u/tcmcmer

I've wasted so much of my childhood managing my parent moods. Constantly having to be careful not to anger them or upset them. Control my emotions, be careful with my choice of words. It's so exhausting to deal with. People don't understand the fear of having to listen for footsteps, pay attention to the tone of your parents voice and having to just live in a state of constant panic and worry.

I don't know why it makes me so angry every time I think about people I know who have loving parents and a good childhood because it's like you don't know what it's like you dont know what I've been through and how much it effects me even now obviously I don't know everything people are going through but even then it makes me so bitter seeing people have these easy seemingly pain free lives I know they are not in the wrong here but I can't stop myself from being so upset seeing others with their happy families and great lives it's not even jealousy or me wishing they had bad lives instead I can't even explain it it's just difficult for me to see

Looking back on my childhood I'm embarrassed by how immature my parents are. Why did they spend so much time trying to upset me and trying to make me cry or get angry like I don't think I've witnessed such losers in my entire life. Who does some ridiculous thing like upsetting their own kids laughing when they get upset and going on rants making fun of them? Grown Adults by the way, you would think they'd find better use of their time or be somewhat aware of how stupid they look but apparently not. Regardless they're unserious people and not worth taking seriously.

I realize that I was a grown adult having to explaining every decision I made to my parents, being scared of my parents. I was so used to this dynamic that it took me so long to realize it wasn't normal and that none of my peers were doing this.

I used to be able to do this quite well, telling myself it's the same tantrum they always throw and that this is so typical. But I don't know why I keep being hurt by what they say nowadays. I keep dwelling on what was said, just spending hours thinking about it. It doesn't help even when I tell myself they are ridiculous and not worth taking seriously. I need to figure out how to be completely numb inside to their insults and tantrums, but it took me years to get there, and now that it's gone, I need to figure out how to get back into that state so I can survive this household.

I am researching French culture globally, specifically Mardi Gras and how French heritage has been preserved in New Orleans. I purchased a NewsBank subscription, but it only provides access to articles from the 2010s onward. I need material from the '90s, and 2000s. Any suggestions on how to access older articles?

This isn't religious or supernatural or anything just a feeling that I have. Every time I look at my dad I feel this evil energy from him. Even if I had never known him and I saw him for the first time I would feel that way too like you see him being kind and warm but you can tell right away although it sounds like he's saying all the right things it feels performative. He seems like he has no true warmth or life behind his eyes.

I have never once seen a man say Alix is attractive. It's always the girls who are just as boring and plain as she is who try to convince everyone that she's hot, that she's this girl that everyone wants. They defend her relentlessly when people she looks basic and old like why are we acting like not finding her attractive is a crime??! They need everyone to think she's beautiful because if she's not then it means that the millions of other basic girls with their excessive tan, bad fillers and glow in the dark hair aren't attractive either.

Maybe she's not ugly but she's not this otherworldly timeless unforgettable beauty you're trying to convince me that she is.

At this point too much damage has been done. I genuinely can't have a normal relationship with them ever again no matter how nice they are or how much they've changed not after everything they've done I just can't brush past that or make peace with it. All I want is to be left alone I don't even want a good relationship with them or apologizes from them I just want to never see them again. I'm not interested in mending the relationship not even if they genuinely changed because I certainly haven't. I haven't ever recovered from the trauma they caused me.

It happened when I was 16 and I went to a doctors appointment. I was having a regular checkup and things were going well until my parents barged into the room. They started talking over me and saying that I was crazy, I never spoke to them, I was always in my room, I was unwell and needed to be sent to a psych ward. Anyways after that whole mess the doctor asked them to leave then completed the rest of the appointment and at the end he said you're only 16 you have 2 more years until you can finally leave them.

I wanted to cry because it was the first time anybody had noticed even slightly that I was being abused. My parents have yelled and beat me in front of others, in front of teachers and my friends but everyone just got uncomfortable and never mentioned it to me or they made fun of me behind my back because my parents yelled and hit me. Sometimes I thought that I was being overdramatic and that I wasn't actually being abused but I was so relieved when finally someone else acknowledged it as well.

I bought him a Francesco Totti jersey but now I'm not sure if I should give it to him since he already has so many and it seems unoriginal. One of his friends already got him tickets to a game so I can't do that either. I know that he likes El Shaarawy and Dybala too but I'm not sure what to do with that.

Sometimes the abuse was so bad that I actually considered killing them in their sleep like if I just did that then I would be free of my problems. People are so shocked by these thoughts because they couldn't fathom how anybody would want to kill their parents but they understand when a victim wants to kill their abuser so how is this any different? If you're being abused everyday and there seems to be no escape of course you would have thoughts like that. Better yet why don't we ask what kind of parents treat their kids so badly that they actually think of killing them?

I've never once had any confusion as to whether or not my parents even loved me because they literally told me themselves many times that they hated me. They told me so many times they wish I would just die and that they never would have had me if they knew what I'd be like. Awful to hear as a child but I guess I appreciate the honesty. At least it stopped me from deluding myself into thinking they actually cared about me.

My parents lack of awareness always surprises me. Growing up my dad would get mad often. He would yell, beat us and threatened to kill us sometimes. Then he would ask my brother and I why we were always in our rooms and why we don't talk to him. He'll be completely serious about it too like he had no idea at all why we don't talk to him. Whenever someone brought up that we were scared of him he laughed and said we were overdramatic. I sometimes thought he has to be joking right? How could he have no clue at all about why we don't talk to him but no he is genuinely that unaware. He thinks that all he's ever done is love us and provide for us.

Growing up I hated saying "I don't know" to my parents because then they would say well what do you know? You don't know anything. You're stupid.

My brother once saw a car drive by and said it was a really cool car to which my dad responded I'd like to see if either one of you could ever afford that car.

Every single time someone complimented my looks my mom would say ok well look at that big forehead.

If I ever got awards from school I would hide them because my parents would say it's not even a big deal of course someone as stupid as you would be honored by it.

When I answer the phone they would mock my voice and the way I spoke.

It's like why do you know what I mean like what sre you getting out of jumping at the opportunity to put down your children? Some parents are so immature like why are you 60+ years old coming up with stupid insults to put down your kids?

My parents loved when they got a reaction out of us from their insults. They laughed if we ever cried because of their insults or called us dramatic. They hated that when we were older those insults did nothing to us.

I know my problems won't disappear if they're gone but I just want to hear the news one day that died in a car accident or died because of health issues. Every single day I hope that today is the day they die and it never happens. My uncle died when my cousin and I were 15 and I remember being so jealous of her wishing it was my dad who died instead. I've always been so jealous of people who's parents died young. I would finally feel safe in this world with them gone.

I need to take this summer course. I don't want to drop it but the tutorial is late in the afternoon while the lecture is in the morning. How do I switch to another tutorial?