r/raisedbynarcissists

seeing my narc parents just rotting their lives away in front of the tv with no hobbies, no friends honestly makes me feel sorry for them sometimes…what’s the psychology behind them never doing anything? they cook like shit, can’t find even a single sport to make them healthy not even walking for fucksake. why cant they try new things. they literally can just try a new restaurant, go explore places but they choose to stare at their phone scrolling through reels on facebook.

What is the best way for me to go about handling this? I (30M) attempted to get a NC order back in September and it was fruitless even after multiple police reports. My Nparent is still text book stalking me (this is all coming from a trusted relative of mine who I know won't report any of my information to my Nparent). She is also coming to my work on days I have either taken off or left early so that is part of why she hasn't seen my car along with my car being small enough to park between 2 big cars and it's easily concealed. My Nparent also found out I recently changed my banking information (she was very financially abusive throughout my entire adult life since I begin working essentially) due to a loan I had that I had already paid off.

The whole situation is very upsetting and nerve wrecking and it's upsetting my Girlfriend (29F) who I live with and my Nparent was previously stalking my place of residence as I live with my partner and her family so my girlfriend and I can save up for our own place, but it is resulting in both of us having bad anxiety nights and it is making me paranoid that my employer will eventually notice my Nparents car and put things together and her actions will result in my termination.

Again, I have already attempted the legal route and it was under fruitless due to incompetence on their end and id like to avoid going that route again if possible.

Does anyone have any other options when dealing with something like this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm getting very annoyed and stressed about this whole situation.

EDIT FOR MILD CONTEXT:

My trusted relative is in my corner when it comes to my Nparent and is also very low contact with them but is attempting for me to make ammends with my enabler parent. Granted, she said she won't push the issue on me (which is very much appreciated) but she said she won't question my judgement either way. I have personally come to terms with my enabler parent just being my bystander my whole life even after my Nparent was also physically abusive with me several times throughout my childhood. My trusted relative also relaid to me last night that there were several other times (prior to the other day) where she had to give my Nparent a verbal tongue lashing due to how she talked to me and was always yelling and cursing at me from a young age (say 5-7 roughly). I will fill her in on my enabler parents actions when I see her in several months

MINI UPDATE: (1 day later)

First off, thank you for all the supportive comments they were very reassuring and helpful knowing I'm not the only person who has had to deal with this. And to answer everyone's question yes my credit is frozen and she doesn't know any of my information regarding my new banking information.

Now onto the actual update.

After discussing it with my partner and reading some of the comments, I've decided to just solider forward for the time being and keep applying for new jobs until one sticks.

I am not going to bring this to HR yet as:

1. I don't want this coming back to bite me in the ass as a result.

2. yes she is not physically coming onto the property (thankfully) she is just driving by my place of employment which yes is still bad but she never sees my car so that's a win

3. I work in an environment where there aren't very many younger people and trying to explain everything to even my HR person would just go in one ear and out the other and I don't wanna have to go into extreme detail about things just to get my point across to them.

So for the time being I'm just talking it one day at a time and just hoping I can land a new job soon.

(Also the person who commented trying the piss disks, that gave my partner and I a good laugh once I explained it, but ultimately we aren't doing that as my Nparent would IMMEDIATELY peg me for it and it would give her a reason to take me to court. Again, good idea on paper just not something I'm willing to execute)

Also apologies for the bad grammar in spots, trying to type this on mobile very early in the morning is a bit of a struggle

sometimes i’ll tell a story from my childhood thinking it’s completely normal and people will just stare at me like “that’s not okay at all.” meanwhile there are other things i’m still unsure about because growing up around it for so long made everything feel normal at the time

it’s honestly confusing trying to untangle what was actual discipline/parenting vs what was manipulation, emotional neglect, guilt tripping, etc.

has anyone else had moments where you suddenly realized something from your childhood really wasn’t normal?

i remember instantly checking the mood of the house the second i heard the door open or keys jingling. sometimes nothing even happened, but my body would still tense up automatically because i never knew what version of them was walking in

it’s weird because i don’t even live there anymore and i still get anxious hearing certain sounds like footsteps, doors opening, or people coming home unexpectedly

did anyone else grow up like this?

I think one of the deepest wounds from growing up with a narcissistic mother is becoming touch-starved before you even understand what love is supposed to feel like.

My mom never picked me up when I cried.
Never hugged me for no reason.
Never kissed my forehead or held me close when I was scared.

Affection always felt withheld, distant, conditional, or absent entirely. I grew up learning not to reach for comfort because reaching usually ended in rejection, annoyance, or coldness.

People talk about abuse like it only counts if someone screams at you or hits you. But I honestly think repeated emotional neglect and micro-rejection rewires your nervous system in ways people who experienced warmth growing up can’t fully understand.

You stop initiating.Then you stop expecting comfort.
Then eventually your body itself starts associating vulnerability with humiliation.I carried that straight into adulthood without realizing it.

My (34m) ex (33f) was almost identical to my mother in the way affection slowly disappeared while insisting everything was “fine.” At first it was subtle. Less reaching for me. Hugs that felt stiff and obligatory. Kisses where I could physically feel the moment she wanted away from me.

Eventually I became hyperaware of every tiny rejection. Every shift away in bed. Every sigh. Every time affection felt tolerated instead of freely given.
The cruelest part about being touch-starved isn’t even sex. It’s lying next to someone you love while feeling emotionally invisible.

I spent years feeling ashamed for needing warmth at all. Like wanting to be held too long somehow made me needy or broken. Meanwhile my nervous system was starving.

And the worst part is how familiar it felt.
Because when you grow up with a mother who never held you, neglect feels normal. You don’t recognize deprivation as abuse because it’s the emotional climate you were raised in. You accept crumbs because your body was trained to survive on crumbs.

A few months ago an older female friend hugged me goodbye after coffee. She held me tightly for a few seconds, kissed my cheek, and told me she was proud of me.

I barely made it to my car before completely breaking down. Not because it was romantic.
Because my body realized how deprived I had been for most of my life.

That’s the part I think people don’t understand about touch starvation. It doesn’t just hurt emotionally. It changes you physically. Your entire nervous system becomes stuck between craving closeness and being terrified of needing it.

And I honestly think prolonged affection deprivation from the people who are supposed to love you most leaves scars that show up in every relationship afterward.

Does anyone else feel like being touch-starved became one of the deepest lasting traumas from having narcissistic parents?

like rehearsing what to say in your head, figuring out the safest wording, predicting possible reactions, trying not to sound too emotional, etc. i used to spend more time preparing for simple conversations than actually having them

looking back, i don’t think i realized how stressful that was at the time because it just felt normal

did anyone else do this growing up? do you still catch yourself overexplaining or rehearsing conversations now?

like i realised randomly how like, everytime my parents complain about how my phone is 'ruining me' or that its bad or whatever the fuck else, theyre really just shifting the blame onto other things but themselves, the one that gets me the most pissed off is 'youre always on that damn phone', like bitch yes the fuck i am cus its literally my only escape from the shitty life you have me living in

Recently went no contact with my mother. I went through a traumatic medical procedure a couple of months ago, and my mother made it clear she did not care about how I was doing or feeling. The procedure did not work and I spent weeks grieving a life I will never have. The heightened emotions of it all made me absolutely snap at her.

Once again, my father took her side, said I blew it way out of proportion. Unfortunately, this was not caused by this one incident, but from decades of neglect and from having a mother who does not give a shit about me. My husband understands why I blew up.

My mother continues to have horrible behaviors with zero consequences. She has lost most of our family to fallouts caused by her, and most of her friends over the years. I have one sibling who went no contact with her years ago. She seemingly doesn't give a shit, is so self absorbed, and my dad just goes along with it.

How can my father be so blind to it all? How does he not see the common denominator in these situations?

like the second you said no, wanted privacy, or tried to protect your own time or energy, it immediately got treated like you were selfish, disrespectful, or “changed.” after a while i started feeling anxious anytime i tried to set even basic boundaries with anyone

now i still catch myself overexplaining simple things because i feel like i need permission to have limits

did anyone else grow up with that mindset? how did you start getting more comfortable setting boundaries?

My sons first communion is coming up and since his school doesn’t organize these type of things, I had to go directly to the church,

One clause is that I’m allowing them to use my childs likeness, take videos of him etc and once i consent they can use his image for whatever purpose the Church deems it serves.

Of course I didn’t agree, my parents, especially my mom then got mad at me because its the church and I shouldn’t “question” it and that its okay for her and she wants me to consent to it too.

I walked out on her because I don’t want to be pressured over something I don’t feel comfortable with, and then suddenly she and my dad started calling me ungrateful, rude and disrespectful towards the church. They made sure I heard their conversation.

My mom was complaining that I cause problems all the time even when it’s something as small as this

I tried to explain that I don’t feel comfortable because 1, they didnt state where and how this images will be used 2, the clause said that once I agree they can interview him and use this for marketing online even without my consent since I already agreed to it.

Am I being wrong?

I live overseas. Had been waiting for brother to visit for months. A few weeks ago he said he wouldn't make it, but then got a call this week that said he will be in the area and come visit. But then he said--or you can just come to me--I thought you'd like to visit a new place.

Anyone else’s sleep get interrupted or just full blown don’t get any sleep? Before my narc left for work this morning (5 something am). He lets the dog in my room, throws a dog treat and slams the door. After slamming the door I instantly wake up, plus the loud crunching from my dog. I get up because I end up having to use the bathroom. Then I go to my narc, I asked him why would he give him a treat this early, now I have to hear him eating while I’m trying to sleep. He tells me, “man, if you can hear him then you weren’t sleep”. As if everyone is able to deep sleep like him. Mind you, this was one of those treats they can eat for a while..not quick. So not only do I have to hear the loud crunching, I have to worry about him using the bathroom since dog is not trained.

Then on top of that, I have to be up early anyway because he’ll be texting and calling me at 7 am to get up because I shouldn’t be sleeping “all day and need to be productive “ and I also have to let the dogs out. I’m lucky if I can fall back to sleep a little after all of this. I hate when he is off because he will make sure I’m up at 7. Or I get lectured and fussed at . One time I was pulled out of bed on to the floor. Then my door has to stay open and he constantly walks by to make sure. Normally my narc wakes me up by talking or fussing at me while I’m sleep. Like whatever it is can’t wait until I wake up. If ignore him, he constantly calls my name until I wake up. If I try to argue back, he complains about no matter how late he goes to sleep he’s able to get up the same time everyday. I feel like it’s just from being in the military. But not everyone is morning person, If I have something to do or place to go I can get up but if not I like to enjoy my sleep.
Dae not able to sleep around their narc??

Honestly, just looking for prayers or anything else. We found out today our protection order renewal was denied, for not having an ample enough time before it expires. This will cause my father to regain contact with my family and I. He was abusive growing up, manipulative, weaponizes my past, and an evil man. He was abusive towards my mother as well. They split up over 10 years ago, but he remained close contact with her because he enjoys controlling her, etc. 4 years ago it came out that he r*ped her. It was reported, but he was never convicted. In fact, he always seems to escape any justice and has always gotten away with everything. He now has a new family and wife, who just adore him, and they moved 10 minutes down the road. In fact we have even seen him out in public after he moved closer to us. I know he did it on purpose. I of course am the black sheep of my family, and they have framed me as the toxic one for no longer wanting contact with them or contributing into their toxic family dynamic. I know the day this protection order expires he will be contacting me again, starting his manipulation and threats. Like threatening to take me to court for visitation rights of our children. As my therapist describes it, it’s like reliving all my PTSD over again. I guess I’m just looking for a place to vent. If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read this.

As the title says, years ago, when my child was 7 months old, my mother kidnapped him at midnight whilst I was working the night shift at a care home. I had been diagnosed with post partum depression two weeks previously, and was working with my doctors, still working nights as my partner at the time wasn’t due to an illness.

I came home at 8am to be told “your mom has X”. She lived 3 hours away and I didn’t have a vehicle.

Do you know what I did? I got into bed, and only got out to go to work. My son was never in danger, but she took away my reason to not wallow, my reason to push through, and my reason to get better.

She returned him after a month, and actually told me off for “not being better”. It’s haunted me for 10 years, especially the fact that I effectively rolled over and prayed for death for a month.

After hearing another woman’s story today, I let out the biggest exhale, like I’d been holding my breath for those 10 years. I’m NC with her, and whilst I’m still under the care of my MH team (abusive upbringing for the win there mother) I’m doing much better, my child is happy, healthy, cared for, and knows he is loved. Most importantly, he feels safe with me, something I never felt as a child.

There’s no real point to this post other than to get it out of my head, and to also let any others out there that had a child kidnapped by family, that there are others who have had the same happen, because until today I genuinely felt like I was the only person this had happened to and felt like the worst parent for not fighting for him at the time.

This week, I finally took the step. I blocked my narcissistic monster that called itself my mother. I enforced an absolute boundary to protect myself, my wife, and my two young children.

​I thought I would feel relief. I thought I would feel free.

​Instead, the backlash inside my own mind is violent. I am drowning in an immeasurable amount of shame, limitless fear, and thousands of regrets. I feel like I’ve failed my ancestors, abandoned my responsibilities, and lost a part of who I am. My pragmatism and logic have been completely swallowed by this overwhelming emotional pain. I look at myself in the mirror and I see a stranger. She has told countless members of my family, sent messages recorded alongside them to try and get me to come back, no doubt with false information provided.

​I am holding onto my core vow every single day: to protect my little ones so they never, ever have to feel this kind of systemic pain. But right now, in my living room, the emptiness is clawing at me.

​For those who have gone completely No Contact... is this normal? Why does doing the right thing for my children feel like I've committed a crime against my own blood? How do you survive the first few days of this emptiness?

Hi, I am 18 year old girl. Recently I have been giving all kinds of entrance exams and everything and failing in almost everything. My family have been abusive for as long as I can remember. My father is violent and my mother just takes the abuse. The environment is always wierd and depressed? Someone is always yelling and shouting or discussing it with me. Apart from this i have some more sexual trauma. I can't even sleep well because of sleep paralysis All of this has really messed up my mental health. And I have no way to get help .I am not trying to make excuses but i genuinely can't. I feel like I'll go mad. I am not able to study or do anything at all. Anything I loved isn't interesting. I am ruining myself.

I am suspecting adhd and autism but i don't have anyway to get help and get diagnosed.

I don't know what to do, I am scared. This year was my drop year. Which was wasted. I don't even know if I can even do anything in life. I don't know if I'll go to clg . I don't know if I'll be alive. I am just scared.

I just want to know if it is even possible for someone like me to even do good in life ? Someone who wasted the drop year. I did well in 10th and after that everything fell downhills.

If there's someone who's doing well in life with similar story then please share your journey with me. I am scared and lost, so I'll really appreciate it.

Thank you

Toward the end of a recent therapy appointment, my therapist mentioned that going "no contact" is a big decision, and it's not anywhere near as easy as they make it sound online when people write "Go no contact".

I found that very helpful, since I struggled for many years about the choice to go no contact or not.

She brought up the subject of the type of grief that goes along with going no contact.

I had an epiphany--that in hindsight, I much rather would've gone through the disenfranchised complicated grief process of going no contact in my 20s, versus going through two additional decades of the pain, love bombing-abuse-trauma bond cycle, which made it very challenging to heal.

But then I also wondered if I had gone no contact years ago, would I have always regretted that I didn't give low contact a chance, and made it possible to continue to have a relationship with my narcissistic parents, while also protecting myself from their ongoing abuse? Would I have felt like it was a failure to not have been able to have a relationship with them in which I could've learned to not react to their abuse?

We ran out of time right then. It's something I thought would be interesting to bring up here for experience, discussion, etc.

I'm so confused. They literally won't let me shower. They say that I don't need It and they don't care if people reject me for not showering. Sometimes I have to take a wet towel when Im alone. Im over 18, but still live with them (very common in spanish speaking countries) they also told me that I won't be moving out until they decide when and that I'm too useless to find a job, so they force me to not seek one. They're anti-vaxxers too and physically abusive, they want to control everything about my life.I don't know what to do with them. I don't have any family members besides them. Its so sad and horrible.

i literally was being starved living there. they knew i diddnt have a job and wouldnt go get food for weeks at a time. yet i always found fast food in the trash. now that i moved out my grandpa texts me "its pretty dark upstairs lately."

like cool asshole. u also literally choked me at that house because i told u no to helping u with a task on the car.

fucking hot and cold pieces of shit. hate me and despite me and starve me when i live there, but once i move out "ohhh we miss you so much suspicious issue"

sick disgusting people

I'm referring to basic things, like clothes, a chocolate bar, shampoo, idk. Personal things