I remember just blankly staring at the void. I did go insane. It still scares me that I was not worth saving.
My trauma mostly stems from this issue. People closest to me genuinely believe that I just love being problematic and that it doesn't cause me extreme suffering to excuse their own abusive behavior towards me. They can't possibly comprehend and fathom that when I'm not allowed outside whenever I want to be outside, it brings me back to my darkest memories and worst fears and it's not just a silly stupid naive whimsy. It hurts so bad that I'm essentially slowly dying because people can't comprehend that I need the right to go outside and that I've already done everything I can to escape my toxic family situation. I can't get out because I'm frozen by every bad memory where I have already tried to escape and faced horrific betrayal and pain and punishment. I hate when people doubt my extreme anger towards my abusers and try to say it's not that bad. U HAVEN'T LIVED MY LIFE OF COURSE IT DOESN'T FEEL THAT BAD TO YOU STOP PROJECTING YOUR DISAGREEING SELF ON ME. My anger is a self defensive survival mechanism but I've already been so angry and haven't escaped, I'm just frozen.
I was diagnosed with AvPD and bipolar disorder. I am in a depressive episode right now and I can't seem to move forward. I am deeply ashamed about who I've become now at 30. I am on disability, struggling to get by the day. I almost don't go out alone now because I fear people outside will recognize me. I feel so inferior to others. I deal with freeze everyday : dpdr, avolition and anhedonia. I have seen 7 different therapists in 6 years and none of them were helpful.
I've tried going for long walks in nature but I pass by joggers and other people walking and I feel immensely shameful even with a cap, a hoodie and my sunglasses on so that nobody will recognize me. I went once and came back home about 30 minutes later because I couldn't handle the shame.
I've been like this since I was 7. I am now on disability and starting college remotely again. But I don't know if I can handle socializing at all. I am deeply broken and I don’t know how to go on. My therapists were trauma informed, they did EMDR but it never helped.
Please, I am struggling so bad. I only have one friend left and I push him away. I wish I could be different.
there's no healing from this stuff, its over