I find myself having these mental battles with myself about how fine or not fine I am. i might feel really on top of my game one day, and think 'See, I'm fine, I'm not a broken weak mess of a person after all, so my Mother didnt have the power over me she thought she did'. ...and that's just not true. She had a lot of power, and the things she did to harm me and undermine my development, to destabalize me mentally ......actually did work. She achieve her desired result. That the abuse and neglect, and lack of support would cause me to just wither and die. And btw, there's no debate her about whether that was my Nmothers intention, it was her intention. Everything was a battle to the death, the simplest conversations asking for new shoes turned into a debate. whatever.

but mostly I think about this, and try to work out what the absolute aversion is to me having to admit how deeply I was affected. What she did, and the way she did it, inflicted a kind of self hatred and shame, that I suffer with on a daily basis. It's taken years in therapy just to tolerate looking into people's faces.

and when I get triggered, or feel unstable and overwhelmed, for a long time there was a part of my that just collapsed instead of trying to explore the reasons behind it. Maybe if I just hide, it wont be so obvious. And I flashback to my Nmothers face, smiling when i was suffering and struggling the most. And I imagine somehow in my mind, that if I admit how I was affected, then she wins. If I pretend I can manage with no help, and try to hide the disruption to my development i dont have to hear the voice in my head thats telling me, "see, your just weak, you don't have a chance of thriving or being happy, as long as I'm around". If I admit that I'm unwell, then she wins, if I pretend to be fine it's a lie that she wanted me to believe on the other end of that spectrum of abuse...........you know,.......if your've ever had that kind of conversation where youre bloody and hurting, suffering , and they're exasperated, and heavy sighing, while saying "Omg, youre fine, geeeeze, youre so weak". And you don't want to be that person. Somehow they convince you that being wounded and suffering from actual assaults is a profound character weakness.

It's like the Shame that your carrying on your own when exploring treatment options. The shame of what you suffered and couldnt somehow rise above on your own, and the shame of coming from a family of abusers , sometimes going back generations.

Whenever I start reading about Trauma, Narc abuse, I have all this resistance. Like I don't want to give her the satisfaction of having Affected me, and yet I won't get help if I'm not able to see that another way, somehow?

Like If I admit to the wounds and pain, then I'm giving this psychopathic sadist the fuel she lived on, but theres no other way to heal without admitting that the wounding the abuse, DID in face wound you?

Edit: ...and further rambling. I f'ing hate that she won, and I lost, no matter how hard I tried to protect myself from her. I feel like pursuing therapy, and all that it's costing me both monetarily and emotionally, unwrapping all those festering mental wounds, and each time I pay that debt , that she acrued....its like she wins again. It feels like My ego, but it's not fair that she robbed me of my childhood, and then is costing me so much of my adult life repairing that, .......when I wish I could be living my life another way aside from "Heal the wounds she caused".

I'm not sure what bothers me more....that I have these deficits, or that those deficits were caused from abuse and neglect, maybe its a bit of both? Like when i think of how behind I am, how I struggle, I also can't help thinking about WHY that is. That it's the result of Trauma, abuse.....and then that makes me feel ashamed, maybe a bit powerless.....it's complicated? Your ego takes a beating if you've been telling yourself, "I'm fine, what you did wasnt powerful enough to matter, because I'm tougher than you think' .......and that's not true either.

The way I feel that sort of mental , emotional, psychological wounding , how abuse manifested in all these deleterious ways, ............... caused by my own parent.....makes me cringe away from the awareness of how unwell I am, because if them.

Being out of freeze I get to realize how much I don't know, how far behind I am, how powerless and scared I feel at ....almost every day. A lot of it pointing to holes in my self care, but not letting that freeze me, allowing the mess. Idk if thats right exactly.

I get angry, frustrated, I want to yell, I hate my immaturity, I'm trying to get a grip and accept responsibility with a modicum of grace and humility, but I'm not. It kind of goes like, "yeah, remember the last time you freaked out over this, and it worked out, not easily, but eventually right?" And I'm like a child, "NO, I HATE THIS,,,,why does it have to be hard!!"

I had no idea how being in Therapy , made me feel so much worse ....and was soooo stressful. I guess I feel like therapy was freezing me more.....because I would be so consumed with fear of having to explain why I overreacted again, and hearing "oh, right well that's the CPTSD"....and I didnt want to hear it again, so I would do nothing. LIke what did you do this week, what's going on?...., "nothing, nothing is going on so you don't get to tell me it's all trauma, and how messed up I am, but not telling me how to fix it". I thought I couldnt go worse, to be out on my own, and seeing and naming the trauma for myself.

I think the thought was if I'm the only one that really gets how I feel , out in the world, and I"m the only one that's feeling my feelings, without having to excessively obsessively looking for validation outside myself if I wasnt finding it there. I had to somehow start to look within, no matter how ugly, how scared, how triggering that all was. ...and it feels like having to make peace with pain. ....without expecting someone to fix it.....living with the pain and moving closer to it, maybe finding out where the wound is.

Like lets just see what we're dealing with here , and where it hurts. I have A LOT of pain around being performative and what happens to me if Im not getting there. And yet I know thats not the full story.

And so, like recently when I was trying to figure out all this tension, pain , fear , panic and anger around getting things done, and this enormous pressure and so where is that coming from?!....then I suddenly remembered that there was a time when I was almost completely unemployable.

Like I could not function for some reason, and I could NOT figure out why. No clue that it was the Trauma. And I blamed myself. That experience was a trauma in and of itself....... like trying to walk, and then realizing you have no legs, but where did your legs go.? Where were you , when someone apparently came in the night and crippled you, and now you have to figure out how youre going to walk on your hands because you have to work and you already explored living in your car, and in shelters, and with the dregs of society, and that clearly didnt work. A Lot of dreaming about jobs I used to have, where I was one step away from being fired ...............all the time. ............. And how that felt. Not to mention being looked at by co-workers like "what is wrong with you?"....and I didnt know.

So , when stuff goes wrong, and my brain fails me, and I dont know what to do, I dont have part that tells me everything is going to be okay. All I have is a panicked part that kicks in and yells, "Everything is NOT going to be okay, YOU HAVE to GET THIS!!!"

I'm trying to get over, nothing feeling like it's enough. Like I"m not enough.

I know I shouldnt bother even asking anymore, but every time I look back on my life because I have a flashback or bad dream, and I think about how bad my childhood was, It comes back. The feeling you get when you want to ask them "what did I ever do to you, to make you treat me like garbage, then feel justified?!"

You know, because the feeling justified, like you deserve the hate and abuse theyre doling out , goes hand in hand with the remorselessness.

I was shocked to learn that a person that I thought of doing everything perfectly, actually has the philosphy of "that's good enough" for a lot of things that really aren't that important.

I think somehow , miraculously I've been confronting that mantra I grew up with "if you cant do it perfectly dont do it at all". Thats just stupid. Nothing gets done that way, and if there was something that I absolutely knew I'd struggle with because I was unfamiliar, I would of course Freeze because "can't do it perfectly so forget it".

And you know what I found out? My "good enough" is pretty damn good. And whoever kept saying "but it's not perfect," or it's not "good enough"...........was f'ing LYING.

I would go so far to say that any effort forward, counts as success, progress. Because I learned that it's about teaching my brain to think differently as to what efforts counts. I always thought every single thing I did had to be Nobel prize level acceptable, which completely froze and deflated me. It was an insane way to live. As are making comparisons.

Why would I think I would have to actually BE like someone else, when I"m not living their life?

I feel like the more I was in freeze....the more I didn't see anything. And the more I do things or I'm out in the world the more I see everything I was avoiding. It's shocking what life requires to be functional .....where before I kinda went " I just can't because I'm dumb"......and that's why my brain kinda went " Nope". And now, I'm really seeing there's no avoiding certain things without paying a heavy price...hence the depression. I fooled myself into thinking something was a choice,..."yeah, i just dont want to , so I don't think I will". I can't use the excuse that the things I avoid doing I'm avoiding because it's beyond me somehow. And then that makes me depressed. I don't necessarily want to do things, even though I'm perfectly capable.

I'm having to use ALL my brain power to try to find solutions, put things in order. Apparently if there's a way for something to go wrong, break, require 47 steps to resolve....that's become my reality.

I don't want to "learn", I just want to do something and have it be fixed once and for all , and not require constant checking and re-checking, and re-checking, follow up, because did what I do actually work? Also, a really heavy reality for a freeze to process, where it took all your effort to just get out of bed, and be moderately functional thinking that should be enough, and now finding out, ......it's not enough. ....... Not nearly enough. ......not even close........and that's depressing.

Apparently someone thinks I'm really capable of handling this, otherwise it wouldnt be happening, but isnt that old news? Here you go, here's a massively abusive, demanding , insane, parentifying parent, and you get to deal with them without any help, information, or a full brain.-Good Luck! Me: but it's too much, I don't want to?. The Universe: who cares, it's yours to handle.

I feel like I knew it was going to be like this the whole time I was hiding. Even good days feel foreign and strange to me. I don't know why? Maybe that's the dissociation, like this CANT be my life?

Think you addressed something only to have it come back on you, showing it's somehow way more complicated than you thought? So, this is a normal part of life? You do things, and just hope for the best, but half the time it's wasted energy... not enough? I'm like what am I missing here? And the mantra that things take time isnt cutting it. So the things I know about....know how to address ..yes I am capable of addressing...and I'm doing that to the best of my ability.......but its hard ...theres no feeling of accomplishment or satisfaction in any of it.....because there's no end in sight. Like, is this a trick. ? Getting to what you think is the bottom of a pile, and finding another pile. I'm such a baby. Normal adults don't complain like this. Normal adults just do stuff, but I feel like this has been my life for a long time. Doing really unpleasent things, and taking no pleasure in it. No childhood, just work. And getting no credit for it. While people called you incompetant. Freeze is the vacation that I gave myself after getting no vacation for decades, and zero acknowledgement, effort but no tangible results worth noting.

Sometimes it's technology and the whole wtf and why is this not working now? I literally can't believe how depressing that feels for me, there's NO part of me that feels peaceful acceptance about technology that's constantly fucking up..the techonology that you have to have in your life if youre not going to be a hermit......IF I want to be part of the world.......and that's really where the rubber meets the road. ....because.....honestly...I really don't.

All that despair eventually had to surface.The way I genuinly feel about myself out in the world. I don't fit, I don't belong.....anywhere. This isnt new.

The only thing that keeps me going is the awareness of animals and nature, good books, art, beautiful landscapes. The rest of it....how much therapy i need, my health issues, CONSTANTLY worrying about genuine threats, scams, why technology shit isn't working at any given moment...... is so depressing. I don't care that I'm " smart enough" to know what to do to fix shit. And the way I don't know how to "BE" ..or who I am....or how to effectively connect with people without feeling guilty, or ashamed, or wrong. Or broken is killing me. Maybe im finding out, maybe this is part of it? Figuring out what you need to erase from your life to be happy? Looking around and deciding...keep this and this other thing is going in the wood chipper.....lock, stock, and barrel. Why would I willingly actively WANT to feel depressed every single day? What kind of life is that?

I can't even fathom...adapting to the way the world feels toxic and dishonest, and I wonder why I'm depressed.

"It is no measure of good health to be well adjusted to a sick society". Krishnamurti.

For those of you who've been doing this a long time....do you feel like you can honestly say you know who you are?I was looking at a meme in a cptsd sub... its a picture of a cat at the dinner table.....the caption reads " you're so quiet". The reply is..." you don't get the privilege of my personality because of what you said 10 minutes ago. I just remembered from living in a house with so much hostility, judgements. ...or whatever ugly indoctrination I was being exposed to...I either disconnected, and I definitely muted myself. So with zero guidance, no positive feedback, silence, no healthy attempts at advocating for kindness, fairness, harmony, cooperation....I find myself feeling untethered, directionless and unsure of exactly how I feel about things, life, myself, in general. I'm really not sure who I am when I think.of " me".. I think its what makes IFS so scary, and so challenging. In a lot of ways I'm exploring things, ideas, feelings, thoughts I've never had before. Trying to find a language, understanding, and insight about experiences that at alot of times feel overwhelming, threatening, confusing.....just because its so foreign to me. I feel like I was just starting to feel a sense of who I was and what was important to me..when the abuse and neglect took off.

So other than being open to certain parts....how do you cultivate a better sense of self? A more solid feeling for who you are when you think of your identity?

I need to start keeping track of the times I’m sharp, and the times I’m not sure what day it is. I know……that both those parts exist. That there are times when I just can’t work out why I’m smart, bright, quick…….and other times Im so scattered And overwhelmed that I have to sit down to work out the simplest solutions. I’m blind to the easiest things, maybe because my mother was always aversive and willfully made everything seem complicated and impossible…..when it wasn’t. When it was as simple as her deciding to help me, or simply listen. Idk? This could be more complicated than just parts, and I know there’s an answer, or more than one explanation but I’m not sure what it is.?

I created this spreadsheet , and had to bring it with me when I was buying a new phone. I couldn’t answer half the questions that the salesman was asking me, but he looked at the spreadsheet and said……”this is really impressive…is this computer generated and you just copied it…?” ….I said…no I created that……but I have no doubt that , that would have been hard to believe from talking to me. Later my partner commented about it, and I was shocked , like I hadn't even heard or remembered that he commented on that. I said "He said I was really smart to have created that?" And honestly why did I present in a way that seemed to need to be told? Idk?

I can sound really scattered at times. Un focused. I’ve had this since I was a kid. Turn in impressive essays, and teachers questioning wether I wrote it. It’s all day long like this.being totally overwhelmed, confused, and then easily doing things that shock the hell out of myself and everyone else. Like how are you, doing that?. Beats the hell out of me. How can your brain work, function in such wildly different ways. ? I think it speaks to different developmental stages in tandem with parts. Where some parts are further along, and some parts are so far behind. Or shifting into a parts collapse mode when frightened, where the simplest thing turns into “ I just can’t”. And other times it feels like "Okay, it's safe to bring out the big guns and turn on your fire power because no one is around".

I guess you would categorize this as Alexithymia, where I -Yes-have feelings and feel emotions, but there's some sort of what they call Cognitive Alexithymia , where I can't identify an emotion exactly, what triggered it.

i might feel irritable, or being compulsivly busy, maybe distracted, unfocused, ...........it's then that i realize something is going on , but it could take me a moment to realize what it is.

Then there's the minimizing, on top of the misidentifying, ......I'm feeling something but who cares since there's more important things to think about besides my..............overly sensitive emotions. Something I learned growing up, to just dismiss them, because who cares and there's other way more important things like how productive and functional i can be.

Learning how to identify emotions, name them , and mosty feel them without instantly assuming i'm broken and wrong for feeling my emotions so intensely when it seems like I'm the only one who feels things as intensely as i do, comparatively to other people. I dont really know that, but it feels like that a lot of the time.

being Oversensitive, or HSP, and thinking I need to reel that in because it's "too much", and gets in the way of everything.

Like in reality, I should be taking care of myself now, in a way that's more attentive, caring, sensitive, nurturing than I ever have when growing up with all the neglect and mocking , and guilting the space my emotions were taking up. I'm supposed to be different with myself. than how i taught myself to be, to essentially not burden anyone with my silly emotions.

but there are times when that level of attention, concern, feels indulgent. I said that to my therapist once, how i felt like therapy felt like i was indulging my emotions, this is after realizing how negligent and abusive my childhood was, and my therapist was alarmed that i was using "Indulging '" when trying to articulate how it felt to acknowledge genuine pain and suffering for what i went through.

needless to say it took a really long time to cultivate a feeling of compassion for my suffering.

I read through the "what is Alexithymia". It was really helpful. I wasnt' born with it, it was a result of trauma, as far as I know. But anyway, this was the section that I really identified with.....only didnt have the language to describe it.

"Cognitive

Emotional cognition is the ability to identify, analyse, and verbalise emotional experiences. If low affect is blindness, low cognition is colour-blindness.

Someone with low emotional cognition will experience and express their emotions without being able to pinpoint what is happening, even as it happens. When asked to describe or explain their emotions they will be unable to do so and either freeze into an embarrassed silence or deploy canned responses that have been learnt beforehand."

....especially the part that reads "someone with low emotional cognition will experience and express emotions without being able to pinpoint what is happening.................even as it happens."

I've been trying to describe that feeling of "I'm really upset, but I don't know exactly why?"......feeling. Something that I think is anger, could be shame, something that feels like fear, also Shame or embarassment. It makes it really hard to address your emotions when you don't understand why youre reacting like your reacting.

I need to find a place to talk about this, without feeling dumb or embarassed, or crazy.

I tend to go to a Logical part of my brain when I'm problem solving anything. It's like my brain can't think AND feel at the same time. Technically this is handled by your corpus collosum. It's the divider between the two parts of your brain-Thinking/Feeling. I tend to go to my Left brain, and totally devalue and suppress my emotions.................because 1. my emotions were shamed and 2. I saw what feeling and expressing emotions looked like from my Abusive out of control Mother, and it wasnt pretty.

And it's not just bad emotions like anger, jealousy, vindictiveness, it's emotions like happiness or joy, looking like Hysteria in a parent. Always unpredictable, out of control, or blaming people for those emotions, or making them feel responsible to change them. "Youre doing this to ME, It's YOUR FAULT, I"m reacting like this"...you get the idea.

I think as a child I felt completely consumed by my Nmothers emotions. There was Zero space to learn how to not only admit how I felt, but no environment to understand them, characterize them, talk about them.

After 10 years in therapy, my default is to suppress my emotions. When I feel really overwhelmed and scared, and I can no longer suppress it.....when something is bearing down on me in a place where logic is of no help...........I don't have a language or understanding to meet that with compassion. I tend to go to 'WOW, youre really out of control, get a hold of yourself". But I swear theres' always that part of me that's like '................."because God forbid you be like Her".

So, when I do create space for an emotion, it always comes with "Oh, no, I sound just like her". Just full of my own experience , consumed with pain, and I can't see beyond it. But it's also from having emotions supppressed for so long, and waiting , and waiting, until something builds, all the while telling myself "dont overreact, dont' overreact" until something genuinly upsetting happens, and I collapse in a despairing heap. But had I made the space to somehow embrace my humanity, the worry I feel every day, the anxiety, the depression, instead of trying to strong arm all of it, I wouldnt have gotten to that point of completely falling apart.

it's like a little kid , or a baby, who is in genuine distress, and asking for help, to be held, consoled, and they get louder and louder until finally they completely breakdown. As logical and capable as I feel, that emotional , painful experience of self, is always right there under the surface. And I'm still so afraid of it, because of how out of control my Nmother was.

I don't know of another way to characterize the way I shift between moods, or ways of thinking, acting , behaving, talking that feel somewhat unfamiliar, or not "me".........other than IFS's "parts" language ?

Even if I'm alone. I'll get in this place where I feel like I have to actually shift myself entirely in order to cope with something that I believe will be threatening in some way, and therefore being vulnerable is out of the question....or requires a certain way of being in order to successfully navigate something , because obviously being "myself" is out of the question.

Those shifts dont' necessarily happen in this conscious way. But I know I have behaviors, and techniques or approaches to problem solving that completely suppress parts that I think of as not being valuable.

And for the life of me I cant' think of another way to explain those shifts, other than "Parts". It would also help if this was explained to me .........clearly. Even though I know modalities and trauma don't fit into neat little boxes. See, that's my logic part trying to control everything because I can't process ambiguity aside from getting angry and frustrated at it.

For example , recently I went through something very triggering. I somehow got in touch with a really young aspect of myself that is all feeling and instincts, and collapsed from not being heard or believed, but I dont' have all the pieces put together from that recent event because I haven't been able to have a real conversation with anyone about it, so I'm trying to figure it out on my own. It's where my logic and reasoning failed me, and some collapsed panicked part, (whatever) surfaced at how scared they were that logic and proactive action did nothing to actually help.

After that event, I felt.... changed. Really changed. Like somehow I had successfully suppressed this feeling part, because they embarass me with their feelings, and upset, then somehow figured out that they're really not so useless after all , not even in a state of helplessness, and collapse. It didnt feel like that in the moment. I felt like my logic "part" was like, "okay so there's no talking to you at this point". But had I been able to access that part BEFORE, that event maybe would not have trasnpired like it did where I had to start yelling in order to access an expression of that "part" ......that I was trying to push down.

Later, I felt something open up. More freedom of expression, less judgement, but I still don't understand what happened, and I could explain it but I feel like that would only make sense to me. That this very intuitive feeling part is upset that a logical, left brain part is doing a shitty job of taking care of things. I'd really like to have another way to characterize that experience other than defaulting to "parts", IF theres another way I'm not aware of it?

thank you .

I noticed that when I feel like I"ve done everything to solve a problem, was as mature and proactive as I could will myself to be .........and something still doesnt work>something just collapses internally. I feel like I go reality blind. I can feel my brain collapsing into a state of panic , pain, helplessness.

There are parts that don't seem to understand that sometimes things aren't obvious, that sometimes solutions aren't obvious. When a problem isnt' getting solved no matter how hard I tried, .with no solution in sight..........my inner child freaks out. That vulnerable part is like "Well, if I cant count on you, and I can't count on your ability to discern and analyze what needs to be done, ....then what? Are we going to die?"

At that point there is no reason. Just fear. It honestly makes me wonder what I experienced as a pre-verbal completely vulnerable powerless child when no one came no matter what you did? No matter how loud you cried, or yelled? What does that overwhelm feel like , when you have no help? Pretty unmanageable. There's no place in your brain that goes to "someone will come eventually". Nothing to calm yourself. Just panic.

If youre talking to a Part, that just assumes you have all the answers , or at least knows where to go to find the answers, and that's not happening.........I think that young part sometimes goes to this place of "well, have you thought about just collapsing in tears, yelling for help, screaming, raging.....maybe that would help?"...., since for all your logic and reasoning.....and trusting, and patience, youre obviously getting nowhere?

This has happened before where I can only take so much, trying as hard as I can, I can't access any reasoning ability, at which point I start yelling or collapse into some state of despair "nothing is working , this is going to be like this forever, I"m doomed".

I think that if you experienced a lot of powerlessness, even though you ARE an adult there's a path , a groove in your brain, prone to panicking or freaking out, catastrophizing more than other people.......because you DID experience something that not many people experienced in early childhood. I know that words don't work. And I'm wondering how to assuage somehow, console, that part when they feel so scared and out of control and panicked? Especially since the adult part of you feels responsible in some way , when they couldnt solve a problem, like I"m the one that needs to be blamed for not letting this problem escalate......even though it may have been a problem that I actually did do my level best to address. So, acknowledging for example the way that vulnerable scared part feels, about your competance as an adult, your ability to take care of things, and then it's like youre afraid to extend compassion, concern, or acknowledge that part because it would ALSO mean that , that part, isn't scared or being unreasonably upset, or overreacting ...............for no reason.............Just because that part is powerless and vulnerable doesnt mean they don't have good instincts about something dangerous or precarious. Fear and panic for example if a building is on fire, doesnt mean that your young part is overreacting. That young part, as owerl ess as it is, might be the part that knows enough to yell FIRE, instead of the "adult part" telling everyone to calm down. Like for example, I watch this show about fire fighters (ironically) in the show when they enter a burning building they say "Yell OUT". They need you to Yell. I"m just trying to understand this.

So the way that I might fall apart, is because things going from bad to worse, no solution in sight, IS something that has happened before. Where I either couldnt access anger, or didnt realize that a person who I was relying on for help, assuming they could help, were actually incompetant.......but I do have power now, BUT..............I often underreact to things. or Over react. Things that aren't an emergency can feel like an emergency, and things that NEED me to react swiftly to, and take action I might feel like I want to collapse? Or minimize somehow? And I think a lot of that is feeling completely ashamed that my "logical smart, intellectual adult" in a lot of instance is of NO HELP. And my inner child that has great instincts, was so devalued, by me, by my parent, and I know thats wrong.

It feels like I do things to maintain a certain equilibrium that maintains how I am used to feeling. My "normal".

Like I catastrophize everything. I think of things I have to do, and stress myself out by telling myself certain narratives that make me anxious. I'll reach out for help, and someone will yell at me for being too stupid to fix something myself. Or I imagine reaching out, and being ghosted. This is before I ever move to do anything. If there's a way something can go badly, I've convinced myself it''s already happened.

If it's a choice between doing something calming, relaxing, or watching a action packed movie where youre sitting on the edge of your seat, scared, I'll default to the high stress movie.

I don't know if this is the same. But if there's a choice between a normalish stable dog , I don't want that dog. I want the dog riddled with anxiety and, trauma, partly because I identify with no one wanting you and being abandoned and alone, and partly re-living the experience of what it's like for a pet to be anxious from being neglected and unloved, and this is something I'm familiar with. Later I'll tell myself "Whyyy, do I always get the difficult option?".....but I felt compelled. The thought of no one wanting the anxious dog, because "they're too much work" kills me. I don't know what I would do with a calm golden retriever, who's chill. I"d feel guilty that they got stuck with me, and not someone who knows how to mirror calm back to them. * to be fair, my first dog tricked me and seemed docile.....and then later was a maniac, with extremely high energy levels, WHICH they forwarned me about, but of course I said "I got it, no problem, ". Like I was saying, no problem because I'm wired for stress. I'm so grateful she tricked me, because I loved her so much, anyway.

Procrastinating, or waiting until something breaks, or waiting until things are down to the wire because I dont' know, '"take care of things ahead of time, so you don't feel pressured, panicked , or rushed". It's not all me. This is how I grew up. A negligent, reluctant parent, who hated parenting and so things werent' addressed until they reached crisis proportions. A parent who was negative , always feeding nightmares scenarios to you, of what terrible thing will probably happen, if not making it happen to watch you freak out. Never "I got this, you need not worry because I'm capable".

I don't know why a parent would get a thrill from watching you develop an anxiety disorder, and being entertained by that?

waiting for the other shoe to drop, ..........because of my wildly abusive, unpredictable, completely dysregulated parent. But I do tend to do things, or think in ways, habits, that exacerbate my anxiety.

I also have a severe startle response, and am super hypervigilant for any potential disaster.

It's so hard to realize where this comes from. Growing up where I had to adapt to the idea that, "Oh, okay you reeeeaaaallly don't like me, or want me around....ok...Got IT!" Except when that turns around and suddenly my presence is required. Like, I'll just pretend to be invisible until I'm called. , or someone needs someone to yell at and blame.

It doesnt exactly make you a social butterfly thats super excited to be around people. I ended up being a social recluse that's like , "Yeah, I"m good over here enjoying my own company not being hated and despised".

Obviously if an abuser is pushing that indoctrination to accept Pain and suffering as your Plight , or necessary , or a required part of living, the first thing youre going to want to do is find a way to avoid it, hence freeze, while still not seeking help, or resources to relieve that pain, because you "shouldnt " because someone wants to see you in pain.

Your only option is to dissociate, or freeze in an attempt to avoid at least the full awareness of how much something hurts. Without actually addressing it.

I'm asking because I've hurt myself, my body, ignoring that something was a problem, that I was fighting against, and forcing myself to endure, when the answer would have been to walk away. But I didnt , because I was still following that belief that "this hurts so it must be good somehow". but no.

So, you stay, or avoid a solution, or dont' even acknowledge that you should find a solution, because some part of you still believes, "if this hurts and Im enduring this, (by dissociating or freezing) then I must be doing a really great job at handling pain and making myself impervious to harm or abuse and Im better for it.

Even though that's all a lie.

Same as above. I had an experience yesterday for an event that I've been to several times before, but this time felt really different. I felt different. The stress was gone. And just other subtle things, where I didnt' feel awkward and guarded, but I was afraid to acknowledge it, because who knows what tomorrow will bring. I don't remember feeling that unconcerned about what others perceptio n of me was. I also don't' ever remember feeling unashamed of myself for just expressing an observation, or opinion. I was looking at people and not dissociating. I wasnt' "practicing" any therapy approach, or style. It was just there , unexpected.

How do you know if how you think you've changed based on how you feel, and experience the world on any given day, is significant enough to count as addressing your deeper issues....or healing in a way thats foundational to your growth, recovery, healing?

I'm really excited about this sub, because I have symptoms, and behaviors that feel like I literally shift between states that is confusing and scary. If I feel really scared, I can go hard core intellect, and suddenly any feelings of vulnerability or compassion are just gone. Thats just one state.

So, I'd like to learn more about my symptoms. I've been tested for this, and it did come up as OSDD, and not DID. For yeeeaaars I've experienced signficant moments of disconnect, dissociation. It took a really long time to understand, identify, and notice 'feelings"....and feel them without freaking out. But there's a lot more in terms of how i think and process information and work through solutions, or don't.

Like for example, Is the assumption that If you have OSDD ( I do) that you experience Significant fragmentation, and therefore IFS is the best approach?

I can tell I have a lot of symptoms, it's everywhere. In my dialogue, how I express myself, how I write.( I"m assuming it's OSDD) It would be great if I could put a name to these awareness's, experiences.

thank you in advance.

You know that feeling when you behave and think in chaotic unmanageable reactions to an unexpected event, so extreme that it takes over completely? Youre looking for the person that fucked up your life, but it's you.....and when you realize that, youre like "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" then you cry harder ......?

When I get like I get when something suddenly overwhelms me as a problem that' I told myself I addressed, but didnt somehow...I feel completely helpless and REACT.....because how do you acknowledge that your incapable of finding solutions that need answers in your own life without panicking all your young parts and exiles that depend on you?

For Context: It's how I felt when I realized at like 5 or 7 , that my Mother wasnt' someone I could depend on, because she wasnt capable and mostly because she would NOT listen , y'know ...because kids know nothing and fear is inconvenient and dumb. But later when i was older she told me "you were always smart". Not that she listened to me because I was smart, she was just entertained by my level of awareness intellect, as she was dismissing it to get her way, ignoring my concerns-because she could. Distract me somehow with her antics, manipulation, lies. She was not a competent adult , she was just feigning control , so I knew underneath that facade there was something really destructive, and amiss and i was right in the crosshairs of that. I felt like I had to watch her constantly for anything crazy, and whatever she "told me" was really suspect. I would try to tell her something and she would be like "youre so funny with your seriousness and focus". A child that finds themselves more mature , or aware, with more focus than a caregiver..... but with no power. They're the "Adult", but something tells you that's not true. I felt it.

It feels like how you would feel in a car accident if youre trapped in your car with someone who can't drive. Your brain tells you "fix it". ...but you cant. All you can do is sit there and be terrified of someone you know you cant' trust, who won't listen to your cries of "For crying out loud find someone else to drive us". but no, this person driving is like "No, I can do it". Actually it's worse than that...for what I'm trying to explain. I told myself one thing, that wasnt true, like I did what I needed to do to fix a problem, and now everything is resolved...........and it's not. So, whats the issue there? Lying to myself. ? e.g., It's all good, I got this. And you know you don't, but you don't know what else to say, or do, or think................but panic?.

Like the enemy is within, and without....and now this younger part that depends on me ("The Adult").....realizes they're in danger because I may not see, or want to see all the problems because there are so many. Some core part , a young vulnerable part with good instincts, that realizes there's an adult that doesnt have their shit together, thats holding so much Shame that they're afraid to ask for help, while your younger scared part ironically is like " HEY, I know how to ask for help, Watch-Like this HEEEEELLLLPPPPP, .....see, like that" .

Or, Maybe it's my pothead part that's like a lazy parent introject '"chill dude, everything is cool, Gaaawd youre so uptight over "nothing"". And my nerdy child part that's really a smart child part that saw my Mothers incompetence....feels ashamed because I don't know how to relax and chill, so that child parts warranted fear is embarassing somehow?

Now, I feel like I need to start yelling loud enough for someone to hear me, to access a certain level of empowerment ........maybe a part thats never been allowed to be more capable or Heard( Idk?).....or a part thats not afraid to say "Of course I'm afraid"....because That younger smart part, has less.......Pride.....and more awareness of "this is something you need to get help with". but my shame based adult is telling them to be quiet....and now I know that's a problem. the younger part isnt' stupid or too fearful., the "Adult" part has too much pride and shame.

This doesnt just go for parts that feel Fear , concern, worry, but parts that feel Pain, distress, suspicion. So , apparently the parts that feel the deepest trauma's, have the best instincts, , who deserve the most care , attention and respect, .................are ignored the most. I"m not entirely sure why?

Like for instance. When you've successfully sequestered, or suppressed a really scared young part that's prone to panicking and experiencing terror of abandonment, powerlessness and helplessness, .......you tell that part to lay low.....theres no need to start screaming and crying..."I got this" .Until something happens that triggers it and you suddenly realize that , that part was there all the time hoping you werent' lying to them and watching all these things that need addressing , trying to talk to you, but I just turned my back on them because "fear , anxiety and worry are stupid"......or my adult part has too much ego and pride to admit that a lot of things are out of their wheelhouse, and now that younger part is getting louder, and louder , and screaming "NEVER MIND THAT YOU DON'T LOOK COOL, GET HELP!!!"

Moral of the story. Dont' tell a younger part that they need to calm down because "I got this", if you don't....got this.... They know.

I remember when I was older, being an adult and my mother who was still a nightmare , would surreptitiously ask me "soooo, do you still have all that anxiety?.........you worry too much" Knowing she was the one that created that problem. It. kills me that I would carry any parent introjects that keeps telling my smart, intuitive parts to "reeeelaxx", stop trying to find solutions, and answers because thats booooring, and a drag, life is more fun procrastinating, or waiting until the bottom falls out from underneath you, because "chaos is fun". and asking for help is embarassing. I need to "lighten up". >>>> I need to find THAT part, and confront them.

Something happened and it exposed this whole dynamic. My brain went off line and was flooded. Like two parts arguing....looking for someone to blame.

Dialogue goes

Part 1: " I thought you took care of this!!!??? WTF??!!!"

Part 2: "I DID take care of it!!!!"

Part 1: "THIS is how you take care of things, ???!!!! OMG, if that's true we're all going to DIE....I Hate you"

I realized that, That "young part" isn't so dysregulated for no reason. Isn't just scared , or frightened in an irrational way, It's actually a part that IS very rational, their fears well founded, it's just that they've been lied to about them for so long and pushed away, so of course now they're screaming and crying. All these exiled parts are coming forward, and being dysregulated....to survive. Even if there's not what you would call articulate dialogue, in words, the crying and fear, and panicking in some way .......is rational.

This whole thing that I used to do of 'Ignore the Pain , it's only pain , just adapt" is based on nothings sane or reasonable. Pain affects you, fear and anxiety affects you. It makes it hard to work, perform, communicate, everything becomes harder, muddled.

How good are you really , when something really hurts? I was diagnosed recently with some com........plicated back issues. How I feel on a daily basis, and how well I do all depends on how my back feels that day.

If you get confused as to what is happening because youre used to pushing through pain , any kind of pain.....it can feel like this mysterious thing of ....I don't understand why I'm failing?......never realizing it's the Pain that's interfering with everything. Pain that isn't easily fixed. Something Chronic. And it's not a situation where "If only I had thought to do x or y , or been better or more aware i wouldn't feel this way"......which exacerbates the guilt around "I'm feeling pain, I must have done something wrong".

It just occurred to me that on days when everything is going well, seemingly,....those are also the days my back doesnt hurt as much, I feel more hopeful, positive, clear headed. But if I'm assaulted by an exorbitant amount of pain, all my attention goes to that. How to feel better, I get confused, I start feeling like I'm being punished.

I don't really know of a way to embrace pain, without also feeling like I'm denying it? I'm sure theres some sort of buddhist approach that would tell me it's just part of life, but the nausea and instant fatigue I feel like I'm carrying something really heavy trying to figure out how to move forward somehow and be present in my life .............in spite of the pain..........is a Deal to manage. ...............

I'm just saying that a lot of things can affect how well you cope with things overall, including emotional struggles ......when you have other things going on. I get really down on myself when I haven't been performing and moving along in an uplifting clear direction, when the reality is that I'm battling stuff all the time, and not even considering that as a variable. .....

Recently, I had a stretch of doing really well with my back, and it affected ....Everything else. Like today I woke up feeling fine, then out of nowhere My back started to act up, ....out of nowhere. Whatever I was planning for the day, I now have to adjust. And I'm upset because my back hurts and I didnt do anything, dumb or subconsciously to make that happened. No control.