistently driving me to and from places like the hospital, uni and the gym.

My grandpa hates that. He hates that my dad isn't his errand boy who drives him around and drops everything to serve him. Obviously, my grandpa being the "amazing" person he is, he treats him like shit and even sics my mom on him and even almost caused them to divorce at some point. Luckily for me, my dad refused to leave me alone with this hellish family.

So today, after seeing my dad drop me off at home, he immediately calls my mom and tells her he's suffering an insane back pain. I know it's bullshit because my mom told me he "waited til the last possible moment to tell her," just a classic attention seeking stunt. He calls my dad to drop him off at the clinic she works at, but my dad maintains his strict boundary. So then my grandpa made my mom make ME, her sick child who can barely walk, get him a taxi.

Mind you, my grandpa knows. He knows I'm sick. He knows about the physical toll. Anyway, i say yes, to not make my dad look like a liar, but also because I was planning something. Since he wants to force himself on people he knows can't stand him, I'll show him.

First of all, on the street, i walk in front of him. He seems perfectly fine, he's walking on his cane, not so much for back pain, huh? I tell him I'm just trying to find a taxi as fast as possible. I leave him in the dust, and I refuse to let him lean on me for support. It's true that i was running around like a madman, but it felt more like a performance. And every time a taxi went by and didn't stop, I felt even more satisfied.

I felt a kick watching him realize he's completely dependent on someone who doesn't like him, who can't stand him. I felt so satisfied watching the color drain from his face, knowing the result of him forcing himself on anyone but his dumb easily manipulated daughter results in suffering and humiliation. At some point, i even let a taxi get away just to feel more satisfaction.

In the end, i managed to stop a good samaritan by pulling the concerned grandchild act, i looked sad and distraught, and i guess even my grandpa believed it too. It made it much more satisfying when he looked at me with eyes full of hope and asked, "Are you coming with me?" And i simply replied, "Nah, i have to go." The way his face dropped, and he shrugged me off coldly. How does it feel having your own tactics thrown in your face?

I know what it sounds like, but this man has abused almost every person he came into contact with. I don't regret anything i did, and i hope this was as satisfying for you guys to read as it was for me to live through.

My entire family blamed most of my problems on mental illness but ignored their own. I was just wondering if it happened to you guys too.

I'm 22. I've posted here before when I was a teen and homeless because my mom kicked me out for being trans. My mother used to beat me bloody. This woman tortured me. I went without a bed, food, water, a bathroom, clothes, and so much more. I was sent to a troubled teens program. Then I was homeless because those things didn't fix me. I haven't spoken to or seen my mom in like 6 years. Im finishing my final year of college, and im applying to graduate school after working my ass off to get out of homelessness.

My mom was found at 11am today. A wellness check was done on her. Shes a drug addict and seller. Idk how homicide is involved as the detective couldnt tell me much. I need to go look at her body to claim it. My uncle who is also a POS and knew my mom abused me wants to give her a funeral. I also haven't spoken to him in 6 years if not longer. Im the next of kin as I'm her only kid. Im in shock. Im so mad. Ill never get justice. Even if she died in an extremely painful way. It will never make up for what she did to me for years. I dont want her to get a funeral. I dont think she deserves to get seen as a martyr (even though she prolly was killed doing a drug exchange or domestic with her bf). She doesn't deserve to have a casket, when i wasn't even allowed to not piss and shit on myself when I was 13 because I was chained to the floor. I also dont have the money to pay for it. Even if my uncle pays for it, I dont want her to get anything. But im scared of my uncle coming after me and hurting me. I just need advice or help. Idk what to do. I dont know if I can bring myself to see her body. The last time I saw her she literally let her boyfriend beat me with a pool ball, beat me when i was on the phone with the cops, kicked me out as she told me she was going to kill me. She has harassed me, opening credit cards in my name, committing social security fraud getting me kicked off my state insurance while I have just tried to get my life together because I dont want to be a druggie felon. Im sorry for my grammar im just streaming my thoughts. I dont know what to do. I dont want her to have a loving funeral (even though nobody loved her and my uncle was only around to buy suboxone off of her).

I got told I would be investigated. I live 2 hours away from her and have never been back at her place or near her. I was at my boyfriend's place as well all morning before I went to work. Then I found out at like 10pm she was dead. I work nightshift at a hospital but they let me drive home because I needed to speak to the detective. Idk if i need to like speak to a lawyer, or what I need to do. Im also scared if I decide to donate her body or something that my uncle may come after me legally. Idk what im asking but if anyone has anything or been in a similar situation id love to know. Also do I tell my college about this? Or professors?

My mom told 2 of my cousins who lost their kids (stillborn) that maybe they were being protected so they don’t end up having a daughter like ME. I cussed her off so bad I’m so angry. What’s wrong with this lady? Why would you say that to them and about me? If you didn’t want me u should’ve closed ur legs, took birth control or aborted me tf. I’m so sick of her I can’t wait to get away bro. I feel so nasty when I’m around her and I’m sad but mostly furious. I told her every time you speak on me your leg pain will increase and I feel bad whatever

I think one of the hardest parts is having people who grew up with emotionally secure and healthy parents understand narcissistic abuse.

I remember growing up, my mom would treat me like the golden child in public so that she could point and say what a great parent they are, but as soon as we stepped in that house, the mask would come off.

I remember when I was telling my best friend about some of the crazy experiences that I’ve had, he couldn’t believe it. It’s something that is so removed from healthy family relationships.

This was until one day we were driving in my car and my nmom calls. I put the phone on through the car and gesture to him to be quiet.

She immediately goes into cussing me out and berating me (for what I can even remember). I let her just go on and on verbally accosting me.

My friend was shocked. He said he had never been talked to like that by anyone, let alone his parents. He is such a great friend, who really helped me when I didn’t think I was going to make it.

My N mom is constantly telling me to just wait in regards to my teen daughter. She's always telling me how "well behaved" I was and how I just randomly fell off in high school, for no reason that she can understand. She seems like she's almost wishing for my daughter to struggle, just so she can "get back at me" for my struggles as a teenager.

She also point blank has asked if she failed as a mother? Which for one, is a bit like she's insulting me and of course she doesn't want to know the answer.

I don't bother mentioning her narcissism because there's no point. But I do point out to her that maybe moving two different schools in 3 years, with one move across the country, was tough as a teenager. Losing a very beloved pet in a tragic way, was tough. Getting sexually assaulted was tough. Oh and with no therapy or checking in on me even though I was clearly not doing well. Instead she screamed in my face, hit me, pushed me down, threw papers all over the house.

So yeah, it's understandable that I struggled in high school eventually. And yes my daughter is bound to make mistakes, have teen hormones and angst just like everyone. But to nearly wish HER to do poorly is just so low.

I (34F) work full time at a small business that just changed ownership and I'm managing my own department and a lot of the changes. It's been a disaster. I'm currently also doing 3 upper level college courses (trying to get certification to get a better paying job). My sister has 5 kids and lives 30 minutes from my nmom and works two jobs. Nmom lives over an hour from my work and over 2 hours from my home (I moved in the opposite direction -not on purpose but happy coincidence).

My nmom is in her mid 70s and was a bit part in a local play. It's all she's been talking about for months. Likely her stories are fabricated drama about other cast members, asking for makeup opinions and advice, and mentioning several times how good the play is going to be and where it is. She never asked anyone to go. I'll be honest and say I wasn't really paying attention (I'd have to even try to figure out what play it was - I have no interest in theater lol). I just don't waste listening energy on her anymore.

The play came and went and she sent notes about how it was a standing ovation and it went so well. I just said congrats and left it at that. Not really sure what to say.

She's complaining now that nobody in her family cared enough to go watch. She never went to any sports or reward ceremonies or school events for either me or my sister or any of my nieces and nephews. One time she wanted to hang out but I was going to my nephew's basketball tournament and I invited her and she groaned and did not go.

Anyway. I don't really feel bad I just feel irritated. If you wanted us to go, you should have asked. I don't know if I could have. I am damn burnt out but the double standard is making me mad.

As a small aside, I just found this group this week and it's been great to feel less alone. Thanks for reading.

You are missing the fucking point, if your kid feels like lying will protect them and help them feel safer than telling the truth, that is on YOU, not the kid, we survive based on how and what we are taught, it did not come natural to us, it came from nurture, wtf is so hard to understand about that??? Just fucking listen to the kid for once instead of pulling the blame card!!! There is nothing wrong with needing to improve so fucking listen to us for once!!!

my mom genuinely says “ i have the mind of a child” it’s so fucking weird and the way she texts me is so cringe she will genuinely text me like she’s a pre teen discovering slang but also trying hard to sound young except she’s not doing it to fit in with her kids she’s doing it because she genuinely believes she has the mind of a child 😭

I’m not sure if this is messed up or not. It’s not a particularly traumatic memory, it’s more that I was thinking that it is kind of weird. When I was a younger child, my mother would organise 1-2 weeks multi day hikes (because that was her hobby) and would do them with my dad and older siblings every holiday. I was too young to go so would be left to stay with a family friend. There were never holidays organised especially for what the kids liked, it was just all about what mum wanted. That always seemed normal to me but now I’m wondering if it maybe wasn‘t. Maybe healthy families don’t leave their 5 year old for two weeks to stay with a family friend.

did anyone else’s narcissistic parents do this?

I actually always enjoyed staying with the family friends, and never ever was homesick, even as a tiny child. When they got back, my mum would always say “Were you sad? Were you homesick?” And I would reply “No, I was fine” and she would say “Oh, you don’t have to pretend, I know you missed us so much.” That used to drive me crazy!

Hi.

A short story of my life is here https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/bwFbBdpkWF. I am in my mid 20s and still live with her.

So recently I made the decision to move out and I am having some doubts like: what if I don’t succeed? What if I go from this to something worse? What will I do without her support? I think that if I move out her relationship with me will become almost non existent bc I do not think she will want to keep contact with me.

I love her very much even though she she hurt me and it pains me to leave her and know that she will suffer (bc she will suffer if I move out even if she tells me sometimes she can’t stand me and that I hard to live with).

Socially I am mostly isolated, I can’t sat I have somebody I could ask for help but I am thinking of therapy after moving out. I can’t now because I don’t even have my own room and she wouldn’t be okay with it.

If anyone went through this or even if not and has some advice it would be very well appreciated.

Thanks for reading!

My parent has lived their life and made plenty of mistakes in the process, but I can’t do anything that would make them look bad. It’s so stressful. Anyone else experience this?

So to start, my mom (51) and I (f28) have not been in contact of any kind for almost a year now (coming up in November!) and I have a PPO against her. This is my first time posting, so bear with me. (Also trigger warning; drug use, neglect, homelessness, child endangerment, mental health, self harm)

My mom was a single mother, I only met my bio father once when I was five. On paper she seemed like a typical mom that 'just loves her only daughter more than the world itself', as many of my family would say. And I suppose maybe that is what she thought.

The real fun started when she got a pen pal boyfriend who just so happened to be an abusive alcoholic who she decided on a whim of loneliness to just let move on with her and her 6 year old daughter. I could go on about him but this post isn't about all that shit, it's just the first slab of wood in the coffin she made for our future relationship.

To put it short, after he was arrested for the 5th time 3 years later he was kicked out, stole my PlayStation 2, and my mom started to use crack. In that time I became her 'therapist'. I was young (about 8 or 9) and didn't understand what was happening, just that mom was sad and I was the only person who could be there for her. And she wanted me by her side to the point she would just let me miss weeks or even months of school at a time. (I still have no idea how she got away with that)

To everyone but my mom and my grandma I was pretty much completely shut down after what I went through with her boyfriend, so I didn't want to go to school anyway. I didn't realize that moment really cemented our relationship as me being more of an emotional support pet than a daughter or even a person. She would even take me with her during school hours to her drug dealers, because apparently it was safer than leaving a 9 year old alone at home.

Then she lost her job and went to rehab, and that was the first time I was away from her in my life for so long. And I felt happy, which of course made me feel guilty. That was the first time in elementary school I went to school for a whole month.

When she came back, it was on and off drugs for years (she never stopped smoking an obscene amount of cigarettes or weed) and she jumped from job to job so fast I couldn't keep track, always lying to me that she still had a job too.

She would even take me to the store, have us fill up a cart, then say her boss was going to meet her there to give her a check, then we would sit in the hot car for hours 'waiting for her boss' and go home with nothing and my faith in my mom dissolved. Yeah she tried that like 5 times up into my teens.

3 evictions, 3 high school attempts leading to dropping out to take care of my mom and keep her from getting arrested for stalking our neighbors and screaming in traffic, and absolutely no doctors visits so I don't 'tell them about her and get me taken away' later, I was 26, had almost no social life outside of work and 3 friends she hated me talking to who all lived out of state, and I am living with her in our last apartment.

We both worked nearby enough to walk to, we were both on the lease but she made enough at her job to pay the rent and I paid utilities, and not even one year later suddenly it's Halloween and I am getting suspicious. She is using my card, suddenly my Gundam models I haven't even started yet are missing, and I walk to her work when she is 'working' to give her lunch.

She hadn't been there in a month.

I call her (to no answer) and she comes back at 9 pm and says she has a new job (she doesn't) and not to worry about it. While she was gone I dig through our trash and find the overdue rent notice a

which I had already put 400 in before I found anything out, and an eviction court notice that we already missed the date on and I confronted her. She said her boyfriend (her drug dealer who she hasn't even talked to in 3 years) would help pay for it and I shouldn't worry.

Needless to say I don't believe a single word she says but I needed a plan. I put everything I can in a 4foot by 4 foot storage, put my very old cat with a coworker temporarily, and kept working and working with a social worker and eventually I ran away from her before we could get evicted, on the day before Christmas eve. The phone calls I got that night were some of the most horrible things she ever said to me.

I stayed the holidays with my elderly coworker who was watching my cat, and in that time it was my first time calling a suicide hotline. Not that it was the first time I had those feelings and thoughts, it was more the first time I felt safe to talk to someone. On new years eve I got into a small homeless shelter, they helped me get my information together since my mom stole my birth certificate and social security card, and 4 months later I paid off the almost 5000 dollars of back rent and fees, established credit for the first time, learned to do my own laundry and paperwork, went to the therapist for the first time in my life, went to the doctor for the first time in over a decade and got my first apartment, all while working full time.

Then, my mom finds me at the bus station. And I feel pity. She follows me back, visits the cat, and then makes up an excuse that the shelter is closed so she should stay the night. I regrettably let her, but insist this is MY home and she was not allowed to stay there. Over the weeks and months she doesn't stay the night but she slowly moves some things in, insisting she just didn't have anywhere to put it because she was homeless, and doing things without asking like doing my dishes or laundry.

She starts insisting that I need her, that I can't survive without her, and I am crying thinking maybe I do, maybe I couldn't. Then one day she snaps, asking why I am posting a vlog about her online (context, I was playing the Sims on my computer and my mom is insane and doesn't understand how technology works), and I ask her to leave for the last time. The last words I say as she rushes out insisting she'd be back and make me pay for punishing her.

She, as far as I know, never came back, but I was paranoid about her being there in my driveway every time I came home. I didn't block her, I'm not entirely sure why, I just let her keep calling me. And she did. 217 voicemails, calling me a whore, that I wasn't really homeless, that it was my fault for not helping her get a new job or let her stay with me, just endless screaming. Until I blocked her.

Then, she started calling my work. And threatening them. Saying that my managers were evil and brainwashing her 'baby'. Yeah, this lead in to getting a protective order. I didn't want to, some part of me hoped that she would just leave me alone and that would be that. Nobody wants to do that, it's their mom.

She didn't even bother showing up to court. Maybe she just ignored when I had a lawyer serve her paperwork. But I showed up, cut and dry got my PPO, and it all stopped. I have no idea where she is, what she's doing, if she's even still alive. And honestly, I don't want to know. Because I know she can't hurt me anymore, and that's all I need.

Still, the whole situation left me emotionally devastated. I dissociate and have irrational thoughts (like checking kitchen cabinets to make sure someone isn't hiding there), which I am working in therapy. I'm also getting my GED, and getting comfortable going out and doing things she never let me do like dance at a club or dating.

And with one year of 0 contact coming up, I am only thinking one thing; How am I going to celebrate? Maybe I'll get myself a cake.