r/raisedbynarcissists

My mom died Monday morning. My dad called me at 5 AM to tell me. I told him I was sorry and that it must have been so hard to watch her pass. Then I hung up and just sat there. No tears. No wave of grief. Nothing.

Visitation is today and the funeral is tomorrow. I still haven’t cried. My sister hasn’t either. We’ve talked about it and neither of us feels guilty about it, which I think says everything about who Mom was. Not to mention we both moved to different states after college.

My mom had end-stage COPD. She was couch-bound and had been slowly dying for years. I have cried a lot of tears over that woman already, but the anticipatory grief I had was about accepting that I never had the mother I needed.

She was a textbook narcissist. The public version of her was charming and warm. Based on the Facebook comments on the obituary post, everyone at visitation today is going to say what a wonderful woman she was and the entire time I’m going to be like “who the fuck are they talking about?”

The last time I visited, my dad asked me to cook a Stouffer’s lasagna. My mom made me come stand in front of her so she could deliver microwave instructions to my face. They were dumb instructions that I followed anyway because it wasn’t worth arguing. She ate four bites and said the meat was overcooked. That same visit, she jumped in my dad’s ass for not saving her a biscuit that had been in the fridge for three weeks. She made him come into the living room to explain himself face to face. She refused when he offered to make a new batch. She didn’t want the problem solved. She wanted to make him feel bad.

One time she asked me if I was still crocheting. I said no. She asked if I’d finished the camo afghan (the one I made for an ex-boyfriend fifteen years ago.) That was her attempt at showing interest in my life. She didn’t ask about my job, my hobbies, or my kid.

Another time my dad, my son, and I went out on the side-by-side to hunt mushrooms. She called my dad on his cell phone and asked him to come. back to the house. Then texted him “hurry.” My mamaw was literally sitting right there at the house with her. All Mom needed was her back rubbed. She couldn’t let him have an hour with his grandson without pulling him back.

My dad was her full-time caretaker. He could leave the house for maybe five hours a week. He is one of the kindest, most patient men on earth and she spent her days barking orders at him from the couch, blaming him for the messy house the (which he couldn’t clean because he was too busy waiting on her hand and foot.) I literally do not know how he put up with her. Years ago they divorced but got remarried, and my sister and I both have said that they should have stayed divorced. I feel like she stifled him and he lost his potential to be a better, warmer, kinder person.

I realized something a couple months ago on a drive home. She was irrelevant. There were no memories being made. She didn’t know me. She was just existing on that couch being mean to my dad, and every time I visited I became someone I didn’t like.

My sister and I both agree that this week has been the best visit to our dad’s house in years. And it’s 100% because she’s gone. We went to a tavern last night and ate dinner and played pool. We helped dad with funeral and financial and legal logistics. We went through her clothes and jewelry, and organized the kitchen. It finally feels like we’re allowed to be here and interact with stuff that we never could have touched before without her yelling from the couch asking what we were doing.

I don’t feel guilty. Over the last 5 years I’ve done a lot of work on myself. I got sober, went to therapy, got medicated, and built a life she couldn’t even ask about because she never knew the first fucking thing about who I became.

I have described my mother as abusive for many years. I am 34 years old, study to be a psychologist, have worked in a therapy-adjacent field since 2017, have a daughter of four months, I'm in a loving relationship and have a lot of friends and engaging hobbies. In many ways, my life couldn't be better. After many years of therapy, self-discovery and hard work I have grown a lot happier than the dark years of my childhood.

But still I discover ever new things about the upbringing I thought of as "mostly normal".

I was talking with a few friends and my wife and I casually mentioned "sneaking back from the parents bed at night". No-one knew what I was talking about. I said:

"You know, when you dream a nightmare as a kid and feel like every shadow is full of monsters, go to your parents room to ask if you may sleep there and after standing next to their bed for a while without waking your mom you prefer to go back to your own bed. Because you don't dare wake up mom."

They glanced at each other and my wife said:

"Dear, that's not normal."

We talked about it, I got support and then conversation resumed.

The next day I talked to one of my brothers over the phone. My three older brothers were also not treated well by my mother, but a lot better than I was. I mentioned the above incident and he said that he had never felt like that. I then asked if he ever kept notes about what she had promised, like I had done.

My mother has always been very fickle and arbitrary, changing rules and promises on a whim to better suit her needs. When I tried reminding her, she usually demanded to know when, exactly, she had promised or said stuff. Being a logical child I just interpreted that as "I need to remind mom with the date of the promise", so I got into the habit of taking detailed notes of her promises, rules and the like. When I used this to point out that she had, in fact, promised ice cream as a reward for helping with the garden she called me "evil, creepy and manipulative". I still took notes to keep sane.

My brother then said:

"*My name*, our mother is many things but not actively deceitful. She never forgets a promise. To me..." and then it dawned on us that she only did that (and still do) to me and only me.

With a sick feeling to my stomach I asked if he ever felt like he was forced to be baptised. My mother is a devout Lutheran Christian, but also believes that infants shouldn't be baptised since the Faith should be joined voluntarily. She said to me that it was voluntary to be baptised and my ten-year-old self said "I don't think I believe in God, so I don't want to be baptised now".

She spent two weeks yelling at me and "discussing" the nature of good and evil, claiming that I chose evil. Eventually I relented, got baptised and eventually forced myself through confirmation. I got no presents except a Bible since "Faith is its own reward".

My brother said:

"No, I never felt forced. I said no and she just dropped it and praised me speaking my mind. She never dropped it wholly and later on she bribed me with a gaming computer. Then I accepted."

I checked with my other brothers. They also never had to doubt their memories or got yelled at for not wanting to be Christian. None of us are believers now, but I have an "irrational" hatred of Christianity. I still have a strong emotional reaction towards people who are Christian, but have learned to not act on it. I'm Swedish, so the local Christianity is very benign

I hate discovering more like this. Every year I discover something new. Every time I think I have figured myself out more shit like this surfaces. My mother treated me worse, made me deeply afraid of her and have imparted hatred towards people from how she treated me. I just want to be done with her.

Thanks for reading this far. I don't want my past to drag me down, but I also need to vent that I hate realizing how abusive my childhood was.

TL;DR:

I recently found out that other people weren't too scared to wake their parents after a nightmare when they were kids. My mom treated me much worse than my brothers and gaslighted me, but not them. She also forced me to be baptised, but she only forced me and instead chose to bribe my brothers instead of yelling at them. I still hate Christianity because of it.

I'm leaving for college 2000kms away in 10 days still she fights me everyday

She berates me all the time that I'm paying for your tuition

Mind you this woman has never worked a single day in her life. Dad is the one paying for it.

I wish her the worst

I've wasted so much of my childhood managing my parent moods. Constantly having to be careful not to anger them or upset them. Control my emotions, be careful with my choice of words. It's so exhausting to deal with. People don't understand the fear of having to listen for footsteps, pay attention to the tone of your parents voice and having to just live in a state of constant panic and worry.

The Godmother played by Olivia Coleman completely conveys the traits of a narcissistic parent. A good watch but might be triggering for some people.

My mum think she’s knows everything, she’s always right, she always knows what’s going to happen, what won’t happen.

My mum screams at the top of her lungs when she’s angry, she never talks calmly when she’s feeling anything negative, her first instinct isn’t to clam down, it’s to take her anger out on me, she’s been doing this since I could remember, I’m SO emotionally tired

She never treats my brother this way, I can’t remember that last time she ever yelled at my brother.

My friends, HELL even my friends parents agree she is a narcissist, I love my mum to death but deep down I know she really is a narcissistic person.

On top of sll of this, she calls herself an emotionally intelligent person.

Can anyone relate?

I'm not sure if my parents are necessarily narcissists. My father certainly has a lot of problems but my mother I can never tell.

Now, I'm 20 years old, and I absolutely love making comics. It's become so much fun for me in recent years. However, recently my mom took away all the devices I used to make my comics. She claimed that I couldn't spend all my time locked up doing my art. She says that I am only allowed to do it around the family, or out where she is, not in my room or my own spaces.

Now, to be fair, when she saw me crying over it once, she passively mentioned maybe allowing me to sometimes do it by myself​, and she has let me do it a few times since then in my own room, but my devices remain in the living room at all times, and whenever I complain about it, she says I have to "get used to doing it around the family", even though she's never said why. I'd like to say again, I'm an adult. I have a job. The art tools are all mine. I don't know what to think. I just want to know is I'm alone. ​

Ever since I started going to college, everytime, I go home, they always turn it off past 10pm.

I know I’m kinda a loser but it really annoys me. It’s not that big of deal when I go home a weekend and they do this, but now it’s my 3rd year and they still do this.

Recently, they changed the WiFi password to stop me from using it. They claimed it was because I was playing video games and eating all the bandwidth which is just false. My own computer shows that I use 90% of the bandwidth on google chrome and 9% on background systems with the rest of the 1% just misc apps. The only video game I have on my computer is Minecraft that ironically doesnt need wifi.

So I just started going to the library every day instead to use the wifi. However, theyre planning to cancel my phone plan too because they say Ive been using way too much data. I mean hey if you disable the internet, the only way I can access it is through mobile data. They also think I’m playing video games on my phone but I don’t even have games on my phone…

I’m tired of this. You’re probably wondering why I bothered going home if I was restricted like this. I was gonna work part time near my college but the place I was renting suddenly had to kick everyone out and I figured I rather save 2 months rent and go back home, and now I don’t know if I can take this anymore.

It’s not even just about being a bum and needing internet for entertainment. I can’t even do real work or real study that I would need for the future and my parents wonder why I’m such a loser. They try their best to make me shut out from the world and don’t even bother supporting me. They don’t even believe it when I say it’s not from video games. Like genuinely what do they want me to do with no internet? Just sit at my table and do nothing? I’m not a kid anymore . I’m not always gonna be chronically online but I do need to use it to check school stuff and find potential jobs and maybe just practice programming and such.

Sorry this was a really bad rant. But I’m always reminded why I hate being at home. This isn’t the only reason why I hate it here. I have way worse issues with my parents, more so my dad that I gave up on trying to resolve.

Edit: My dad just said he plans to cut it by tomorrow, and he says he knows I wouldn’t return if I didn’t have to. Which is somewhat true, but I’m just baffled by how he doesn’t understand why I hate going back so much. He keeps talking about how you should care abt family first and you should want to go home, but why would I want to go home to get yelled at, no internet, and not respected. The only good thing about being at home is I don’t really use any money and I don’t have to make my own food, which isn’t really a plus to me.

I remember growing up, I never saw my mom smile. She always had such a sad or irritated expression on her face and gave off this constant depressing vibe. My younger brother and I never felt like coming back home after school or college because, for most of our childhood, she was always at home with either a sad or pissed-off expression.

Living with a mother who was physically present but didn't feel warm, nurturing, or emotionally available felt incredibly lonely and hollow as a child. Home never really felt like a place where we could relax and feel emotionally safe.

What makes me think about this even more is how different I was after losing my 2-year-old daughter. I was completely devastated, but I made sure to maintain a smile and a kind, reassuring face in front of my 4-year-old, even on the second day after her death. I didn't want my child to see me completely broken and feel scared or emotionally overwhelmed.

I was grieving unimaginably, but I still wanted my child to feel that Mum was there and that the world was still safe.

And it makes me wonder how deeply our own childhood experiences shape the kind of parents we become. I know what it feels like to grow up surrounded by emotional heaviness, and I desperately don't want my children to experience that same loneliness.

Because I don’t think mine ever did.

I know they loved me and they understood that they had to give me the best life they could. And they worked very hard to do that. Which I’m grateful for.

But I can’t get over the fact that they’ve never liked me as a person.

Is this a normal experience?

My GC brother, who is himself a huge narc, got married 3 years ago to someone who doesn't worship him completely. At the time I was surprised and my best guess was that he liked the challenge or some other fucked up reason.

It turns out for the past 2 years he's been cheating with someone who is a lot younger and very vulnerable (family difficulties). He's positioned himself to be the only positive thing in that person's life and their world revolves around him.

Well his spouse caught on and shit is hitting the fan. His whole story is "[spouse] doesn't want me around, they drove me to this, [affair partner] is the only one who loves me and needs me" blah blah blah.

I'm disgusted. He basically groomed the affair partner into worshipping him. They are half his age.

I've already been LC and now I'm quietly going NC. My parents of course are siding with him and already planting the seeds of "[spouse] is no good" etc etc so when he one it gets divorced it will look like it was a good idea. Anything to protect their image.

On the one hand, I feel a weird kind of vindication that he's just as horrible as I always imagined him to be and my parents will just allow whatever the fuck he does to pass unchecked. On the other hand, I guess I had some small sliver of hope that he would eventually have to be held accountable. Maybe he will, but not by my parents.

This was long, sorry. Thanks if you read it.

I’m 40 with two small kids (almost 6 and 3). My husband and I bought a house in Florida in late 2024. My mother put in roughly $450k as an investment and is on the title. At the time it made sense — we were relocating to be closer to family support.

Then everything fell apart. My husband’s federal job was hit with return-to-office requirements, so he has to go back to Virginia. The Florida house has been listed since February and will not sell for enough to cover the mortgage and pay my mother back in full. We are underwater relative to what she is owed. She hates my husband and is actively advocating for divorce so I can stay in florida w the kids moving closer to her. To the point that she will not help with the kids or give us a date night anymore. We have virtually no help.

She is refusing any compromise:

She will not allow us to lower the price unless she is paid the full $450k at closing.

She will not allow us to rent the house.

She knows we cannot afford to keep carrying this mortgage. She has made veiled threats to sue us if we forclose.

She knows we have two young children and that my husband needs to be in Virginia for work.

She is a millionaire. This money will not change her lifestyle.

I have offered a structure where she gets the net equity from the sale plus a large cash payment from us at closing, with a promissory note for the remaining balance. She has already said she will not accept anything less than full payment.

This is consistent with a lifelong pattern. Help from her has almost always come with control and later resentment. When things don’t go the way she planned, she becomes cold, rigid, and punishing. Emotional needs are usually dismissed. I have been told versions of “get over it,” that I am weak, dramatic, or ungrateful, and that I should just handle things her way. S

I am exhausted, in significant physical pain from rheumatoid arthritis, trying to parent two young kids mostly alone right now, and watching any path to stability get blocked by the person who is supposed to be family.

I am not looking for “just go no contact” as the only answer. I am trying to understand how people have dealt with a parent who has substantial resources and still chooses control and principle over their adult child’s ability to create a stable home for young grandchildren.

Has anyone navigated a parent who weaponizes money like this while still being involved in the children’s lives? How did you protect yourself and your kids without completely imploding the relationship (or did you eventually have to)?

So my little sister has immense behavioral problems and my dad hates her behavioral problems, yet does literally nothing other than sit there on his one part of the couch, shit-talk when she’s not around, and say horrific shit like this.

He thinks his TEN YEAR OLD CHILD is going to “slut out” and be promiscuous when she’s a teenager and yet because he is a selfish, lazy and neglectful, abusive pile of shit, he refuses to do anything about it

And he said this to my enabler mom, when my little sister was out of the house, and me and my older sister were upstairs, yet I overheard him:

“Horrible grades… just absolutely horrible grades… She’s not doing good in school…

I’ve been on her VR headset to try and fix something for her. And her avatars… her characters she’s dressing up as..?

She’s gonna slut out. She’s gonna slut out when she’s a teen.”

This popped up on my YouTube feed and oh my god I’m laughing so hard. This girl says her mom never supported her dreams of being a pop star since childhood because it wasn’t a “legitimate” career (typical Boomer mindset of wanting an ivy league graduate) but then when she was 19 out of nowhere her mom had a midlife crisis and decided that SHE was gonna be a pop star and then proceeded to make a whole album and shove it in her face. 😭 Mind you, she’s a terrible singer with no actual talent and the daughter is the one who was clearly naturally gifted at singing and made the mother jealous. Wow! And I thought my mom was crazy! 🤣 Lmfao. I’m glad she’s telling her story though. I’m all for shitty parents being exposed!

Making a meal for my neighbor and I had a memory pop up.

My neighbor's husband was in the ER last night, and she's having a major operation in a couple of days. It's not much more work to add a few potatoes and extra bacon to the soup. They've always been good neighbors.

While I was chopping potatoes this memory hit me so hard. I was 18-19, lived by myself in a decent area about an hour and a half away from my narc mother. My neighbor was pregnant and her husband was out on a call (FD) she had two other children as well. She had smooth easy pregnancies her first two, the third one made up for all that smooth sailing. She was miserable and exhausted. (Her husband was good to her, involved but fire season waits for no one.) She was ill, throwing up and trying to get groceries in the house. I volunteered to help her. She declined, but I said "Don't stress it I got you I want to help." I helped her and her kiddos inside. I offered to prepare dinner for her and the kids. She looked at her kitchen and started to cry, it wasn't gross, just two toddlers, a busy husband and pregnancy had left its clutter. I cleaned, entertained the toddlers and made her soup. It wasn't a big deal, I didn't expect praise. I just wanted to help someone who clearly needed it.

My mother called me while I was cooking and chatting with the toddlers. Her tone was immediately disgusted when she heard them talking. I told her I was at the neighbors helping her for a bit while she rested. My mother started laughing at me... She said "A sucker is born every minute. Why would you do that for free? Seriously? it's not like she'll help you back. God you've always been so easy to take advantage of." She continued to mock me and laugh at me for helping my neighbor.

(Side note a few years later I fell on hard times. I was leaving my abusive ex husband. The neighbors husband slipped me an envelope with $200 cash and a gift card to a grocery store. He told me to "just accept it and don't argue, we want to help." (Same words I told his wife years earlier.) )

My mother has always hated taking care of people. She has always resented it... I am no contact with my mother, but I still hear her laughing at me and mocking me... Honestly even if that neighbor never spoke to me again... I don't do it for praise or for someone to give something back. I do it because I never got help or someone showing up for me... So I became the person who would. I've now got people who do show up and do help me.

Sorry about the random rant... It's weird how some memories just smack you outta the blue..

My younger half brother is a complete waste of oxygen. He has all the negative traits from my mother but with violent tendencies added on top, he will almost certainly end up in prison in the next 5 years. There are many different stories to tell but I'll go with the main one that caused the biggest rift between us.

A few years ago, my pregnant wife and I were asleep in bed when we were awoken by the sound of somebody trying to kick in our front door, not a nice feeling to say the least.

I opened up the Ring doorbell app to see what was going on. It turns out it was my brother, drunk and coked up to his eyeballs, he was trying to kick my front door in for some reason (to this day I genuinely don't know what that reason was) while shouting "I'll kick your fucking head in"

The police arrived very quickly to my surprise and arrested him before I needed to do anything. They must have had a patrol car nearby because when we checked later it was about 2 minutes from making the call, stellar work, ten out of ten.

My mother acted mortified for less than a week and soon pivoted to "you need to make up with your brother" oh do I? I NEED to do I? No.

Despite not liking my mother, I still maintained contact with her against my better judgement. I guess I was stuck in the mindset of "Yeah but she's family after all" (side note, do not fall into this trap)

She didn't come to my son's first birthday last year and never gave a reason, that hurt but I still kept things civil with her. She would still come round to see my son, still talk shit about people, still talk about how everyone else is a "snake" and that she has never done anything wrong, still talking shit about my stepmother (who is a lovely woman and a better mother than she has ever been). I tolerated it all. I even tolerated the occasional time I would see my brother around town and he would give me a dirty look despite the fact that he is in the wrong.

Fast forward again to last week, it was my son's second birthday and we got him baptised at the same time. It was a lovely day with all the family. My mother messaged me a week before saying "Does the invite include (my brother)?"

Absolutely not. I responded with "No, you know how I feel about (brother), the invite is just for you and (stepfather)"

Well that clearly sent her over the edge because she almost instantly replied with "We're not coming then, you are just being petty now, he is your brother. Have a nice day"

I haven't heard from her since and honestly, never felt more relieved. I always had it in my mind that if I cut her off before this I would be a bad son but I've had enough. I'm sure she will be telling all her friends and her side of the family how cruel I am, and how my brother wants to make amends (not true, he has never apologised and as I mentioned above, gives me dirty looks whenever I see him) but I just don't care anymore.

I'm free from her and feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. All my life I have put up with her just being a nasty person and then love bombing us to make us forget the things she says and does.

I'm grateful that my son is too young to understand and has other loving grandparents around him, it would break my heart if he started questioning where his grandmother has gone but right now all he cares about is Peppa Pig and his new tricycle haha.

Thanks for reading, I just needed to put this out somewhere.

I think I almost snapped today, like full rage snap but I hung up before I could say anything. My husband and I just got our beautiful new home. Since we got it we’ve been hosting my brother as well 4-5 days out of the week because we live closer to his job, which I GOT HIM btw.

The first week wasn’t too bad, then the second week she asked. I said sure, then rolling on to the third week STRAIGHT. I said no at first but thought whatever. This will be the last week.

We haven’t unpacked many boxes or done much because our days are spent working, waiting for him to start the job. Dropping him, taking a breather and just hanging out together as a married couple putting a few things away. Then waiting to pick him up.

Sometimes my poor husband is so tired that I just uber my brother to ours.

Now he comes back today in what I assumed was just 1 night here then I drop him to work tomorrow and my brother in law picks him up since he works closer to the job and also he lives closer to my mother (hubby and I live an hour and a half away).

She calls me saying that apparently my brother in law doesn’t want to pick him up tomorrow so can we host him until we can drive him back to her house and then drive back home.

Mind you, I told this sorry excuse for a human being that we haven’t finished unpacking, we both work full time, since we moved here we haven’t had a single weekend just two of us.

When I said no and my brother in law can pick him up. She starts talking about “well it’s the job you gave him, and brother in law’s name doesnt like waiting to long for him to finish”

LIKE WHAT?! Because I GAVE A 26 YEAR OLD MAN a job that means I’m responsible for picking him up, dropping him off, FEEDING HIM, CLEANING UP AFTER HIM?

It was THE only consistent unchanging thing I ever experienced. With all the volatility, mood swings, that stayed the same. I had to be happy on the sly, hide it, or infuse some self sabotaging destructiveness into my endeavors. Some way I preemptively sabotaged myself, before anyone else could. That was the control I had, to decide how my humiliation and loss would be experienced if I ever pushed too hard for success, freedom, like the way Good will hunting chooses the Wrench. It’s the illusion of a choice. Hurt and degrade myself then I’m not a threat, never realizing that wasn’t really a choice, that was living in fear and enslavement.

Narcissistic parent (mostly emotional abuse, some physical) has tracked my address down for the 4th time in 7 years (im a grown adult now obviously). I seriously don't know what to do at this point: they keep sending cards/gifts to my KIDS (my kids have never met the parent...Ive never even told the parent the kids exist but they've tricked extended family members into sharing kids names/birthdays/photos/info). Im seriously concerned that they may try to pull some crap (showing up at our house, going to the children's school, taking the kids?? Can you tell I'm spiraling) now that they have our address. ​

Here are the options as i see them (feel free to add any you can think of): -Option 1: get family law protective order so at least there may be reprecussions if he keeps sending stuff to our house or if he ever shows up ​-Option 2: do nothing, let him send mail while maintaining no contact and hope he doesnt escalate -Option 3: lie that we moved again to extended family (that has been slipping info to him) and get a po box in a random city to 'redirect' the parent away from our actual location -Option 4: something else?? HELP

Should I seek a family law protective order? A domestic abuse advocate thinks I have a good shot at getting one if I have proof ive asked them to stop (like letter from an attorney or something asking them to stop contacting me) and I document any further mail they send (to show pattern of 'harassment' or 'stalking').

Ive already been no contact with this person for over 8 years, but it seems to have no effect on their fervor to keep tracking down information about me and/or my kids. I can't tell if they are escalating/building up to something or just continuing the behavior to feed their own sob story about how 'good of a grandparent they are for continuing to soldier on even though I wont let them see the kids'. If they just want to send cards and gifts but for the most part leave me/my kids alone then fine, whatever at this point! But this person is absolutley OFF THEIR ROCKER when it comes to pulling LIFE ALTERING stunts to screw with people that have "wronged" them -- poisoned my dog, got a family member arrested by making crap up....you get the picture. Im concerned that even doing the whole "please stop with any contact" step through a lawyer would be perceived by them as a MAJOR invitation to escalate their behavior. But without sending that, I can't proceed with any protective order steps. Without a protective order, I have absolutely no protection if they do show up and try to pull something. PLEASE help me decide what to do; im at a loss for how to keep my kids safe. For context: The parent is the "saint" type of NPD (lots of volunteering, everyone swears they are just the "nicest", etc), but they have a real penchant for being abusive through legal systems (false accusations that resulted in an erroneous arrest, divorce proceedings, tax fraud, etc).

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